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Jedi Gali

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A Real Smile

“Kel!” Would she ever give up? One attempt would be understandable, maybe even two, but six? Her door was shut and locked for a reason. Ma’i likely had good intentions; she probably wanted to give her a bowl of soup and a hug but she simply wasn’t in the mood to see anyone. Anyone except-No. Kel Kaness shook her head determinedly. It was hopeless thoughts like those that pushed her back into depression. Futile wishes were merely that: futile. No matter how much she clung to the past, it would never return to greet her. Some things just faded away like a dying rose. And some people disappeared from her life like a, like a- Kel blinked back a tear and picked up her ink pen. There was too much work to be done for her to waste her days crying over lost dreams. If she didn’t get these sales records copied and taken to the shipping office by noon, she would have more to worry about than unwanted memories: namely becoming an unwanted clerk. “Focus,” she muttered to herself. Her hand clenched the pen tighter and she resumed her copying. Only two more pages and then she’d be done. It was truly amazing to her how one merchant could manage to book so much cargo on only two small fishing ships. Yes, he’d been in the business for years but five hundred barrels of wheat on one vessel? For another hour, she plowed on determinedly before finally sticking her quill pen in its stand and placing the records in a leather satchel. She sighed, rubbed her sore neck and cramped hands, and left her desk to stand in front of the small mirror. Her appearance wasn’t as bad as she would’ve thought. Yes, her face was a little red from the heat of her stuffy bedroom and her hair was sticking up from her head in a dozen places, but with a little work, she could pass off as normal-looking. The last thing she needed was her ma’i or friends stopping her and asking her how she was doing. No matter how good their motives, Kel was in no mood to discuss her emotions. Stroking her white blonde hair with a comb, she expertly twisted it up into a tight knot and then smoothed out the rumples in her gray linen dress. Kel eyed her appearance once more before scooping up the satchel and her shawl and leaving her room for the first time in two days. Before Ma’i could hear her soft footsteps from the kitchen, Kel slipped out the front door and onto the dusty street. The morning crowds were already bustling about the town, hurrying towards the market, the docks, and every other shop lining the way. Kel frowned and pushed her way past a tall figure ambling along in front of a trinket stand. “Hey!” She glanced back to see the same young man scowling at her, the shattered remnants of a glass vase lying scattered around his feet. “I, I’m sorry!” She raised her voice to be heard over the low rumble of the swells of people. “That won’t replace the vase, but thanks,” he said sarcastically, kicking at the shards. There was no time to waste with errands awaiting her. But she restrained herself from glancing at the satchel in her hands and forced a sympathetic expression onto her face. “I’m sorry,” she apologized. “I just used my last ten arna on that! It was a gift!” Though she knew she should have felt apologetic, the only emotion running through her was impatience. “Well, what do you want me to do, wave my hands and make it reappear as good as new?” The man crossed his arms across his broad chest. “Yeah, that’d be a start.” Kel tightened her mouth. He wouldn’t let her go till she gave him something. If only she had a few arna; that might appease him. “I don’t have any money for you now-” “Really?” He looked at her skeptically and brushed his hand over her soft sleeve. “You seem well off to me.” “And so do you!” She snapped, her temper getting the better of her common sense. “Who else buys a vase for ten arna on a whim?” He worked his jaw back and forth before saying in a strained tone, civility barely hiding his anger. “You don’t have any idea. This was an honor gift that I’ve been saving up for for months!” Honor gift. Kel turned her head and took a deep breath. The last time she’d seen an honor gift… it had been sitting on a shelf, awaiting the man who was to come and claim his soon-bride. After a year, Ma’i had hidden it away without a word. “I, I didn’t know that,” she attempted clumsily, her mind fuzzy with swirling emotions. “Well, how would you?” He said irritably. “Now can you please give me some money to replace it?” “Uh, ye- yes,” Kel dug in her bag for a scrap of paper and a charcoal pencil and hurriedly scribbled onto it. “I don’t, I don’t have any, any money with me now but if, if you come to this house tomorrow, I can give you what you need.” The man considered her words for a long moment, his brown eyes boring into the paper she held out to him. “Alright. I’ll be there,” he paused. “Thank you.” Kel nodded and hurried on her way. At least some girl would have the opportunity to experience the happiness she never had. By the time she reached the shipping office it was nearly noon and the blaring sun reminded her with every step that she might be late. She swung open the door and entered the dim reception area, already whisking the neatly copied records from her satchel. “Gorig! I have the manifests you wanted!” The cranky merchant didn’t even poke his head out of the office. “Put them on the desk and I’ll get them later!” She set them down on the smooth wooden desk she normally worked on and made sure they were plainly visible atop a stack of shipping requests. Once he claimed that he never received a set of records and threatened to fire her. “Alright! Anything else?” There was a brief silence. “Girl, just go home and let me work!” Kel rolled her eyes. For someone so demanding, he never wanted her around on off-days, even when he was working. She stepped out of the office and breathed a sigh of relief. That was one less thing to worry about. Outside, dark gray clouds were rolling in from the west, obscuring the bright blue sky. A gust of wind stirred her skirts and brought with it the salty scent of the sea. In a matter of minutes, if they were lucky, rain would arrive. And considering how this summer had been so dry, rain would be more than welcome. Otherwise, the harvest would be poor and there wouldn’t be any wheat to export and no one would have need of merchants. And then she would be out of work, the last thing she needed at a time like this. Though the sky boded foul weather in matter of minutes, she had no desire to return to the house. At least, not yet. For weeks, she had only left to go to the office and work for hours straight. Her body had been so tired, so weak; she had been incapable to do much more than walk the few blocks it took to reach the office. But now, finally, she felt her energy returning to her. Kel attempted to push the rising memories into the dark corner of her mind where they belonged. For months, she had tried to expel them and get rid of any evidence of his presence. And yet, every single time she let go and released him into the past where he belonged, something happened to rekindle her devotion to his memory.Suddenly a loud rumble, not from the sky but from her stomach, jerked her mind back to the present. Food. She hadn’t eaten a mouthful of the stuff in at least a day or so. Kel glanced around at the various food stands- well, it couldn’t hurt. It was strange to recognize hunger after her appetite had left her for so long. She struggled to think. Why was it coming back now? Maybe it was because she had just recovered from her sickness or maybe she was finally getting over… no, that couldn’t be it. Perhaps it was because- Kel brushed away the thoughts. Regardless, with the impending storm, the vendors were starting to pack away their wares; if she wanted something, the time was now. Slipping through the streams of people rushing to get indoors, Kel stopped in front of a small stand advertising baked goods. The owner didn’t even look up from the large basket he was tucking his breads into. “What?” He said gruffly. “I know you want to get inside before your goods are ruined, but, could I please buy two rolls before you close?” Kel asked tentatively. He didn’t seem to be in too good of a mood. The man glanced up from his work, his dark eyes twinkling beneath his bushy gray eyebrows. “So you’d like a snack, eh?” “Yes, sir.” “Alright then.” And he gave her a warm smile. Kel furrowed her brow. Something about those eyes, there was a certain kindness in them…maybe the man knew her and felt he had to pity her. As he handed her the warm package, she stepped forward and said in a low voice, “Excuse me, sir, but have I seen you before?” He wiped his hands on his brown apron and hefted the loaded baskets in his arms. “Can’t say that you have.” “But, but your smile and, and-” “What about them?” Kel shook her head. Maybe she hadn’t completely recovered yet... “I thought that you knew who I was, that you had to feel sorry for me.” He chuckled. “Miss, I don’t know you; I’ve never seen you before in my life.” “So then-” “You sounded a bit sad.” The old man shrugged. “Can’t I try to bring a smile to that pretty face of yours?” And with that, he trudged off down the dirt road. For a few moments, Kel stared after him in amazement. A random stranger was kind to her for no other reason than to help her smile? It was, simply, simply- “Wait!” Kel called after the disappearing form. “I haven’t paid you!” But he was gone. Though the thought crossed her mind that she should be feeling bad cheating a poor old man of his money, something in her whispered that that wasn’t the case. Kel turned away slowly, whispering at the empty road, “Thank you.” Around her, the streets were quickly emptying as the thunder grew louder and the lightning brighter. But she picked up the package of rolls and carefully unwrapped it. The bread was still warm; it had likely been pulled out of an oven less than an hour earlier. Her stomach still reminding her that it’d been days since she last ate, she tore the soft roll in half and bit into it. Delicious. She closed her eyes and savored the warmth. Somehow, it tasted comforting. “Are you okay?” Kel jumped, her heart skipping wildly inside her chest. But when she looked down, it was only a boy, his blue eyes wide with concern. He was waiting, waiting for her answer. She nodded. “Good.” The boy still looked sober. “You look so pale and, and sick. Are, are you sure?” His words were so sincere and so innocent, yet so penetrating. Was she alright, truly alright? He was forever gone, part of her heart and part of her life. And no amount of time would ever completely heal the pain she felt. But why? How could he- how could he leave without a word? Even a goodbye would have been better than nothing. Kel blinked back the tears. No matter how much she tried to stuff the memories away, they would always be there. Just like he was once always there. Then she felt a warm hand on her own trembling one, and then a tight squeeze. The child gazed up at her. “It’ll be okay.” Yes, part of her life was gone. But not all of it. And Kel smiled. “I know.” The boy broke into a grin. “Alright.” “Hey,” an idea came to her. “Would you like to try?” She held out the other roll. After what he gave her, it wasn’t much, but it was something.After a moment’s hesitation, he bobbed his head eagerly and chomped down on the roll. As they stood there, raindrops beginning to splatter down, she couldn’t help but watch him eat. There was something so soothing and ordinary in it all. For the first time in a year, she felt at peace.“Could you spare me a piece?”Kel froze. No. It wasn’t possible. It, it was her mind. Yes, yes- playing tricks on her. Sick. She was still sick. It couldn’t, couldn’t be.“Please?”Someone touched her shoulder, gently. The fingers felt rough and, and calloused. But, but the touch was so familiar. Kel couldn’t breathe.No, no she was, was crazy. It was a lie. A, a trick. Not real. It couldn’t be. The rain poured down, soaking through her dress and streaming down her face. But she barely felt anything beyond the drumming of her heart and those, those hands.“Kel.”It was him. Before a cry of joy could escape her lips, those hands grasped her waist tightly and spun her around. Kel gasped for air. The wildest fantasy of hers could never have created this moment. Not even her most vivid dreams could compare to this. The soft brown eyes gazing down at her were too real for any dream or imagination.This time, she couldn’t stop the tears from spilling out, mixing with rain. But she didn’t care. Because this time, they were tears of pure joy. “You’re, you’re here.”“I’m here.” Bliss filled his gaze and his eyes never left her face. “And I’m never leaving.”And once again, Kel smiled.

~End~

I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think.

:kaukau: -JG

toaofthenewrepublicv2jx3.gif

Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

 

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.

...

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Just so you know, I had read this about two days ago, but I've been a little busy so I wasn't able to review it. Glad I got around to it.First off, descriptions are AWESOME. I'm not lying here, you wrote out setting that I can see easily, from her messy hair, to depressed attitude. Man... the rainy day, the shattering vase, the little roll, it was all described so well, and that's very important for me. That's what really caught my attention and kept me reading.It's hard for me to describe the plot, because there are some answers you left out in it. Why did her fiance disappear? Why did he come back? After I read the story I kept wondering why you didn't explain that, but to be honest, after savoring it, those plot details weren't the point of the story and even though it's a little unrealistic of an ending, the over all meaning of it is heartwarming! :3So, descriptions are great, characters are real and familiar (oh yeah forgot to mention, her meeting those random people on the street was a very nice touch), and the plot though it has hiccups has an overall message that's subtly given to put a smile on your face.Well done. ^^Ah, actually, one thing. I liked the dialogue, but I felt like this was a little awkward of a read.

He wiped his hands on his brown apron and hefted the loaded baskets in his arms. “Can’t say that you have.”“But, but your smile and, and-”“What about them?”Kel shook her head. Maybe she hadn’t completely recovered yet... “I thought that you knew who I was, that you had to feel sorry for me.”

But that's the only one.
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  • 5 weeks later...

Just so you know, I had read this about two days ago, but I've been a little busy so I wasn't able to review it. Glad I got around to it.

Haha, I'm far worse that you are... as you can see. :D

First off, descriptions are AWESOME. I'm not lying here, you wrote out setting that I can see easily, from her messy hair, to depressed attitude. Man... the rainy day, the shattering vase, the little roll, it was all described so well, and that's very important for me. That's what really caught my attention and kept me reading.

Yay! I know I love being able to picture exactly what's going on...

It's hard for me to describe the plot, because there are some answers you left out in it. Why did her fiance disappear? Why did he come back? After I read the story I kept wondering why you didn't explain that, but to be honest, after savoring it, those plot details weren't the point of the story and even though it's a little unrealistic of an ending, the over all meaning of it is heartwarming! :3

Yah, I know... it wasn't really designed to be a plot-based story, rather I wanted to focus on the character. And even Kel didn't know why he disappeared, which is part of what made it so hard for her.

So, descriptions are great, characters are real and familiar (oh yeah forgot to mention, her meeting those random people on the street was a very nice touch), and the plot though it has hiccups has an overall message that's subtly given to put a smile on your face.

Then my goal was accomplished! Apparently since all of my stories were depressing, my friend told me I had to write something happier. :)

Ah, actually, one thing. I liked the dialogue, but I felt like this was a little awkward of a read.

He wiped his hands on his brown apron and hefted the loaded baskets in his arms. “Can’t say that you have.”“But, but your smile and, and-”“What about them?”Kel shook her head. Maybe she hadn’t completely recovered yet... “I thought that you knew who I was, that you had to feel sorry for me.”

But that's the only one.
Hmm...I think I see what you mean.But thank you so much, Grant!!! I really appreciate you taking the time to read this and review it!! :):kaukau: -JG

toaofthenewrepublicv2jx3.gif

Toa of the New Republic ~ The Collision of Two Worlds

 

The body of Orkham dangling from a vine. Shamiir’s corpse, his chest nearly split in half. One by one, the bodies of his friends and squad mates flashed by till he realized the horrible truth... They were all dead but two.

...

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  • 9 months later...

Official Short Stories Critics Club Charity ReviewFirst, it's nice to see Times New Roman again, all these sans-serif fonts get a little sterile afterwhile. I'll start with looking at some specific areas.

No. Kel Kaness shook her head determinedly. It was hopeless thoughts like those that pushed her back into depression. Futile wishes were merely that: futile. No matter how much she clung to the past, it would never return to greet her. Some things just faded away like a dying rose. And some people disappeared from her life like a, like a-
I'm not sure how I feel about this metaphor. It's overused, and the plural at the beginning clashes with the singular at the end. At least, it should be changed to "like dying roses." However, in the thoughts of someone as practical and businesslike as Kel seems to be, it seems a little out of place.Just one little other thing. When you interrupt a thought or speech, it's traditional to use an em dash (—) instead of a hyphen. On Macs they are produced by hitting option+shift+hyphen. I don't know how to type them on PC's but I'm sure it is on the internet somewhere.
For another hour, she plowed on determinedly before finally sticking her quill pen in its stand and placing the records in a leather satchel.
This isn't necessary. "Plowed on" implies determination.
Something about those eyes, there was a certain kindness in them…maybe the man knew her and felt he had to pity her.
I'm not sure if this is grammatically correct or not, but either way it is awkward. Try: "There was something about those eyes, a certain kindness in them..."Second, it is also nice to see a well-paced, clean story. There was very little awkward phrasing, or places where the story got bogged down. It read smoothly from start to finish. That brings me to the fact that it felt a little too smooth. There was nothing that really snagged me or allowed me to examine the characters. I feel you could grab potential readers more if you slowed down this a bit. This doesn't necessarily mean adding more words: rather, you should think about what images or situations would appear more emphasized in your character's eyes.I know that this story is not so focused on plot, but character motivations are important. I find it hard to believe that this strong, practical character who has been abandoned without a word by her fiance would just leap into his arms. Maybe she's more fragile than I though, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth. If you could clarify his motivations, at least in your head, I feel it would give this story a lot more closure.It was good to hear from you; if you have any questions feel free to ask them. Keep writing too. ^^ Edited by Yukiko

There's a dozen selves inside you, trying to be the one to run the dials

[BZPRPG Profiles]

Hatchi - Talli - Ranok - Lucira - FerellisMorie - Fanai - Akiyo - Yukie - Shuuan - Ilykaed - Pradhai - Ipsudir

And some aren't even on your side.

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