32 replies to this topic

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Well, this is the review topic for my new epic, Into the Darkness.

I'd be rather happy if you would leave any constructive criticism here, so that I can learn what to work on,but hey, if you just want to try and make yourself a character in the story I'm happy with that too.

Review away!

Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 16 2012 - 01:34 AM.

[Floridian Citrus]

Awesome so far! I just have one thing: Were are they? Now I know that you'll probably explain more with other parts, but thats just the first thing that popped into my mind.

I wanna be a character

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Give me a description, and I already plan to name them Onuzek, so that won't change at all.

And they're in a large island near the Northern Continent, called Aki-Nui, or "The Great Valor." I like to think of it as the place where Lhikan Might have come from, haha.

Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 16 2012 - 01:50 AM.

[Floridian Citrus]

Hm.... description, eh?

*Points to banner in sig*

The Onuzek profile should be good.

That sounds like a good place to have an epic, we really don't see much of the NC.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Yep, I figured it would be a nice setting for some writing.

[Floridian Citrus]

Yay! New chapter. Awesomesauce. :3

Onuzek = Epic

Chapter = Epic

Ending = ???

Overall = can't wait for more

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Thank you.

Thank you.

What don't you get? If it helps...imagine Skyra and Laserbeak from the RPG.

And again, thank you.

Anything you might want me to work on though?

[Floridian Citrus]

I got the ending....

Hm.... The only thing that I see is some gramma' errors.

I'm not one to write, so I might not give some good advice. Although, because I love to read <3, I'd say that its a good start. You have my intrest. (Understatement)

I might be biased to the fact that Onuzek is in it.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

What Grammar mistakes? I can fix them if you point them out.

And I like how you have so many understatements.

Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 17 2012 - 08:03 PM.

[Floridian Citrus]

until he wondered that he wasn't falling through

This is the only one that I could find.

Hey, they're better then overstatements.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

until he wondered that he wasn't falling through

This is the only one that I could find.

Hey, they're better then overstatements.

Surprisingly enough...that is grammatically correct.

That, or David Eddings lied to me...

[Floridian Citrus]

Huh. I learned something new today.

Anyway, quit writing so good, you're making it hard for me to critisize your work.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I've been on a bit of a writing streak lately. I just can't stop.

And thanks, by the way.

[Floridian Citrus]

New chapter!

So, you went with the Toa Iden, I thought that one was good. And I see you have gotten better at writing as Onuzek in third person.

Gravity thinks that writing like this can be a pain for him sometimes. But writer-Kal Grochi is good at it.

Now what does this Turaga have to do with them?

Onuzek laughing at being punched FTW.

I'm gonna read through the chapter again, this time looking for spelling errors. The next time will be grammer.

I shall find a mistake in your work, eventually.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

More like hopefully, my friend. Anyways, I'm going to get the ECC to come in here in the meantime.

[Cederak]

Hello Kal Grochi, here is your official ECC review. As a first note, it probably wouldn't hurt to have a link leading from your epic to your review topic. Just a thought. Anyway, before I dive into the story you're weaving, I should address the grammatical and spelling issues.

"If the Turaga wants me to see it, I'd probably get there fast."

My best guess is that you were trying to say 'I should probably get there fast,' but I wasn't entirely sure.

He was the resident Doctor of the island, after all.

Doctor is only capitalized when you're referring to the specific doctor. As in, Doctor Kal Grochi. As opposed to, Kal Grochi used to be the doctor in [insert town here].

center of his palm...and a small flame shot out,

It would help the flow here if you dropped the ellipsis and started a new sentence. You seem to make a habit of using an ellipsis when a comma is the right tool for the job.

He growled, and smashed down a timber

This was the second issue I stumbled upon. You tend to use commas where no pause is necessary. You're interrupting your flow.

If you're concerned enough, I noticed multiple instances where you failed to capitalized Matoran, Toa, and Turaga. A quick Ctrl+F scan of your chapters should help you ensure it doesn't happen.

"Oh, calm down, both of you," a Toa of Water said,

You just said that a few lines prior, coming from Grantuur. Maybe try a different phrase?

Grantuur snorted at the thought of that hiped-up,

hyped-up

If you beat me there I let you order me around for a whole day."

I'll let you

most important akilini game in the domes.

Akilini is a proper noun.

Therefor, the bet was off.

Therefore


Getting to the story behind your words now, I found that your review topic responses filled me in on the location. Aki-Nui. That should be addressed in your epic somewhere. It feels like a lot of islands with a standard formula - a Turaga (or several) with Matoran fulfilling their daily tasks. Of course, these stories often tend to become an adventure of some kind, and the Toa Stones serve the purpose of turning a couple regular Matoran into daring, brazen Toa.

Their transformation brought Legends of Metru Nui to the forefront of my mind as I read it, able to visualize the scene from that movie, only with Grantuur and Dendron in their place. It left me a little disappointed that their reactions weren't more awestruck, lacking a distinct level of surprise. Even Grantuur's first words following this (Well Dendron, it seems we're Toa!) fall short somehow.

It'd be like a child suddenly finding himself standing twice as tall and merely remarking, "Well, it seems I'm an adult!" There's a notable shock missing there, don't you agree?

Moving on, my next question came right in the opening of Chapter 1. How much time passed between the prologue and Chapter 1's beginning? Onuzek and Ryllia receive no real explanation as to why they're there, how long they've been Toa, or any back-story at all. You manage to completely ignore their history and continue moving forward, briefly discussing an initiative to leave for the Northern Continent. I was also curious why they're the Toa Iden, but I have a feeling it may be connected to more events that were leapt over between the prologue and Chapter 1 - a gap in storyline that desperately needs some clarification.

You're willing to open the box with your writing though, and I must compliment that. For example, Ryllia and Grantuur are boyfriend and girlfriend in a universe that canonically has no such relationships, but it's interesting all the same. They're an odd couple for sure, but their dynamic certainly has time to change as the story goes on.

And just as I was finishing up, I noticed 'recalcitrant.' Now there's a word I don't run across often, but it is absolutely appropriate in its usage here.

Overall, you have a few points that need working on, but this ship isn't going to sink on you. Take your time as you edit, and make sure your dialogue is smooth and not contrived. If you must, read it aloud to yourself. Keep at it, Kal Grochi.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I see what you mean in a few of those, Cederahk, I generally rely on my spell check for a few of those. And actually, I plan to run through and edit some of the chapter-beginnings later- most of the story is meant to be a sort of flashback as Grantuur runs off to find out what it is he has to fight.

And I can't wait to write on how he ends up wearing a Hau.

Also, on the "I'd probably get there fast" part, it's mainly there because I live in Kansas. My accustomed way of speech carries into my writing, and it seems odd sometimes.

Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 26 2012 - 11:17 PM.

[Floridian Citrus]

... I'm a fail.

How did I miss all of those? *face-palm*

BTW, Onuzek as a matoran would be interesting... And sorta strange... And funny....

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I'm saving things like that for a series of short stories, actually. The things I don't explain completely inside the epic, shall be explained later.

Aside from those I don't want to explain at all, of course. Some secrets must be kept.

[Floridian Citrus]

...

Grochi, I could hug you. After my sides stop hurting. I lol'ed a lot reading that, and then I lol'ed again when everyone on the bus looked at me funny.

Awesomebatman^24,332,432Tahu chapter.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I don't get the number at the end, but I suppose it means I did well.

And good to know I made people on the bus think you were weird.

So I did well with Onuzek?

[Floridian Citrus]

I don't get the number at the end, but I suppose it means I did well.

And good to know I made people on the bus think you were weird.

So I did well with Onuzek?

Nailed the Onuzek-speak.

...

And everyone think's I'm weird anyway.

_{(exponent btw)}

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I know it was an exponent.

Because 2^3 is 8.

[Floridian Citrus]

And batman^24,332,432 is.... uhh.....

Mmm...


I'll get back to you on that.


Anyway, does this mean your gonna sart posting regularly on here or...?

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

...Not sure.

[Replicant]

Well, this is certainly a enjoyable epic. The writing style's everything you need, attention grabbing, descriptive, yet still character based. An altogether amazing story. I'll certainly follow its progress.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I guess my prose is better than I thought. xD

[thebeggerpie]

Good epic; I only have one complaint.

You don't link the review topic in the story topic!

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Good epic; I only have one complaint.

You don't link the review topic in the story topic!

I'll fix it, I'll fix it!

Hey, wait...

How'd you get here?

EDITED: Hey, wait, isn't Beek Jr. Just Hahli Husky?

Edited by Kal Grochi, May 26 2012 - 11:18 PM.

[thebeggerpie]

Good epic; I only have one complaint.

You don't link the review topic in the story topic!

I'll fix it, I'll fix it!

Hey, wait...

How'd you get here?

Magic.

I'm double-posting for a few reasons.

1. I'm too lazy to edit my above post.

2. I know you'll see this faster if I do this.


Okay, chapter 4 was good, but there is a hole in it.

One minute, it's "Quarter-staff wielding Toa of Air" and the next it's "Zodir."

It's confusing. Even though I gave you that name, it confused me.

You either need to insert some chat about names, or take out Zodir.

It looks bad and it's confusing at first.

Edited by Beek Jr., May 27 2012 - 08:28 PM.

[Hahli Husky]

Doesn't matter if you're too lazy to edit your last post or if you don't think someone will notice. Double-posting still isn't okay.

Sorry I edited in your review topic link myself, Kal Grochi. XD;; I couldn't get my messenger to work yesterday so I just went ahead and did it. I hope it's all right!

Edited by Beek Jr., May 27 2012 - 08:31 PM.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Not a problem, not at all.

I don't think I've seen a story from you lately, though.

EDIT: By the way, TBP, I did edit it to put that in-I noticed it after you mentioned it that the switch over was a little odd.

And, as my friend here said, don't double post. They don't like it when you do that.

You can only double post if A) It's your own epic, You're introducing a new chapter in a comedy and no reviews came for the one before it, or C) It's been over twelve hours since your last post in the RPG*.

*Note, you can only do this three times in a row before you absolutely have to wait.

Edited by Kal Grochi, May 27 2012 - 10:14 PM.

[thebeggerpie]

Yeah, I had a refresher on that.

It's hard to edit on an iPod..


I see the change, it reads better.