2 replies to this topic

[spyder ryder]

Hello. This is the review for Realm of Darkness, something I've been working on for a while. Despite getting off to a rocky start, (Mainly posting it in the wrong forum) I hope that it entertains you.


http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=3082

Edited by spyder ryder, Jan 26 2012 - 11:21 PM.

[Replicant]

That... That was amazing.

The imagery is nigh-perfection, the writing style is superb, and I have a feeling that the plot will be just as good.

With out a doubt, a will be keeping an eye on this.

[TNTOS]

ECC Charity Review:

Let me start by saying that this fic is really good. I mean really good. The description is wonderfully detailed, while at the same time not boring or filled with unnecessary clutter. I can easily imagine everything you describe for the readers, which is good.

The characters are also well-developed and distinct. My favorite so far is probably Vezon, partly due to his love for Roodaka, partly because I think this is the best non-Comedy version of Vezon I have ever seen. He feels just like how he appears in the canon, which is cool because it can be hard to remain accurate to canon characters' personalities while putting them in new situations.

The plot seems pretty interesting so far. Karzahni wants revenge on Teridax, so he kidnaps the person Teridax loves. I imagine, if you'd continued this, that the plot would have gotten more and more interesting, if these first two chapters are any indication.

Your spelling and grammar are pretty good. The only spelling error I noticed was this one here, in the first chapter:

During their skirmish on Marhi Nui, Teridax had beaten him.

It's Mahri Nui, not Marhi Nui.

I also noticed some dialogue tag mistakes that make the fic a bit confusing to read at times. Take this scene here from Chapter 1:

"A Toa, one called Galigee." A puzzled look appeared on Karzahni's mask.

"A Toa? What are you talking about, Wyrm?" The Matoran beckoned for him to follow.

"Let me show you." Karzahni followed the hobbling Matoran.

The way it is written currently makes it sound like Karzahni is the one telling the Matoran about GaliGee, even though it's supposed to be the other way around. Try writing it like this instead:

"A Toa, one called Galigee."

A puzzled look appearanced on Karzahni's mask. "A Toa? What are you talking about, Wyrm?"

The Matoran beckoned for him to follow. "Let me show you."

Karzahni followed the hobbling Matoran.

That's just an example, but hopefully you get the idea. It's a lot clearer as to who is telling who about what.

I noticed you did it again a little later on here:

"What is it?" The Matoran sat at his chair and moved the tape-covered mouse.

"It's called BZPower. I'm pretty sure it stands for Bionicle Zone Power.” Karzahni glared at the machine.

Again, it sounds like Karzahni is explaining BZP to the Matoran, even though the context makes it clear it is the other way around. Here's an example of what an improved version might look like:

Karzahni glared at the machine. "What is it?"

The Matoran sat at his chair and moved the tape-covered mouse. "It's called BZPower. I'm prety sure it stands for Bionicle Zone Power."

See? So much clearer.

Another thing that puzzles me is your use of Galigee and her characters and, from the looks of it, her whole universe. Did you get permission from Galigee to do this? If not, I'm quite puzzled as to why you're writing a fanfic about her universe. I guess it's not a big deal, as most fanfiction is done without the explicit permission of the original author or creator, but a fanfic of a fanfic just seems weird to me, so whatever.

Overall, this epic is very good, even with only two chapters. I wish you'd continued it because it's clear to me you could have gone places with it and earned your name as one of BZP's best authors. I'd definitely follow it if you ever decide to continue it.

Keep on writing!

-TNTOS-