Posted May 11 2012 - 03:58 PM
How to Be a Hero
Not Responsible For Awesomeness Overloads
Chapter 16 – The Void, Part 2
iBrow Comedy Productions
Capture the Flag, Round 1:
Furno: Alright guys, I gotta say, those last three losses were pretty humiliating.
Bulk: You guys aren’t listening to me.
Furno: We’ve been playing for twenty minutes. Evo, you need to speak English. None of us can understand you, and Kopaka is awful at defense.
Furno: Don’t even start!
Bulk: Evo could speak French if you’d listen to me.
Rocka: Perhaps I should lead the team. Furno seems to be doing a right awful job.
Hahli: Give him a break! It was your fault we lost Game 2, Rocka!
Rocka: How was I supposed to know Hewkii found the hammer?!
Furno: For the love of all that is-
Furno: -... who was that?
Rocka: Who was who?
???: Heheheh... can you hear me Furno...?
Furno: Um, yes.
Rocka: Who are you talking to?
Furno: Don’t you hear the really weird and creepy voice too?
Bulk: Knock him out. We’ll have to win Game 4 without him.
Furno: Wait! No!
Rocka: I’m not really sure why my fist makes that noise, but that’s fine.
Three Seconds Later:
Furno: Rocka, you little- wait, what?
???: Ah, finally.
Furno: Why am I see-through?
???: It’s called being transparent, stupid.
Furno: Who’re- Surge?!
Surge: Welcome back honey. Now we get serious.
Furno: ...I’m hallucinating.
Surge: Why? Are you doing drugs?
Furno: Well, not really, but there’s no other reason why I would be seeing and talking to dead people.
Surge: Just give me a few minutes to explain- but first, we need to go to Purgatory.
Furno: Purga-nope. Not going! Give me my body back!
Surge: It’s your fault I’m dead, dude. Think about what the wisest choice for you might be right now.
Furno: ...I hate my life.
Surge: And guess what? I’ve hated my death. So I guess we’re about to be even.
Surge: Let’s go, old friend.
And thus Surge proceeded to shove Furno to the ground, where he passed through. He fell for what seemed like several hours (though it was just a few seconds) and then landed feet-first (despite having been falling on his back) on gray, drab ground.
Furno: Where are we?
Surge: Welcome to Purgatory, you old factory fart.
Furno: That was a really sad attempt at an insult.
Surge: You know, it’s kind of surprising I guess, but I REALLY don’t care. All I know is that it’s your fault I’m dead, and I’m bringing you to justice.
Furno: What?! Since when do dead people come back to life and drag the living into the nether?!
Surge: This isn’t the Nether, shuck-face. It’s Purgatory. Trust me, there’s a big difference.
Surge: You see, in Purgatory everything is in shades of gray and terribly boring. In the Nether, there’s lava everywhere and everything is a different shade of orange or red. And also there’s the Ghasts, Magma Cubes, Zombie Pigmen, and Blazes that keep things interesting. Here in Purgatory, you just deal with eternal boredom.
Furno: I see.
Surge: I’ve lived in Purgatory for the past several months, got fed up with my lot in Death, and went to see the Council about bringing you in for justice.
Surge: Yep. The four guys who rule over the four different areas of the afterlife.
Furno: Those being...
Surge: Well, from the supposed top to bottom, there’s the Nether where all the griefers go; there’s the Underwhere, where bad-ish and neutral-ish people go; and there’s the Overthere, where all the lollipop good kids go.
Furno: And Purgatory?
Surge: For those who led boring to death lives and also those who have just died and need to be categorized.
Furno: Somehow this isn’t what I expected the Afterlife to be.
Surge: What DID you expect, numb nuts?
Furno: ... never mind.
Surge: Come on- you’re lucky, you little squeamish punk. You’re about to be the seventh living being to ever meet the Council.
Furno: Gee, I feel SO lucky...
Meanwhile, on the field:
Tahu: ROCKA! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT KNOCKING YOUR OWN TEAM MATES OUT?!
Rocka: Necessary sir! He was hearing things! Think that’s why we were losing!
Tahu: WHATEVER, I DON’T ACTUALLY CARE! JUST FREAKING WIN, GEEZ! YOU GUYS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE WINNING THE TOURNAMENT, NOT LOSING THE FIRST ROUND!
Rocka: ...Furno’s fault.
Bulk: Meet you at the tactics table.
Rocka: Already there.
Hahli: There you two are. Alright, so Hewkii obviously has the hammer, and has been beating us practically by himself the past two games.
Rocka: He’s mine.
Hahli: But Evo-
Rocka: No. I have Hewkii- I think I might’ve found the sniper meteor blaster. With this scope right here, I’ll take him down.
Kopaka: Your helmet has a function?
Rocka: Yeah. Heat seeking.
Makuta: And here I thought you were just trying to imitate Kopaka and Nuju.
Makuta: Hey, it’s not my fault. Just ask any Bionicle fan.
Hahli: Alright, so Rocka has Hewkii. Rocka, you’re gonna have to be fast, because they outnumber us by two now.
Rocka: Oh man, this is not good...
Bulk: Rocka has just realized that only two other Capture the Flag teams have won when they had six or less players or were down two.
Makuta: ...the last team to do so?
Bulk: Roughly six years ago.
Hahli: We can’t think about that right now! If we can pull off what I have planned, we’ll be able to beat them.
Bulk: Four games in a row?
Hahli: I’m taking it one game at a time.
Rocka: Wait a minute, I’m supposed to be the leader!
Evo: Ô pour l'amour de tout ce qui est bien dans le monde, juste la laisser être le leader!
Kopaka: He says let Hahli be the leader.
Rocka: The French is getting old really fast dude. Be careful I don’t have to sniper you by accident.
Hahli: Anyway, Rocka, once you’ve taken out Hewkii, you’re going to have to get Macku within seconds, or else we’re going to have a repeat of Game 1.
*Insert Flashback to Game 1*
Furno: Take THAT, Hewkii!
Hewkii: Urk, I am out of this game!
*End Flashback to Game 1*
Rocka: Got it.
Hahli: Evo and Kopaka, you two are going to have to work together.
Hahli: Unfortunately, you’re going to have to be the ones taking out Xplode and Thunder.
Makuta: Phew, I don’t get the boring guys this time!
Hahli: That’s because you get two guys to yourself Makuta.
Makuta: ABSOLUTELY SPIFFING.
Hahli: You’re going to get the Pilot and Stringer.
Makuta: Oh god, please not Stringer. His speech is going to murder me.
Hahli: That leaves me and Bulk- Bulk, you’re going to try and get their flag, which I expect they’ll have guarded by either Jaller or Nuparu.
Bulk: For your sake, I’m going to pray that I get Jaller.
Hahli: It’s the way the world works... let’s go!
Meanwhile, in Purgatory:
Surge: Council, as requested I have brought Furno in for questioning.
Council Member 1: Verrrry nice.
Council Member 2: You have done well Surrrrrge.
Council Member 3: Exceptionally well, if I might add, herrrrro.
Council Member 4: Fasterrrr than even Brrrrrutaka was!
Furno: Why do they all mispronounce their ‘r’s?
Surge: To be honest, I have no freaking clue.
To Be Continued!
Want to watch the Capture the Flag tournament? If so, say so in your reply to this chapter and I’ll write a miniseries on it!