4 replies to this topic

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Updates weekly, on Monday

The Topic Itself

Please post your comments and criticism on my new story here.

Over time I will be posting character profiles and little pieces of information and stuff like this. So it'll be more like a hub of information than just a Review Topic.

Thank you,
-Toa Levacius Zehvor

Edited by Toa Levacius Zehvor, Jan 01 2012 - 04:09 PM.

[Big Macintosh]

I do like this story. You have a quite descriptive writing style which helps flesh out the world, which I love. Already, I find myself caught up in the story. It's great. I'll definitely be keeping my eye on this story.

[Cederak]

I read a lot of stories and books, but it's rare to see one where the prologue details events that occur before the first chapter. That always seemed like a greater concept in video game narratives, which is not to say its a bad thing here. I was happily surprised to see it actually. This alternate Matoran Universe you have going certainly feels alive, although I stumbled upon a few errors that contracted from that sense of "magic" you had going.

tall toa wearing a silver breastplate

Toa should be capitalized. This error appears eight more times. A simple Ctrl+F search will help you locate them.

the islands entire eastern half
The islands name - Siramir
creatures ears perked up to look around.
The grassy patches dotting the islands eastern half
rumored to have taken over Stelts underworld.

island's, island's, creature's, island's, Stelt's - apostrophes have a place. If you're using MS Word, I'm surprised it didn't pick those up.

due too its unimportant location

due to its unimportant location

her chance was almost lot,

her chance was almost lost,

as fast as she can,

as fast as she could,

two spear strikes into the chest and keep coming

two spear strikes into the chest and kept coming

Across his back was a large sheathe holding a large claymore.

You should replace a "large" with another word. And you want the word sheath - sheathe means to put a weapon away.

stone rat terrorizing a matoran.

Matoran should be capitalized. This error appears four more times. Again, Ctrl+F will take you to them.

the later being the only excitement

the latter being the only excitement

threw him Bula berry,

threw him a Bula berry,

would likely be vessel responsible

would likely be the vessel responsible


Those are mostly minor issues to look out for, just be more vigilant when reviewing your work before posting. Looking at the actual story, it's an interesting one. We have a Matoran Universe without a roof, a few geographical changes, and a prologue spelling the certain doom of an island you detailed very nicely. I could get a real sense of the atmosphere, and what life was like for the inhabitants. Dialogue felt realistic as well, which definitely helps. The aforementioned errors were really the only negative points to this epic thus far, and I'm fairly curious to see where this story will go. Keep at it, Toa Levacius Zehvor, you're off to a great start.

-Ced

[Toa Levacius Zehvor]

Thanks to both of you. I didn't expect such positive reviews so soon.

I'll try to go through and check for errors more. I thought I caught at least most of them, but looks like a lot more where those came from. I do use Microsoft Word, so it picks up a lot of errors, but I never upgraded past 2003 so it still doesn't catch as much as it could be.


-Toa Levacius Zehvor

[atvan]

Great story. One problem I see is that the deaths are a bit quick, both in the timeline of the story, and in their though. I didn't even know who the characters were that died, had to go back and check. I don't need the combat to stop for a three page mourning scene, but some more emotion would really help to convey the sense of loss and imenent doom coming over the villagers and toa alike.