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[Solek-Toa of Shadows]

So, what do you think? Feedback and critisism is welcome, and praise is apprecieated. Please moderate praise, and make sure that crtisism is moderated (though if a particular piece is NEEDED to be added, feel free to add it).

Link to Epic:
http://www.bzpower.c...showtopic=2685

Edited by Solek-Toa of Shadows, Jan 03 2012 - 12:55 AM.

[Cederak]

ECC Charity Review time! Revision is my first charity piece (surprising since I'm the BZPer that put the charity initiative into effect in the first place) and I found it to be an engaging plot. Ultimately, it's downfall came from a plethora of grammar and spelling errors, as seen below.


Chapter 1

it moved back into the shadows, waiting for it’s move.

it moved back into the shadows, waiting for its move.

“Hah!” Laughed another.

“Hah!” laughed another.

She said that she didn’t, but she knew, and also knew that everyone knew that she did as well.

Perhaps this sentence would be better worded like this: "Gavla said that she didn't know, but she did, and that knowledge was apparent to everyone else too."

This isn’t the first time this is happened,

This isn’t the first time this has happened,

and destroying an possible opposition that could possibly arise.”

and destroying any possible opposition that could arise.”

not a bunch of rookies that was thrust into my face,

not a bunch of rookies that were thrust into my face,

and reverse the process in which who you’re supposed to kill?”

and reverse the process in which you’re supposed to kill?”

Oh wait, their both dead,

Oh wait, they're both dead,

“Oh, the old it worked for Solek so it should work for me argument eh? How about this, find a shadow leech and let it suck the light out of you, it worked for Solek right?”

“Oh, the old "it worked for Solek so it should work for me" argument eh? How about this? Find a shadow leech and let it suck the light out of you, because it worked for Solek, right?”

:Do you? Or are you trying to get me to stop.”

“Do you? Or are you trying to get me to stop?”

you should go see you’re new team before they kill each other.”

you should go see your new team before they kill each other.”

Chapter 2

but much like the newcomers that he’s seen while on lookout

but much like the newcomers that he'd seen while on lookout

ran and behind a large rock.

running behind a large rock.

well, at least they don’t know exactly were I am, from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty good shots.

Well, at least they don’t know exactly where I am, but from what I’ve seen, they’re pretty good shots.

and it held a not so stone like sword,

and it held a not-so-stone-like sword,

a sudden onslaught of energy strikes him like a punch to the stomach.

a sudden onslaught of energy struck him like a punch to the stomach.

He drops to the floor convulses in pain, and finally falls still.

He dropped to the floor convulsing in pain, and finally fell still.

Chapter 3

walls of the arena was covered with black scorch stains and ice sheets and icebergs,

walls of the arena were covered with black scorch stains, ice sheets and icebergs,

They know about your strict regime,

They know about your strict regimen,

the Toa of Stone? Got impatient

the Toa of Stone got impatient

The council tried to place him an a team made solely of Air Toa,

The council tried to place him on a team made solely of Air Toa,

and ungrateful, other words aren’t needed to describe him.

and ungrateful. Other words aren’t needed to describe him.

what she was about to do the these four,

what she was about to do to these four,

you're try to subdue me."

you're trying to subdue me."



Man, that was a lot of grammatical errors. I recommend using a writing program that will help you catch slip-ups like that, or simply adopt a habit of being much, much more vigilant when you're reviewing your work for issues. Also, I noticed you don't use consistent verb tense a lot, and that accounted for a decent chunk of the grammar errors I found. Now that I've addressed that, let's move on to your actual story.

From these few, short chapters, I'm running on the assumption that your epic is titled Revision for the simple fact that Gavla is putting together a team that has come from many different places, all quick-tempered and argumentative types that "don't play well with others." While I'm not sure why you deviated from canon to make Gavla a Toa of water rather than the Toa of light she would be, she fits her role well in this story. Admittedly, your opening had all the cliché feel of a bad horror movie, and if not for all the grammar issues I got bogged down in catching, the rest of your story would certainly make up for that. For the sake of further analysis, I'm going to pretend grammar wasn't an issue and grade your story in this next part by the substance of its plot.

Given Gavla's canon history, I'm not entirely sure whether or not she's responsible for the deaths of the former Toa teams. She certainly appears to be ready to try again, but she seems rather detached from the failures and deaths of those teams, even prepared to laugh about the death of Solek - someone who (moments before) she wishes were still around. She's trustworthy enough to be given another chance at leading Toa, though, even if she's given a team full of incompatible hotheads.

Now, without more information about this epic, the second chapter feels very out of place. There's no information (or even hints) as to who is on the run or who is pursuing him. It's a shame this epic stopped so short, as the idea behind a mysterious sword and mask leaves quite a bit hanging up in the air. Ah well, I suppose.

The third chapter is much more fun. Gavla's new team is intense and they don't seem to respect authority, not that it's a terrible surprising trait for a bunch of Toa that don't function well in teams to begin with. The scope of what you're setting up has incredible potential, but it's held back by the constant grammatical issues. To be frank, I wouldn't read this epic if not on assignment because of the poor grammar. It continually killed the immersion for me and I had to go back and edit everything together to run through it more smoothly. I like your plot, I really do, but you need to learn the "rules of the road" with proper English. Keep at it.

-Ced