Posted Oct 16 2012 - 09:41 AM
Offical ECC Charity Review:
First off, let me make it clear that I'm generally not a fan of BZP fics. Not that they're inherently bad or anything. I just feel a bit weird reading about real people doing things they might or might not do in the situations the authors often put them in. Maybe it's just too close to home for me, but I generaly don't read or enjoy these kinds of fics. Again, not because they're bad but because I simply have no interest in them.
Now I think the most obvious problem with this fic is its paragraphing. While you have managed to make a new paragraph every time someone new talks or there is new information given, it's still hard to read. You should double-space your stories when you post them on the Internet. Much easier to read that way.
There aren't too many spelling or grammar errors that I could find, so I generally understood what was being said. The only real problem I have is this:
They dismissed him as a meme’er.
What's with the apostrophe? Why not "memer"? It looks less awkward and doesn't stand out as much if you write it that way.
The beginning is boring. It's basically just a description of your BZP. While setting up the setting is always important, especially in fics like this one, there are better and more interesting ways of doing it. Frankly, I would have started with Chapter 2 instead of Chapter 1, since that's where the story really begins. Always try to start your story as close to the action as possible.
As for the information on your BZP, you could gradually reveal the setting piece by piece as the story calls for it. It would be a lot funner that way and not as boring.
On point of view (POV): The first chapter is extremely fractured, POV-wise. The first two paragraphs are from Ice's POV of view, the third and fourth paragraphs are from some omniscient narrator's POV, and that line I quoted above is from the collective POV of passersby. It's best to stick with one POV type, generally. You could have had Ice notice the Anon and dismiss him as nothing important, which would have worked better, in my opinion, than what you went with here.
You're much better with chapter two, though. The POV is very consistent, except at the very end, where the omniscient narrator returns again, apparently.
Point of view consistency is important because it is how the story is told. I understand you may want to use different POVs to make things more dramatic or exciting and sometimes using different POV types in one is okay. In general, though, inconsistent POVs take away from the story, rather than adding to it, because the reader has a hard time investing in the story when we are never sure if the protagonist is telling it or some god-like narrator who knows what everyone and everything is thinking or doing at all times.
In terms of the plot, it seems interesting so far. A group of Anons attempting to take over BZP's hard drive as a weapon while a government taskforce tries to take them down. It has the potential to be very interesting, but unfortunately you only wrote two chapters. I imagine you must not have gotten any guest stars, which is a bit unfortunate, but that's what happens when you need guest stars for your stories.
As for the characters, there's not much to say. Ice is obviously your self-insert. That is not, in and of itself, a bad thing, but self-inserts have a greater potential of becoming Mary Sues -- that is, perfect characters that basically bend the universe around them due to their "special"ness -- than normal characters. I'm not sure how much Ice resembles you or, rather, how much he represents your ideal self, but I caution against making him too perfect or special (that is, if you are still interested in writing this story).
Also, why is his name Ice if he's actually a Toa of Plasma? Is it to confuse people? If so, why? Is Ice just really paranoid? Does he enjoy messing with peoples' heads? Is it a nickname he earned from his friends because he has a cold personality? Or is that just his name because he's your self-insert?
Not much to say on Hahli Husky 'cause she really hasn't done much so far, except basically let Ice make all the decisions (even though she's the governor of the Epics forum).
Ice the Great was in a good mood. He’d gotten his Daily Tohu (BZPower’s national newstablet), and had seen a featured story on the Short Stories contest winner. Now knowing who it was, he went and read it. And he read it… again. And again. And it was good. It was GREAT.
Who is the Short Stories contest winner? What was the contest about? What was the winning entry called? Why was it so great?
I understand that this is probably not that important to the story, but it's still annoying how the reader is assured that it is "good," that it is "GREAT," but we've never told exactly what it is. Please tell us a little more about it or maybe just cut this thing out entirely. Really extraneous to the story.
Sometimes your writing is vague, such as this paragraph:
This left only the Brutaka imitator awake. His face portrayed horror, and he tried to scoot back away from Ice. There wasn’t much hope for him. He wore the Mask of Telekinesis, so he lifted his opponent and started to walk away. As he did, he grabbed the Guy Fawkes mask off the ground.
The way it's written, it sounds like the Brutaka imitator has the Mask of Telekinesis and that he grabbed the Guy Fawkes mask, although I'm fairly certain you meant Ice. Replacing the bolded "He" with Ice's name would clear up much of the confusion here.
Overall, this story has the potential to be interesting, but POV inconsistency, a boring beginning, and strange paragraphing really affect its quality negatively. You should still write it, but work on making Ice into an actual character and don't rely on guest stars. Just make up some characters and you'll be good to go.
Keep on writing.