Posted Nov 10 2011 - 11:20 AM
post all comments here!
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:06 PM
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:32 PM
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 12:35 PM
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 02:36 PM
Posted Nov 10 2011 - 09:16 PM
Landforms like forests are only capitalized when you designate a specific one.
The world of Spherus Magna is a land of greens and browns, Forests and plains.
A lot of commas. Maybe try: There is a small area, however, around ninety kilbios from New Atero. Also, numbers lower than 100 should be spelled out.
There is, however, one, small area, around 90 kilbios from New Atero.
An area that defies explanation.
An Area that defies explanation.
He wore medium sized armor, except for his shoulder plates, which were unusually large.
He wore medium sized armor, except for his shoulder plates, which unusually large.
A few minutes later, he was less than a quarter mile from it.
A few minutes later, he was less than a ¼ mile from it.
“Something better. Much better,” the being, Darkon, answered.
“Something better. Much better.” The being, Darkon, answered.
Judging from this chapter, I'm running on the assumption that you are still early in your writing career. That's not a bad thing, but rather, it means this is just the beginning. Wherever this story ends up heading, you should use it as a reference for improvement down the road. In particular, your descriptive ability. I like the scene you've set up, but I feel like its incomplete. There are senses that seem left out, somehow. Sure, we have Darkon, sorting through junk and taking Lehvak-Kal back to a factory, but you can expand on that. Lehvak-Kal is certainly green and silver, but what else? He has those vacuum tools on his hands, probably dust and debris lining his shell that was buried in dirt. The same treatment could be given to Darkon. He has color, but what else? Is he frustrated, tired, pleased? Does he have any other distinct features? Is there anything going through his head? Is there anything on the mind of Lehvak-Kal's Krana-Kal? What does it feel like to be a mentality trapped in a body that won't respond?
There's plenty of room to go exploring here, and you're only one chapter in. Use the senses, and treat the reader's experience like you're feeding them. You can tell me that the landscape was a yellow-tan desert, or through the eyes of Darkon, you can show me. Its the clever balance of giving the reader plenty of dessert, and just enough broccoli.
Anyway, I think you're off to a great start. Keep working at your description and detail, and watch the grammar (use MS Word or something if you aren't already). Writing an epic can be a huge undertaking, but if you take it step by step, and create a flow for yourself, you're bound to be successful. Best of luck, Darkon - keep at it!
Posted Nov 15 2011 - 05:07 PM
Anyway, I have a terrible habit of captilizing that that shouldn't be captilized, so that is a big grammar I plan on fixing.
Also, the quote "Its the clever balance of giving the reader plenty of dessert, and just enough broccoli." is pure awesomesauce
Since I already have 10 more chapters written, the recommendations you said shouldn't be seen soon, but when Dark Dawn gets to the point after that review, there will hopefully be a change for the better.
Posted Nov 16 2011 - 02:27 PM
Posted Nov 16 2011 - 02:45 PM
You shall understand soon... Very soon...
Oh wait. That's right. Tahu isn't a Nuva anymore. *FACEPALM* I totally forgot that. XD Just pretend like he got turned back into one. And also, forgot about the makuta powers thing. Isn't that from when he killed those rahkshi? Forget about that too... XD
Posted Nov 16 2011 - 03:18 PM
Posted Nov 22 2011 - 05:22 PM
Edited by Zarohum, Nov 22 2011 - 05:30 PM.
Posted Nov 23 2011 - 10:56 AM
Posted Nov 29 2011 - 03:58 PM
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