130 replies to this topic

[bonesiii]

Welcome to the review topic for Endless Blue!

As always, any reviews are greatly appreciated; if you can’t think of what to say, just telling me what parts stood out to you as good, and what parts you liked the least (if any? ) is always helpful.

Don’t worry about missing important basics from past stories if you’re jumping in here for the first time – there’s a brief “What Has Gone Before” section right after the prologue. Anything else the reader needs to know, I’ve tried to make clear in the actual story.



Here’s an expanded introduction for those that are curious (this contains spoilers from past episodes):

Spoiler

There will be three main Sagas in the Paracosmos Main Series:

1 – The “Hidden Enemy” or Rahunga Saga; 2001 to mid-2002, climaxing with the story just before EB; Twisted Island.

2 – This one, the “Rulers of the Sea” or Kuambu Saga. Endless Blue begins it by finishing 2002 story, and the Saga will probably climax in 2007. Intervening year details are fleshed out in the Bonus Series too, most of which takes place about at the same time as the Kuambu Saga’s finale.

3 – A final Saga to be revealed later, climaxing during 2010 story.





A major reason I write the Paracosmos is as practice for my non-Bionicle fiction which I hope to some day publish. Every story I write in the BP uses a different experimental system of number of protagonists, length, complexity, length of chapters, etc.

Here I’m trying out a long epic with many long chapters, and more POV threads than ever. The story is divided into five Parts of ten chapters each (roughly 14 pages per chapter, more for Part openers and closers), plus epilogue and prologue, with distinct themes and sub-plots to each Part.


Besides the experimental reasons for doing this, it fits with the thematic development of the series up to this point. The characters began dis-Unified and now having learned Unity they are working together across a wider scope of settings than ever before. However, after EB, I intend several things to split them up again. (The next epic will have only three POV characters, for example.)

I’ve focused heavily on keeping the discovery, suspense, and adrenaline as powerful and constant as I reasonably could. I’ve been re-watching all the episodes of LOST and trying to apply the lessons learned more than in any other of my stories. Hope it works.

A big concern in the previous epic, Twisted Island, was the disconnectness that having lots of character threads caused; it’s a risky move to go even more complex as I have here. So I’ve incorporated a lot of advice from TI reviewers, and tried some other ideas to help it all flow together, including brief reminder-thoughts, splitting the whole story into five parts, leaving many side characters un-named, and introducing a highly mysterious character who will often serve as a transition between threads.

Although I’m keeping it all in the same epic topic, you can sort of consider this five short epics, as a mini-series, opening the Kuambu Saga. The top character threads are mostly consistent throughout, but the most important of the lesser threads are woven into separate Parts with their own sub-plots.


There are five main character threads:

- Bhukasa, survivor of extinct reptilian people, sea explorer (main protagonist)
- Lewa
- Hujo, Ta-Matoran Solver of Mysteries
- Niaka, Ga-Matoran ferrywoman who gathered Eight Matoran to investigate Kuambu
- The mysterious un-named being.

Other characters with POV threads, those higher on the list with more spotlight-time:

- Krohlaba, the ‘angry miner’ of Kriitunga Island from the epic Twisted Island
- Rathoa, Rah-Makuta as of Twisted Island, trying to gain control of the Brotherhood
- Knife-Tail / Udmijok, centaur-like prisoner of the Kuambu, top Old MOCs Blue winner
- Nixie, Ga-Matoran Astrologer, from short story The Noble Deep, one of the Eight
- Ito, very mysterious Jungle-dweller Le-Matoran with eight lives, now on his last life
- Tahu
- Kuhauha, Po-Matoran watch-guard, scout, water-carrier, from SS Mystery in the Desert
- Mukana, a reformed Rahunga servant of Makuta
- Twayzivl, mutant Kriitunga, a Beasts contest winner from Twisted Island
- Kopaka
- Gali
- Onua
- A minor un-named character with only one POV segment.



One more experiment I’ve done here – there are a number of lesser mysteries here that, if you guess correctly, I CAN confirm. I’ve intentionally hinted at these throughout the epic, without totally confirming many of them in-plot, so my confirming it outside the story will not actual spoil anything.

Other mysteries I can’t answer, but I hope this will encourage participation – so any questions you have, even if you assume I can’t answer, ask away!

Enjoy!

Pronunciation Guide

Bhukasa -- bhoo-KAH-suh (the h after the b is pronounced)
Kriitunga -- kree-TOONG-guh
Twayzivl -- TWAY-zihv-el (the e before the l is silent, so the l acts like a vowel)
Kuambu -- koo-WAHM-boo
Ruugon -- ROO-gahn
Fauii -- FAU-wee
Taureko -- tau-REE-koh
Rathoa -- rah-THOH-wuh
Rahunga -- rah-HOONG-guh
rahudermis -- rah-HOO-der-mihs
Ghomboka -- ghohm-BAH-kuh (the h after the g is pronounced)
Caroha -- kah-ROH-huh
chronoserum -- KRAH-noh-SEHR-ruhm
Surkahi -- sur-KAH-hee
Niaka -- nee-AH-kuh
Korau -- kohr-RAU
Kewonga -- kay-WAHNG-guh
Akohre -- ah-KOH-hree
Vamuka -- va-MOO-kuh
Kuamor -- KOO-ah-mohr
Hujo -- HOO-joh
Jahurungi -- JAH-hoo-ROONG-gee
Rikaori -- REE-kay-YOHR-ree
Krohlaba -- kroh-HLAH-buh
Mhondomva -- mhahn-DOHM-vuh (the h after the m is pronounced)
Ahurahn -- AH-hoo-RAHN
Nhayaka -- nhay-YAH-kuh (h after n is pronounced)
Arakra -- ahr-RAHK-ruh
Grunrohti -- groon-ROH-tee
Mhondoka -- mhahn-DOH-kuh (h after m pronounced)
Khungakrii -- KHOONG-guh-KREE (h after k pronounced)
Khungoka -- khoong-GOH-kuh (h after k pronounced)
Mukana -- moo-KAH-nuh
Naulako -- nau-LAH-koh
Ito -- EE-toh
Jombu -- JAHM-boo
Nabmaia -- nahb-MAI-yuh
Utati -- oo-TAH-tee
Bimiaku -- BIHM-mee-YAH-koo
Klirisha -- klee-RIH-shuh
Ninakorr -- NIH-nuh-KOHR
Rhijokki -- rhee-JAHK-kee (h after r pronounced)
(up to date as of Chapter 6)

Edited by bonesiii, Dec 26 2011 - 01:51 PM.

[BenLuke]

I'l be reading this for sure. * Bookmarks story topic*
The "Blue substance" mentioned in the 'What Has Gone Before' section sounds a bit like Bluespace.

[Bulik]

Are you (bonesiii) going to put up the other paracosmos epics so we dont have to go to the archive?

[Spectrum Dreamer]

I'll be checking this often, definitely! Do those wires that keep Niaka awake have anything to do with the wire (or cord) Rathoa found in CoT. Also, I have this nagging feeling the Kuambu and Bhukasa's species are related somehow.

Edited by fusionlewa, Nov 25 2011 - 10:57 PM.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 2 is posted.

Sorry for the delay; had tons of stuff to do around Thanksgiving, also don't really have my own computer currently. One is in the mail.

One comment on this latest chapter -- I've been debating and re-editing heavily the final segment here, of Krohlaba (the angry miner). It contains the longest summary of past events in the whole story, maybe other than the What Has Gone Before sections, and I continually worry it's too long-winded; just now I cut about ten paragraphs from it. This is good news if yall don't like it -- you won't run into it again. But yeah, just wondered if people think it works now or if there's still other things I could cut from it.

For the record, most of what I cut goes deeper into the history of the Ghomboka. It's all stuff the long-time Paracosmos reader knows already, and even the stuff I cut is slightly relevant later in this story, but for now it wasn't important so I felt it just bogged the flow down. (Let this serve as a self-reminder I may have to edit some of it into later chapters lol.)

I'l be reading this for sure. * Bookmarks story topic*
The "Blue substance" mentioned in the 'What Has Gone Before' section sounds a bit like Bluespace.

Insteresting observation........

Are you (bonesiii) going to put up the other paracosmos epics so we dont have to go to the archive?

I think I will at some point. I'm a little unclear about the rules on that; I thought at first it was said we could repost, period, but now it apparently is limited to unfinished epics. I do plan to heavily revise them (especially the long paragraphs in the earliest ones), but not sure if that counts as unfinished or not. Will look into it when I find the time.

I'll be checking this often, definitely! Do those wires that keep Niaka awake have anything to do with the wire (or cord) Rathoa found in CoT. Also, I have this nagging feeling the Kuambu and Bhukasa's species are related somehow.

Yes, I meant it as an implication that they were the same kind of wire. Good question.

And interesting theory.

[BenLuke]

Great chapter. Lightstone Rifles exist in the Paracosmos, a result of the Olmak Affect? On the other
hand Lightstone Rifles exist in the normal Bionicle universe too...

[bonesiii]

Chapter 3 is up.

New computer here, and just got EB saved to it. Should be able to post chapters more regularly now.

Chapter 3 introduces the highly mysterious being. I hope to hear a lot of theories, 'cuz he's designed not just to be a mysterious character but be a mystery.

Great chapter. Lightstone Rifles exist in the Paracosmos, a result of the Olmak Affect? On the other
hand Lightstone Rifles exist in the normal Bionicle universe too...

Interesting question; I hadn't thought to consider it, since I invented them for the Paracosmos before I thought of entering them in that contest. I suppose since they -are- in the Cosmos (normal universe) that has to be where they originated. So they were copied into the BP and the EM by two different means; BP because it's a parallel version of the Core Dimension, and EM by the Olmak Effect.

[Bulik]

wow... chapter 4 was pretty good, especially with the planning at kini-nui. are you going to get the RPG link working? I've been kinda in-the blank abouteverything after that becasue i never beat hte game and too much time without readign it.

[BenLuke]

Nice chapter. Some continuity nods to earlier stories helped jog my memory about them ( I read most of them before the downtime.).

[The First Speaker]

Nice meeting scene at the Kini Nui in chapter 4! I like how it remembered me about Capitain of Treason (when Kanoka talks about the Rahunga that faked their deaths and things like that). Judging by previous chapters, I was fearing that all the attention would be on the Kuambu, and the Bohrok would be left behind. However after this chapter it seems more of a three-way attack (Bohrok-Kuambu-Third Faction) and that's cool.

Also, so far the plot line of Buhkahsha and the ship is nice. I specially liked the part when Buhkasha was depressed.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 5 is up.

wow... chapter 4 was pretty good, especially with the planning at kini-nui. are you going to get the RPG link working? I've been kinda in-the blank abouteverything after that becasue i never beat hte game and too much time without readign it.

Well, now that I have a laptop I can spend more time on, I should be able to do the few fixes of the end stuff soon and put up a new version. Although we might run into difficulty because Ojh had started to revamp the battle system and changed his mind, so apparently I'll have to revert some of that coding. Also we never finished the bonus battle. But I'll try to have something ready by February; whatever doesn't get done then hopefully I can just leave out for a later version, and get the link working.

Nice chapter. Some continuity nods to earlier stories helped jog my memory about them ( I read most of them before the downtime.).

Glad that helped.

Nice meeting scene at the Kini Nui in chapter 4! I like how it remembered me about Capitain of Treason (when Kanoka talks about the Rahunga that faked their deaths and things like that). Judging by previous chapters, I was fearing that all the attention would be on the Kuambu, and the Bohrok would be left behind. However after this chapter it seems more of a three-way attack (Bohrok-Kuambu-Third Faction) and that's cool.

Also, so far the plot line of Buhkahsha and the ship is nice. I specially liked the part when Buhkasha was depressed.

Yeah, I constantly had to walk a balance between, this epic is introducing a major new enemy that the second of only three story arcs in the whole main series is about, plus this epic has to finish out the Bohrok and Bahrag story of 2002. As for the Third Faction, I would say for the most part their involvement here is just adding detail to the Bohrok side, actually, as you'll see.

And glad you like the Bhukasa parts. One of my worries about this story was that readers might not like the emphasis on his psychology, which I do heavily in Part 1, at the expense of major action sequences with him (which don't start in earnest until Part 2). Glad to hear so far I've walked that line well enough. Hope yall continue to like the rest of Part 1.

Another worry I had was the meeting; I'm glad to see my worries there were unfounded. Any time I have characters sit down and just talk, I worry it'll get boring, so I have to find ways of using that to bring out psychological conflicts in a different way than battle and danger does.

[The First Speaker]

Last chapter was good, I like how at the beggining the prespective changed from the mysterious being to Kopaka and Lewa. However, there's one thing that I still don't understand: Is Caroha an Unknown or a Matoran? If I recall correctly, in Twisted Island she was described as the Matoran from the core dimension who originated The Event, but now I'm having doubts due to her being described with the V thing in her shoulders.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 6 is up.

Last chapter was good, I like how at the beggining the prespective changed from the mysterious being to Kopaka and Lewa.

Cool.

However, there's one thing that I still don't understand: Is Caroha an Unknown or a Matoran? If I recall correctly, in Twisted Island she was described as the Matoran from the core dimension who originated The Event, but now I'm having doubts due to her being described with the V thing in her shoulders.

A good question -- for the record, it's supposed to be confusing, because part of it is still a secret. But I can confirm that right now, she is fully an Unknown shapeshifter (in Chapter 6 you see her clearly shapeshift into a winged form similar to other Unknown in other stories). And prior to the Event, when she was native to the Cosmos, she was just a normal Matoran.

What is a mystery is when and how she made the change from Matoran to Unknown. I can say that it is tied to the origin of the Unknown. Also, the Unknown would not really accept her as leader if she did not have all the powers they have. (That's why I haven't really bothered to have Hujo wonder when she was transformed yet; he just assumes that it happened sometime prior to her becoming leader, which is true.)

Also, I did intend to portray her as Unknown before; I believe I used the typical description of a fancier version of a Matoran. I admit that could be confusing though (considering Metruans look fancier than Mctoran, heh), so I probably should have made it clearer in Twisted Island that Hujo realized she was an Unknown when he first saw her.

Edited by bonesiii, Dec 26 2011 - 12:57 PM.

[The First Speaker]

So, Korau may be the first name in the list of still hidden Rahunga...

Ito's gun-thing is interesting I'm looking foward to read the outcome of the Kanohi inspection.

[bonesiii]

Chapter Eight is up.

So, Korau may be the first name in the list of still hidden Rahunga...

Ito's gun-thing is interesting I'm looking foward to read the outcome of the Kanohi inspection.

For the record, that will be in Chapter 9, which I hope to post Thursday or perhaps Friday morning. Then next week I'll post Chapter 10, finishing up Part One.

[Bulik]

wow. chapter 8 was great. also becuase i read 6-8 consecutively, because i was lazy the past couple weeks and didn't read them until now. i thoguht that the gahlok tunneling through the hut when being knocked back was brilliant, and "onua's gahlok was now two dimensional" cracked me up

[atvan]

This is great in all aspects!

Seriously though, it rocks, and the only thing I can complain about is that the treespeak is excessively treespeaky. They aren't that bad. Unless this is some paracosmos thing.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 9 is up.

wow. chapter 8 was great. also becuase i read 6-8 consecutively, because i was lazy the past couple weeks and didn't read them until now. i thoguht that the gahlok tunneling through the hut when being knocked back was brilliant, and "onua's gahlok was now two dimensional" cracked me up

I hoped that part would get a laugh, heh. Yeah I just went back and reviewed six to eight; they go well together IMO, so probably good timing there. And glad you liked the part with the tunneling through the hut. That's one of those things I just thought of on the fly and thought it would make for a striking image if you imagined this as a movie.

This is great in all aspects!

Seriously though, it rocks, and the only thing I can complain about is that the treespeak is excessively treespeaky. They aren't that bad. Unless this is some paracosmos thing.

Great in all aspects is very high praise! Thank you!

Yeah, if it seems like I went overboard on the Treespeak, I probably did. It's not really an intentional Paracosmos thing, just sort of a disagreement with how it was often done officially. IMO the best Treespeak from MNOG had a basic rule that if you could use it to shorten a sentence, they would do it. But officially it was often just a word thrown in here and there.

But yeah, I just love messing with linguistics and having characters speaking oddly in many different ways, often to indicate different cultures, so I probably just got carried away a bit with the Le- characters, heh.

[Bulik]

Chapter 9 is up.

wow. chapter 8 was great. also becuase i read 6-8 consecutively, because i was lazy the past couple weeks and didn't read them until now. i thoguht that the gahlok tunneling through the hut when being knocked back was brilliant, and "onua's gahlok was now two dimensional" cracked me up

I hoped that part would get a laugh, heh. Yeah I just went back and reviewed six to eight; they go well together IMO, so probably good timing there. And glad you liked the part with the tunneling through the hut. That's one of those things I just thought of on the fly and thought it would make for a striking image if you imagined this as a movie.

This is great in all aspects!

Seriously though, it rocks, and the only thing I can complain about is that the treespeak is excessively treespeaky. They aren't that bad. Unless this is some paracosmos thing.

Great in all aspects is very high praise! Thank you!

Yeah, if it seems like I went overboard on the Treespeak, I probably did. It's not really an intentional Paracosmos thing, just sort of a disagreement with how it was often done officially. IMO the best Treespeak from MNOG had a basic rule that if you could use it to shorten a sentence, they would do it. But officially it was often just a word thrown in here and there.

But yeah, I just love messing with linguistics and having characters speaking oddly in many different ways, often to indicate different cultures, so I probably just got carried away a bit with the Le- characters, heh.

i always imagine this as a movie (i have about 6-7 imaginary worlds, some bionicle related, ranging from futuristic, to tanks, to steampunk, to dogfight, the airplane kind of dogfights) . the hut smash scene reminded my, (in my imagination) as that promo picture of a bohrok smashing through its hive.

and on the note of treespeak, in agents of surrender i do recall you having alot of treespeak, two word sentences, a bit too much, IMO. in this, i have noticed you made a couple treespeak only sentences, but not much.

i will get to reading chapter 9 tommorrow, for i am at my grandparents house and i just bought a great novel, and i also have 2 nonfiction books and another novel to read, so i might have enough time to squeeze that in, between reading my other books and eating mexican food. and also, i like the current rate you are posting chapters, because it kinda sounds like a serial (thats how jules verne released 20,00 leagues under the sea, around the world in 80 days, and journey to the centre of the earth, if i recall correctly, in a newspaper serial)

Edited by Bulik, Jan 06 2012 - 09:03 PM.

[Takuta-Nui]

Hey there! You know you're a good writer when a third year student steps down from everything except reviewing your story, even if it's a bit late.

Prologue: I've missed your impeccable ability to make my heart race. I'm right there with Bhukasa as he gives orders and jumps up to the crow's nest and so on. I'm glad I remember so much: having to re-read part of Twisted Island due to a server disruption a couple years ago probably helps my memory. But good sum-up at the end, I had forgotten about Caroha until the name was mentioned.

The black hatch at the bottom of the ship was rather reminiscent of LOST, wasn't it? =P Now that I've watched the entire series, I'm able to catch these fan allusions more easily.

Posting this now, but gonna edit with each chapter review until someone else posts. Don't want to create a huge review post that'll scare people as they scroll.

Edit 1: Chapter 1.

This was all about establishing the principle of the Kuambu - reputation makes the enemy! I quite liked the Poem to the Prisoner as I'm going to call it. Seems like they place great emphasis on 'form,' as in their behaviour and initial impressions. Reciting that to prisoners (assuming they aren't treating Niaka differently) plus the imposing ships and the admittedly elegant way of sinking the ferryboat all suggests a practiced decorum aimed toward what we humans would call 'class.' They're classy villains, in short. =P

Good to see more familiar characters too. Niaka's group has the sort of attitude that the Matoran in my Universes always had, with some dimensions going as far as manifest destiny and supremacist conquerors. Proving yourself is always a fun theme to play with.

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Jan 11 2012 - 12:18 AM.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 10 is up, finishing Part One.

Hopefully I'll be able to post Chapter 11 next week but I have just noticed one small paragraph in it contradicts with a much larger section later on so I'll have to change it in 11, and check the rest of the epic to make sure the change isn't contradicted either...

the hut smash scene reminded my, (in my imagination) as that promo picture of a bohrok smashing through its hive.

Heh, cool.

and on the note of treespeak, in agents of surrender i do recall you having alot of treespeak, two word sentences, a bit too much, IMO. in this, i have noticed you made a couple treespeak only sentences, but not much.

Well, is it when Lewa or anyone else other than Ito is speaking? I often tried hard, especially in Agents of Surrender, to severely shorten Ito's lines because he's supposed to not talk much. Later I've had him sort of open up more and get wordier, but occasionally he still gets into a super-concise mood. So for him it's intentional. For Lewa and others not so much though.

i like the current rate you are posting chapters

Good to know.

Hey there! You know you're a good writer when a third year student steps down from everything except reviewing your story, even if it's a bit late.

A third-year student is never late. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Prologue: I've missed your impeccable ability to make my heart race. I'm right there with Bhukasa as he gives orders and jumps up to the crow's nest and so on. I'm glad I remember so much: having to re-read part of Twisted Island due to a server disruption a couple years ago probably helps my memory. But good sum-up at the end, I had forgotten about Caroha until the name was mentioned.

Really? It helps a lot to hear that, because it was one of the many details I seriously considered cutting. That sum-up went through about twenty version, all of them longer than the one I posted. Since the story isn't about Caroha in the sense that she gets no POV (a much later story will), it felt a bit weird to mention her by name here. Although she is very important in this one, and since this whole realm was her doing, albeit unintentionally, I guess it makes sense to point it out in a Saga opener.

The black hatch at the bottom of the ship was rather reminiscent of LOST, wasn't it? =P Now that I've watched the entire series, I'm able to catch these fan allusions more easily.

Yeah, it's one of many hatch allusions I've used throughout the Paracosmos, but probably the most reminiscent. Hatches are so fun.

This was all about establishing the principle of the Kuambu - reputation makes the enemy! I quite liked the Poem to the Prisoner as I'm going to call it.

Heh, the poet in me somewhere is glad to hear that.

Seems like they place great emphasis on 'form,' as in their behaviour and initial impressions. Reciting that to prisoners (assuming they aren't treating Niaka differently) plus the imposing ships and the admittedly elegant way of sinking the ferryboat all suggests a practiced decorum aimed toward what we humans would call 'class.' They're classy villains, in short. =P

=)

When I wrote that part, I actually hadn't decided if all of this was a standard introduction or if it was tailored for their first encounter with this particular culture, with Niaka as the representative. One thing to point out is that nowhere in here do I imply they recited it to the other prisoners on the boat. But I would say now that the poem is definately a standard one they recited. But they chose Niaka as the one from this new culture to recite it to, for their own reasons. So the answer is a bit of both, actually.

Good to see more familiar characters too. Niaka's group has the sort of attitude that the Matoran in my Universes always had, with some dimensions going as far as manifest destiny and supremacist conquerors. Proving yourself is always a fun theme to play with.

Indeed it is.

Edited by bonesiii, Jan 12 2012 - 03:32 PM.

[Takuta-Nui]

Chapter 2: Liking the emphasis on Lewa's perspective now. He definitely has played a large role compared to the other Toa so far in the Paracosmos, which suggests the acceleration of a divergence. The Unknown's warnings are altering his personality and worldview... while helping him avoid the darkturning, they may actually be causing him to take on a darker attitude due to caution and suspicion. Ironic.

Forgot about the zoocraft too! It must truly be enormous to hold a whole city's rubble. A bit sad we never got to see the city as a whole, but there are always flashbacks. Now they're actually going to the original Cosmos? Don't think that's happened before for any of our non-Unknown characters, and I don't recall if this is a regular thing for the Unknown to do. Caroha said it rather casually so I'm unsure, heh.

Little do the Kriitunga know that the very same Toa are returning... be interesting to see what happens. Krohlaba looks to be an appropriate conflict between his people and the Toa/Matoran/Bhukasa. The locus at which the two sides meet.

[~~Zarkan~~]

Been following this since the first chapter was posted. I'm probably not going to post any in-depth thoughts until the whole story is posted, but I can briefly comment on a couple of things. One, I had suspected the possibility of a Original Cosmos/Paracosmos crossover for sometime now, but I didn't expect it to happen so soon. Two, Bionicle+Transformers=Togglers, not to mention awesome. And three...

Hujo continued with his theory. “The suits have to be able to move at high speeds with very simple mental controls to enable anybody to fly long distances without a lot of practice… but a new user will likely ##### into full speed the first time. In that small room up there, let alone all the other places before that…”

Am I wrong, or is this apparent typo an insight into your method of writing?

Anyway, great so far, keep it up.

[atvan]

I missed BE. I want more BE.

Edit: Where can I read Twisted Island?

Edited by atvan, Jan 14 2012 - 02:26 PM.

[Bulik]

Just search it in The forum archive.

I loved chapter 10
suspense, action, cliffhangers, secrets revealed, new tech, riddles told, awesomeness, flight, telepathy, cosmos jumping, new characters, old characters, middle-aged characters, chapter 10 had it all.
so that is part one? good thing you said you will post the new chapter soon! I thought this would mean a month of delay! good thing it doesnt!

[bonesiii]

Part Two has begun with Chapter 11 posted.

The contradiction I mentioned earlier turned out to be easy to fix. Then I found a second contradiction that was also easy to fix lol. I do worry I'll miss a contradiction sooner or later. I've never written a story this huge before, so if you think something contradicts, please do point it out. Finding that first one was a slap-forehead moment, it should have been so obvious as I wrote it lol.

Chapter 2: Liking the emphasis on Lewa's perspective now. He definitely has played a large role compared to the other Toa so far in the Paracosmos, which suggests the acceleration of a divergence.

Not to comment one way or another on that, but I'm curious how you felt his large role suggests that? For the record, the main reason he has played a large role when he did is because canonically he went through two 'darkturnings' at these times, so I just felt that made him the most interesting at these times, divergeance or not. Buuut... I'm not disagreeing per se...

The Unknown's warnings are altering his personality and worldview... while helping him avoid the darkturning, they may actually be causing him to take on a darker attitude due to caution and suspicion. Ironic.

Indeed.

Forgot about the zoocraft too! It must truly be enormous to hold a whole city's rubble.

Well, yes and no. It was mentioned in Twisted Island that there was at least one giant dragon creature trapped there, and many others of fairly huge size too, so it had to be huge. But the label of 'city' is somewhat poetic; it's not as huge a place as Metru Nui for example. The design is more similar to what you'd call a city than a town or village for various reasons I'd rather not comment further on yet.

A bit sad we never got to see the city as a whole, but there are always flashbacks.

I can safely reveal that part of the reason they're collecting the rubble is they will be remaking the city out of its old mass (to some degree), and in essentially the same design. There was no design flaw in the city itself; what made it fall was the creation of Twisted Island and the safeguards that teleported away its hovering tech and valuables when the Unknown were teleported to TI. So no reason to make a different design now, plus it's what they're used to.

(Although I'm sure they'll make minor improvements.)

Now they're actually going to the original Cosmos? Don't think that's happened before for any of our non-Unknown characters, and I don't recall if this is a regular thing for the Unknown to do. Caroha said it rather casually so I'm unsure, heh.

It's not even all that regular for her, and as far as I have planned so far, only Caroha has ever done it. It's possible she could have brought another Unknown along as she's bringing Hujo sometimes, but I haven't said so yet.


Great to see you here, Zarkan -- I designed EB especially with your comments about length of epic and chapters in mind, so I'll be anxious to hear how you think it turned out once posted.

One, I had suspected the possibility of a Original Cosmos/Paracosmos crossover for sometime now, but I didn't expect it to happen so soon.

For the record, neither did I originally, heh. A crossover has always been planned for near the end, of a different sort, but this one basically just happened as a result of thinking through how Caroha would want to start telling Hujo the secrets of the Unknown, and how to do it as "show", not just "tell" or "read tablets", heh. Plus it's sort of a natural outgrowth of the abilities of Event Matoran established in Twisted Island.

Two, Bionicle+Transformers=Togglers, not to mention awesome.

On that subject, after posting, I noticed I apparently had edited out a part having Toggler mention that his main form can turn into a third mode of sorts, but left in when Bhukasa refers back to the third form. I went back and put it back in, but hopefully I didn't forget that it was somewhere else already. So if anybody happens to spot Toggler saying the same thing twice, that's why...

Am I wrong, or is this apparent typo an insight into your method of writing?

Lol, sure -- I'm always forgetting that word is filtered. This happens like at least once per epic XD. Fixed.

I missed BE. I want more BE.

More BE in Chapter 11.

Where can I read Twisted Island?

Clicky:


You can also find it and all the other previous Paracosmos stories in the archived Tapestry of Time Collection Topic, which was linked to at the firstpost of Endless Blue.

I loved chapter 10
suspense, action, cliffhangers, secrets revealed, new tech, riddles told, awesomeness, flight, telepathy, cosmos jumping, new characters, old characters, middle-aged characters, chapter 10 had it all.
so that is part one? good thing you said you will post the new chapter soon! I thought this would mean a month of delay! good thing it doesnt!

=D

[Bulik]

When bhukasa was telling toggler to go below deck, I was thinking: what? Go for lunch when the enemy is RIGHT BEHIND YOU!?!?!?!?!?

good job, but i dont have time to comment on the rest of the chapter.

[atvan]

I can't help but notice a connection between EB and BE…

Sweet chapter, thiugh the last scene was a bit confusing, above the cloud, under the cloud, through the cloud *choke* ahhh confused!

[Takuta-Nui]

Chapter 3: I think the most interesting parts were Bhukasa's dream-vision and the single-sense-being... both were so delightfully curious and abstract. It's the kind of thing where you can bury meaning within meaning and still have fun with nonsense concepts and descriptions.

The single-sense-being is definitely less easily deciphered. The only thing I'm certain of is that it's being teleported from place to place. And I'm reminded of Dalu's sensory increasing power too. But it may not be a power because I suspect "being" is purposely misleading here. It may actually be more of a phenomenon. That's as far as I've gotten in my speculation, though.

When reading Bhukasa's dream-vision scenes I totally felt trippy. =P I guess now that he knows the wood of his ship came from his homeland, he might be able to figure out a way to track it down using his power. Like absorbing some energy from the wood, and then using it as a dowsing beacon to guide him toward where there's more of that energy. I've been playing Skyward Sword (Zelda) and the dowsing ability in the game gave me this idea, heh.

Chapter 4: The lopped off handle on Bhukasa's ship surely has some importance since it got so much attention, and there wasn't a definite resolution... Then again, this could just be a distraction. I can't help but wonder if there is a Kuambu or agent underneath the boat right now rather than a sea Rahi like he thought.

Enjoyed the politics of the meeting; you know me. I actually think it would be really cool if you designed those tablets yourself and posted them in the Tapestry of Time so that we have a near-complete compendium of the Rahunga. I don't recall you making a database like this already. Then you could fill in the blanks in accordance with when it occurs in-story. Just an idea. =)

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Jan 18 2012 - 06:06 PM.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 12.

When bhukasa was telling toggler to go below deck, I was thinking: what? Go for lunch when the enemy is RIGHT BEHIND YOU!?!?!?!?!?

good job, but i dont have time to comment on the rest of the chapter.

Lol. Well, when a captain gots ta eat, he gots ta eat.

Of course, the Kuambu ship had fallen behind by that time. Bhukasa mentioned he couldn't see them anymore through the rain, and he did post lookouts.

I can't help but notice a connection between EB and BE…

Sweet chapter, thiugh the last scene was a bit confusing, above the cloud, under the cloud, through the cloud *choke* ahhh confused!

Nice catch about BE.

Yeah, I noticed how confusing that was in proofreading, but I no longer remembered exactly what I meant when I was writing it, and I figure, it's supposed to be confusing because it's a cloud, heh. But I'll try to at some point look at it more closely to make it clearer.

Chapter 3: I think the most interesting parts were Bhukasa's dream-vision and the single-sense-being... both were so delightfully curious and abstract. It's the kind of thing where you can bury meaning within meaning and still have fun with nonsense concepts and descriptions.

The single-sense-being is definitely less easily deciphered. The only thing I'm certain of is that it's being teleported from place to place. And I'm reminded of Dalu's sensory increasing power too. But it may not be a power because I suspect "being" is purposely misleading here. It may actually be more of a phenomenon. That's as far as I've gotten in my speculation, though.

When reading Bhukasa's dream-vision scenes I totally felt trippy. =P I guess now that he knows the wood of his ship came from his homeland, he might be able to figure out a way to track it down using his power. Like absorbing some energy from the wood, and then using it as a dowsing beacon to guide him toward where there's more of that energy. I've been playing Skyward Sword (Zelda) and the dowsing ability in the game gave me this idea, heh.

You're correct about the teleportation. Glad you liked the dream. I think it might be the wackiest segment I've ever written, lol.

Interesting idea about the wood. It's probably a type of tree that's common in cold areas throughout the world, though, so it probably wouldn't work. For example, the pines in Ko-Wahi might be of the same species.

Chapter 4: The lopped off handle on Bhukasa's ship surely has some importance since it got so much attention, and there wasn't a definite resolution... Then again, this could just be a distraction. I can't help but wonder if there is a Kuambu or agent underneath the boat right now rather than a sea Rahi like he thought.

I can confirm that it's a clue to something. I've been putting many clues to this particular something in Twisted Island and this story, but so far the clues have apparently been too subtle; this is the first someone's said they picked up on one. Hopefully once this is revealed TI and EB will have a lot of re-read value looking for them, heh.

Enjoyed the politics of the meeting; you know me. I actually think it would be really cool if you designed those tablets yourself and posted them in the Tapestry of Time so that we have a near-complete compendium of the Rahunga. I don't recall you making a database like this already. Then you could fill in the blanks in accordance with when it occurs in-story. Just an idea. =)

I'll consider it. I do have a database in a text file, although not all the details are established; some I have added to that file after inventing them for a story, not the other way around. I could probably adapt that to a public version, but I'd have to check through all the stories thus far to make sure I wasn't spoiling anything.

Edited by bonesiii, Jan 20 2012 - 01:40 AM.

[The First Speaker]

Great chapter! I especially liked the description of Rathoa's escape while shrunken - I think it was very well written and possibly my favourite part of the epic so far.

[bonesiii]

Chapter Thirteen is up.

Great chapter! I especially liked the description of Rathoa's escape while shrunken - I think it was very well written and possibly my favourite part of the epic so far.

Awesome.

[atvan]

I have read your entire tepestry of time, except unseen. I cannot access it. Is it somewhere unique from the rest? Also, have there been any more tapestry of time since the forum revision? Any other epics you've written? I nned more!


Anyway, love this so far, going to reread it now, hopefully some insights will manifest themselves.

[~~Zarkan~~]

I have read your entire tepestry of time, except unseen. I cannot access it. Is it somewhere unique from the rest? Also, have there been any more tapestry of time since the forum revision? Any other epics you've written? I nned more!

Bonesiii began posting Unseen in his blog shortly before the website downtime, and at the moment it remains incomplete. Unfortunately, that means Bonesiii is still the only BZP member who knows who won the Unseen Monster contest, and that some of the competitors probably aren't even participating in the site anymore.

[Takuta-Nui]

Chapter 5: Good descriptions with the armour suits and sub-pod. I may have said this before, but your characteristic way of describing new things with precise detail is easy to follow only if the reader is totally focused and can mentally hold onto everything described up to that point. It can be overwhelming sometimes. Within the chapter, a good comparison might be the odd flow of the water around the hull of Bhukasa's ship. That was easy enough to comprehend - perhaps because we all are familiar with how water acts - so I think that when it comes to alien things like technological boots that grow into armour, it is best to write the description as an impression. Focus more on the general patterns of the transformation, than on what the actual transformation consists of. If a reader can't immediately grasp the full picture, which they feel obliged to because you clearly put such emphasis on it with your detail, then they get frustrated.

My two critical cents for this chapter. Otherwise, very enjoyable! I'm guessing the single-sense-being has rapidly evolved into something more like a bodiless being. The senses seem to not matter much anymore because it has become aware of the distinct senses. That means it just had such a simple consciousness at first that it couldn't cognate more than one sense at a time, or even be aware that there were other senses. Very very basic intelligence! But now it's evolving, looks like... very cool.

Chapter 6: Well, nobody expects the chef to be evil!

This chapter is when I really noticed the blue theme because we spent so much time with the strange being. I noticed that in addition to the repeating blueness of things, there is water. And this being can't survive outside of water without being teleported away, it seems. I suspect it is some kind of elemental spirit.

And I remember that this Episode is intended to explain why so many beings, objects, and even phenomena are blue (like Blue Fire, which even in the face of BIONICLE physics is an arbitrary colour). Knowing now that Caroha's mind subconsciously designed the Paracosmos, I wonder if this was something as simple as blue being her favourite colour. Or perhaps as the Event occurred and she was teleported to the Paracosmos, the last thing she saw was something blue. Unsubstantiated theories, but they're based on Caroha being central to the underlying design of the Paracosmos, so who knows.

Edited by Takuta-Nui, Jan 30 2012 - 01:01 AM.

[bonesiii]

Chapter 14 is up.

Sorry for the delay; was doing that printscreening project of Lego Universe I mentioned in the official topic over in Digital Discussion.

I have read your entire tepestry of time

Cool; always good to know when the old stories are being read. FTR I hope to get the new version of the collection topic up within February so yall can still post story-specific reviews of old ones there.

except unseen. I cannot access it. Is it somewhere unique from the rest?

All except the last two (unwritten but planned in notes) chapters can still be found on my blog archive, links broken due to the server move, but I'd recommend waiting until I can finish and post it here in Epics. Which will hopefully be ASAP.

Unseen was partly an experiment in writing it as I post it, something other authors do commonly. I normally have a rule that I must finish writing a story before I begin posting... and the conclusion of the experiment I'd say is that my normal rule is a very, very good idea lol.

Also, have there been any more tapestry of time since the forum revision? Any other epics you've written? I nned more!

No, just Endless Blue (which is why I haven't reposted the Tapestry yet). But I already plan to finish and repost Unseen, as well as to finish the next Altacosmos story which is also partially written soon (which is why I need to repost the Tapestry soon ).

I should note that there's a reason why the finale epic to the Bonus series, taking place soon after Unseen, has to be delayed, because it reveals the answer to a question that isn't even set up in the main series yet, and won't be until two epics from now. So after Unseen the only new stories for a while will be in the main series and the Altacosmos. I may decide to actually deliver on the Ri-Rali promise, not sure.

Anyway, love this so far, going to reread it now, hopefully some insights will manifest themselves.

Cool, feel free to say any theories or questions you have.

Bonesiii began posting Unseen in his blog shortly before the website downtime, and at the moment it remains incomplete. Unfortunately, that means Bonesiii is still the only BZP member who knows who won the Unseen Monster contest, and that some of the competitors probably aren't even participating in the site anymore.

Yeaaahhhh.... Although, I probably would have had time to finish before the downtime. Main reason I didn't is I didn't yet have my own computer so I could choose when to write... Very hard to write on an unpredictable, unchosen schedule. Plus I was worried more about getting Endless Blue done.

As it stands now, I have the next main series story about halfway written too, so I have wiggle room to get back to the side stuff ASAP.

I may have said this before, but your characteristic way of describing new things with precise detail is easy to follow only if the reader is totally focused and can mentally hold onto everything described up to that point. It can be overwhelming sometimes. Within the chapter, a good comparison might be the odd flow of the water around the hull of Bhukasa's ship. That was easy enough to comprehend - perhaps because we all are familiar with how water acts - so I think that when it comes to alien things like technological boots that grow into armour, it is best to write the description as an impression. Focus more on the general patterns of the transformation, than on what the actual transformation consists of. If a reader can't immediately grasp the full picture, which they feel obliged to because you clearly put such emphasis on it with your detail, then they get frustrated.

Yeah I don't recall if anyone's brought it up but I'm aware of it. I'll look back over that section and see if I can revise it somehow. As for the boots I should note that later on there will be shorter "impression" descriptions of them again, but not as soon as they probably should be.

Lemme ask about an example -- what about the small eggcraft itself? Did I do a good job there? For example, the general impression is easy -- an egg. That's partially why I like to pick such simple shapes as cubes, spheres, and egg shapes for Unknown stuff. Even though some of it is highly advanced, I think it still gives it a somehow almost primitive, easy to understand (and describe in fiction) feel. Unlike, for example, if you tried to describe the Enterprise or the Millenium Falcon; those are shapes that are easy enough to grasp when you see them, but complex enough I can't imagine how to quickly sum them up easily in writing.

There's gonna be a major object where this will be a difficulty again in Part Five BTW I'll want to hear how I did on. Without giving it away, suffice to say it's made mostly of wood. You'll know what I mean when it comes up. (It's not a boat.) Of course, some confusion about that one will be intentional since even the characters have trouble understanding what they're seeing.

I'm guessing the single-sense-being has rapidly evolved into something more like a bodiless being. The senses seem to not matter much anymore because it has become aware of the distinct senses. That means it just had such a simple consciousness at first that it couldn't cognate more than one sense at a time, or even be aware that there were other senses. Very very basic intelligence! But now it's evolving, looks like... very cool.

That's a good summary, yes, except I would almost debate whether it even had a real consciousness at first. I was trying to somehow portray a mind that is working, like a very basic animal, and yet did not have a humanlike consciousness at all; like it was all subconscious which could not think at all but merely feel and react by instinct. But clearly a consciousness was trying to emerge from this already, so sure.

Chapter 6: Well, nobody expects the chef to be evil!

This chapter is when I really noticed the blue theme because we spent so much time with the strange being. I noticed that in addition to the repeating blueness of things, there is water. And this being can't survive outside of water without being teleported away, it seems. I suspect it is some kind of elemental spirit.

At this point I should be careful not to comment further... but you're not far off the mark there. Technically.

And I remember that this Episode is intended to explain why so many beings, objects, and even phenomena are blue

Well, I don't recall saying that EB would explain it. I see it more as helping establish that it's a phenomenon, which readers may not have noticed up until now, even though it's been present in the background from the start.

(like Blue Fire, which even in the face of BIONICLE physics is an arbitrary colour).

An astute observation. For the most part I did simply pick blue to represent the hottest fire because it's that way on Earth (not to follow Earth's rules, but because it's simply what readers are used to). That way I wouldn't have to keep explaining it being different over and over in new stories. There's much more on this subject I'd like to revisit later, but can't say yet for fear of spoiling things. (Also Bionicle fire seems to follow Earth's lighting rules, and is apparently based on Earth-style fire, stars and such, on Bara Magna, etc.)

Knowing now that Caroha's mind subconsciously designed the Paracosmos, I wonder if this was something as simple as blue being her favourite colour. Or perhaps as the Event occurred and she was teleported to the Paracosmos, the last thing she saw was something blue. Unsubstantiated theories, but they're based on Caroha being central to the underlying design of the Paracosmos, so who knows.

I can confirm that Caroha being blue, being surrounded by blue in Ga-Metru, etc. certainly played a role. Obviously since the end of Twisted Island I have been strongly implying that.

But I would also challenge you to answer this, under that theory, if so, then why is chronoserum itself blue, considering it predates Caroha in the Cosmos? For that matter, how is it that a blue Matoran happened to be the first one to touch this blue substance... or that a red Matoran carrying a Blue Fire Staff happened to be the second?

And let's keep in mind that Caroha's mind influenced and in some cases may have directed the design, but the chronoserum played a role too, in many ways unrelated to Caroha's mind. A major question must always be, of anything specific in the Paracosmos, did this come from Caroha's mind, or from the chronoserum's incomprehensible nature?

Edited by bonesiii, Feb 02 2012 - 08:19 AM.

[TLhikan]

Just finished reading the whole epic to this point, and it's as great as any BP story. A few thoughts:

The chef is evil? Great, and I made Hujo eat all those Fau cakes in the RPG....

Also, Blue Eyes is an interesting character. I was somewhat surprised (but shouldn't have been) that Surkahi seemed to know what he was.

Other than that, cool action sequences, and the sand parts in the last few chapters have been pretty scary. Keep it up!

-TLhikan

[bonesiii]

Chapter 15 be up yo yo.

I plan to put up two more chapters this week to make up for the LU-caused delay. Probably 16 on Tuesday, then 17 Friday. These three chapters go well together anyways as they tell of Bhukasa's encounter with the guardian Torkax (from Blue Contest).

Just finished reading the whole epic to this point, and it's as great as any BP story. A few thoughts:

The chef is evil? Great, and I made Hujo eat all those Fau cakes in the RPG....

Also, Blue Eyes is an interesting character. I was somewhat surprised (but shouldn't have been) that Surkahi seemed to know what he was.

Other than that, cool action sequences, and the sand parts in the last few chapters have been pretty scary. Keep it up!

-TLhikan

Thanks, TL. Glad to see you remember the chef from the game, heh, and interestingness and scariness also achieved.

[Bulik]

well, atleast bhukasa's comrades are alive. BE is getting interesing, with the fish armor 'n such. It appears the unknown and BE are made of the same substance, so maybe BE is some kind of unknown hatchling or a slain unkown slowly coming back and recollcting its substance from across the paracosmos..... Lol Ireally have no idea

[bonesiii]

Chapter 16, up on schedule.

well, atleast bhukasa's comrades are alive. BE is getting interesing, with the fish armor 'n such. It appears the unknown and BE are made of the same substance, so maybe BE is some kind of unknown hatchling or a slain unkown slowly coming back and recollcting its substance from across the paracosmos..... Lol Ireally have no idea

Those are both clever theories.