The Origin Of Kirop
Review my epic here.
The Origin Of Kirop- Review Topic
Started by
Chuck the Toa of crazyness
, Jan 30 2012 09:40 PM
2 replies to this topic
#1
Chuck the Toa of crazyness
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- 184 posts
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Toa
#2
Devorath
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Toa
Posted Feb 02 2012 - 12:38 PM
WOW. I love the way this story is formed. You actually want to get your collection of Makuta and Matoran and act it out. Great Job
Edited by SillyCordak, Feb 02 2012 - 12:40 PM.
#3
Aderia
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- Premier Outstanding BZP Citizens
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Stone Champion Nuva
Posted Nov 10 2012 - 03:47 PM
Hello Chuck =) I have a charity review for your epic here today.
I'm gonna start with the little nitpicks, the grammar or spelling errors that are an easy fix. I've condensed them here for you, since I decided that I hate quote blocks hating me.
Points I want you to take away from the nitpicks are 1)Capitalize proper nouns, like Karda Nui, Mata Nui, etc. 2)When you begin a new paragraph, indent. Since it's not very easy to indent using BZP's text formatting, I like to put a space between paragraphs, and something like "***" between scene changes. [example] 3)Dialog punctuation, see below for details.
That's part of a review that I received a while back, and I often refer back to it, because I couldn't give the advice any better myself.
Another big thing, literally and metaphorically, is the text size you used in your story. It's a bit superficial of me to comment on this, sure, but such a large font struck me as unnecessary. It doesn't really contribute to the story or serve for dramatic effect. In all honestly, it makes the story look as though you know it's too short and are trying to make it look longer. There's nothing wrong with the default font setting.
Since you've only posted one chapter of your epic thus far, there's not much else I can say at this point. Hope to see you around the library some more.
~Aderia
I'm gonna start with the little nitpicks, the grammar or spelling errors that are an easy fix. I've condensed them here for you, since I decided that I hate quote blocks hating me.
Points I want you to take away from the nitpicks are 1)Capitalize proper nouns, like Karda Nui, Mata Nui, etc. 2)When you begin a new paragraph, indent. Since it's not very easy to indent using BZP's text formatting, I like to put a space between paragraphs, and something like "***" between scene changes. [example] 3)Dialog punctuation, see below for details.
"I concur," she said.
"I concur." She spoke fiercely and then ran away.
"I concur," she said, running away.
Before running away, she said, "I concur."
Before running away, she spoke a final time. "I concur."
That's part of a review that I received a while back, and I often refer back to it, because I couldn't give the advice any better myself.
Another big thing, literally and metaphorically, is the text size you used in your story. It's a bit superficial of me to comment on this, sure, but such a large font struck me as unnecessary. It doesn't really contribute to the story or serve for dramatic effect. In all honestly, it makes the story look as though you know it's too short and are trying to make it look longer. There's nothing wrong with the default font setting.
Since you've only posted one chapter of your epic thus far, there's not much else I can say at this point. Hope to see you around the library some more.
~Aderia
Edited by Eponine, Nov 18 2012 - 11:33 PM.
(Aderia)
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