4 replies to this topic

[Riisiing Moon]

Here's a little fairy tale I wrote for my English class--the object is to convey some kinda moral or message, and I made it my personal goal to use the language associated with fairy tales. Never written kids' books before, so this was an interesting experience. Not exactly my best or proudest work, but I like the result nonetheless. Lemme know what you think!

* * *

Upon a little girl’s tallest dresser rested a lavish, pleasant little toy house, home to a lavish, pleasant little toy boy. The house, though, was locked, and the little toy boy could not leave the house without his mother’s instructions—for the door’s lock was so extravagantly intricate, and a little toy boy like him could not open it on his own. The little toy boy wanted to nothing more than to escape the house and view the world beyond the eternally sealed door, but Mother would never allow such a lavish, pleasant little toy boy to leave until he knew just how to open the door.

And so each day, Mother would teach the little toy boy the door’s elaborate secrets, for hours daily. And at the end of each day’s lesson, he would insist the knowledge was his absolutely, that the very purpose of the lesson was to use his knowledge and leave the house—but Mother would simply gaze down, disappointed, shaking her head, muttering her regrets and desires under her breath. And so each day the lesson would be repeated, the little toy boy’s frustration towering upon itself.

He hatched a plan. The plan would anger Mother—but suppose he never had to see her again? The little toy boy became unbearably excited, and for days and days and days he prepared himself, hiding away in his lavish, pleasant room after his lessons until the dark came out and sleep overtook him. One night, when the big stick on the great numbered circle that hung on the girl’s wall rested on the twelve—the little toy boy saw this only outside the window, for he was not allowed to leave the house—he tiptoed past Mother’s room with a youthful stealth. As his excitement blazed ever-brighter, he leapt across the lavish central room to the door and undid the lock with the knowledge he’d been endowed with so many times.

Oh, the beauty of the real world! Darkness rested upon the house, upon the little girl as she sleepily gripped her pillow. Other toys pranced about the room, dancing night’s dance in a sort of silent harmony. Eager to meet the denizens of this new world, the little toy boy peered over the edge of the tallest dresser.

Too eager, he was. Never before had the little toy boy known any such experience as falling, not in his comfortable, lavish, pleasant little house…height held no meaning for him. Mother had never taught him this! Down he fell, over the edge, while time slowed to a crawl. And the other toys—mauled and twisted and filled with malice and horror, he saw upon closer inspection—laughed with a devilish wickedness as he plummeted. Mother had not taught him of this cruel world, this un-lavish, unpleasant terror…and Mother watched, stoic, through the window as he fell and fell and fell. And died.

[Toa Korkoa: Toa of plasma]

^{This is suprisingly gripping... I think you did a good job sticking to the old school fairytale format, with lessons learned and subsequent consiquences for those actions. If I may offer one bit of constructive criticism however... The Mother character appeared out of nowhere. On my first read through I had to stop and try to figure out "Is Mother the little girl? Is Mother another toy?" I settled on another toy, as that seemed to be the intention, but I would suggest introducing her as such, if that makes any sense... As a whole though, I quite liked the story, and I could defenitly see it fitting in perfectly with a collection of fairly tales. Good job!}

[Peach 00]

This was strange yet enthralling. I must admit, it was horrifying how you described the death at the end. It is hard to describe everything in the eyes of a toy, but you succeeded. I congratulate you on a job well done - keep up the good work.

[Riisiing Moon]

Thanks a lot, guys, this means a lot! Korkoa--I'll edit that in my paper, thanks for pointing it out, I'm handing this in tomorrow.

I sort of modeled this after Hans Christian Anderson's old-school fairy tale writing style, which we got into in class a bit, and it's awesome to know I accomplished that! I've always thought it's cool the way he balances a sort of juvenile, naive innocence with outright sadism and even horror, so I guess I tried to mimic that sense here. Thanks a ton for the reviews!

[Velox]

Hey there, I'm here with an Official SSCC Charity Review, as we are going through all the old stories in the OTC forum and reviewing them. So without further ado, let's begin!

 

for the door’s lock was so extravagantly intricate, and a little toy boy like him could not open it on his own.

 

I think that would work better by replace "and" with "that", but that's just my personal preference. It was so hard to open that he couldn't open it, vs. it was so hard to open and he couldn't. Sounds kind of redundant the way you have it. 

 

But otherwise the grammar here is solid. There is anther thing I'd like to point out, though: You say this is a children's story, yet one of the most used words -- "lavish" -- is kind of a "big word" for a children's book, or at least I think so. There's also the fact that you repeatedly use it so much. I get that you're trying to keep the repetition there, but when you use "lavish" it just really stands out to me. "Lavish" by itself is a word that kind of stands out, as it's not all that common (I mean, sure, common enough that most people should know what it means, but still) -- then using it a couple dozen times just makes that worse. If you replaced it with simply "rich" I think it'd 1. fit a children's book better; and 2. would simply look better, and be less glaring (perhaps you could keep "lavish" twice, or something? At the beginning and the end? I do like the sound of "un-lavish" at the end, so it'd be cool if you could keep that -- maybe if you made it clear that lavish meant rich or something, not sure). And there's a few other words that could be replaced with simpler synonyms, such as "stoic", etc., as this is a children's story. But again, maybe that's just me.

 

The story itself was pretty good, overall. I have to agree with Korkoa about the mother. In fact overall I'd like a little more explanation...it's obvious that this is a toy in a girl's room, but there still isn't much background to it. I'd also explain more the relationship between the Mother and the reason she's teaching him those things...you say she teaches him so that he can open it, yet she does not teach him about what to do after he does. Maybe I misread it or just missed it, but it just seems like there's a contradiction there -- she wants him to open it, because she teaches him how to, yet she doesn't want him to leave at the same time.

 

You did a good job of telling the story through the eyes of a toy, though -- he seemed like a normal character almost, which is great. The death, too, was well-done. I have to say I didn't expect it, this being a fairy tale and all. But then again, the Brothers Grimm wrote worse, sooo. =P The writing-style was enjoyable, too, and definitely fairy-tale-ish. If this were a regular story I'd say that you should explain some things, like the lock, etc., but as a fairy tale...it just seems to work. 

 

Overall this was a short and enjoyable read. Keep it up, and I hope to read more from you in the future.

 

 

Edited by Velox, Jan 17 2013 - 04:04 AM.