RPG Forum Contest 22 Reviews

[Black Six]

RPG Forum Text-Based RPG Contest 22 ReviewsYou know the drill. Read the rules here. Submit entries here. Review entries and discuss reviews here.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Edited this for informalities.By Toa Levacius Zehvor....Review of "Arena of Honour" by Toa KovoltaFirst off, love the banner. If it's computer made, don't tell me - it's better off with me thinking it's some form of cool looking water color effect. The Comic Sans? Not so much. Arial, Times New Roman, Georgia, Tahoma, that two word one - Palintio Lynotype or something like that, too lazy to spell it right - those are the only ones I can take seriously. But I can get through this.Akolhini? So, took two sports and fused the names. Lets see how close it is to the other two.The map is lovely. Though now that we're allowed to talk about gambling on BZP, the Stelt section of the epic I'm writing just about tripled in the number of ways I can write it. The areas aren't detailed as much as I like (I take every little detail and emphasize on it, which is often criticized in my writing of these things, so I guess that's probably a good thing) but they give me the general idea, and my minds eye sees the locations.A lot of detail for a game. Of course, the game does appear to be the focus of the RPG.Have rules and a character sheet, everything required. All in all, it's pretty good. Would I vote for it? Probably not, just because I wouldn't personally much want to play a game within a game or a game about a game (Still will never understand Madden.) Would I play if it won? I guess it depends on time. How would I rate it? It's pretty good.That basically concludes my review. I won't be giving star ratings until more RPGs are up (1 Star - 9 Stars, because nothing is 10 Star).-Toa Levacius Zehvor

Edited December 6, 2011 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

ARENA OF HONOUROk, first off, I am impressed by the banner. Very nice. Did you do that yourself?Secondly, everything is in quote boxes. I find this original and fresh, mostly due to the fact that everything is "quoted" and it actually makes sense for your story.Now, the story. So you're basically being asked to some sort of tournament of this Akolhinii. You also aren't forced to participate, I like this, it gives characters more freedom, which is always a good thing. This letter didn't really grab me, but maybe that's because I had no idea what Akolhinii was my first time reading through.The map is nicely done while still being basic enough and simple to read. The locations are described by their functions, not how they actually look. What does Certamine Urbem look like? Is it high tech? Does it look like Metru Nui but compacted and built more vertically? The descriptions satisfied me the first time through, but for this review I would like at least a little more detail in the locations.Akolhinii; you do very nicely in describing exactly what it is and how it is played. I enjoyed there being several types of staffs for use. The rules fit perfectly in with the flow.Now, what is this committee thing? I don't quite understand that. Are you saying players will be able to fill the open slots?Teams are tiny but functional.The profiles are simplified and feel like they fit in with the RPG. Same thing going for the Team Profiles. Although for those, do the teams get to choose a color (or colors) and a symbol for their team? You know, adding some customization.Overall, this RPG flows well and appears well thought out. It's a tournament, and what can I say, I love tournaments! Although this one does not have you fighting more so as it has you competing. I'm not sure how I feel about how people might try to play the sport. But what do I know? Just because it's something I have not experienced before does not mean I should disapprove. And what I'm saying there is that to me personally, I don't find the main pull of this RPG (Akolhinii) to be appealing enough for me to vote for it.Otherwise, this is a great RPG, good luck in the contest!

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Alright, now...Toa Levacius Zehvor presents....A Review of "DARK MIRROR" by RakataHuh. I think I've seen this one before. Was it another contest or in the Planning Topic? Bah, never mind, it'll be better now than it was then, so even I remembered where it wouldn't matter. Things just get better.Okay, reading the first part. Sea gates closing. Three factions with power, sort of like Dark Mirror in a way.You really don't need to give the names of each defense force. Just put something like "each Metru has it's own private defense force; i.e. Ta-Metru Defense Force, Coliseum Defense Force". That shortens it a bit. Not that I'm one to talk about shortening. Small error - Rahkshi shells are made out of Kraata placed in energized protodermis, they can't be manufactured.Chute Dragons? What?Anyways, the districts are described as needed to identify changes. You don't exactly have to over detail Metru-Nui.Typo - You say Lesovikk made four toa stones, but only say three of the matoran. On purpose? The factions look alright, with each having their own specialization.No Mask of Emulation? Bah, one of the weakest mask powers there is.Your character sheet is good, and another RPG with a weakness section. Is it balanced to create someone who is weak to everything and has every power there is?Anyways, the RPG is pretty good. Would I vote for it? Remains to be seen with the other RPGs. Would I play it if it won? Probably. How would I rate it? It's decent, not quite as good as the previous one from a writing standpoint, but I like the scenario more (that is a matter of personal taste).-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Toa Kovolta]

Legend:Black: LevaciusPurple: KalGreen: MeFirst off, love the banner. If it's computer made, don't tell me - it's better off with me thinking it's some form of cool looking water color effect.Ok, first off, I am impressed by the banner. Very nice. Did you do that yourself?Thanks, it's just a little something I quickly whipped up in -close your ears Levacius- photoshop. Yeah I made it myself.The Comic Sans? Not so much. Arial, Times New Roman, Georgia, Tahoma, that two word one - Palintio Lynotype or something like that, too lazy to spell it right - those are the only ones I can take seriously. But I can get through this.Comic Sans, would not have been my first choice either, but I wanted to go with something that looked a little more handwritten for the letter, and Comic Sans is the closest we have on here.Secondly, everything is in quote boxes. I find this original and fresh, mostly due to the fact that everything is "quoted" and it actually makes sense for your story.Thanks. That's what I was going for.Now, the story. So you're basically being asked to some sort of tournament of this Akolhinii. You also aren't forced to participate, I like this, it gives characters more freedom, which is always a good thing. This letter didn't really grab me, but maybe that's because I had no idea what Akolhinii was my first time reading through.Yeah, I want the Tournament to be the focus of the RPG, but it can't be the only thing going on. There needs to be time for people to join and teams to form, and there needs to be stuff for people (who don't join until after the tournament starts) to do. So yeah, can't force people into the tournament, and freedom is always good in an RPG.The map is lovely. Though now that we're allowed to talk about gambling on BZP, the Stelt section of the epic I'm writing just about tripled in the number of ways I can write it. The areas aren't detailed as much as I like (I take every little detail and emphasize on it, which is often criticized in my writing of these things, so I guess that's probably a good thing) but they give me the general idea, and my minds eye sees the locations.The map is nicely done while still being basic enough and simple to read. The locations are described by their functions, not how they actually look. What does Certamine Urbem look like? Is it high tech? Does it look like Metru Nui but compacted and built more vertically? The descriptions satisfied me the first time through, but for this review I would like at least a little more detail in the locations.I knew I was missing something here! How could I have forgotten to describe the locations!? I guess maybe it's because I built this one up differently than my other ones. Whereas my others were built up around the locations themselves, I built this one up around the idea of the tournament. Thanks so much for pointing this out, I'll get some more detailed descriptions in there pronto. Akolhinii? So, took two sports and fused the names. Lets see how close it is to the other two.A lot of detail for a game. Of course, the game does appear to be the focus of the RPG.Akolhinii; you do very nicely in describing exactly what it is and how it is played. I enjoyed there being several types of staffs for use. The rules fit perfectly in with the flow.Thanks.Now, what is this committee thing? I don't quite understand that. Are you saying players will be able to fill the open slots?Ah, yes, I didn't spend that much time on this section. I understand how it's a bit confusing. I guess that's what happens when you try to layout an RPG as a part of the story itself, rather than in the regular layout.I was sort of trying to merge this with the RPG staff, but I can see it didn't work that well, i'll try to fix it up.Teams are tiny but functional.The profiles are simplified and feel like they fit in with the RPG. Same thing going for the Team Profiles. Although for those, do the teams get to choose a color (or colors) and a symbol for their team? You know, adding some customization.That's a good Idea!Have rules and a character sheet, everything required. All in all, it's pretty good. Would I vote for it? Probably not, just because I wouldn't personally much want to play a game within a game or a game about a game (Still will never understand Madden.) Would I play if it won? I guess it depends on time. How would I rate it? It's pretty good.Overall, this RPG flows well and appears well thought out. It's a tournament, and what can I say, I love tournaments! Although this one does not have you fighting more so as it has you competing. I'm not sure how I feel about how people might try to play the sport. But what do I know? Just because it's something I have not experienced before does not mean I should disapprove. And what I'm saying there is that to me personally, I don't find the main pull of this RPG (Akolhinii) to be appealing enough for me to vote for it.Yeah, I wasn't sure how the idea of a tournament, especially a tournament for a made up game, would be accepted.That basically concludes my review. I won't be giving star ratings until more RPGs are up (1 Star - 9 Stars, because nothing is 10 Star).Otherwise, this is a great RPG, good luck in the contest!Thanks for the reviews! I'll try to get some of my own up soon.

[Oblitus]

Arena of Honor- Toa Kovolta:Banner: Hmmm.. better than mine... . I like the sport Akolihni, very challenging(Well, atleast to my low standards.) The map describing the locations is what attracts my attention the most. The slums remind me of the Lower Levels of Taris, so that I can relate too. Overall, I think it is a very good contender(Better than mine ).

Alright, now...Toa Levacius Zehvor presents....A Review of "DARK MIRROR" by RakataHuh. I think I've seen this one before. Was it another contest or in the Planning Topic? Bah, never mind, it'll be better now than it was then, so even I remembered where it wouldn't matter. Things just get better.Okay, reading the first part. Sea gates closing. Three factions with power, sort of like Dark Mirror in a way.You really don't need to give the names of each defense force. Just put something like "each Metru has it's own private defense force; i.e. Ta-Metru Defense Force, Coliseum Defense Force". That shortens it a bit. Not that I'm one to talk about shortening.Small error - Rahkshi shells are made out of Kraata placed in energized protodermis, they can't be manufactured.Chute Dragons? What?Anyways, the districts are described as needed to identify changes. You don't exactly have to over detail Metru-Nui.Typo - You say Lesovikk made four toa stones, but only say three of the matoran. On purpose?The factions look alright, with each having their own specialization.No Mask of Emulation? Bah, one of the weakest mask powers there is.Your character sheet is good, and another RPG with a weakness section. Is it balanced to create someone who is weak to everything and has every power there is?Anyways, the RPG is pretty good. Would I vote for it? Remains to be seen with the other RPGs. Would I play it if it won? Probably. How would I rate it? It's decent, not quite as good as the previous one from a writing standpoint, but I like the scenario more (that is a matter of personal taste).-Toa Levacius Zehvor

Thanks for the critique, I just really rushed to get it in so I didn't have to worry about it in the future. And by the way, Chute Dragons are real. Ever read Rahi Beasts?I'll do yours when I feel like reading the two post RPG .EDIT: My brain is too fried to remember that it was a Phase Dragons. Maybe losing that book to the abyss under my old bed was not a good idea. Edited December 4, 2011 by Rakata

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Thanks for the critique, I just really rushed to get it in so I didn't have to worry about it in the future. And by the way, Chute Dragons are real. Ever read Rahi Beasts?

Dude, you don't even want to know how many times I've read that book, or how many places I've read it. I can tell you with certainty Chute Dragons aren't real - there are Phase Dragons and Kanohi Dragons, there are Chute Lurkers and Silver Chute Spiders, but there is no Chute Dragon.All right, I've made up my rating system - a 25 point system.1 Star : 0 or Less Points2 Star : 1 to 4 Points3 Star : 5 to 7 Points4 Star : 8 to 10 Points5 Star : 11 to 13 Points6 Star : 14 to 16 Points7 Star : 17 to 19 Points8 Star : 20 to 22 Points9 Star : 23 to 24 Points10 Star : 25 Points

ORIGINALITY & INTEREST (To me) (Up 10 Points)Is the idea new or exciting? Is it interesting, something that makes you say, "Yeah, I would play that!"BIONICLE FEELING (Up 5 Points)Does it feel like a Bionicle RPG, or just another RPG? Kanohi, elemental powers, are those all present? Matoran and toa, or some bizzare new species? Or something totally different (ex. in Magnum Opus, rather than playing a typical Bionicle race, you played the Great Beings - something that was extremely original, a rating of 9, and still felt like it was Bionicle)ATTENTION TO DETAIL (Up 10 Points)Do you contradict yourself on history and such a lot? Do you detail your locations? Are factions (if present) described or not? Do things make sense? These are all important!RESTRICTIVENESS (Subtracts 0-5 Points)Depending on how restricting your RPG is, you may lose points.

My rating for Arena of Honor - (8 Stars)8 Points for Originality (While the idea of a tournament was not new, you created your own sport based off of the preexisting ones and made your own set up for it and guidelines, which I appreciate. As such, you did extremely well here.)5 Points for Bionicle Feeling (It has all of the traits of Bionicle, and allows you to be Bionicle races and no non-Bionicleness)8 Points for Attention to Detail (Your locations aren't detailed completely, but they are presented and I have a good idea about how they look. You don't contradict yourself.)Final Note: My only complaint is that it seems to have no plot other than that tournaments.My rating for Dark Mirror - (7 Stars)6 Points for Originality (Another RPG set in Metru-Nui. There are a lot of these. As such, originality is getting a bit cut. The idea, and the fact you take it from a canon basis, is a good one though.)5 Points for Bionicle feeling (It feels like a Bionicle RPG, which I like.)8 Points for Attention to Detail (The only reason you get 8 here is because you are in Metru-Nui, and don't need to detail each district - those points were docked off of Originality instead. You don't contradict yourself and it flows well.)Getting 10 Stars is impossible, 9 Stars extremely impressive, 8 stars is really good, 7 stars is good, 6 is an average RPG. From there is starts getting to below-average and so on.So I will be using that from now on.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Okay, hopefully I can make two posts in a row - I want to review the RPGs, but nobody can see them if they're edited in.Seriously though, what's up with nobody reviewing anything?Toa Levacius Zehvor Presents…Review of Enemies of Justice (6 Stars)I just saw this in the planning topic, but let us see how you have modified it since its conception.7 Points for Originality – Once more, an RPG set in Metru-Nui. However, you thought up something a little bit different to do with it, which is good. You could have 8 points if you had your own locations, or perhaps a massive change.5 Points for Bionicle Feeling – It may be different, but at least it still feels like a Bionicle RPG.5 Points for Attention to Detail – You describe any changes to locations, and everything seems all fine and dandy. Still, questions remain – 8000 years still seems too short to forget something as big as Mata-Nui. Also, you are missing a Character Sheet and rules, so your RPG is incomplete. Thus, major loss here.Subtract 1 Point for Restrictiveness – Why can’t we be on Makutas side? You give us no option for that, only to be in MND or neutral. What if we want to be some kind of toa hunter?Final Notes: All problems I have are addressed.Review of Techna (7 Stars)Ah, yes, another one from the Review Topic! Oh, and it looks like we have our first Sci-Fi based RPG of the contest.8 Points for Originality – I can’t prove nobodies made a space ship out of Mata-Nui in their RPG yet, but it seems like a relatively newer idea. I know Darkspace turned him into a battery, and I’ve seen the whole reverse engineer thing, but that’s all.4 Points for Bionicle Feeling – You give us Kanohi and elemental powers, but the whole mysticism of Bionicle and the feeling as such are gone, replaced by cold, hard scientific implants. It just seems like another Sci-Fi story. Shame really, since they all do – heck, I tried, but it’s hard to make a truly Bionicle Sci-Fi.8 Points for Attention to Detail – You have the rules and everything presented and your locations are well detailed. Could put a bit more detail into it, but not much more. Questions that I will ask below leave the score of 8.Subtract 1 Point for Restrictiveness – How come we need the implant? Can we have been on the first group to leave on the Techna-Nui, or do we have to have been rebuilt into the ship later? In my perfect scenario I would play as Levacius, one of the oldest beings in the Matoran Universe, who is now weaker in his old age, but continues to assist the engineers and scientists as he is one of the best. He refuses to receive implants, especially after the virus, and is allowed only because of how good he is at his work. As far as I can see, about two or three things there aren’t allowed, so I say meh.Final Notes: I’ve addressed all my problems.Review of Shadow of the Barraki (4 Stars)Okay, the name sound interesting, lets see…Opening Note: First off, that’s not how a BZPRPG works. You don’t (typically) play a canon character and just play a game, then when the endboss is down, unlock new characters. Second, the whole son thing is pretty bizarre.6 Points for Originality – Sure, your setting is original, and your attempt at this is new, but it lacks anything truly new about it.2 Points for Bionicle Feeling – This loses most of its points not because it lacks a feel of Bionicle, but because it lacks the feeling of a BZPRPG. Likewise, you can’t use elemental powers of any sort, your kanohi is just a bonus… all in all, it doesn’t really feel like another RPG on here.6 Points for Attention to Detail – There’s no detail being given attention to that actually is beneficial. Just a description of some video game.Subtract 5 Points for Restrictiveness – The only choice we have is the character – which we can’t influence at all, and isn’t our own until later – and on how we do things to an extent. You are controlling all of the monsters, the map, everything. This isn’t an RPG in any meaning of the word!Final Note: Look, dude, this is a Role-Playing Game contest, not a First Person Shooter contest. This is the exact opposite of War Zone – instead of being nothing but a sandbox with no guidance, which I hated, it’s an arrow telling you what to do. Which I hate. Look, I’m sorry, but this doesn’t belong in an RPG contest.Thank you.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Legolover-361]

Thanks for the review, Levacius.I do see what you mean about Techa being rather cold, hard sci-fi. I do plan for the hackers to also miss the old days, and I do have Mata Nui's Kanohi Ignika being used as the starship's SCPU (something I may have forgotten to add -- I've done that now), but I'll see what else I can do. My idea of running an RPG is to encourage the players to run their own stories using cues in my RPG description; perhaps I should add some more mystical cues to the whole thing?I never did say you're required to use the implant. I've just gone and clarified that.If I can get the time I'll review some RPGs myself.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Once more...Toa Levacius Presents...Review of Bionicle: Mystery Voyage 2001 (6 Stars)Mystery Bionicle Voyage 2001? …okay, this is too obvious to not be on purpose.Opening Notes: These openings are so typical that I’ve used them. I wonder when some movie will start off like this, and then BOOM, the guy goes, “It’s fine.”7 Points for Originality – There have been plenty of similar ideas – spaceship with a city and Bionicles in it. Heck, that’s what Techna is, up above. Can’t prove the abductions or not, but really? Seeing more Sci-Fi RPGs with multiple planets, no matter how unrealistic, is more exciting and new. Maybe I should write one… nah.4 Points for Bionicle Feeling – This just doesn’t feel that Bionicle like.5 Points for Attention to Detail – The locations have little detail as far as appearance, but most of it can be filled in. However, the big hit is we know virtually nothing about both factions and the people of the world.Final Note: You do know you didn’t stop us from being Makuta, right? Also, is this TV’s Zork, or just normal Zork? But I kid - the latter is not a serious question. Just detail things more, please!Edit: Darkon, I'll get yours later. TPTI.... you already know you scored high.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

Edited December 6, 2011 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Awesomeness]

Review of Shadow of the Barraki (4 Stars)Okay, the name sound interesting, lets see…Opening Note: First off, that’s not how a BZPRPG works. You don’t (typically) play a canon character and just play a game, then when the endboss is

Excuse me, but last time I checked, and RPG is a ROLE-PLAYING game. And, unless I'm mistaken, playing a game where you're a character who must reach certain goals which help unlock a final endboss battle counts as a ROLE-PLAYING game.

2 Points for Bionicle Feeling – This loses most of its points not because it lacks a feel of Bionicle, but because it lacks the feeling of a BZPRPG. Likewise, you can’t use elemental powers of any sort, your kanohi is just a bonus… all in all, it doesn’t really feel like another RPG on here.

Hey. When was the last time you saw Jaller Mahri set fire underwater? His sword can flare momentarily, but if you want elemental powers underwater, tough luck. Kongu Mahri using "air currents" really feels stupid to me, and unless you disagree, I'm not changing it. I could make certain characters have elemental abilities, but then I would have people like you griping about how unfair it is that Hewkii can summon stone sculptures.

6 Points for Attention to Detail – There’s no detail being given attention to that actually is beneficial. Just a description of some video game.

I would put in detail, but I wanted to save people some time and have a (semi) easy to read essay. If you'd like, I could PM you a description. My TBRPG is all you really need to know. Details are superficial.

Subtract 5 Points for Restrictiveness – The only choice we have is the character – which we can’t influence at all, and isn’t our own until later – and on how we do things to an extent. You are controlling all of the monsters, the map, everything. This isn’t an RPG in any meaning of the word!

Hey, come on. As I explained in the top, an RPG is a role-playing game. The person playing doesn't have to have control over everything. Look at Super Mario Galaxy 2. They don't have control over the map, the monster,s everything. They don't even have a character choice! But look at how successful that game was!

Final Note: Look, dude, this is a Role-Playing Game contest, not a First Person Shooter contest. This is the exact opposite of War Zone – instead of being nothing but a sandbox with no guidance, which I hated, it’s an arrow telling you what to do. Which I hate. Look, I’m sorry, but this doesn’t belong in an RPG contest.

Unless I'm mistaken, FPS are RPG's. And, a Bionicle FPS would actually be pretty frickin awesome. If you hate having an arrow telling you what to do, that's your problem. Don't blame my game for your problem. If you think it's a common problem most people have, then look at how successful Call of Duty is. Edited December 6, 2011 by Awesomeness

[Wade.]

Awesomeness, you're looking at it the completely wrong way. Levacius has got the right idea.

• [*]Have you even bothered looking at the BZPRPG, its rules, and other RPGs?[*]The fact that we have to choose a character and rather not create on gives it a very limited feel. What if we don't like any of these characters?[*]The game sounds very linear.[*]How are we supposed to unlock characters, final bosses, in a forum RPG?[*]We're pretty much playing by ourselves. Can't have two Jallers running around at the same time.[*]It's not even considered an RPG

All in all, you seem to be trying to create a linear game which would be very hard to play on forums. What's the point in playing an RPG where everything's already laid out for you and you know it? Takes away the meaning if you ask me. If you ask me, the only advice I could give you is to look at the BZPRPG. You'll get what I'm talking about if you do. Not to mention, this isn't a contest for games like COD.On a side note, try to take constructive criticism without responding so rudely. There's a reason for this topic: to help you make your RPG better.

Edited December 6, 2011 by TX Wade 27

[Zarohum]

http://www.bzpower.com/board/index.php?showtopic=2075&st=0&p=78337&&do=findComment&comment=78337This one is really good. Instead of a RPG on another island or another planet, we've got it in another reality, where Teridax killed Mata Nui. Very good idea. The whole thing is great. I'm not sure what else I can say. I just want to play it so bad, and I'm not even much of a RPGer. Great job, Darkon!

[Simulacrum]

Thanks for the seriously positive review. I just designed a RPG that I would want to play.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

I was writing a really long post to explain to Awesomness, but then BZP told me two new replies were up and TX Wade summed it up, minus the shameless advertising of Skyrim and a few comments on how much I hate First Person Shooters, so whatever.Review time! Let's see how you did, Darkon, as Zarohum apparently really likes your RPG. But first, oh great and experience The Power that Is....Toa Levacius Zehvor PRESENTS!A Completely Biased Review of the Island of Pain (9 Stars)Opening Notes: This is a biased review, as I’m playing this RPG and want it to win so my characters can do epic stuff. I'm horrible at being unbiased.8 Points for Originality – It’s not the most original idea out there, but it’s a good one nevertheless and is fun to play.5 Points for Bionicle Feeling – It hasn’t felt like a non-Bionicle thing, so I have no complaints here.10 Points for Attention to Detail – Your locations are described, while not very lengthy, perfectly for how they work out. So far almost every question I’ve asked across its play is answered in the main topic, so I know that’s true. Took forever to find character limit though, but now that I know where it is... much easier.Final Note: Might want to edit – the Wolves of Liberty follow Kairan, Greel, and Nostala. The Griffon II crew has yet to meet them. And he also presents, at about the same time, a...Review of Knives in the Dark (7 Stars)Okay Darkon, let’s see if you’re better at writing than building crossbows. I know I am. Never built a crossbow. I should do that sometime!Opening Notes: … look, I’m sorry Super Darkon fan, but Teridax having won is the same idea found in Enemies of Justice. Sure, it’s a lot different, but it’s not unique in every way.8 Points for Originality – The idea is extremely original, which I like. Good for you my boy, good for you.5 Points for Bionicle Feeling – No loss here, really.5 Points for Attention to Detail – Maybe I’m just butt hurt because I took a couple thousand words to describe the Southern Continent in The Elder Lands, but here is where you can’t slack on locations. I would a lot more detail into trying to describe an entire island. Well, actually, if I wrote this the description page would be about three full posts long, but that aside… Also, you give us 12 very different warlords, but no goals to them – if I was going to serve either the guy who uses elite warriors or the guy who uses masses of warriors, I would want to know that. I would want to know for what purpose they do these things.Final Note: All in all, you did a really good job Darkon.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Awesomeness]

Awesomeness, you're looking at it the completely wrong way. Levacius has got the right idea.

• [*]Have you even bothered looking at the BZPRPG, its rules, and other RPGs?[*]The fact that we have to choose a character and rather not create on gives it a very limited feel. What if we don't like any of these characters?[*]The game sounds very linear.[*]How are we supposed to unlock characters, final bosses, in a forum RPG?[*]We're pretty much playing by ourselves. Can't have two Jallers running around at the same time.[*]It's not even considered an RPG

All in all, you seem to be trying to create a linear game which would be very hard to play on forums. What's the point in playing an RPG where everything's already laid out for you and you know it? Takes away the meaning if you ask me. If you ask me, the only advice I could give you is to look at the BZPRPG. You'll get what I'm talking about if you do. Not to mention, this isn't a contest for games like COD.On a side note, try to take constructive criticism without responding so rudely. There's a reason for this topic: to help you make your RPG better.

Alright, fine. I just had the sudden feeling that SOMEBODY was patronizing me...which I hate.I don't see the problem of playing a linear game on forums. All final bosses are unlocked by yours truly, when he sees that you've completed enough. 5. Exactly. you can't have two jallers.1. Nope.2. If you actually read my TBRPG, you would see that your statement is wrong.3. who cares?6. why?

[Wade.]

You're not getting the point. I'm not going to bother arguing with you, just go have a look at the BZPRPG. If you don't like it because of the way it plays then this contest isn't the place for you.

[Legolover-361]

Awesomeness, I think the big difference between your TBRPG and the norm is that it's more like a video game and less like a collaborative round-robin-esque roleplay. The best TBRPGs (in my opinion, at least) feature a premise off which to base custom characters; your TBRPG would require starting with a canon character, unlocking a Character Creation Portal, etc.Now, if you changed your TBRPG around so it wasn't formatted like a video or computer game, I think it could still work. But you should keep in mind that players will jump for custom storylines in which they have a large amount of freedom: for example, being able to travel from location to location, conversing with other players, destroying or joining enemies, etc. Like other posters before me, I highly suggest reading through the BZPRPG's storyline and rules.I do like your layout, though; 'tis very streamlined and easy to read.

Edited December 6, 2011 by Legolover-361

[Kal the Guardian]

Levacius, I wasn't reviewing any other RPGs because I took the time to read yours. The War of Elementum-Nui 2 - The Shadow WarsHoo boy, you know a RPG is long when it starts with a table of contents instead of a cool looking banner. (That's right, I'm picking on you)Ok, my Preface. I must say that either you or I have changed, because I disliked how long the first Elementum-Nui was, but I found myself loving reading through this RPG. This island definately has a history, and you can feel it throughout the descriptions of it (Along with the actual written history of it XD). Unfotunately, I found some typos, and I don't seem to be able to find them all again.The history. Well, that just about sets up everything perfectly. If you ignore the length and instead focus on the spectacular descriptions, you will find that this allows the creation of definately well thought out and fleshed out story. Along with giving players a better grasp of where they will be playing.Rules. You definately make sure people don't abuse NPCs. I like this. And it's a nice break from the heavy story that was just handed to us. Although when you say all other canon elements are banned, I don't know what you mean by that. Of course someone who knows more about Bionicle than I do probably would. And families. Thank you for that, I hate it when people say Matoran have fathers and mothers.Combat. "All other matters equal". Um... Typo?The Plague. Very nice. There are enough different and unique types that this enemy doesn't feel like some zombie horde.The Map. Uh... I don't mean to put you down, but I can not read that map.The Locations. Oh Bob the Locations. All I can say is that while I dropped out of the first game, the descriptions of these locations cause me to want to play this second RPG.Factions. They all make sense and you describe them better than I could hope to. I know I want to join several of them just because of the certain way you describe them. But for the Earth tribe, at the end it goes "This group prefers to", and then nothing. I believe it got cut off.The plagued stats almost made me back away, but I realized after reading them that they are needed. And making a faction seems well made as well and it's really neat that NPCs will begin to flock to you. The character sheet is well rounded and I like how the biography has to be 50+ words. Now, about the armor, is that added on to the armor Toa (or other beings) naturally have? I'm guessing so, but you made it seem as if no armor means no protection whatsoever, so I wasn't sure.Faction Relations. A nice addition.Rules for co-GMs. This is a cool little addition.Overall, I wish it wasn't so large so that I could review it more in depth. But doesn't really matter. Actually, I find this RPG so well constructed and full of everything that makes Bionicle, Bionicle, that I pledge right now, that if it wins, I will try once again to play on Elementum-Nui. It is easily worth three other RPGs that are up right now, and yet it only takes up two posts. XDGood luck (getting others to read all of it) in the contest!

Edited December 6, 2011 by Kal the Guardian

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Yeah, still some typos in there, thanks for pointing them out. Trying to slowly kill the bugs.The Map actually looks good (in my opinion) on paper, but I have the worlds worst thing for getting it onto the computer, and this weird program my mom put on the only computer in the house that has the right software to use it (since we lost that disk and the Morrowind disk) made it almost impossible to get a nice image out of it. Picasa or something. Apparently it works really well for her Ancestry.com, but not black and white pencil drawings.What I mean by other canon elements are Psionics, Time, Life, etc. Psionics, I hate to say it, is the most overpowered element ever. Of all time. I mean, at least you have a chance against somebody with the Mask of Time because nobody knows how to use it. Seriously, how can a Mask of Healing not be self-used, but that gets let into the canon?It made sense that NPCs would come to a faction as it grew. I mean, if I was the last matoran farmer in some village the Plagued wiped out and I saw 25 uber-powerful dudes building a fortress, I'd instantly be jumping on that opportunity.I'm thinking of writing up a timeline. It won't have all the descriptions, but it will give the dates by year as to when something happened (did the Vortixx come before or after the Skakdi? How long ago was so-and-so built?) Probably just some image on paint with a link given. Not enough space left. :PThank you for the review and the kind comments.EDIT: I just looked. Didn't even finish my RPG before posting it. *Facepalm*-Toa Levacius Zehvor

Edited December 6, 2011 by Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Toa Kovolta]

Arena of Honor- Toa Kovolta:Banner: Hmmm.. better than mine... . I like the sport Akolihni, very challenging(Well, atleast to my low standards.) The map describing the locations is what attracts my attention the most. The slums remind me of the Lower Levels of Taris, so that I can relate too. Overall, I think it is a very good contender(Better than mine ).

Thanks. I'll try to get a review of Dark mirror in soon.

My rating for Arena of Honor - (8 Stars)8 Points for Originality (While the idea of a tournament was not new, you created your own sport based off of the preexisting ones and made your own set up for it and guidelines, which I appreciate. As such, you did extremely well here.)5 Points for Bionicle Feeling (It has all of the traits of Bionicle, and allows you to be Bionicle races and no non-Bionicleness)8 Points for Attention to Detail (Your locations aren't detailed completely, but they are presented and I have a good idea about how they look. You don't contradict yourself.)Final Note: My only complaint is that it seems to have no plot other than that tournaments.

Thanks. About the plot, I was going for more of a sandboxy feel. True the tournament is the reason for the characters being in the city, and a lot of the story will centre around, but there could be so much more going on in the rest of the city, so many stories to explore. For example, the rigging of races and other sports mentioned in Sven's bio.Okay, made some changes to my entry. Added some more description to the locations, changed up the Tournament committee section to make it less confusing, and added some fields to the team form at the suggestion of Kal. I also realized that one team might have an advantage over another depending on the species of their goal-keeper, so I made a little change to the area of play section. Don't want a team to just put a Krekka as their goal-keeper and simply have them hover in front of the goal and cover it up completely.Now then, onto trying to read Elementum Nui 2... Edited December 6, 2011 by Toa Kovolta

[Simulacrum]

Thank ye! I plan to edit the RPG quite a lot before I am happy with it. I have decided to keep the Location descriptions small, that way members can descrbe the exact landscape they inhabit. Consider what you saw a rough draft. Now just to read your RPG... Sorry about double post, but I assume that since Levacius did it, it is okay.Review: Dark Mirror by RakataAh, Dark Mirror. One of my favorite bionicle storylines. The Idea of the good becoming that bad, and the bad defeating the ex-good-but-now-bad is a bit mind-boggiling, but it is still awesome. And then you went and added another twist. Awesomesauce. The Idea of spliting Metru Nui Into three goverments built on different morals and such is original, and the way you used exsitent characters to improve on this was even better.8/10.I'd vote for you.

Edited December 7, 2011 by Lord Darkon

[Kal the Guardian]

Dark MirrorPrelude. Wait, did Takanuva just think, 'Takanuva hovered in space for a long moment. He wondered what...'? I think that "Takanuva hovered in space for a long moment" should be taken out of the quotation marks. Unless, of course, Takanuva refers to himself in the third person. Current Situation. "...only to worry of they would be taken over again" I think that should be changed. "Karzhinni answered tha call..." can be changed as well. "...by sending his matiran slaves to..." as well as that. Ugh, sorry, lots of typos. And I see more, so I will stop pointing them out and just stick with the story.Ok, so Makuta wrecks everything in the alternate universe and beings settle into factions for this power struggle. I must say that this is not enough to entice me to play the RPG. But that isn't the whole RPG, so bear with me.Districts. If Metru-Nui was converted into 3 districts and the Coliseum has its own district... wouldn't that make it four districts?District 1. Ok, I don't see why the Ta-Matoran would even want to go to Ga-Metru, but I'm assuming their "craft" is no longer forging weapons and masks and disks, because I'm sure they do that best and would not need the Ga-Matoran to teach them. And creating Rahkshi shells? What do you mean by Artificial Rahkshi? Are they robots? Are the transformed Kraata somehow given sentience? Where are you getting all the energized protodermis to transform them?District 2. Whoa. Po-Matoran are not good with creating technology. Unless they have all mentally changed, I would say the labs of the Ga-Matoran, or the Knowledge Towers of the Ko-Matoran, or even the Foundries of the Ta-Matoran would be a better place for weapons and technologies to be invented. I'm saying that, as a whole, Po-Matoran aren't normally inventors, which you make them sound like.District 3. Research of prosthetics? Entire, deadly robots exist. Why would they be finally researching prosthetics? Everyone already has prosthetics. LMDF... What is that?Factions. So what were the Districts? Because it seems that all of that information won't apply here. As in, how do the Ta-Matoran go to Ga-Metru when most of it is under Pohatu's Legion's control? I'm guessing the most important labs would be near the central hub, away from Ta-Metru. Aaaand it's all a big rock paper scissors. Makes it fair, I guess, if a bit dull.Profiles. These look good. I like seeing Weakness as a field.Rules. These are a little weak. And only half of them are actually rules. Although I have nothing against the "Have Fun!" rule.Overall, this RPG could be much better. Just keep working at it. This idea has a lot of potential.Good luck in the contest!

Edited December 7, 2011 by Kal the Guardian

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Review of Epoch of Despair (9 Stars)8 Points for Originality – I really like this RPG, and it feels pretty original, especially when compared to others. So far nothing quite good enough to receive a 9, but this is cutting it close.5 Points for Bionicle Feeling – It really feels like a Bionicle setting, which I appreciate.10 Points for Attention to Detail – You don’t bring up questions we aren’t supposed to be asking to ourselves.Final Notes: It looks pretty good. Only being a matoran kind of bugs me, but I understand why – thus, nothing was docked off for being restrictive. You did a lot of those. Anyways, eventually being able to make our own factions, the elemental theme, etc. all intrigues me – which is, of course, why I use such. So yeah, I like it.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Legolover-361]

Oi, I have some serious competition -- and the entry period isn't even halfway over. If I can find time between COTSSC2 and homework, I'll attempt to upgrade Techna as much as possible.

[Kal the Guardian]

Enemies of JusticeOpening quote. Very well done. Not only is it a cool quote, but it immediately tells us a ton of background story. With this one quote you have me hooked.Opening. Very well put. "...has passed within thr universe, it is..." should probably be "the". This is an amazing twist and definately makes sense.Metru-Nui. So the Rahkshi are no longer inherently chaotic? I guess Makuta has more power to keep them subdued now. The discriptions are lacking, but we all know what Metru-Nui looks like, so it doesn't matter. Very interesting that relics of the past remain instead of being utterly destroyed in each area.Gameplay. Ok, seems solid, but can we play as Toa? And how does the MND know that Makuta is paying less attention? Ah, there we go. Toa. I'm happy now.But isn't this all pointless? Wouldn't Mata Nui be dead? I didn't really follow the Bara Magna arc, so I don't know if Makuta would have killed Mata Nui, who I believe was in some prototype robot.No rules or profiles. That is a concern.Overall, this RPG seems really great. The story is strong and very unique in my opinion and everything is easy to grasp right away. Unfortunately, it seems unfinished without rules or a profile sheet.

[Legolover-361]

I've been thinking: Techna needs a unique twist to compete with all the other RPGs in this contest. A ways above this post, Zehvor pointed out that my RPG had lost some of the original Bionicle mystique. What if I inserted an odd "ghost program" that escaped all detection and could assign missions or foretell the future at random? It would provide another mystery for players to solve and knit together the story more neatly.

[Kal the Guardian]

TechnaLove the banner. The quote seems sort of off to me, but I like it regardless. I guess I'm prejudiced to the purple in the background (which makes it look 20% cooler). Nice opening. It is gripping as I try to figure out just what this RPG will contain. Fully robotic Toa, sounds interesting. The Torch bit is well done with that warning at the end. So, I guess I was wrong, mostly fully robotic Toa. XDHistory. Here we go. Everything is explained nicely. Although I wonder if a Matoran would keep his implants if he turned into a Toa. This story is really compelling. Everyone of like mind went to space and eventually the population grew so much that other ideas popped up. Very nice. Although I thought Mata Nui made all new Matoran and other beings, so if he's gone... Yeah I don't know what I'm talking about there. That's just what I've heard and pieced together. Bzpower's reference center is sort of empty.Map*. *Map not added."Also, various food business (as well..." I believe that "business" should be "businesses"Locations. Wonderful descriptions that combine function and looks and still keep things shorter.Character Creation. Whoa, download the personality... So the being on Spherus Magna is still moving around, but their copied personality is now roaming around a spaceship? Cool. It's almost like being a twin!Profile sheet. Are they really implants if we are all already full robots? Otherwise these profiles look good.Characters. Time perception... What is that? And if Torch still has some organs, are they stretched out to make him a Toa, or is just his brain and spine crossed over? And can all these robo-Toa and Matoran feel pain?Enaltai seems very interesting. So if we all are full robots, as you implied in the character sheet, can we have mental powers to use on, say, Torch, who still has a biological brain? Or would we have no mental powers because we have no brain?Ah, very interesting new powers that fit in perfectly with the RPG. And there we go, Time Perception is cool.Now you say brain implant again. So do the bodies the personalities are downloaded into have brains of their own? And the soul of the being uploaded is placed inside of the manufactured brain?Gameplay and Rules. You say "and OOC after every out-of-character post" and then go and have OOC written before the out-of-character post. It's nice to see you require us to tell where we are. Although that's because I do it anyway. It might be annoying to those who don't.The rules are well explained and fun to read, actually. I really liked them. XDOverall. I see why everyone likes this. This is a great story and everything else is presented beautifully. As for what you asked, I don't think that would make it more like Bionicle, but it would be very cool nonetheless. I don't see how you could make this more like Bionicle unless normal Toa started to appear around the city, opposing the continued flight to colonize. Or maybe if the Hackers found a way to reverse engineer the implants and became normal again, even if they were fully robotic to begin with.That, actually, is a cool idea (I say of my own idea). What if the hackers start making fully biological weapons? Almost like the Yuuzhan Vong in the Star Wars books.

[Toa Kovolta]

Review of "Elementum-Nui II - The Shadow Wars" by LevaciousFirst off, having not read or played the first one, this is all new to me. The following are my first impressions.History:That's a lot of history for an RPG. It's also a little confusing for someone who is reading it for the first time.I know you like your details, but is it really all necessary for what is actually covered in the game? Do we really need to know that there was some hero that died long ago? Will it really impact how we play the RPG I'm all for detailed descriptions and histories of made up worlds to accompany novels and such. However it just seems a bit much for an RPG description. In my mind all we really need to know is maybe the last era and important parts of parts of the other ones, like the power sources and other things that are important in current day.I appreciate how much effort you must have put into laying it all out, but I think it would work better maybe as a "for your general interest" sort of thing.Also, at the very end, "anybodies" should be "anybody's".Rules:All pretty regulatory. However, I think a lot of the stuff after the numbered rules need not be included, as most of it can be grouped under what is called using common sense. I know a lot of people don't know how to use common sense properly in an rp, but lets face it, any rp is going to have those problems anyway.Also the rules on characters would probably fare better to be put with the character sheet and stuff.Plague:The second quote is missing a quotation mark.Looks good! I really like the various classes of plagued beings you made. I also got a chuckle out of the oxymoron in the Babbler's description: "they retain intelligence, but are completely insane".World:That's a lot of locations, but I guess it is a large island. Descriptions look good. Definitely provides a lot of interesting places to rp.Map looks alright, easy enough to read. Though it would be nice to have some references for the tunnel map, and what do all the numbers mean?Allegiences:Second paragraph of Lunctus Castrum: "within his palace in the cities center" should be "city's". And on the second last line "Skakdi" appears twice.Who are these wanderers you are referring to in the Templum Tutera section?They all look good. Lots of variety, I like that.Character Sheet:Character sheet is pretty regulatory, though i think that's the first time I've seen a word minimum on the bio (not saying it's bad, just interesting).Equipment looks great. There's some very interesting stuff in there.All in all, looks like a very good story that would be fun to play as an rpg. It's just a lot to read for an rpg description.Good luck in the contest!

Edited December 9, 2011 by Toa Kovolta

[Padishah Mehmet II]

Awesomeness, I would like to respond to both your entry and your comments here. I'll sum it up quickly, in a very brief manner.a) FPSes are NOT RPGs, plain and simple. By definition, FPS =/= RPG, except for a few successful examples of fusing the genres, like Mass Effect. And they're far from being TBRPGs.b ) Excuse me bro, but this is not how this forum works. This forum is not meant for computer games. And what you're entering is a computer game, pure and simple. It cannot, physically cannot, be a TBRPG. TBRPGs are about storytelling, not gameplay, in fact, gameplay is literally nonexistent. In a TBRPG, you tell the story of your character. You do not type, "Left arrow-right click-right arrow-middle click" and hope to perform a combo. You type, "Astanon lunged forward with his sword unsheathed, using his Hau to protect himself from the enemy's barrage of arrows."c) Your gameplay mechanisms are completely incompatible with a forum. Example would be the custom character creation process. Are we supposed to go ahead and say, "I click the button with the right-pointed arrow" and hope that it turns to the mask/armor piece/whatever that we want?d) If you want to make a computer game, I'll see you down at the Fan Created Games forum. Maybe even give you a few hints on how to get started.-Dovydas

Edited December 8, 2011 by Dovydas the Nerevarine

[Kal the Guardian]

Shadow of the BarrakiFirst off, I will conduct this review as if I had not already seen the reviews of everyone else about this RPG.Introduction. Setting. Mahri Nui... That's it? You at least need to point out the general landmarks. Backstory. Son? This is Bionicle, there are no sons unless you count Rahkshi. When does this take place? Because if this is before they find the mask of LIfe, then they wouldn't take the time to go to Mahri Nui when they already had an important quest. If this is after Matoro sacrificed himself, then he would no longer exist and neither would Mahri Nui. If it is some time in between then all the Toa Inika would be down there. So is this some type of alternate universe?Characters and Creatures. The characters involved? So we don't get to create our own? Right there I can say that no one will like that. Creating your own character is the basis for TBRPGs. And then you force us to fight aquatic beasts? Not letting the players do their own thing is one way not to win an RPG contest here. This seems more like a video game than anything, and the players here do not want that.Story. Setting? Once again Mahri Nui with no descriptions. Basic play. That's all we get to do? We all have to choose from the three pre-made characters at the beginning of the game? This sounds like it's a script for a fan-made game. You should take this there.Player control. You force us to accomplish goals to "complete" the game? You should read one of the RPGs in this forum to see what is normal here. This RPG is way too restrictive.Quest. Of course this isn't a MMORPG. This is a Text Based Role Playing Game. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but you, sir, do not have a TBRPG here.Requirements. Made-up characters. So we do have customizable characters. Halfway into the game? And even then we can't create our own custom abilities or powers?Character profiles. Just see above.Rules. These aren't rules. And leveling up? That has failed so many times in TBRPGs. No one likes it. You should definately take this over to Fan-Based Games.Overall, this will fail if not changed majorly. You have a bunch of other great RPGs to take example of in the RPG submission topic, use their example.Although I don't see how it can win like it currently is, I still wish you luck in the RPG contest.

[Legolover-361]

Character Creation. Whoa, download the personality... So the being on Spherus Magna is still moving around, but their copied personality is now roaming around a spaceship? Cool. It's almost like being a twin!

I see what you mean, but I envisioned that since Matoran and Toa already possess mechanical brains, their programming would be fully transferred from one body to the other on the Techna Nui.

Profile sheet. Are they really implants if we are all already full robots? Otherwise these profiles look good.Characters. Time perception... What is that? And if Torch still has some organs, are they stretched out to make him a Toa, or is just his brain and spine crossed over? And can all these robo-Toa and Matoran feel pain?Enaltai seems very interesting. So if we all are full robots, as you implied in the character sheet, can we have mental powers to use on, say, Torch, who still has a biological brain? Or would we have no mental powers because we have no brain?

1. We aren't all full robots. The full robots are the S-toran and S-Toa (short for "synthetic Matoran" and "synthetic Toa"); everyone else retains a degree of biological components.2. All the S-Toa, S-toran, etc. can feel pain, yes. Remember, they have the same programming as their biomechanical counterparts, and touch sensors are a must on any sentient robot, so pain is definitely still in effect.3. As I said in reply to the first quote, Bionicle characters' brains are already mechanical; if anything, mental powers would be more effective, for while an organic brain isn't guaranteed to work the same as another, the mechanical brains ought to be very compatible.

Now you say brain implant again. So do the bodies the personalities are downloaded into have brains of their own? And the soul of the being uploaded is placed inside of the manufactured brain?

The soul, the programming, whatever it would be called for a robot is transferred into the central intelligence processor of the new body -- so, yes, that's correct.

Overall. I see why everyone likes this. This is a great story and everything else is presented beautifully. As for what you asked, I don't think that would make it more like Bionicle, but it would be very cool nonetheless. I don't see how you could make this more like Bionicle unless normal Toa started to appear around the city, opposing the continued flight to colonize. Or maybe if the Hackers found a way to reverse engineer the implants and became normal again, even if they were fully robotic to begin with.That, actually, is a cool idea (I say of my own idea). What if the hackers start making fully biological weapons? Almost like the Yuuzhan Vong in the Star Wars books.

As I say in the rules, the RPG staff and I will greatly encourage people running story-arcs. I ought to clarify that developing new technologies is allowed (as long as you can explain in a laws-of-physics-accurate way how it works, of course), so yeah, organic weapons are definitely not out of the question.I'm glad you liked the RPG. I will start working on adding the ghost program dimension of the story to Techna soon and correcting the parts of Techna that caused any confusion; hopefully I'll also be able to recruit more staff.

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

3. As I said in reply to the first quote, Bionicle characters' brains are already mechanical; if anything, mental powers would be more effective, for while an organic brain isn't guaranteed to work the same as another, the mechanical brains ought to be very compatible.

I've never agreed with this - to me, the brain, heart, lungs, muscle tissue, whatever form of digestive track that exists, and the blood vessels that must be present (oxygen and nutrients need to somehow be transferred) are 100% organic, not mechanical. Like the bionic man, only with almost no organics. At the very least, the brain is completely biological, not robotic. Spirits are certainly present and released by the Iden; there is a metaphysical element involved.When I get hme from school I'll review Dreamland.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

Bionicle: Mystery Voyage 2001Introduction. It gives an interesting view into what universe we're about to delve into, but overall, it just seemed too cheesy to me. Asha's message is better, though. It's very interesting that they have no idea how they got there.Locations. The locations are ok, with the major discription at the end, but does the city look the same wherever you are, or does the Omega District gleam while the Beta District is broken down?Casinos. Uh, despite me not liking Casinos, I still wonder why you don't describe them more. We just know they exist, not what they're like or what game is their pull.Citizens. I'm sure they're more opinions out among the populace, but the Dronies seem very interesting.Profiles. These are solid. Like I stated in an earlier review, a Weakness spot is good, even though I wish people would play fair enough so that it wasn't needed.Rules. "4. Do not do any major I allowed things..." What are you saying there? Otherwise, while the rules could have more, yours are a good set nevertheless.Rules about Beings. All elements are allowed? Time and Life are elements. And while they would kill a being who wielded them, this doesn't stop them from appearing in RPGs. Just a heads up.Adventure Rules. So story missions are optional, correct? I would assume so, but I wasn't sure when I read this. "Weapons and upgrades can be gotten from missions doing, as can pay." Umm... I'm not quite sure how you worded that, but that should definately be made more clear.And a cheesy quote at the end. So we don't get an example profile?Overall. So this RPG seems solid, but not quite detailed enough. It just doesn't seem to get me excited to play it.Good luck in the contest!

[Evex_Wolfwing]

I don't know If I will try to RP this time. My luck when it comes to being able to stay in has been pretty bad. But that does not mean I can't review what I like.As always, Text is Dark Slate Grey.

Dreamland

I've fallen asleep. I keep drifting deeper and deeper inside of my head. All these years, and yet I do not wake. Nor do I feel the slightest tug of reality. I just continue deeper into unconsciousness.Lately, my dreams have been filled with the visions of friends long forgotten, and enemies forcefully forgotten. For some reason, I feel as if I just finished settling at the deepest reaches of a trance put upon me a lifetime ago. Finally, I feel that I can begin the long journey to recovering.But although things now feel more like I believe life used to be, I no longer trust what I know to be my dream version of friends. They feel almost too real. And the sting of the enemy's weapons grows increasingly painful. Yet still, I do not wake.So, all my friends with me, I dream.

Ooh, Dinosaur Banner. Heh, mysterious and foreboding, I like that.

Overview

Lost to time, the inhabitants of a southern island sleep. They have been that way for as long as anyone passing through can remember. No one knows why they sleep or why they won't wake. And the Makuta of the island has long gone missing. Also, no longer does anyone remember the real name of the island or the name of its long forgotten protector.For centuries the island laid alone, due to its harshly tropical climate, its ferocious breed of Rahi, and its one inaccessible bay. Only those with the ability of flight, teleportation, or the clever use of their powers have visited, and found nothing changed from the stories they had heard. And the strange howls of the night beasts now haunt the daylight, discouraging all intruders and would be thieves.Even the other Makuta left the island alone for a time, having more important things to worry about than some island stuck in slumber. Finally, after a large amount of continued myths of various hidden objects of worth that lead to threats to strip the island bare, they placed a teleportation scrambler system up around the island and left it at that. And so the island has stayed that way, secluded from the outside world, for longer than anyone cares to remember.Of course, not all are satisfied with the apathy surrounding the island. There are those who ask questions and want to find answers, no matter the consequence, because they believe it to be the right thing to do. Despite individual persuasions, they all want the same thing: Answers.Answers to questions like: Why do the Rahi of the island not devour or destroy the Matoran and the small villages they sleep in? What are the Rahi on that island, anyway? Why do the Matoran still sleep? Can they be woken up? Why has no one done anything yet? Where is their Makuta? Why did the Brotherhood really put up the teleportation scrambler and dismiss the island? And what caused all this in the first place?So, this unnamed group gathered members from far and near and grew as more questions were asked and answers demanded. They came to be known as the Insomniac Group, perhaps referring to their tireless researching of the island, which they had titled: Dreamland. They attained the help of various Scientists and Researchers and Developers and anyone else that they thought could help them in their quest to get on and explore the island and find its answers despite previous botched attempts.And, with the many new additional members, the mandatory background checks became increasingly rare, due to continued sloth, until it seemed that just about anyone could join the quest for any reason. And when the day finally came where everything was prepared for the treacherous terrain of the bay and island, they gathered their things, loaded up their boats, and headed for Dreamland.The docking was indeed treacherous. The measly remains of what was once a wooden pier that shuddered in a newly formed storm was all there was to signal the only slightly less dangerous opening up onto the island in the cliffs that surround the bay. One ship had to stay out at sea to avoid being smashed against the cliffs due to the fierce storm while the others carefully docked and unloaded with the help of the few water elemental controllers.The rest of the next three days was spent unloading and moving equipment, and searching for a suitable spot to set up the first camp. On the rise of the sun on the fourth cloudy day, all the boats, excluding the one still out at sea because of the stubbornly continuing storm, were on the bottom of the bay and all those guarding the boats were found slain. Actually, the only way to figure out that they were slain was the torn and shredded armor left behind.That was when things began to unravel.Almost as if Rahkshi were assaulting them, the Insomniac Group slowly began to fracture due to increased amounts of fear and anger among their respective members. It didn't help that the island Rahi, which the group simply began calling, "Rhaks", were nowhere to be seen, and yet still heard. The cries of the Rhaks pierced the night and invaded random times of the day, putting everyone on edge as they moved about the island and managed to set up three different camps where they found clear ground.The day the first Rhak showed itself was the day when the Insomniac Group truly split and fled to different camps for their own various, irrational reasons.It has been three weeks since the first and so far only one Rhak has been seen as it rampaged through the three camps, strangely only wrecking equipment and attacking those that got in its way, and the three groups have since done what they could to set up their equipment from the camps into various bases as best they could. Perhaps because of the island and its pressures, or perhaps because of some unknown power, the three smaller groups are now fiercely protective of their bases from the other groups. Not only are they now irrationally hostile towards each other, but they all have different objectives they wish to achieve. And it doesn't help when one group has equipment the other group needs.Strangely, the groups seem completely normal when conversing with each other, but will erupt in anger when another being from an opposing camp is spotted. Another factor might be that the trees and shrubbery seemed to part for the Rhak, when it seems to hinder everyone else. There are many things to be asked about the island, even while apart from the other groups.But all live in fear of the Rhaks and what running into one would mean.Three weeks passed, with the storm over the island keeping up its ferocity. All the groups spent their time patching up what they could and protecting what they couldn't from the other groups. With the pounding rain leaking through the intensely thick canopy, not much progress was made in exploring or getting off the island.And then the almost unnatural storm cleared momentarily, and the fifth ship docked and unloaded, only to find barely controlled chaos.The storm then came back in with all its ferocity.Dun dun duuun... Creepy. I have always wanted a RP set in a jungle, and the rain makes it even better for me.

Summary

All Matoran on a southern island, nick-named Dreamland, have been asleep for as long as anyone can remember. Their Makuta is missing, and this is in the time when the Makuta still did their jobs. The Brotherhood reviewed the island and, due to multiple myths that led to attempts to "mine" the island of all its assets, set up a teleportation scrambler around it. Seeing that it was illogical to try to get onto the island by any other means, the Brotherhood then left it at that and cast the island from their memory.This led to beings on surrounding islands to question what was really going on. After many years and a few failed research attempts, a group amassed members, set on going to and researching what had happened on the island. Coming to be named the Insomniac Group, they gathered all the experts that they could to build them what they would need to get onto and survive on the island. After a few years of preparation, they finally felt they were ready, and the group cast off with five ships to the island.In the treacherous, cliff walled bay of Dreamland, one boat was forced to stay at sea because of a storm that appeared, while the four others successfully unloaded after much work. The fourth day on the island, the Insomniac Group found the boats already unloaded were destroyed, sunk to the bottom of the bay, and all that was left of those set up to guard the boats were a few badly shredded pieces of armor. Meanwhile, the almost unnatural storm continued to stop the fifth boat from docking.Now stuck on the island, at least momentarily, the group painstakingly set up three different camps, each with a different purpose. Then, the first native Rahi of the island, which they quickly named a "Rhak" due to its reptilian appearance and slight resemblance to a Rahkshi, showed up and went on a rampage, destroying equipment and all who got in its way.After this, the camps were turned as best the groups could into bases, and the three different groups became suddenly hostile towards one another, while still trying to accomplish their self defined individual tasks. A rather irrational behavior in that they are only hostile toward members of the other bases. Something seems to be affecting them.And then there's the Rhaks. Even though the groups have only seen one, the almost constant cries remind them that they all have a hidden, common enemy that has still chosen not to attack in full force.Finally, after three weeks spent mostly repairing equipment, a short break in the storm appeared, and the fifth ship managed to dock and unload its contents, also placing you on Dreamland. The storm above once again rages on, drenching everything.Mysteries, and the supernatural. I really like what you have going here.

Gameplay

You're ship has finally docked. You are on Dreamland. The Insomniac Group that you belong to has strangely divided into three separate sections, each with its own motives (Described later). You may be strong individuals compared to the NPCs, but you too are pulled on by uncontrollable feelings of anger and fear that seem to radiate through the air. While you probably will break beyond this simple emotional barrier holding the NPCs in place, remember that once or if you choose a certain group, you are no longer welcomed by any other group if your loyalties become public knowledge.Your options are simple:You can try to leave the accursed island;You can try to discover the secrets of the island and then make an action based upon that new knowledge;Or you can die.The second option is the preferred one. After all, why else play the RPG? But remember, you must have fun. Or else."Or you can die."lol

Dreamland

A mid-sized island with dense tropical foliage and cliffs surrounding the whole island, this is where you'll be playing the game. The terrain is treacherous and everything slopes upwards towards the apparently dormant volcano. The canopy is almost impenetrable from above or below except in certain places. And the storm above now seems not to be able to be stopped.While you do have a map of the island, nothing has been named, or explored yet. New information on the island will come as the players or NPCs explore. Meanwhile, the known locations:Only Bay Passage-This is the only passageway to the Bay. It has been widened by the Insomniac Group, but is still steep and somewhat treacherous, definitely so in the rain. Water runs down the middle of it as the rain continues to poor. Footing is hard to find, even more so after all of your equipment was taken up it. What is left of a dock appears to be the hastily built remains of others that might have come before you.The cliffs are the most gentle here. Trees from the top of these cliffs branch out far over the bay and lower down many vines that are thicker than most rope. The area around the path seems to be almost cut out on purpose due to how it cuts into the cliffs and provides a way up onto the island, but so much dirt and roots now cover it that no one is able to see if it was actually cut out of the rock of the cliffs.Camp Site A-The first camp to be up and the first camp to become more of a base, this camp is situated in a widened clearing with an open sky. One of the few spots like it on the island. It has ten trailers all with different purposes: One kitchen, two power generators, one equipment repair shop, one armor and weapons shop, one empty trailer for gathering samples, and four large housing trailers.The ground in this area is all ferns and small shrubs. Even after being cut away for the camp, they seem to be re-growing at a frightening rate. The opening above is perfectly circular and seems to attract the darkest storm clouds that are always threatening with lightning.Aggresive plants are aggresive, and to my liking. I just wonder if just four trailers will be enough.Camp Site B-After crossing four rivers in the delta, B was set up in a small clearing on already trampled ferns. The trees are thick and the sky cannot be seen, making the area full of deep shadows from what light makes it through the canopy. It has ten buildings all with different purposes. Instead of an armor and weapons shop, they have a trailer full of scientific data gatherers and other devices.The area appears to have some trees that appear to be oldest so far found on the island. They are heavily knotted and their large gnarled branches intertwine with the younger trees around them. Large roots stick out of the ground everywhere. In some places these roots are high enough to walk under.Camp Site C-With a trek straight to the mountain not possible due to terrain and the large equipment trailers that barely made it along the path from camp B, C was set up next to the River, almost on the muddy banks. The canopy is wound shut, and almost no light gets through. It has fourteen buildings all with different purposes. The four extra trailers are secure cages for any indigenous species of Rahi.The trees here appear to be the healthiest so far with tall trunks and branches only high up. Many vines can be seen climbing up the trees, only to spread out onto the branches and hang back down to the earth. The camp is set among the trees, due to there being no clearing whatsoever, and along with the constant state of night provided by the canopy, visibility is low, even with lanterns set up that cast dark shadows everywhere. Water trickles down from above, but the rain is mostly blocked, unlike the other camps.Pathways-The larger pathways have been painstaking hewn from the surrounding foliage on top of what were once smaller pathways. And considering how the trees seemed to resist the blades of the vehicles/labs, new large paths are not soon to be made, especially in the continued rain and with dulled and damaged equipment. Meanwhile, the smaller pathways are badly overgrown with numerous roots and vines. And considering the thick canopy, it is hard to move around effectively.*Please note that on the map, buildings are over emphasized. And the terrain is thick and the island large, making movement slower and dangerous on foot and in flight when not on the paths.

Of Factions and Motives

The Insomniac Group members on Dreamland have officially split. While there are no official names as of yet, they can be listed by what they hope to accomplish.Researchers-The Researchers wish to continue with their original purpose for coming to the island and find the secrets of the Matoran located sleeping in their villages. The researches set up at Camp B because they knew a Matoran Village was close because of old texts they had found in their research beforehand. Unfortunately, due to their damaged equipment and the pouring rain, they haven't been able to explore much of anything. They can also account for there being a village somewhere around Camp C, but they do not know if there are any other villages.Hunters-The members of the Hunters have taken a fascination with the Rhaks of the island and wish to discover their secrets, or even another of the species, considering only one has been seen. Unfortunately, in the rain and dense foliage, they can't find any tracks or anything else to find the Rahi. They have shrugged off the others to secure their objective and have set up camp as nearest as they could get to the only source of freshwater on the island with Camp C.Forfeiters-The Forfeiters just wish to take what they can from the island and leave it in one piece. Unfortunately, without any boats, they can't leave. They have been busy fixing their equipment and don't have any knowledge to effectively make a boat out of the gnarly trees around them. And even when they find out about the one boat intact, it will not be large enough to hold all of their beloved equipment and the "samples" they wish to acquire from the island.I'm not sure how well this group will work out. I mean, what are they supposed to do? They want to make boats, but none of them seem to know how. Missions-These will be added to the RPG once I set everything up and players have started making affiliations. They will be small side quests that each group needs to accomplish before they can move on to the next task at hand. There might be rewards for accomplishing them, but that is to be determined.

Rules

BZP Rules apply, all of them.No god-modding (e.g. controlling someone else's character, having your character do something impossible). And if someone god-modes against you, don't do it back, tell the Staff.This is a Text-Based RPG, so to join in you post what is basically a miniature story for what is currently happening to your character.Please, try to use good grammar. It helps everyone out.Use IC for In-Character and OOC for Out-Of-Character.For example:

IC: The Toa glanced at his friend as he scanned the perimeter, looking for enemies.OOC: Hey Lewa34Dude, want to join us?

Don't extensively control other people's characters without their permission (Bunnying).Don't injure another character without permission.Comedy is accepted, but keep it realistic and to a minimum. No random pie flinging contests.Don't glory hog or continuously degrade someone else's character.All characters are incapable of performing Nova Blasts.All major discoveries or story twists must go through me first.The Jungle is VERY thick and movement is hard. Please keep this in mind. Traveling will NOT be easy and will take several posts to go down the paths even. And as of this moment, you will find that you can’t break out above the canopy for some reason, please keep this in mind as well. I know this is restrictive, but hopefully players will open up the island quickly as they begin to explore. I just really don’t want players to be zipping around the island like I normally see in RPGs. Although if you do move too fast, prepared to be stricken out at by the Rahi of the island. This is mostly due to things that need to be found out before other things. Let me know if you can't stand this, because I will try to re-work it if it absolutely must change.And most important of all, HAVE FUN! And pick fights with random people, everyone loves a good fight.Rules are rules are rules.

Game Master

I am the Game Master of this RPG. And as such, I control the story and NPCs. I make sure fights stay fair. I approve profiles. I assign Co-GMs and the like. And I deal out punishment and hand out rewards.Punishments will be given after the rules are broken, like any good GM would do.-First, I will tell you in a PM or in the discussion topic what you did wrong and ask you to stop.-Secondly, if you continue to/or break a different rule, I will injure your character.-Third strike, and you have one of your characters killed.-Final Punishment is being banned from the RPG for as long as needed to fix behavior issues of any kind. A week at the least.Now for the good part: Rewards.Rewards will be handed out to players that are especially helpful in one way or another. These rewards include but are not limited to: More characters; a new power; a new mask; an upgraded weapon; misc.; etc.Hopefully there will be no punishments, but plenty of rewards.

Profiles

Finally, the part where you join in. Please fill out these forms in triplicate… (Three Characters Max)Name: (No official canon names like Tahu. It must be a Bionicle-ish name, not Bob or Toaofmuffins05)Species: (You know the drill. Custom is allowed if described in detail and I approve. No Makuta)Gender: (Male, Female, It, Non)Appearance: (A detailed description of your character or a linked picture)Weapons: (These were forged to channel one's power, kill, or destroy)Mask: (Custom is allowed. No Kraahkan, Avohkii, Vahi, Ignika, Mohtrek, or Tryna)Power: (Time and Life and any other unreasonable power is not allowed)Secondary Abilities: (Agility, a Strong Mind, Quick Thinking, Finesse with a Particular Tool/Weapon, etc…)Weakness: (Everyone has one, this is a must (But if you meta-game this information against other characters, it is punishable if not fixed))Personality: (How does your character think and feel?)Biography: (Background time. Detailed biographies are welcome!)Empty Profile:Name:Species:Gender:Appearance:Weapons:Weapons:Mask:Power:Secondary Abilities:Weakness:Personality:Biography:There are two Weapons slots. Also, I think we need a faction slot.

NPCs

Name: GarettSpecies: Swervarian RahkshiGender: MaleAppearance: Garett is blue with green hands and feet. His left arm is a mixture of black, brown, blue, and green.Weapons: His staff, which is in the shape of Levrahk's.Mask: NonePower: Teleportation, and his left arm allows him power over Quick HealingSecondary Abilities: Being a Rahkshi of Teleportation, Garett is very quick to take in a situation and act. He also has trained himself to find the weak points of a being or object. He is also very skilled with his staff.Weakness: While quick thinking and fairly strong, Garett often refuses to kill anything, and as such his blows are not normally as hurtful as they could be.Personality: Almost like a fun uncle, Garett seems to speak with wisdom even other Swervarian Rahkshi don't have.Biography: Hailing from the Island of Avoidance, Garett is about his father's work in tidying up what he can while he can. He is also searching for his father. When he found out about the Insomniac Group early in its forming, he joined, and has climbed the ladder to become the official head of the expedition. But as of the moment, he leads the Researches on towards their main objective even though some members resent the fact that he is a Rahkshi.The multiple "He also"s are somewhat awkward looking.Name: JanxSpecies: Swervarian RahkshiGender: MaleAppearance: Janx is sand yellow metallic with black hands and feet. His left arm is normal, since he has not unlocked/discovered his secondary ability.Weapons: His two whips can connect to form his staff. When in staff form, the whips can elongate into ropes.Mask: NonePower: Rahi ControlSecondary Abilities: Not only does Janx control Rahi, but he knows them. He can almost tell what a Rahi will or won't do. And almost what they're thinking.Weakness: Janx has a hard time battling elements.Personality: Janx is enthusiastic about Rahi and not much else. He will converse with you, but the subject will quickly turn to RahiBiography: Created after Garett, he has been mentored by the older Rahkshi. As such, he joined Garett in the Insomniac Group when he heard of an unstudied Rahi species. Due to his expertise on the subject, he now leads the Hunters. Why he is no longer talking with Garett or Sirel is a mystery even he can't answer. Proving himself before, the other Hunters respect him as leader even though he is a Rahkshi.Name: SirelSpecies: ToaGender: FemaleAppearance: Sirel has a dull white body with light blue armor and is shorter than most Toa.Weapons: A Rhotuka Launcher attached to her left arm. It can fold in on itself so as to not hinder movement. Power of Rhotuka: Temporary Intangibility (The Rhotuka is intangible, allowing it to fly through solid objects, then it rapidly becomes solid and sharp enough to cut through nearly any substance). And an Ice Gun, but instead of an Ice Pick, it wields a bayonet. It is balanced and easily used as a makeshift sword or gun.Mask: Elemental EnergyPower: IceSecondary Abilities: Sirel is agile with quick reflexes, and has a cunning intelligence.Weakness: Her lack of strength does not help in a physical fight.Personality: Cold and calculating, she always gets to the point.Biography: Unfortunately for the Insomniac Group, her background check never happened and she went on to form her own small faction. Her goal being to get what she can from this island. She leads the Forfeiters and realizes a boat needs to be made, but she is more concerned with what she can get out of Dreamland.Name: UnknownSpecies: Unknown (Nicknamed: Rhak)Gender: Unknown (Probably Male)Appearance: Standing on two legs, the only Rhak ever seen is twice the height of a Matoran. Its tail is stiff and strong for balance. It has two shorter arms compared to its back legs. The arms don’t quite reach the ground, but can lash out or handle "equipment" if needed. It is all gray with natural bone-like armor on its head, back, the outside of its legs and arms, and the top of its tail. It is definitely reptilian looking and it has piercing yellow eyes. Its tail is apparently sharp, and its teeth are almost as long as the claws on its "hands" and feet.Weapons: Its teeth, claws, and tailMask: Unknown (Probably None)Power: Unknown (No power was shown when it rampaged except perhaps limited invulnerability)Secondary Abilities: It appears they have unordinary intelligence. But that can't be proved by just one sighting.Weakness: Unknown (Hopefully Many)Personality: Vicious, and apparently hungry for those who get in its way.Biography: Nothing is known about where the Rhaks came from or if they were on the island before the Matoran arrived, or even their real name. The only thing known is that they are mad at the intrusion by the Insomniac Group, and yet so far only one Rhak has made a halfhearted attack that sent the Insomniac Group in an unprepared frenzy when it turned out that it couldn’t be injured.The Rhak reminds me of my own Gwolth from .The Digression.

All and all, this is to my liking. I don't know if I will play, though. I have another RP planned off Site, and if The Captain is entering... But I would defiantly try this out, and hope for the time.

[Kal the Guardian]

My replies in purple.

Ooh, Dinosaur Banner. Heh, mysterious and foreboding, I like that.Yeah, Dinosaurs! I tried to make it darker so that you couldn't tell what the creature was, but I think it does ok like this. And yes, very foreboding with mystery.Dun dun duuun... Creepy. I have always wanted a RP set in a jungle, and the rain makes it even better for me.Yeah, like with Ocean Cruise before it, I made the location something that I really wanted to play in. The rain just gives it this mood which I think is awesome, but it is also my own RPG I'm talking about. Mysteries, and the supernatural. I really like what you have going here.Yeah I knew I wrote something awesome when Dreamland almost won last contest. I just have this thing for RPGs and mysteries and hidden powers locked away. (Also tournaments, but let's not mention that right now. XD)lolHey, it's always an option. Aggresive plants are aggresive, and to my liking. I just wonder if just four trailers will be enough.Trailers for everyone to sleep in, yes, they should be. Although I need to include a few characters with powers over gravity to explain how the rather large trailers got up the only bay passage.I'm not sure how well this group will work out. I mean, what are they supposed to do? They want to make boats, but none of them seem to know how. Ugh, how did I not remember to put in the main reason they came on the trip? Wow. Edited.Rules are rules are rules.Yes, yes they are.There are two Weapons slots. Also, I think we need a faction slot.Wow, once again I astound myself. Fixed on both accounts.The multiple "He also"s are somewhat awkward looking.Changed.The Rhak reminds me of my own Gwolth from .The Digression.But did your Gwoth have lots of friends?

All and all, this is to my liking. I don't know if I will play, though. I have another RP planned off Site, and if The Captain is entering... But I would defiantly try this out, and hope for the time.Thanks for the review!

[Zorkel567]

Once more...Toa Levacius Presents...Review of Bionicle: Mystery Voyage 2001 (6 Stars)Mystery Bionicle Voyage 2001? …okay, this is too obvious to not be on purpose.

2001 is a refernece to 2001: A Space Odyssey if that's what your saying. But actually, it started out as a reference for the year Bionicle started, adn fit with the theme.

Final Note: You do know you didn’t stop us from being Makuta, right? Also, is this TV’s Zork, or just normal Zork? But I kid - the latter is not a serious question. Just detail things more, please!-Toa Levacius Zehvor

I also added in the no Makuta rule. Hadn't thought of it until you mentioned it. Thanks for the review.

Rules. "4. Do not do any major I allowed things..." What are you saying there? Otherwise, while the rules could have more, yours are a good set nevertheless.

Stupid auto correct. I typed up a lot of this on my iPod and for some reason autpcorrect often does things like that.

Rules about Beings. All elements are allowed? Time and Life are elements. And while they would kill a being who wielded them, this doesn't stop them from appearing in RPGs. Just a heads up.

I don't consider Time and Life elements, but wrote that in just to insure neither of those.

Adventure Rules. So story missions are optional, correct? I would assume so, but I wasn't sure when I read this. "Weapons and upgrades can be gotten from missions doing, as can pay." Umm... I'm not quite sure how you worded that, but that should definately be made more clear.

I got rid of that and am not sure why I added that.

And a cheesy quote at the end. So we don't get an example profile?Good luck in the contest!

I made sure to add a couple example profiles. Hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the idea and review.I've now updated the RPG to more of a 2.0 with new information and better description including, Factions, a little history on them, an ocean, mysteries, and the idea of "story arcs." Edited December 9, 2011 by Zorkel567

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Review of Dreamland (8 Stars)8 Points for Originality – Everyone hating each other, lost island, not completely original, but overall it’s a very original idea and something I very much enjoy.5 Points for Bionicle Feeling – It feels like a Bionicle RPG.9 Points for Attention to Detail – Oh, the questions! There are some things, like why are they called Rhaks (do they go “Rhak! Rhak! Rhak!” when they’re doing their wolf howls, or something?) Then there are questions like, “Why does nobody just fly over the trees. I mean, with a Mask of Flight, you can just fly to the far end of the island and land on that big mountain. Nobody has a mask of flight? And no toa of air on the fifth ship said, “Hey, toa of water in the back corner, let’s work together and get rid of this storm so we can dock!”. Things like that which you have to wonder about.Final Notes: I really like this RPG.Note: You’ve noticed nobody has reached a 9 yet for originality. Simply put – it will be a very hard fought battle to get a 9. Something totally different and surprising, but also interesting – not something dull. A 10 is impossible, as nothing is completely original, which is why 25 points and a 10 star rating are impossible.-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[Kal the Guardian]

Oh, the questions! There are some things, like why are they called Rhaks (do they go “Rhak! Rhak! Rhak!” when they’re doing their wolf howls, or something?) I do mention in the Summary, I believe, that everyone started calling them Rhaks because of their reptilian and almost Rhahkshi like appearance. So that question is answered. Then there are questions like, “Why does nobody just fly over the trees. I mean, with a Mask of Flight, you can just fly to the far end of the island and land on that big mountain. Nobody has a mask of flight?Yeah, this is something I wasn't really sure how to mention. But I guess I'll give a roundabout answer stating facts. The canopy is very thick. And the trees and plants seem to resist everything that is used against them. People can try flight, but they will find that they can not pass through the canopy. It's sort of a surpise I was going to spring on the first person who tried to fly. XDAnd no toa of air on the fifth ship said, “Hey, toa of water in the back corner, let’s work together and get rid of this storm so we can dock!”. Things like that which you have to wonder about.*Facepalm* Wow, I never thought of that. That is something I need to fix. -Toa Levacius Zehvor Thanks for the review!

[Fighty]

Alright, here's my review of Epoch of Despair by the epic EmperorWhenua.To begin with, the prologue is adequately enticing, and it definitely made me interested in the overarching story of the RPG. It's not a very original premise, honestly - times of prosperity abound, then something happens, then everything gets deathy, people go on a quest to save the universe, yadda yadda yadda - but it's a sufficient one and in hands as competent as yours it's likely to succeed. Plus, I don't know the intricacies of the plot like you do, so perhaps you have some devilish twists up your sleeves, eh? Only time will tell I suppose.I must note that I love the Toa's names. That doesn't really have anything to do with the RPG, but I had to state it. Did you derive them from Latin or were they more random than that?So, this is a quasi-sandbox RPG, then? As in, the players are the main proponents of the plot, with you occasionally butting in to add direction? I like it. Admittedly, sandbox RPGs aren't my favorite, but as long as they work I'm okay with them.The map is beautifully rendered. It's sufficiently informative while also being an aesthetic delight. Really, excellent work on that. Did you make it on Photoshop, or are you a Power-point wizard like bonesii? The descriptions of the locations, while not very vivid, gave me a satisfactory mental picture of each region. Although, the following sentence kind of irked me:

To be a Ta-Matoran is to stand for justice and perseverance at all odds.

I believe you meant to say against all odds there at the end. At all odds doesn't quite work. That's the only glaring error I saw as far as grammar goes.To be honest, this RPG was seeming a bit bland until I got to the "Organizations" section. You gave me a great sense of all the different factions that inhabit Kini Karda, and they all seem very unique. I definitely appreciate how you don't fall into the classic tradition of having a clear-cut "good" and "evil" faction. I much prefer having a collection of factions which are well-intentioned and just have different goals and worldviews, and that's exactly what you've done here. Also, warrior monks. Freaking warrior monks. Heck freaking yes. How has this not happened yet?The NPC's are well-described and believable. Oddly, when I was reading through them I kept picturing Arrys as Dumbledore and Basilli as Francis Marion.I assume that you will regulate these "Kanoka-powers," yes? I mean, after all, 'Reconstitute at Random' is a Kanoka disk but you wouldn't want someone to have that power. Admittedly, it has a 50-50 chance of being useful, but it has too much room for abuse in my opinion.Character sheet and faction sheet look good. You definitely do encourage adherence to the rules; those are some good rewards you've got there. Punishments are standard, but if they ain't broke why fix 'em?One problem that may not necessarily exist but I still perceive is that this RPG is going to have a slow start. I mean, none of the factions are stated as being actively at war with each other, nor do they have reasons to be at war with each other, so that means that there won't be much initial conflict at all. That's tolerable, but conflict for me is one of the driving factors of RPG's and one of the chief reasons I play them. Having to build up to a point where I can engage in PvP is a little annoying, which is one of the reasons I didn't like Cradle of Civilization that much. But maybe you do have some initial contact planned? Overall, I'd give it an 8.5/10. It seems like it's going to be a great RPG, but it's not my personal cup-of-tea. If it won, I'd play it, but I don't know if I'd vote for it. Also, I need to make some updates in my Book of Awesome.EmperorWhenua...

... +5 for warrior monks.

... +30 for Bay of Hodor.

Edited December 10, 2011 by TheMightyFighty