No Room For Heroes Review TopicNo Room For Heroes Review
Posted Dec 14 2011 - 12:24 PM
Okay, maybe pull a few.
Posted Dec 15 2011 - 09:20 PM
An unwilling or unwitting hero is something of a common theme for stories, but a hero who can simply be disposed of, tossed aside the moment the Great Beings no longer want him, is not. You have a very original plot, in that sense, and it does tie in with canon. Well done on that score.
Your characters have varying ranges of realism - for example, Hazdrix's reaction to becoming a Toa was well done. But Helryx and Mulcar go through very sudden and sometimes inexplicable emotional swings.
"You fool! You endanger the whole universe!" Mulcar spat.
"You will not hurt him." Certavus said boldly.
"Then you will die." Replied Mulcar and raised his hand. Certavus crumpled to the ground, screaming in agony.
"No!" shouted Hazdrix and shot a thornaz straight at Mulcar's chest, surprising him. "It's ironic, you told me I couldn't kill."
"I am no toa." Mulcar replied. "And you are needed elsewhere." with that, he charged Hazdrix, tackled him, and warped them away.
Now contrast that attitude with this-
"We told you to kill him, not bring him here!" one whispered to Mulcar.
"Now that he knows of our existance, he surely must die!" said another.
"Why?" Mulcar asked. "What wrong has he done? Lived? How is that wrong?" Mulcar demanded of the ones around him.
It may be that the story is too short to allow for the character development needed to show why Mulcar goes through this journey, but if that's the case, then you might want to consider lengthening and deepening it.
On a more practical note, you make several grammar errors that really bog down the story.
Which is why it is so important that your mission succeded.
Which is why it was so important that your mission succeeded. The sentence is future tense.
What if they mistake him for a rival warrior here to destroy them in their time of need!
What if they mistook him. Again, wrong tense.
Okay, maybe ride isn't the best word, more like flail and try not to die!
Okay, maybe 'ride' wasn't the best word - more like flail and try not to die!
And in the two last quotes, the narrator (you) cannot take the place of Hazdrix's thoughts. If that's the way you want him to feel, all well and good, but thoughts don't belong in narration.
The scene transitions need to be a little clearer; we jump from place to place, even world to world, with no warning and in mid-conversation. It gets very confusing very quickly, especially combined with the break-neck-Le-matoran speed of the whole story. I really think that slowing down and taking time to develop the the story would fix a lot of these problems.
Overall, you have an interesting story to tell, but you don't take the time to tell it well or in complete form. It's like condensed milk in epic format, and it needs a lot of water and stirring to bring out it's potential. Keep working and improving.
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
Leader of the Epic Critics' Club
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