Posted Jan 05 2012 - 08:54 PM
Your sweet and weary head.
Tahu sat on the beach, his eyes watching the water closely. It resembled Ga-Wahi, and the nostalgia he experienced when he saw the lapping waves never ceased to calm him. As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad. Fighting the Bohrok. Defeating the Bohrok-Kal. Watching Ta-Koro burn. Guiding the Matoran to Metru Nui. Getting defeated by the Piraka. Fighting the Makuta. Saving the universe, only to discover they battled for their worst enemy. Truly saving the universe, and listening to the great spirit’s last words.
Night is falling,
You’ve come to journey's end.
It had been many centuries since the defeat of Teridax, and the Agori and Matoran were content and happy. A new age was coming. And Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age. His usefulness had come and passed. He was tired, and he knew that he must stop his heroics, but he did not wish for it to be so. He did not want change.
And dream of the ones who came before.
As Tahu sat, throwing rocks into the water, Pohatu walked up to him. Neither of them talked. They were thinking. Thinking about what had been here before them, about how time is a never ending cycle. After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…” “I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen.” Tahu snapped.
They are calling
From across the distant shore.
Pohatu remained silent for a few minutes. “That’s not what I was going to say.” He said in his non-reproachful manner. “Do you remember, Vakama, Tahu?” He asked. Tahu nodded. The Turaga had been his mentor. The day that he had been put in stasis, Tahu had cried like he never did before. “Do you remember the last thing he said?” He asked. Tahu nodded once more, a single tear falling down his cheek. “ Never live thinking of yourself, Tahu. Live your life thinking and serving others.” Tahu repeated. He had memorized the saying.
Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Pohatu nodded. “I understand your pain. None of us wish to be put in that accursed sleep. But we must.” Said Pohatu. “It is the only way.” Tahu nodded. “We are toa. The only thoughts we think are Unity, Duty, and Destiny.” He said stonily. “That is what we were taught, brother.” Said Pohatu with a sigh. “Personally, my thoughts are occupied by love and happiness as well as the three virtues. Oh, and Kolhii. Lots of Kolhii.” Said Pohatu with a smile. Tahu half-laughed. “Even with only moments of life left, your thoughts are occupied with that sport.”
Soon you will see,
All of your fears will pass away.
Pohatu smiled. “It is better than thinking of what I could have done.” He said. Tahu nodded. “Brother…” “Yes?” “Will we dream in there?” Tahu asked. “Yes brother. All intelligent beings dream, no matter where the are, or what their physical state is.” Tahu nodded once more, another tear running down his face. “Are you scared?” He asked. Pohatu nodded. “Of course. We all are. I simply mask my fear with cheerful talk.” He said, his eyes losing their twinkle as he sketched in the sand with a finger.
Safe in my arms,
You're only sleeping.
“We all cope differently.” Spoke Tahu. Pohatu nodded. “Remember brother, no matter what happens, we are kin. Nothing in the world can change that fact. No matter what happens to our bodies, our spirits shall live on, rejoicing together.” He said, choking on tears as soon as he finished. Tahu, wiping a lone tear from his cheek, spoke. “We shall leave these shells. Currently, we are sleeping, soon, we will be awake.”
What can you see
On the horizon?
A minute passed, both of their eyes clouded with memories. “A new age…” Murmured Tahu. “Yes… New protectors shall rise, old shall fall, and the Matoran will record are actions always, making sure that their great heroes are never forgotten.” Finished Pohatu. “It’s funny, isn’t it?” Asked Tahu. “The Matoran, so small and so timid, can become great heroes…” He said. “I remember when I first met Jaller, and noted how brave he was for his size. I had no idea that great things come in any size.” Pohatu nodded at the comment, his own memories drifting to the Po-Matorans.
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
A pale moon rises.
A flock of Gukkos flew over the pair, soaring majestically. Both of them sat in silence once more. Twilight had set in, and the moon, beautiful and pale rose from across the sea. It was awe-inspiring.
The ships have come to carry you home.
A few gray sailing ships were appearing on the horizon, gracefully moving among the waves. As the neared, Tahu sighed. He had spotted to other four on the boats.
And all will turn
To silver glass.
A light on the water…
All souls pass.
The ships carefully docked a few hundred yards down the dock from them, waiting expectantly. Tahu got up slowly, his body creaking with age. Walking across the sands with Pohatu, Tahu, forgetting the moment, smiled at the moonlight on the waves, mesmerized by the scene of natural beauty. Approaching the docks, Tahu and Pohatu, checked their weapon sheathes, making sure they appeared fine. Boarding the larger ship, Tahu nodded at many familiar faces. The other four were there, faces all tear-stained, except for Kopaka, who, as usual, was being reserved. Axxon, the mighty warrior, was there as well, sitting next to, and talking to Lariska, a ex-dark hunter and now-retired OOMN member. Tahu nodded at both of them, taking a seat next to Gali and Lewa.
Into the world of night.
Lewa, cheery as always, attempted to strike up conversation. “So, what do you think-expect the “Big one” will be?” He asked. Tahu stared at him blankly. “You know, the reason the Matoran shall awake us?” He finished. Tahu laughed. “Probably, someone will lose a Kolhii ball.” He laughed. “Or forget how to tie-fast a certain type of knot.” joined in Lewa. Suddenly, a third voice broke into the conversation. “Or they misplace a fishing net.” Gali said with a tear-stained smile. The three laughed, forgetting the sadness of the situation to have fun. Suddenly, breaking the mood, Kopaka spoke up. “The Island’s lights are out of view.” He said, motioning with his hand. Everyone looked, surprised at how dark it had gotten.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.
“Reminds me of that dark-scary cave Kini-Nui.” Remarked Lewa. Tahu nodded. “At least no Mana have appeared.” He said. “Or shadow-clones.” Added Gali. “Happy-fun memories.” smirked Lewa. Suddenly, a voice called out. “Land-ho!” A Matoran called.
Don't say: “We have come now to the end”.
Tahu and others cast fearful glances at the small Island ahead of them. It was covered in a large research facility, glass and metal. The boat docked, and all of them got out. A small Toa in medical-outfit walked up to the eight, hands behind his back. “I trust you all know what to do?” He asked. They all nodded. “Then follow me.” And with that, he lead them into a large, bland room. Inside the room, eight statis-chamber tubes rested, ready to be used. Tahu sighed as he stepped into one.
White shores are calling,
You and I will meet again.
As the others got ready, a familiar memory interrupted his thoughts. A white, calm beach. A toa canister, broken open. He was back on the beach. He was about to reach for his sword when it all went dark.
And you'll be here in my arms…
The doctor sighed as he turned the lever, watching the tubes fill with the chemicals, knowing that the Heroes would probably never awake, unless they were needed to destroy some new threat. Pressing a button on his converser’s controls, a familiar voice spoke. “Yes, doctor?” A female matoran spoke. “It’s over.”
And all will turn
To silver glass…
Taking one last look at the sleeping beings, he said something unusually sentimental. “You, our elders, saved our planet. Here’s to the hope that we, the current generation, can manage to take care of it.”
A light on the water,
Grey ships pass…
Into the West.
Inside the test tube, Tahu dreamed. He dreamed of being on that beach, sitting on the sand, and gazing into the water.
(Song by Annie Lennox, I do not own this song)
Posted Jan 17 2012 - 06:46 PM
I'm not the best at reviewing, but I'll do my best.
It resembled Ga-Wahi, and the nostalgia he experienced when he saw the lapping waves never ceased to calm him. As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.
I liked the imagery here. Over all you did a good job keeping charactors constant though out the story too.
Posted Jan 19 2012 - 03:44 PM
Posted Jan 19 2012 - 09:54 PM
Posted Jan 20 2012 - 11:50 AM
Posted Jan 24 2012 - 02:47 AM
Next I'd like to mention the plot. You have chosen an incredibly strong, moving plot, and I commend you for that. However, unfortunately for you, that also means I'm going to come down harder on you. =P I loved the plot as a whole; the idea of them going into stasis, leaving the world behind and all that; it was great. However, being one that loves emotions, I think you could have gone farther. Yes, you did great with the emotions that you did detail, but I still would like to see more. More of Tahu/Pohatu/etc. inner thoughts and feelings. Not just what are they talking about, but what are they feeling on the inside? What don't they want to talk about? Or, maybe not that they don't want to, but simply that they don't. Obviously no one says everything they think, so what do they think about this but aren't saying? Just a few questions to help you out with that, because as I said (and you'll find me repeating this because I am quite serious) you have a great plot and a great opportunity to just dive into their emotions, into their very minds. Just imagine yourself as each one of them (doesn't have to be canon -- this is fiction, after all), and what would you be thinking, then? What would your heart be burning with/for? Would you be sad, angry, happy, etc., and why? Not just that you are sad or whatever, but why are you sad? What makes it so sad? What will you miss? Why will you miss those things? And same with the other emotions. What makes you happy? Why? Et cetera.
Another thing I wanted to mention quickly is why exactly do they have to go? I know you said that their usefulness has run its course, but still, why must they go? What's wrong with just having Toa around even if they aren't fighting things all the time?
Anyway, back to what I was going to get to next: You had a couple great instances of description/imagery -- one of the previous posters point out one of those. But, I again still would have liked to see a little more. Not much, but just a little. Maybe describe the ocean, the land that Tahu is on, what he sees ahead, etc. Again, not very much, but just a couple more sentences here and there.
And now for a few things I'd like to point out:
As he sat, memories floated into his mind. Both good and bad.
Personally I would change this to "As he sat, memories floated into his mind; memories both good and bad." Or something like that, anyway. Of course it's completely up to you, but I feel "Both good and bad." isn't a good sentence by itself.
A new age was coming. And Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age.
Should be: "A new age was coming, and Tahu knew his destiny was not a part of this age."
After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…” “I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen.” Tahu snapped.
Okay, couple of things. First, simple grammar for quotes in general. Whenever someone speaks it should be separated from the main paragraph (here, you should have begun a new "paragraph" [in other words, spaced down as you would for a new paragraph] with "after a long silence"). Also, whenever two different people speak, those should also be separated. See the example below. Furthermore, whenever you end dialogue with "s/he said" (or any variation thereof, e.g. "Tahu snapped."), the punctuation inside the quotation mark should be a comma instead of a period (if it's a question mark/exclamation point, leave it), and the next word should be uncapitalized (unless it's a name, obviously -- e.g. if you had put "he snapped" instead of "Tahu snapped" then you would leave it as "he snapped" rather than "He snapped").
tl;dr: here's what the above should be:
After a long silence, Pohatu spoke. “Tahu…”
“I know. I should be happy. I should be content. I am not. I yearn for the times before, and my torture continues through my knowledge that this will never happen,” Tahu snapped.
Next thing I wanted to bring up is the first bold part above. "I am not" should be changed to "But I am not."
And, lastly, for the second bold part, "snapped" is not a proper word here. Snapping implies that, well, he snapped. As in, a quick, sharp reply. His reply, however, was over a line long and quite wordy. If he had just said "I know" then you could use "he snapped."
Anyway, I won't point out the quotation errors again, as they happen every time, but just keep in mind what I said earlier: separate dialogue, keep the "s/he said" uncapitalized (even with a question mark/exclamation point), and make periods inside the quotation a comma (only if you continue after with some variation of "s/he said"). If you have any questions, feel free to ask, and I can try to explain it better. =]
“Do you remember, Vakama, Tahu?” He asked.
The first comma isn't necessary. And, while I'm at it, the whole thing should be:
"Do you remember Vakama, Tahu?" he asked.
“That is what we were taught, brother.” Said Pohatu with a sigh. “Personally, my thoughts are occupied by love and happiness as well as the three virtues. Oh, and Kolhii. Lots of Kolhii.” Said Pohatu with a smile.
Here, you say almost the same thing just two sentences apart from each other: "Said Pohatu with a__" Now, separating dialogue would null the need to say that, as it'll then be clear that Pohatu is saying both of those things. The second "Said Pohatu" could then be turned into something like simply "He smiled." Though, both are a little awkward, and I'd recommend maybe rewording both of them (to simply "he sighed" and "he said, smiling" or something).
I simply mask my fear with cheerful talk.”
"Cheerful talk" sounds too formal for dialogue. Think of yourself having this conversation, what would you say? Probably not cheerful talk, but rather something like "I simply mask my fear with cheerful thoughts" or "...fear with jokes" or something. Just the "cheerful" and "talk" together don't sound quite natural.
As the neared, Tahu sighed. He had spotted to other four on the boats.
1: "the" should be "they"
2: Not quite sure what you mean by your second sentence. "He had spotted the other four on the boats"? Even so, I'd change the wording; not quite clear and doesn't flow well.
“So, what do you think-expect the “Big one” will be?” He asked.
"Big one" should be 'Big one' quotation wise -- quotation within a quotation you use the single ones. Also, you should either capitalize both "big" and "one" or leave both uncapitalized.
“Probably, someone will lose a Kolhii ball.” He laughed.
Anyway, other than that, you did a good job with this story. As I said earlier, it is a very interesting plot, and I was not disappointed. The only reason I gave so much critique was because the plot really was good, and as such I want this story to be the best it can be, which I know it can be given just a little more effort.
Keep writing! I look forward to seeing more.
"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender
Posted Jan 24 2012 - 01:27 PM
First off, I really need to work on my grammar, which was terrible in this story.
Second, I'm glad you liked it. I was afraid that the plot wouldn't be loved, but apparently, it's okay.
Posted Jan 26 2012 - 01:45 PM
Posted Jan 26 2012 - 05:04 PM
And then you four went and posted.
And thank you, Ranubis, for your very, very kind review. Also, thank you for realizing what I was mimicing through out the story, 2010, end of bionicle.
This was so well recepted, I might actually write another short story.
Posted Feb 24 2012 - 09:07 PM
"Whatever you are, be a good one."- Abraham Lincoln
"Do, or do not. There is no try." - Grand Master Yoda
http://www.bzpower.c...c=9733&p=547065(New) My BZPower RPG profiles. (YESSSSS!!! I FINALLY FOUND IT!!)
http://www.bzpower.c...ic=413&p=486071 Yay, my IoP guys are here now, finally!
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Posted Feb 24 2012 - 10:06 PM
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