Fallujah

[otter]

Duck. Roll. Shoot. Reload.This was the rhythm going through the soldier's head as he ran through the streets of Fallujah. He tossed aside his empty M16A4 and drew out his M9 Beretta pistol, firing at every rifle that was pointed towards him. He bent down, grabbed an AK-47 on the ground, and rolled away from a hailstorm of bullets. He ran blindly into a small house, tackling one of the Taliban OpFor. They rolled along the floor of the hut, throwing fists at each other. Finally, the soldier managed to pin down his enemy, and he drew his knife. He tried to stab downward at his enemy, but the Taliban fighter grabbed the soldier's wrist with his free arm and held it in place."Will...you...just...freaking...die!" The soldier yelled, distracting the fighter long enough that he could stab him in the throat. Rolling away from the spurt of blood, the solder policed his enemy's ammunition and supplies. Reloading the rifle, and zeroing its sights, the soldier runs across the street, spraying bullets back for every bullet fired at him.Duck. Roll. Shoot. Reload.The same rhythm still going through his mind, the soldier keeps running through the streets. Nearing his exfiltration point, he fires one last burst and drops the rifle.200 meters.100 meters.He was in an all out sprint for life.50 meters.Almost there...25 meters...The soldier stumbles, and stops. He sheds his pack, feeling his back covered in blood. He tries to run again, only to fall to the ground. Rolling over, he sees a squad of Iraqi fighters surrounding him.'So close,' he thinks, as the soldier standing above him starts to pull out his pistol...* * *There, I finally got around to writing a new story, even if it is in the COT forum. Well, tell me if you like it or not.

Edited February 1, 2012 by Kal Grochi

[Zaxvo]

Hey, it's Zaxvo from the Short Stories Critics Club! Your short story has been randomly selected for a free review! Put simply, this is a well written short scene. You use the tools of a rhythm and a countdown well, and I find that they really enhanced the suspense, especially as the story escalated. The only real problem is that there's very little empathy for any of your characters. They are all faceless, nameless, and apparently motiveless, which makes it quite difficult for the readers to sympathise. Yes, it's a soldier who dies, but we just saw him brutally kill a soldier of the other side. For a story full of violence and little distinction between the two sides except for their names, it's difficult to create sympathy for anyone. Note that I'm talking about this particular story. In the real world, the two sides ARE different. My point is merely that it is difficult to create sympathy for a character for whom there is little to differentiate him from his opponents.Other than that, solidly written short scene. Well done.