The Light In The Shadows: Review Topic

[~Lord Zahaku~]

Hey guys, I am beginning to repost my epic with BZP's return. Expect the new chapters up as soon as I have reposted all the old ones.Anyways, please read, review and enjoy!This epic would not of happened without my good friends and fellow members of The C.I.R.C.L.E. for their ideas and support and Greg F for his helpful writing tips and helping me keep my story compatible with the rest of the BIONICLE canon.Link to the epic is in the signiture.~Lord Zahaku

Edited November 29, 2011 by ~Lord Zahaku~

[Protodite Karzahni]

Hey there! ECC critic The Wretched Automaton here to deliver one freshly baked charity review!

 

As far as grammar and typos go, I was going to bring up a list of each little mistake and error so that you could go through and strenuously correct each one, if you were so inclined. However, in the end I hate intimidating walls of quote blocks just as much as most and seven chapters of them might get a bit tiresome so I’m simply going to list a couple of common flaws that popped up now and again. For one I noticed your usage of words such as “defense” and “devise” when instead of an s they use a c. There were a few cases of saying “its’” which is grammatically incorrect as that’s the same as saying “its’s”. Another thing I noticed was the tendency for characters to speak in the present tense, such as in the first chapter when Flengu cries “No! I’m helping you!”. Grammatically, there’s nothing wrong with that but it just felt strange to see him say that as though he were assisting him at that very moment when he wasn’t. He was watching him burn. Perhaps I’m just nitpicking but I probably would have been happier to see him say “I’m going to help you” or even simpler “Forget him, you need help”. All I can suggest for these, and for several other misspellings, is to proof-read thoroughly before posting. I also suggest reading aloud passages aloud to see how well your sentences flow.

 

Okay, now that that business is out of the way I wanted to move onto the most pressing matter of your epic which I feel needs to be brought up. Over the course of the story, I noticed that during scenes you list the events that occur brilliantly to the point where I’m aware of every action that takes place. However the one thing that I feel is missing is you telling me how they happen. Imagery is a powerful tool in literature and one that was a little neglected at times. Every time you used a simile, I cheered inwardly because it added that little bit more personality into the narrative. I just feel you didn’t use them enough, along with metaphors, personification and all that other lark. Instead of just saying that a character swung their sword at another, why not say that their sword arced through the air and bit into the cold, steel flesh of the opposition’s weapon? While that’s not a perfect example, personification like that can add so much more life into what would otherwise be a list of happenings (And unfortunately with the frequency with which I read the words “and then” in some scenes, it did have a tendency to feel like a list). Imagery is a condiment used to make the meal of writing that much more delicious so the absence of it can make the meal taste quite dry and wanting.

 

Another thing that came to mind is that overall I was quite confused as to what was meant to be the overarching storyline. That’s not to that the chapters were unclear, but they all seemed to be connected by a random string of events. I gathered the Makuta were involved somehow and there was some intrigue relating to Ferax and the secret cult he seems to have wound himself in at but besides from that I wasn’t sure. I gather that this might have been your intention, but I just think that by the seventh chapter the reader should be able to have a firm grasp on the plot so that they can feel involved and start theorising for the future.

 

Of course, I do want to make it clear that I found your story interesting and would definitely like to see where it goes from here. It wasn’t perfect, but nothing ever is. These are flaws to be overcome and when they are your epic will be all the better for it. That is if you intend to continue the story any further, given the last chapter was posted in February. And I rather hope that you do.