Edited by spyder ryder, Jan 26 2012 - 11:21 PM.
Review For Realm Of Darkness
Posted Jan 26 2012 - 11:19 PM
Posted Jan 27 2012 - 12:51 PM
Posted Nov 13 2012 - 10:44 AM
It's Mahri Nui, not Marhi Nui.I also noticed some dialogue tag mistakes that make the fic a bit confusing to read at times. Take this scene here from Chapter 1:
During their skirmish on Marhi Nui, Teridax had beaten him.
The way it is written currently makes it sound like Karzahni is the one telling the Matoran about GaliGee, even though it's supposed to be the other way around. Try writing it like this instead:
"A Toa, one called Galigee." A puzzled look appeared on Karzahni's mask."A Toa? What are you talking about, Wyrm?" The Matoran beckoned for him to follow."Let me show you." Karzahni followed the hobbling Matoran.
A puzzled look appearanced on Karzahni's mask. "A Toa? What are you talking about, Wyrm?"The Matoran beckoned for him to follow. "Let me show you."Karzahni followed the hobbling Matoran.That's just an example, but hopefully you get the idea. It's a lot clearer as to who is telling who about what.I noticed you did it again a little later on here:
"A Toa, one called Galigee."
Again, it sounds like Karzahni is explaining BZP to the Matoran, even though the context makes it clear it is the other way around. Here's an example of what an improved version might look like:
"What is it?" The Matoran sat at his chair and moved the tape-covered mouse."It's called BZPower. I'm pretty sure it stands for Bionicle Zone Power.” Karzahni glared at the machine.
The Matoran sat at his chair and moved the tape-covered mouse. "It's called BZPower. I'm prety sure it stands for Bionicle Zone Power."See? So much clearer.Another thing that puzzles me is your use of Galigee and her characters and, from the looks of it, her whole universe. Did you get permission from Galigee to do this? If not, I'm quite puzzled as to why you're writing a fanfic about her universe. I guess it's not a big deal, as most fanfiction is done without the explicit permission of the original author or creator, but a fanfic of a fanfic just seems weird to me, so whatever.Overall, this epic is very good, even with only two chapters. I wish you'd continued it because it's clear to me you could have gone places with it and earned your name as one of BZP's best authors. I'd definitely follow it if you ever decide to continue it.Keep on writing!-TNTOS-
Karzahni glared at the machine. "What is it?"
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