Edited by DeltaJets200, Oct 14 2011 - 09:51 AM.
The Legend Of The Toa~~~Review Section
Posted Oct 13 2011 - 10:12 PM
Posted Aug 18 2012 - 09:28 AM
Unless you are referring to multiple beings here, I'd replace "shadows" with the singular "shadow," which rolls off the tongue better and is most likely what you meant, considering you mention legions in the next sentence.Secondly, "legions and massive armies" seems repetitive. Choose one or the other (personally I prefer "legions" because that's fewer words, but just go with what you like).And finally, ellipsis (this ". . .") ought to be space, not written together. Thus, instead of "..." write ". . .". It looks so much better that way.
Until one day, a being of absolute evil set out to conquer the kingdom and overrun it with shadows. With legions and massive armies of monsters at his command, it seemed as if he would succeed…
First: See my criticism of ellipsis above. Applies at the beginning of this paragraph.Second: "Had" is out of place here, considering that this prologue is written in the past tense, not past perfect (I think I got that right). Get rid of it.The exclamation mark at the end of the paragraph seems unnecessary. You usually only use exclamation marks when a character is shouting; otherwise, it just sticks out like a sore thumb. A simple period will do instead.
…but just as all hope had seemed to vanish, a hero of light appeared out of nowhere to challenge the being of absolute darkness. Welding a staff of light and a mask made to banish darkness, he sealed the evil one away and brought peace back to the land!
Like with the last paragraph, a period would work a lot better here than an exclamation mark. There's not any reason to put an exclamation mark here, considering the information being told isn't that exciting or, really, even that important.
The Matoran named this being Toa of Light. His tale was passed down through generations until it became a legend!
You make armor in forges, not from them. That makes it sound like you meant the armor was made out of the best forges, which was probably not your original meaning.Besides that, this sentence would read just fine if you hadn't added the "and weapon of pure might" bit. The way it's currently written, it makes it sound like they are clad in weapons of pure might, which I don't think was what you intended.Here's how a better version of it might look:
Clad in armor made from the best forges, and weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.
Anyway, besides those flaws your paragraphing is generally good and the format is easy on the eye. There aren't that many grammar or spelling problems outside of the few I noticed, really, so you're good there.Overall, it's hard to have an opinion on this story. Considering you only have the prologue -- which gives us nothing but the bare basics of the beginning of the plot -- it's hard to tell if this is going to be a good or bad story. I recommend writing more chapters and posting them so readers will have a better idea of where you intend to take this story, 'cause right now it's impossible to tell if this is a good or bad story.So my advice to you is keep on writing, which you unfortunately seemed to have stopped doing. I know it can hard to do when no one seems to be reading, but if you keep writing you'll eventually get some readers. I know you will.-TNTOS-
Clad in armor made in the best forges and equipped with weapons of pure might, they set out to dispel evil from the world.
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