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[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Here we (Anyone who's kind enough to offer criticism/theories) can discuss my latest project, The Best Kept Secrets.

The entire story will be told within two parts, with the ending of this epic leading directly onto its sequel.

The Best Kept Secrets
The Darkest Hour

There will also be a few short stories about backstories to the occasional character every now and then, but they will be independent of the actual story.

I'm hoping to get one chapter a week up, maybe more. (Almost one year later, all I have to say to this expectation is: "Bahahahahahah!")

Edited by Sechs - King of Facade, Oct 20 2012 - 05:10 PM.

[Cederak]

I have never been much of a fan of Bionicle's time on Bara Magna, or in this case, Spherus Magna, but there is a massive range of possibility to be played with here. With an entire universe evacuated and being thrown into the mix with all the natives of Bara Magna, there's no telling what can happen. So despite my dislike of the location, you've put together quite an opening chapter. That's not to say I didn't stumble upon a few errors.

so the Skrall instinctively raised his shield to protect him.

"to protect him" is implied, and unnecessary.

Siril managed to discern a shape and recognised the species.

"recognised" should be "recognized" unless you're from the UK.

I assume it’s a gift…Or a curse.

"Or" shouldn't be capitalized.

the stunned Vortixx in front of him desperately trying to crawl away, “you on the other hand, my friend…Are not.”

The first comma should be a period, which causes "You" to be capitalized. "Are" shouldn't be capitalized.

Siril also considered the quality of the assassin’s.

No apostrophe necessary.

Also, I believe the Epic Sub-Forum asks that a link in your main epic connect to your review topic. Couldn't hurt to add one.

It's too early to speculate how the title will play into the story, but it would seem Siril is already searching for answers. I suppose if I found I was immortal, I would be more than a little curious myself. Oddly, he was nearly killed by a Toa - which means you're either overlooking the "Do not kill" code that Toa normally follow, or the Toa in question was a renegade.

More interesting though, you reintroduced me to Tuma. To be honest, I had entirely forgotten him after Mata Nui got a few cheap shots at his back near the end of The Legend Reborn. It's always exciting to see what a disgraced leader will do after losing the respect and loyalty of his soldiers.

Again, there is a world of potential to be had with this epic, and you're off to a great start. I assume this is your first epic here, and aside from those minor problems stated above, you're a fine writer. Detail is sound, and dialogue is decent. I tell this to many writers, but reread dialogue in your own voice. It helps to see how "realistic" the conversation feels. The same goes for inner monologues. Tuma's near the end seems valid, as I always assumed he was a tad crazy, and being alone in the desert could very well add to that craziness. Keep at it, TWA - you're off to a great start.

-Ced

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I've got to say, thanks for the review man. It's encouraging to see I've already inspired intrigue and to know that at least someone will be reading these.

I would just like to say, yes, I am from the UK, so expect a lot of "Recognises", "Armours" and "Colours". The reason I used a comma followed by a lack of capitalisation is because that's what I was taught in school. Though, to be honest, I've never been sure whether that was correct. But, regardless, thank you for the corrections, I'll watch out next time, and deal with the present ones right away.

[Gold Force Onua]

Great first chapter, it gives enough insight into the story without giving future plot developments away. Definitely looking forward to reading more!

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Yikes, 2,051 words this latest chapter has. Not sure if I'm pleased with it, but it'll do for now.

It's a good introduction to a couple of characters I intend to be using frequently, but perhaps not as good as I'd have hoped. Their next appearances should make their personalities a bit clearer. Meanwhile, feel free to say what you like, dear readers, criticism is highly appreciated.

[King Joe]

I'm really liking this story so far. I'm not so nitpicky as to go through and find every little spelling and grammar error, but I'm enjoying the story. It really makes you think about how Agori/Matoran relations would work, especially now that the matoran's true nature and purpose is known. I really like the dynamic there, as it let's you know that everything didn't just end happily ever after once Spherus Magna was reunited. People (and I'm assuming Agori and Matoran here as well) have trouble adjusting to change, and I was pleased to see it so masterfully described. I really liked the shopkeepers too, they have the sneaky, conniving, say-anything-to-get-me-outta-trouble, while still knowing quite a bit feel to them. You know, the kinda guy who's memory can be jogged by the right amount of money. I really like those type of characters in other media, and you pull it off wonderfully.

[Indigo Individual]

I like the Vortixx there. Good to finally know who that quote in your sig comes from.

I like the story so far, I never really liked Tuma as a character though. I can't help but wonder what part Gresh'll play in it, though...

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I gotta say, thanks for all the reviews guys, as I'm sure I said, it's encouraging to see that people actually do read and maaaaaybe enjoy it. It's enough to make me want to carry on.

Anyway, chapter 3's up and once again longer than I expected at 2100+ words. I think this is going to be a frequent thing, and yet I can barely write a 1500 word essay for college. Heck, this could be the length of a novel sooner or later.

[Indigo Individual]

I see the 'ill-fated Pirok' made an appearance. Well, I spotted a few inaccuracies there, but I'm still loving the story.
I don't suppose Mata-Nui will be making an appearance, considering the mention of him?

[King Joe]

Ka-stabbed, Pirok.
Good chapter, and I absolutely love those vendor characters.

Edited by King Joe, Jan 31 2012 - 12:37 PM.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I see the 'ill-fated Pirok' made an appearance. Well, I spotted a few inaccuracies there, but I'm still loving the story.
I don't suppose Mata-Nui will be making an appearance, considering the mention of him?

I've considered it, but I've decided Mata Nui would be way too much of an easy way out for everyone, so no, he's still out there exploring the stars or wherever he disappeared off to.

Ka-stabbed, Pirok.
Good chapter, and I absolutely love those vendor characters.

Well, that's lucky, I'd hate for them to get boring yet.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to make a quick apology because over the past week or two, I've been swamped. I'm three quarters of the way through Chapter 6, so it should be up by the weekend, and hopefully sooner, given most of the burdens will be relieved tomorrow afternoon. Then it's half term, so I vow to make up for lost time. So, just bare with me all, the plot will finally move forwards at some point.

[Aderia]

Salutations! Here's your friendly neighborhood Adders here from the ECC with the review you requested.

I'm gonna be honest and say that when I first glanced at your epic, the length of it was more than a bit intimidating. Ahaha, and now I can't wait for it to get longer.

Anyways, down to business. I’m going to break things down by chapter for the first part, the nitpicky part.


Chapter 2:

Gresh finished analysing them before eventually stepping forward and gently easing his way through the crowd (???) stood at the front of the stage, looking up at the two.

So, for this one, I was actually gonna correct your ‘analyzing’, but then I read over Cederak’s earlier review and saw he’d tried to get you for something similar. So nevermind about that one. But I did find a missing word. I’m not sure exactly what you meant, but I’m guessing it was something along the lines: “…easing his way through the crowd and stood at the front of the stage…” or “…easing his way through the front of the crowd that stood at the front of the stage...”

Never before, my good Zhorya. Please, tell us what great quest we must embark on to find this noble artefact.

Well, this one might be a UK/US discrepancy too, but I wasn’t sure so I figured I’d just point it out anyways.

Chapter 3:

His days (???) mindless wandering had led him from the ancient desert into the brand new gleaming forest.

I’m guessing “of” was accidentally omitted here?

Chapter 5:

Kurot gripped her knees tightly, trying desperately hard to ignore the irritating duo (???) either side of her.

“On”, possibly?

Chapter 6:

Without that, we’re running blindly into battle. So that’s what you need us to do.

So this is about three quarters of the way through chapter 6, and Norik is explaining what the Elders need Bomomga’s team to accomplish. That last sentence, it’s like the speaker switched from Norik to Jaller.

Chapter 9:

The crimson Glatorian laughed, “I’m here to offer your services.(???)

“You” is mistyped as “your”, and while I was looking at that, I also saw the last pair of quotation marks was missing.

Chapter 10:

Now (???)we (???) despite what some may say, we’re not anarchist, nor are we seekers of justice.

I’m not exactly sure about this one either, but it’s found in the middle of Xavor and Zhorya’s letter to Ackar. It didn’t really make sense when I read over it. And there were a couple ways I tried to piece it together.

“Now, we, despite what some may say, are not anarchist…”

“Now, despite what some may say, we’re not anarchist…”




Okay, now that that's through, on to the fun stuff.

I can't remember the last time I've used a number scale to rank a story, but I'm pretty sure that this one would be one of the highest scores I've given. On the nitpicky side of things, there were a remarkably small number of errors I spotted in proportion to the size of the Epic thus far. And on the writerly side of things, , your work totally knocked my metaphorical socks off.

Enticing writing style, flowing dialogue balanced out by beautiful details, check , check check. Those seem to come naturally for you. Either that or you’ve had a heck of a lot of practice. But what really captured my attention was/is the story was the plotline.

Not even five paragraphs into the first chapter, and we’ve already hit the ground running.

(Again, I’ll probly be going through this chapter by chapter. I may or may not have printed out a hard copy of this to spare my eyes from the evil computer monitor. Save some electricity, kill a tree, all’s fair in love ‘n’ war, ya kno?)
Anywhoo, the transition from Siril’s scene into the mysterious hooded figure in the second half of chapter one I particularly liked. Mostly because of the curiosity about who the hooded figure was. What a great way to end the first chapter, revealing that the figure was Tuma. I bet you hooked a lot of readers with that one. I’m not sure if it’s exactly a cliffhanger, but it’s just as effective.

I have to admit, though, before Chapter 2, I couldn’t really guess where the story was headed (I’m guessing that’s how it’s supposed to be), but it’s great how you get the plot really rolling here. The depiction of the new combined society really drew me in, it was fabulous. I’m not sure how you do it, but the way you slip in your OC’s so seamlessly with the cannon characters, all the while keeping all the cannon characters realistic and in character is awesome. It makes for a smooth read. And you even put your own special twist on the CC’s to make the story even more your own. Kudos to you.

I don’t know if you’ve ever read or seen the Harry Potter books, but your characters of Xavor and Zhorya reminded me of the two Weasley twins. The dynamic duo with a knack for micheif making and awesomeness, if you catch my drift. In simpler terms, the two Vortixx are easily some of my favorite OC's.

I'm not sure if I mentioned, but I while I was reading through the hardcopy of the chapters, I just noted things I particularly liked in the margins in each chapter (normally i jot things down that could be improved too, but I had a hard time coming up with those.) . In chapter 3, one of the best parts was in the Elder's meeting room, and the tensions between everyone, especially Hydraxon and Ackar, had me on the edge of my seat. Your knack for portraying cannon characters so well is also evident in this chapter, I think, when we’re with Tuma, and when Metus dies. I really admire the fact that you’re not afraid to use the CC’s however you please, whether it be killing them off or sending them on a heroic quest, etc, etc.

‘Queen of the Nest’ was probably one of my favorite chapters. For one, the Nest and the way you describe it really gives the story texture. For another, the first mention of Kurot in the second chapter ties in here, and that was cool to see. Also, this ‘Harmaisis’ character, will he ever make an appearance in person?

So, between Chapters 4 and 5, I thought Kurot’s character changed a bit abruptly at first. She seemed very calm, cool and collected and professional in the Nest, but when she was with Xavor and Zhorya, her cold front seemed to evaporate a bit too quickly. But that might just be me, bitter about not finding anything to critique, deep deep down in my subconscious. Who knows.

When chapter 6 opened, I was glad to see some more of Siril, and I can’t wait to see what role he has to play in your grand scheme of things. And I’m gonna skip ahead, because I think at this point, I had stopped marking down notes because I was just so absorbed in reading.

Okay, so overall, with all the characters and huge world you have set up, it looks like we’re just seeing the tip of the iceberg here. A very impressive tip, if I may say. You’ve got me feeling for these characters of yours. Like, I’ll be sad when(if) Thantox dies, the tension in Atero Nui I can almost feel, you’ve seriously done a great job.

I’m sorry I’m not actually criticizing anything, because I’m sure that’s why you came to the ECC in the first place, to see if there was anything to fix or improve on. I just couldn’t find anything. I feel like all I’ve done is ramble about how much I’ve been a creeper on your epic. (1 am, I suppose a bit of slack can be cut for me ;D)

But keep up the good work, and I will definitely keep up with this Epic. Best of luck!

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Well, wow, thanks a lot for that. I didn't quite expect such a glowing review when I requested a critic, but it's incredibly appreciated. Thanks for your support, I just hope I can keep it at the quality that's got you hooked.

Onto some of your points, yes I can say that the Weasley twins were something of an inspiration for Xavor and Zhorya. At the same time, they were also inspired by Merry and Pippin from Lord of the Rings, Andy and Andy from Hot Fuzz, Pintel and Raggeti from Pirates of the Caribbean and any other two characters with a sibling-esque relationship. Fictionally, their biggest inspiration was the two antagonists Master Bush and Master Blair from Darren Shan's standalone title, The Thin Executioner. Of all the book, my favourite parts were always when those two were around with their sinister attitudes and scheming behaviours. Believe it or not, the dialogue is based on conversations I myself have with one or two friends of mine.

Harmaisis will hopefully make an appearance soon. I shan't say any more about that.

Kurot's behavioural change was a little accidental. In my head, the idea was that when she's around Xavor and Zhorya, she feels a little more comfortable, although a little frightened, so lets the aura of professionalism fade from around her and acts more casually. Of course, I probably took that a bit too far. That remains to be seen though for when she appears next without them around.

But honestly, I'm really pleased to hear you enjoyed it, and hope I can keep it to the same quality. Thank you very much for your review. =)

Edited by The Wretched Automaton, Feb 25 2012 - 01:20 PM.

[Indigo Individual]

So, the world is ending? Or is Tuma lying?

But, anyhow, Zhorya and Xavor are being very suspicious...
And I believe I said the inspiration probably came from the Weasleys, but I think that post disappeared for some reason. *Shrugs*
Anyhow, I look forward to the next chapter.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

So, the world is ending? Or is Tuma lying?

Tuma is going by what he has heard. He exaggerated when he said the world, but he is aware something is about to occur.

[Aderia]

...
Onto some of your points, yes I can say that the Weasley twins were something of an inspiration for Xavor and Zhorya. At the same time, they were also inspired by Merry and Pippin from Lord of the Rings, Andy and Andy from Hot Fuzz, Pintel and Raggeti from Pirates of the Caribbean and any other two characters with a sibling-esque relationship. Fictionally, their biggest inspiration was the two antagonists Master Bush and Master Blair from Darren Shan's standalone title, The Thin Executioner. Of all the book, my favourite parts were always when those two were around with their sinister attitudes and scheming behaviours. Believe it or not, the dialogue is based on conversations I myself have with one or two friends of mine.
...

Yeah, I can see how they're like Merry and Pippin and Pintel and Ragetti, but unfortunately, Hot Fuzz and The Thin Executioner, i've never really heard of.

Anyways, I gotta make this quick, I'm in a hurry, but in chapter 11, I like how you incorporated your name into the dialogue. Very crafty

The black and red armoured wandered stared straight forward as they walked, not paying any mind to the mix of fearful and angry countenances around him.

and that was the only hiccup i spotted.

KUTGW

[Indigo Individual]

Question: Did you put your name into that, or did you take your name from that?
Just wondering.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Yeah, I can see how they're like Merry and Pippin and Pintel and Ragetti, but unfortunately, Hot Fuzz and The Thin Executioner, i've never really heard of.

Hm, Hot Fuzz surprises me, I thought it was popular. Although, maybe it didn't travel too far out of the UK, I'm not sure. The Thin Executioner I'm not surprised by, though, there wasn't really any hype about it when it was released, nor is there now.

The black and red armoured wandered stared straight forward as they walked, not paying any mind to the mix of fearful and angry countenances around him.

and that was the only hiccup i spotted.

Gah, there's always one, isn't there.

Anyways, I gotta make this quick, I'm in a hurry, but in chapter 11, I like how you incorporated your name into the dialogue. Very crafty

Question: Did you put your name into that, or did you take your name from that?

Hehe, I'm glad you all caught the reference. I just included it as a bit of author allusion for a little fun. The name The Wretched Automaton itself comes from a track name in the NieR soundtrack, which I thought'd make a nice username.

[Indigo Individual]

Yeah, I can see how they're like Merry and Pippin and Pintel and Ragetti, but unfortunately, Hot Fuzz and The Thin Executioner, i've never really heard of.

Hm, Hot Fuzz surprises me, I thought it was popular. Although, maybe it didn't travel too far out of the UK, I'm not sure. The Thin Executioner I'm not surprised by, though, there wasn't really any hype about it when it was released, nor is there now.

I'm just about to read The Thin Executioner (Darren used to be one of my favourite authors. He's Irish, too, FYI).
Hot Fuzz is hilarious. XD

But, I don't think anyone didn't get the reference. It would be like me writing 'I am Vorex: Paradox Eater, and I will eat you!'. I would never write that. I would, however, write 'I am Vorex, devourer of paradoxes, and I will devour you!'. But, still, you couldn't exactly say 'the terrible automatons'. I enjoyed the reference, though.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I'm just about to read The Thin Executioner (Darren used to be one of my favourite authors. He's Irish, too, FYI).

I hope you enjoy it, I certainly did. Cliche plot that I predicted from the very beginning, but he crafted the world so marvellously and made me relate with most of the characters.

But, I don't think anyone didn't get the reference. It would be like me writing 'I am Vorex: Paradox Eater, and I will eat you!'. I would never write that. I would, however, write 'I am Vorex, devourer of paradoxes, and I will devour you!'. But, still, you couldn't exactly say 'the terrible automatons'. I enjoyed the reference, though.

...It was worth a shot.

[Indigo Individual]

Indeed it was.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Phew, done with chapter 12. Probably my longest one yet, 2,346 words. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing to have chapters this long.

At least chapter 13 shouldn't be too long before it gets released. That one should be a little more fun to write.

[Indigo Individual]

Chapter 12 actually seemed like a shorter one to me. XP

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Chapter 12 actually seemed like a shorter one to me. XP

Huh, that's surprising.

Hopefully chapter 13 shouldn't be too long. I'm not too confident on fight scenes, so I doubt I'll drag it out for too long.

[Indigo Individual]

Wow. I mean, seriously, wow.
Nice job. One of my favourite chapters so far (mainly because I was mentioned in it).
The fight seen was good, I can't find anything much to criticise, other than a few grammatical errors.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

A dead orange Matoran is indeed the way forward when making a good chapter.

I'm really surprised by the way chapters have been getting longer and longer. I fear by the time this has finished I will have written something of a book. Not that'd be bad, but...Not exactly publishable.

Anyway, I'm gonna be aiming to get Chapter 14 out by Sunday-Wednesday, hopefully wrapping up the Toro City escapades and getting to moving the story along.

[Indigo Individual]

Especially when he has a cool name. XD

Yeah. Still, a fun read nonetheless.

Yay!

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Yeah, that Matoran really was awesome. Even without any lines, Orag made Chapter 5 special. That other one was alright I guess. Didn't have nearly the influence of Orag.

[Indigo Individual]

Gitball. XD

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

You're just jealous of the wonder that was Orag. =P

[Indigo Individual]

Yeah, jealousy, of course, that's it.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Aaand chapter 14's up. Each chapter seems to be longer than the last. I'm like that, but I'm not sure if I should.

Okay, so this was released later than I would have liked, which is fairly irritating. Fortunately, it's the Easter Holidays so as long as I can stave off socialising, I should have enough free time to write a few more chapters. My intention is to be at chapter 17 before the two weeks are up. Let's see if I can't manage that.

[Indigo Individual]

Just one question: Where did all the flames and chaos and explosions come from? I didn't see them starting.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Just one question: Where did all the flames and chaos and explosions come from? I didn't see them starting.

The implication was that Xavor and Zhorya rigged the library with explosives. When they said "That one was ours" that was them detonating. However, looking over it, I realised that I never actually hinted they were doing this and it only makes sense when coupled with a later scene that's only in my mind. Hm...

[Indigo Individual]

You may want to, y'know, be just a little more careful about stuff like that next time. XD

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Hey, accidents happen. Besides, when you know each event that's yet to occur, it seems clearer that they rigged it.

[Indigo Individual]

Ah, okay. So, basically, you're saying I'm better off waiting 'til you finish writing the whole thing before I read any more of it? XD

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Hmm, nope, because it's only because of a scene nearer the end that I assumed it was clear Xavor and Zhorya were leaving explosives in the library.

[Indigo Individual]

Ah, I see. And I guess everything else will be explained better, right?

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Well, I guess so. It's a little difficult to explain without spoilers.

Edited by The Wretched Automaton, Apr 14 2012 - 03:26 PM.