Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 16 2012 - 01:34 AM.
Darkness Brought To Light: Review For Into The Darkness
Posted Feb 16 2012 - 01:33 AM
Posted Feb 16 2012 - 01:43 AM
Posted Feb 16 2012 - 01:49 AM
Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 16 2012 - 01:50 AM.
Posted Feb 16 2012 - 01:56 AM
Posted Feb 17 2012 - 07:47 PM
Posted Feb 17 2012 - 08:01 PM
Posted Feb 17 2012 - 08:12 PM
Posted Feb 17 2012 - 08:31 PM
Posted Feb 25 2012 - 04:13 PM
Posted Feb 26 2012 - 08:26 PM
My best guess is that you were trying to say 'I should probably get there fast,' but I wasn't entirely sure.
"If the Turaga wants me to see it, I'd probably get there fast."
Doctor is only capitalized when you're referring to the specific doctor. As in, Doctor Kal Grochi. As opposed to, Kal Grochi used to be the doctor in [insert town here].
He was the resident Doctor of the island, after all.
It would help the flow here if you dropped the ellipsis and started a new sentence. You seem to make a habit of using an ellipsis when a comma is the right tool for the job.
center of his palm...and a small flame shot out,
This was the second issue I stumbled upon. You tend to use commas where no pause is necessary. You're interrupting your flow.If you're concerned enough, I noticed multiple instances where you failed to capitalized Matoran, Toa, and Turaga. A quick Ctrl+F scan of your chapters should help you ensure it doesn't happen.
He growled, and smashed down a timber
You just said that a few lines prior, coming from Grantuur. Maybe try a different phrase?
"Oh, calm down, both of you," a Toa of Water said,
Grantuur snorted at the thought of that hiped-up,
I'll let you
If you beat me there I let you order me around for a whole day."
Akilini is a proper noun.
most important akilini game in the domes.
ThereforeGetting to the story behind your words now, I found that your review topic responses filled me in on the location. Aki-Nui. That should be addressed in your epic somewhere. It feels like a lot of islands with a standard formula - a Turaga (or several) with Matoran fulfilling their daily tasks. Of course, these stories often tend to become an adventure of some kind, and the Toa Stones serve the purpose of turning a couple regular Matoran into daring, brazen Toa.Their transformation brought Legends of Metru Nui to the forefront of my mind as I read it, able to visualize the scene from that movie, only with Grantuur and Dendron in their place. It left me a little disappointed that their reactions weren't more awestruck, lacking a distinct level of surprise. Even Grantuur's first words following this (Well Dendron, it seems we're Toa!) fall short somehow.It'd be like a child suddenly finding himself standing twice as tall and merely remarking, "Well, it seems I'm an adult!" There's a notable shock missing there, don't you agree?Moving on, my next question came right in the opening of Chapter 1. How much time passed between the prologue and Chapter 1's beginning? Onuzek and Ryllia receive no real explanation as to why they're there, how long they've been Toa, or any back-story at all. You manage to completely ignore their history and continue moving forward, briefly discussing an initiative to leave for the Northern Continent. I was also curious why they're the Toa Iden, but I have a feeling it may be connected to more events that were leapt over between the prologue and Chapter 1 - a gap in storyline that desperately needs some clarification.You're willing to open the box with your writing though, and I must compliment that. For example, Ryllia and Grantuur are boyfriend and girlfriend in a universe that canonically has no such relationships, but it's interesting all the same. They're an odd couple for sure, but their dynamic certainly has time to change as the story goes on.And just as I was finishing up, I noticed 'recalcitrant.' Now there's a word I don't run across often, but it is absolutely appropriate in its usage here.Overall, you have a few points that need working on, but this ship isn't going to sink on you. Take your time as you edit, and make sure your dialogue is smooth and not contrived. If you must, read it aloud to yourself. Keep at it, Kal Grochi.
Therefor, the bet was off.
Posted Feb 26 2012 - 11:14 PM
Edited by Kal Grochi, Feb 26 2012 - 11:17 PM.
Posted Feb 27 2012 - 12:36 PM
Posted May 24 2012 - 09:35 AM
Nailed the Onuzek-speak. ...And everyone think's I'm weird anyway. http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/cool.png(exponent btw)
I don't get the number at the end, but I suppose it means I did well. :PAnd good to know I made people on the bus think you were weird.So I did well with Onuzek?
Posted May 24 2012 - 09:41 AM
Posted May 24 2012 - 10:38 AM
Posted May 24 2012 - 11:39 AM
Posted May 26 2012 - 11:18 PM
Magic.I'm double-posting for a few reasons.1. I'm too lazy to edit my above post.2. I know you'll see this faster if I do this.Okay, chapter 4 was good, but there is a hole in it.One minute, it's "Quarter-staff wielding Toa of Air" and the next it's "Zodir."It's confusing. Even though I gave you that name, it confused me.You either need to insert some chat about names, or take out Zodir.It looks bad and it's confusing at first.I'll fix it, I'll fix it!Hey, wait...How'd you get here?
Good epic; I only have one complaint. You don't link the review topic in the story topic!
Edited by Beek Jr., May 27 2012 - 08:28 PM.
Posted May 27 2012 - 08:30 PM
Edited by Beek Jr., May 27 2012 - 08:31 PM.
Posted May 27 2012 - 10:05 PM
Edited by Kal Grochi, May 27 2012 - 10:14 PM.
Posted May 27 2012 - 10:19 PM
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