106 replies to this topic

[Indigo Individual]

Okay, here's the review topic for my epic, Shadows (found here).


Constructive criticism very much welcome. (I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to put in here... Oh well)

Edited by Vorex: Paradox Eater, Feb 25 2012 - 05:05 AM.

[Wotsiznaim]

Wow, it's definitely interesting to see the origins of the Mystix. Although it seemed to go a bit quickly, I presume there is a lot more to this tale than meets the eye, seeing as Kraal followed Aru (or should I say ?).
I like the way it is written in historical format, like an actual legend, but my only gripe with what's happened so far, like I said before, is that it went by a bit too quickly. Other than that, brilliant.

[Indigo Individual]

Thankyou. I needed to get all of that over and done with in the prologue, thus the fact that it went so quickly.

And yes, there is more to it than meets the eye.

Nice job spotting ?'s real name, by the way.

[fishers64]

Sounds brilliant. Never heard of the "Mystix" but for a possibly fan-made species, looks like it could work on great. Nice incorporation of mystery, especially with the Nuhvok scene.

One minor gripe: I think Teridax is acting slightly out of character and power. He doesn't have the power to freeze time in an area, and I would think a stasis field would take a certain amount of energy to maintain, and is less efficient than a simple blast-to-simithereens.

[Indigo Individual]

First of all, Terry isn't going to destroy an entire species when they could be used to his advantage. Second, he didn't freeze time; He just made the door. How they were frozen in time will be explained later, although it wasn't Terry.

[Wotsiznaim]

Oohh, two fancy new chapters, I'm liking the Nuhvok part. Although, it seems strange how Incommodo is a bumbling fool in the RPG and a complete legend in the epic (I'm just waiting for him to say 'elementary, my dear Ignotus' or something of the sort) Also I wonder how Pirok, Proditor and Pulse will play into this whole shenanigan.
Intriguing, Pirok. Intriguing indeed.

[Indigo Individual]

Yes, Inc is a legend so far. Of course, in a short while, we'll be seeing more of the Inc everyone knows and loves.
And the Nuhvok part was the bit I enjoyed writing most. I spent nights thinking it over, figuring out how to write it perfectly. I chose Nuhvok as it was my first set.
And there was a little bit of the Inc from the RPG in there: 'That, and your name is inscribed on it', as well as 'My life is flashing before my eyes! No, wait, it's okay, I think that's someone else's life'. Not, of course, forgetting 'It's a disk'.

[ZHX]

Let's see, this is obviously an alternate universe from the BZPRPG, which explains all the differences. The paragraphing needs a bit of work, and each chapter is a bit short, but it's still a rather good story. Incommodo is as amusing as ever.

[Indigo Individual]

I know, I'm not the best with paragraphing.

Anyhow, yes, this is an alternate timeline. The chapters ARE a bit short, but that's mainly so that I can post them more often.
And Inc is indeed doing well. By the way, no comments on how there's 'a blue figure' being dragged into Ignotus' room, yet Inc is standing outside Pirok's door?

[Wotsiznaim]

Aru, is it?

Also, I see classic Incommodo has returned.

[Indigo Individual]

Aru, is it?

Also, I see classic Incommodo has returned.

Told you he'd be back in Chapter 4. And I'm not giving away any spoilers! Spoilers are evil! Bad, bad spoilers!

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. I'm not sure if I have to follow the BZPRPG to know which character is who or what their background is, but so far I've got a sort of alright idea of what's going on. This has a lot of potential and I'm interested to see how the Mystix will be weaving in with the whole situation.

Just one thing I might add is that I think you should add a little bit more description to your chapters. They're all fairly short and move by so quickly, I think a few moments to sit down and just give the reader a moment to inspect the environment might be useful. Besides from that, great job.

And those Agori seem AWFULLY familiar...

[Indigo Individual]

I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. I'm not sure if I have to follow the BZPRPG to know which character is who or what their background is, but so far I've got a sort of alright idea of what's going on. This has a lot of potential and I'm interested to see how the Mystix will be weaving in with the whole situation.

Just one thing I might add is that I think you should add a little bit more description to your chapters. They're all fairly short and move by so quickly, I think a few moments to sit down and just give the reader a moment to inspect the environment might be useful. Besides from that, great job.

And those Agori seem AWFULLY familiar...

I wrote this chapter a few days ago, so you can't imply I'm copying with the Agori.
And, yes, I'm going to go into more detail after the twist. Ah shoot, I gave away a spoiler. Alright everyone, you know there'll be a twist now, get over it.

You don't need to know BZPRPG to know who the characters are, seeing as this is a completely different timeline. And the Agori aren't BZIII, nor is a new character who'll be coming in post-twist.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I'm liking what I'm seeing so far. I'm not sure if I have to follow the BZPRPG to know which character is who or what their background is, but so far I've got a sort of alright idea of what's going on. This has a lot of potential and I'm interested to see how the Mystix will be weaving in with the whole situation.

Just one thing I might add is that I think you should add a little bit more description to your chapters. They're all fairly short and move by so quickly, I think a few moments to sit down and just give the reader a moment to inspect the environment might be useful. Besides from that, great job.

And those Agori seem AWFULLY familiar...

I wrote this chapter a few days ago, so you can't imply I'm copying with the Agori.
And, yes, I'm going to go into more detail after the twist. Ah shoot, I gave away a spoiler. Alright everyone, you know there'll be a twist now, get over it.

You don't need to know BZPRPG to know who the characters are, seeing as this is a completely different timeline. And the Agori aren't BZIII, nor is a new character who'll be coming in post-twist.

'Twas only in jest. I'm pretty sure I copied the Vortixx from somewhere. I just can't remember, my mind's something of a kleptomaniac.

Dun dun dun, plot twist! I'm so there!

[Indigo Individual]

Okay, I've figured the plot twist will be sometime in the next few chapters. As you can probably guess, it will involve the 'paradox disk' referred to previously.

[fishers64]

*reads continuing chapters*

Interesting. Have to hand it to you on the characterization and plot structure - it is almost funny in its absurdity.

Random Question: Which Toa's element is which. Proditor is air, but his elemental power propels him through water? And Pirok is a Toa of Fire...not Time? Oh well. Still, I like Incommodo the Shady and Otherwise Interesting.

And the Mystix seem to be rather...uninteligent...is that what you were going for, mock-epic style? I thought it was more that these species were a serious threat that the characters don't know about yet that they were going to have some epic difficult struggle to stop. The Mystix are supposed to be a dangerous race of the night, and yet they are so...silly, in a way. It's kind of weird. I like the absurdity, but it sells them short in the most recent chapter, IMO.

[Indigo Individual]

As for the Mystix' idiocy, that's just in the majority. There are some intelligemt Mystix (who will crop up later) but the majority are imbeciles. Remember, in the story, the Mystix were the GBs' first attempt, so they wouldn't be incredibly intelligent (they wouldn't want to risk an uprising).

Pirok is fire, Proditor is Air, Incommodo is magnetism, Ignotus is also magnetism, and Aru is water.

[Wotsiznaim]

Ah, the plot thickens!

This chapter was quite short, to be honest, but it means quick reading I guess. It had a nice chunk of story development towards the end, though, which kind of made up for it.

Do those two Agori have names? And what does Ignotus want the Paradox disk for? Will Zar make a brief cameo? Only time will tell...

[Indigo Individual]

Ah, the plot thickens!

This chapter was quite short, to be honest, but it means quick reading I guess. It had a nice chunk of story development towards the end, though, which kind of made up for it.

Do those two Agori have names? And what does Ignotus want the Paradox disk for? Will Zar make a brief cameo? Only time will tell...

The plot does indeed thicken.

I know the chapter was a bit short, but I thought the story development would make up for it.

The two Agori do have names, which will be revealed later. The reason Ignotus wants the Paradox Disk for will be revealed soon. Zar probably won't make a cameo.

[Wotsiznaim]

That Matoran was a bit of a cheap plot device, wasn't he? I think you should have put more time into developing/describing that Matoran rather than just pulling it out of nowhere and just go "Boom! Magic Matoran!"
Other than that, good stuff.

[Indigo Individual]

That Matoran was a bit of a cheap plot device, wasn't he? I think you should have put more time into developing/describing that Matoran rather than just pulling it out of nowhere and just go "Boom! Magic Matoran!"
Other than that, good stuff.

That Matoran had existed beforehand. There'll be more explanation about him later.
I understand it seems a bit cheap at the moment, though.

[fishers64]

That new quote in your sig does not appear in the story currently. Was that intentional, am I missing something, or is it a legit mistake?

Like the rest so far.

[Indigo Individual]

As for the signature, I tend to put a quote from the next chapter into it. So you'll be seeing that in the next chapter.

Good to know.

[Wotsiznaim]

Aw, come one, a cliffhanger? I wanna know now!

That chapter was certainly an interesting one. But why was there a Paradox disk on the floor by Pirok and Incy? I think I missed something.

In any case, nice story development going on, left me wanting to know what happened Although, like the other chapters, it does go by a bit fast.

[Indigo Individual]

A cliff-hanger, leading up to the aforementioned plot twist.

Because Incommodo had the original Paradox Disk.

I suppose my writing style causes it to go by quickly.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Ooh, looks like something's going down with the paradox disc.

Vorex seemed oddly melancholy. I wonder what's got him in a bad mood. No paradoxes to munch on?

[Indigo Individual]

Indeed, Automaton, indeed.

We're talking about the same cave-dwelling creature who disturbs the proper course of time, aren't we? Were you expecting him to be cheerful? To send Laz away with a pat on the back and a bar of chocolate?
Yes, Vorex is melancholy.

[Wotsiznaim]

Ah yes, another Shadows chapter (I am genuinely drinking a cup of tea here by the way )

This was quite nicely written. I liked the metaphor about the game of chess (reminds me of Sylvestor McCoy's last season on Doctor Who somewhat). I assume what happened is the Paradox created a universe where the Mystix controlled the universe? And that the Matoran described is the one with all of time and space in his head?

In any case, the story's really started to get interesting now, good work.

[Indigo Individual]

I like tea a bit, but I always thought that emoticon was drinking coffee.

Not giving away any spoilers, except:

Spoiler

You're spot-on with both those guesses.

Thankyou for the comparison with DW.

Thanks. FYI, the new Paradox Disk was the aforementioned plot-twist.

[Wotsiznaim]

Right, now I'm confused.

So at the beginning of the story, when Kraal followed Aru out of the cave, was that him about to kill her? I don't think that was ever explained, so I'm guessing this is the explanation.

And when Ignotus killed the alternate universe version of himself, he wasn't killing himself in the past, was he? Because that would be a paradox in itself. So he created an alternate universe with an alternate version of everyone, so does that mean there's two Kraals or something? I'm completely lost.

[Indigo Individual]

Right, now I'm confused.

So at the beginning of the story, when Kraal followed Aru out of the cave, was that him about to kill her? I don't think that was ever explained, so I'm guessing this is the explanation.

And when Ignotus killed the alternate universe version of himself, he wasn't killing himself in the past, was he? Because that would be a paradox in itself. So he created an alternate universe with an alternate version of everyone, so does that mean there's two Kraals or something? I'm completely lost.

Okay, I'll explain this:
The idea is that Aru was killed before she could go to Makuta, so they were never in the cave.
And Ignotus didn't create a paradox by killing his alternate self, it means there's only one Ignotus there now. There aren't any character duplicates.

I hope this clears things up for you.

[King Joe]

So I finally decided to read your epic.
And there is only one word to describe it.

Epic.

It is a very epic epic.

I especially loved all the Doctor Who references throughout, not to mention the fact it's a wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey story in and of itself. I look forward to future chapters. You have a very good writing style, I really loved the exchange between Pirok and Incommodo at Pirok's front door. Keep up the good work.

[Wotsiznaim]

So there was only another Ignotus?

Anyway, the latest chapters bloody genius. I love complex stuff, especially when I don't understand it! XD

[Indigo Individual]

So I finally decided to read your epic.
And there is only one word to describe it.

Epic.

It is a very epic epic.

I especially loved all the Doctor Who references throughout, not to mention the fact it's a wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey story in and of itself. I look forward to future chapters. You have a very good writing style, I really loved the exchange between Pirok and Incommodo at Pirok's front door. Keep up the good work.

I was hoping it would be suitably epic for an epic. Thanks for the compliment on my writing style too, and I really enjoy writing conversations between Pirok and Inc. There's a line that I'm considering using, but I'm not sure if it would be allowed.

So there was only another Ignotus?

Anyway, the latest chapters bloody genius. I love complex stuff, especially when I don't understand it! XD

Yep, Ignotus was the only one who went back and was in his own past (but in an alternate universe).

Complexity is complex when it has suitable complexness. (FYI, 'complexness' is not a word)

Thanks for the 'bloody genius' comment. I've been looking forward to that.

What do y'all think of the narrator himself speaking up?

[King Joe]

Bloody genius.

[Indigo Individual]

Er... King Joe, I think that counts as spam. XD

But, if it's about the narrator speaking, thanks.

[King Joe]

Er... King Joe, I think that counts as spam. XD

But, if it's about the narrator speaking, thanks.

Yeah, it was about the narrator speaking. Sorry I didn't make that more clear.

[Indigo Individual]

It's okay, I was just pointing that out.

[King Joe]

New Chapter: Okay, Vorex is evil. Before I had only seen him as a poor guy who had paradox powers that was being used for his abilities. Now he wants to eat the universe. TWO VILLAINS! GENIUS!

[Indigo Individual]

Just two villains? Forgetting Laz, are we?

Anyhow, yes, Vorex is very much evil. He's the big-bad, the one manipulating everything from behind-the-scenes.