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[Toarobot18]

Nuva Join the Navy

Rewritten in Technicolor!

~~~Kopaka, Tahu, and Lewa walk down the dusty street. They pass a sign that says "Cracker Jack Naval Base."~~~

Lewa: Hey, look! It's a sailor-crew place!

Kopaka: Hurry up. Our dentist appointment is in thirty-seven minutes and forty-three point five seconds.

Tahu: No hurry, ice-cool, I don't know about you, but I don't have a cavity.

Kopaka: Research has shown the everybody has a ninety-five percent chance of develop--

Tahu: Intelligence. I suppose you're in the other five-- Hey look, a dude with a shiny car!

~~~Cue naval officer driving out of the gates in a Mercedes-Benz.~~~

Lewa: Hey you there! Can I have a ride--

Kopaka: Shut up, you're making us look like cool dudes.

Naval officer: Sure! Just hop right in!

~~~The officer presses a button and all four doors open.~~~

Lewa: Thank you-thanks!

Naval officer:

Kopaka: Don't talk to strangers!

Naval officer: Admiral Adam Adder, nice to meet you.

Kopaka: ...

Naval officer: Okay ... , hop right in!

Kopaka: I think I'll stay--

Naval officer: Sir, I said HOP RIGHT IN!!

Kopaka: Yes, um,

Naval officer: Sir.

The three toa jump in the car, which promptly turns around and heads back into the naval base.

Lewa: Where are you drive-taking us?

Naval officer: Right... here. Step right off!

Tahu: Shiny pillars.

Random guy: Hey there! Come on in, wanna see what's inside?

Kopaka: Ninety-nine percent of kidnapping incidents involve--

Random guy: No, you don't have to take off your shoes.

~~~He leads the toa into a small room, with a desk and three chairs.~~~

Random guy: You may, SIT! I mean, you may be seated gentlemen.

Tahu: Um...

Random guy: Good, I'm always excited to hear about interested fellows! Here, take a brochure!

~~~The random guy hands out some brochures.~~~

M.N. NAVY

An opportunity...

...that only comes once.

[Fancy image of a toa smiling here.]

Do you want to be all you can be?

Do you want to serve this country before you die?

Then it's time to join... the M.N. navy.

www.mnnavy.mata

Kopaka: This is a recruiting office isn't--

Random guy: I'm glad to hear it! Yes, there are many educational opportunities available for you in the M.N. Navy. For example,

Kopaka: I said--

Random guy: Here, have a breath mint.

Kopaka: It tastes... funny... I feel... dizzy...

Random guy: Any questions?

Lewa: Can I fly?

Random guy: Not only do we have the latest fighter Gukkos on our fine carriers, but we--

Lewa: Is that a yes?

Random guy: Yes.

Lewa: Was that a "Yes?" yes, or a "Yes!" yes?

Random guy: That was a yes yes.

Lewa: Where do I sign?

Tahu: What types of combustibles are there on your ships?

Random guy: Sign here. And here. And also here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. How many years would you like to serve, Lewa?

Lewa: Um... what does that mean?

Random guy: The higher the number you say, the longer you get to fly!

Lewa: Um... okay! One billion billions!

Random guy: Okay then. Also sign here, and write that number on this dotted line. Tahu?

Tahu: When are you going to answer MY question?!!!

Random guy: Oh yes. Our ships have many combustibles, such as long-range, 2000 pound, super-heavy, armor-piercing, Mark 7, highly explosive--

Tahu: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it explode?

Random guy: Yes. Yes, it does.

Tahu: I'll sign on. How many years do I have to serve to get to fire one of those babies?

Random guy: Um... thirty is the minimum.

Tahu: *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs* *signs*...

Random guy: Kopaka?

Kopaka: Yes...

Random guy: You want to sign?

Kopaka: Sign...

Random guy: Just sign your name, and you'll be in wonder land.

Kopaka: Wonder land...

Random guy: And I'll give you another breath mint.

Kopaka: Breath mint... I sign...

Random guy: Very good. Now Kopaka, I'll give you two breath mints if you write "one thousand" in that little space.

Kopaka: Breath mints... *writes*

Random guy: Very good. And now for your check ups...

Edited by Toarobot18, Jul 04 2012 - 07:22 PM.

[Toarobot18]

~~~The "Random guy" leads the toa into a back room. This room contains a poster on the wall, a pull-up bar, and a large, still, matoran.~~~

Random guy: All right, who's first?

Lewa: Me! Me! Me!

Random guy: All right, since you're so eager... we'll start with the push-ups. Get down on the ground!

Lewa: Uh... you know, it's okay, Tahu can go first.

Random guy: Every second you delay I'm adding another twenty push-ups. You can start with one hundred. Now, Tahu?

Tahu: Oh yeah! I can do one hundred push-ups in ten seconds flat!

Random guy: Great, we have five minutes so you can do three thousand.

Tahu: ...

Random guy: Kopaka, how 'bout you?

Kopaka: My head hurts... I thought I was... Wasn't I over in that room before? You drugged me!

Random guy: I what? Here, try a breath mint. It helps the senses.

Kopaka: *Throws breath mint out the window* I'm giving you five seconds to show me the door or I flash-freeze you.

Random guy: SECURITY!!

~~~Two matoran with zamor-sphere launchers march in.~~~

Random guy: This new recruit is threatening an officer. He needs retraining before he can be assigned to a ship. Could you escort this young man to the Military Re-Education Center?

Kopaka: The what? Look, I'm a Toa Nuva, and I'm a toa of ice. Therefore I'm the most powerful toa in all of the matoran uni-- *thunk*

Security Guard: Do you have a stretcher, sir?

Random guy: Yep. It's in the closet. It's mostly white, but somewhat red. Try to make sure he gets trained fast, I need to assign ten more recruits to ships to get my Best Recruiter Bonus.

Security Guard: Yes sir!

~~~The two matoran haul Kopaka away on a blood-stained stretcher.~~~

Lewa: I'MMMMMMM Done!

Random guy: How many did you do?

Lewa: One hundred.

Random guy: But that's how many I told you to do.

Lewa:

Random guy: Everybody is expected to go the extra mile in the Navy! Now back to push-ups!

Tahu: I did one hundred and fifty! Can I stop now?

Random guy: Yeah, sure, but I'll have to take you to the Military Re-Education Center to get in shape then.

Tahu: A TOA OF FIRE IS ALWAYS IN SHAPE!!

Random guy: Good, then you won't mind me changing it to four thousand, now will you? Lewa, you may stop now.

Lewa:

Tahu:

Random guy: Alright Lewa, see the big matoran standing by the wall? I want you to press the red button on the back of his head.

Lewa: *Presses*

Matoran: Physical Training Robotic Matoran Model No. 543 welcomes you to your training session. Please state your level of physical fitness.

Lewa: Super awesome!

Random guy: Uh-oh...

Matoran: Thank you. Your level of physical fitness has been processed. Please state your level of mental fitness.

Lewa: Super cool!

Matoran: Thank you. Your level of mental fitness has been processed. Your training will now begin. You have five seconds to reach safety. You have four seconds to reach safety. You have...

Lewa: Um... uh... safety. Right. *looks around.*

Matoran: You have two seconds to reach safety. You have...

Lewa: Uh-oh. *ducks behind Tahu.*

Matoran: Time expired. *cocks blaster* Scanning! You have been detected by radar. Your choice of shelter will now be tested.

Tahu: *Obliviously doing push-ups* Three hundred and one, three hundred and two, three hundred and three, three--

Matoran: *Fires blaster*

~~~Tahu is knocked flat by three massive bolts of electricity, Lewa comes smiling out from behind him.~~~

Lewa: It worked! Did I pass!

Matoran: Test No. 001 has been passed. Congratulations.

Tahu: You... You.... Just wait 'till my test Lewa, just you wait.

Random guy: Get back to push-ups, slacker!

Edited by Toarobot18, Feb 23 2012 - 12:23 PM.

[Toa of Gallifrey]

Good job! I like this comedy, especially the end of the 2nd chapter with the Matoran trainer. Will the other Toa Nuva make an appearance?

[Toarobot18]

Thanks for stopping by! The other Toa Nuva aren't planned to make an appearance in the next couple chapters, but it's possible we'll end up bumping into them.

[Toarobot18]

Lewa: Alright, now what? Am I done-finished yet?

Random guy: Not yet. First, you must do three hundred and fifty pull-ups.

Lewa: Yes sir!

~~~Lewa effortlessly does the pull-ups with the help of his mask of levitation.~~~

Random guy: Tahu, you may stop with the push-ups now, and switch to pull-ups.

Tahu: Err, I'm not that good with arm strength, but I'll do my--

Random guy: Good, you should be able to do eight hundred and fifty no problem.

Tahu: But...

Random guy: That toa of air did three hundred and fifty in just a minute.

Tahu: But he had the mask of levitation!

Random guy: In the Navy, we encourage good use of resources to make tasks more efficient. Why don't you just get your own from your Suva?

Tahu: It was destroyed!

Random guy: In the Navy, we promote good care and responsibility towards our own possessions. If you needed it you should have kept better care of it. Now get going. Lewa, since you have proven yourself strong, resourceful, and responsible, you have passed my examination. You will start on the M.N.S. Floating Madu, as a Purple Officer First Class. Just go out the door to the left.

Tahu:

Random guy: Alright Tahu, that is enough pull-ups for me to assess your capabilities. On to your test. Press the red button on the back of that matoran's head.

Tahu: *Presses*

Matoran: Physical Training Robotic Matoran Model No. 543 welcomes you to your training session. Please state your level of physical fitness.

Tahu: *Thinking* Heh heh, I think I'll trick it into giving me an easy test. *speaking* My fitness level is lazy couch potato!

Matoran: Thank you. Your level of physical fitness has been processed. Please state your level of mental fitness.

Tahu: That of a Toa Nuva of air.

Matoran: Thank you. Your level of mental fitness has been processed. Your training will now begin. You have five seconds to reach safety. You have four seconds to reach safety. You have...

Tahu: Ha! *walks behind pull-up bar*

Matoran: You have two seconds to reach safety. You have one second to reach safety. Time expired. *cocks blaster* Scanning! You have been detected by radar. Your choice of shelter will now be tested. *slowly fires giant foam ball at the bar, which bounces off*

Tahu: Ha ha, resourcefulness and creativity at its best!

Matoran: Test No. 001 has been passed. Congratulations.

Tahu: Alright, so now what?

Random guy: Well... I am extremely happy to inform you that you've successfully been assigned to the M.N.S. Floating Madu, as a-

Tahu: Yes!!!

Random guy: Seatoa Recruit in the Ship Cleaning Department.

Tahu: Whaaaaat?!!! How could this happen?! I did hundreds more push-ups than Lewa! I did plenty of pull-ups without even needing a mask! I passed the test effortlessly!

Random guy: Yes, yes, yes. Your automatic (I had nothing to do with this) report card says:

"STEP ONE: PUSH-UPS:
The recruit demonstrated failure to correctly estimate his abilities and set goals higher than he was able to achieve in the time allotted. The recruit insisted on being "always fit," despite only completing 1/6th of the 3000 push-ups he claimed he was capable of, based on his own rate of 10 push-ups per second.

STEP TWO: PULL-UPS:
The recruit made excuses when asked to perform the exercise. The recruit demonstrated lack of responsibility, admitting to having let his Toa Suva be destroyed.

STEP THREE: TEST:
The recruit assessed himself at the physical level of a lazy couch potato and at the mental level of a Toa Nuva of air. He successfully confirmed these levels by passing the test."

Tahu:

Random guy: Just go through the door on the left to receive your uniforms and insignia.


Lewa: My my my, what gleaming shiny buttons! Oh-- Hi Tahu.

Tahu: *Picks up uniform* Ha ha, I got gold buttons and you only got silver. Wait a second, where's my puffy hat?!

Lewa: I think that white err... cap-hat over there is yours, Tahu.

Tahu: What? Is that an upside-down soup bowl or an extremely odd frisbee? I'm not wearing that. Wait! Is that my uniform? Why do I only get one white stripe when he gets three red ones? I'm the toa of fire! And what the heck is that scarf for? The pirates to choke me with? Is this a girl's uniform? How is this blue supposed to match my red armor? And why the--

Random guy: Shut up. Here, you know what, you look like you could use a little cheering up.

Tahu: What? Do I get my choker scarf in red now?

Random guy: No, I was thinking more along the lines of a free visit to my expert mask cutter. He's a registered barber and will get you in Navy shape in no time. Head that way please.

Lewa: Do I get a mask cut too?

Random guy: If you want. Personally, I think you look good with more face cover than the Mask of Time.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I've enjoyed reading this comedy so far. My favorite part so far was when Lewa was being tested by the Training Matoran. Tahu never saw those bolts coming.

I did find one grammar mistake in the first chapter, and it is:

Random guy: I'm glad to here it!

It should be 'hear'.

Anyway, I'm interested to see what happens in the next chapter.

[Toarobot18]

Yeah, back when this was originally written (along with the rest of the comedies), I seemed to mix up "here" and "hear" along with "there," "their," and "they're," so I'm constantly fixing them. Unfortunately, I don't always catch them. Thanks!

I have more written so you shouldn't have to wait long.

[Toarobot18]

~~~At the ship's New Recruits' Party.~~~

...united never sever, but hold to their colors so true; the Army and Navy forever, three cheers for Metru Nui too! Three cheers for Metru Nui too, three cheers for Metru Nui too! The Army and Navy forever, three cheers for Metru Nui too!

Navy Chorus Conductor: Thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you enjoyed the performance, and now I give the floor to Admiral Arktinen.

Admiral Arktinen: Thank you for that fine performance of Metru Nui, Gem of the Ocean. I will now begin the traditional Navy Welcoming Speech:

Welcome, welcome, welcome! A most wonderful welcome to you! Welcome to the Navy! We welcome you to the life upon the silver seas! We welcome you to life aboard our fine ships upon the silver seas! May your hearts welcome the spirit of the sea into your every piston! Soon, in your hammocks aboard a mighty fighting ship, you will welcome the chance to fight for your country! Welcome that fighting spirit into your heartlights, and you will receive a hero's welcome when you victoriously return from battle. We welcome the enemy to our shores for we always welcome new targets to improve our training. Ready your masks! Sharpen your armor! Put on your swords! Well? Come! Be ready for battle! The Navy is always welcoming to strong and intelligent fighters. He who welcomes the training welcomes the promotion! Once welcomed, always welcome! One cannot wear out one's welcome in the Navy without disobedience, and the Court Martial welcomes you too! Whoever the welcomer, may your Navy days be filled with both welcomeness and cheer. You are a welcome addition to the force! Welcoming you welcomes pride into our heartlights! What? Battle welcomes you too soon? Drafted or not, we welcomely bring your aboard! Soon you will thank us, and we'll say "you're welcome!" For at the end of your career (far off may it be!) during a welcome rest from the sea, you will welcome nostalgia and welcome the welcomely welcomeness of the sea which welcomers' welcome with welcomes! So, be welcome! And when danger welcomes you into its arms, still be welcome! For when the Navy welcomes you, you are welcome to...

(...)

(...)

...and thus as the great naval hero who welcomed death, Admiral Perihu, said during his weclome address: "Welcome to the Navy! We welcome you to the life upon the silver seas! We welcome you to life aboard our fine ships upon the silver seas! May your hears welcome the spirit of the sea into your every piston! Soon, in your hammocks aboard a mighty fighting ship, you will welcome the chance to fight for your country!" What welcome is not welcome? As I have said before, welcome that fighting spirit into...

(...)

(...)

...when the ship returns from the sea, the banners say "WELCOME" and we welcome that welcome too, for the civilians' welcomes that welcome you on the shore almost match the welcomes of your welcome Navy brethren who welcomely greet you every time you board your welcome ship once again. And speaking of "once again," you are a welcome addition to the force! Welcoming you welcomes pride into our heartlights...

(...)

(...)

...and to say it again: welcome! Welcome recruits! Welcome sailors! Welcome soldiers! Welcome and welcome and welcome and welcome and welcome and welcome! (And welcome.) And don't think I'm being insincere (but if you do, we welcome comments and criticism), I truly am a welcomer! I welcome every welcome welcomely, and thus when I heard this opportunity to welcome you welcomed me, I welcomed and welcome and will always welcomely welcome welcomeness that welcomes the welcomes that I welcomely welcome to welcome the welcomes of those who welcome the welcomers who welcome--

Kopaka: ENOUGH! I can't take it anymore! How can you torture us like--

Lewa: Calm down Kopaka, cut the interrupt-breaks! I'm trying to listen to this speech!

Admiral Arktinen: No, it's okay Lewa. We welcome people to leave at any time. In fact, if Kopaka wants to move on, he's welcome to head over to the briefing room. Some people have already gotten started.

~~~Kopaka and Lewa look around and realize the room is empty.~~~

Admiral Arktinen: But on the other hand, you're welcome to stay and listen to the rest of my traditional Navy Welcoming Speech! In fact, I welcome--

~~~Kopaka grabs Lewa and sprints out of the room.~~~


Lewa: What was that about? I was welcome to stay and listen to the rest of the Welcoming Speech! I think we should welcome the opportunity to learn and wel--

Kopaka: One more "welcome" out of you and you'll be welcoming a blow to the head from one of my fists.

Lewa: Fine. But I just think we should have--

Briefing instructor: Excuse me, toa, but it seems you are interested in presenting this briefing? Since you find it necessary to talk (let alone fight) in my briefing room, I'd like you to come up here and explain this slide to the crew.

Lewa: Oh, sure! That'd be just happy-fine--

Briefing instructor: No, not you, the white guy.

Kopaka: Me?

Briefing instructor: Yes, you. Here, you can have my pointer if you want.

Kopaka: I'm not sure I'm really qualified to--

~~~The briefing instructor leaves the room.~~~

Kopaka: Oh. K. Well class... um... so you see here... um, on this screen, you can see the rank structure for the M.N. Navy. And so... this box on the top with all the bars, that one denotes the highest rank. If you look below that to the box with one less bar, that one denotes the second highest rank. And so on down the chart. It's all the same idea, I'm sure you can figure it out. Now the next slide... *Fiddles with the projector.*

One sec class, I'm still trying to figure this out. Ah! Alright. So this shows the battle structure of the M.N. Navy. The boxes at the top are the big groups, and all those boxes below them are divisions of--

Random matoran: We've already seen this slide, by the way.

Kopaka: Err, yes, of course, we've already seen this slide. So... *Fiddles with the projector.* There we go. These are the types of ships in the M.N. Navy. The really big ones in the top left corner of the screen can carry Gukko birds, all the rest just shoot things. Makes sense? ... Okay, we'll go to the next slide then. Hm... "SAFETY." Well, we'll skip that one for now. Looks like only two slides left...

Briefing instructor: *Pops back in the room.* So, crew, how's the presentation going? Heh heh, I thought so. So crew, is Kopaka qualified to be speaking during our briefings, or do you think the actual instructor should be the only one speaking?

Iruini: Actually, he's been doing very well. Very nice and to the point.

Random matoran: I agree, we're moving much quicker now and it's easier to understand.

Lewa: They're right! Kopaka is an awesome speaker!

Briefing instructor: Ha ha ha, very funny indeed. Kopaka, you and I will be meeting after class.

Edited by Toarobot18, Mar 05 2012 - 09:43 AM.

[Nevermore]

Nice comedy, I like how Kopaka is the only rational Toa Nuva and I think that you have done a great job of portraying his awesomeness.

[Devorath]

I find this so funny. However you seem to interpret Koplak's personality slightly different to how I interpret it.

[Nevermore]

Don't you mean "Kopaka" not "Koplak"?

Admiral Arktinen seems to be quite a skilled orator, I hope he is included in future chapters.

[Toarobot18]

~~~Earlier, on a different ship, Tahu walks into an office.~~~

Gali: Tahu! Woah, what happened to your Hau? *takes a punch card from Tahu, punches it, and returns it*

Tahu: *Adjusting his significantly "streamlined" mask* Let's not talk about that, okay? Since when were you in the Navy?

Gali: Since... as long as I can remember, really. Let's just say when you guys were floating around Mata Nui in your toa canisters, dormant and clueless, I was relaying our coordinates back to the Navy O.O.M.D.N.C.C. But that's a long story.

Tahu: How come you never told me about--

Gali: So I heard you're here for mopping instruction.

Tahu: Hey, you can overrule that, right? I see lots of shiny bars on those shoulders.

Gali: You say, "Ma'am, you can overrule that, right?" "Ma'am, I see lots of shiny bars on those shoulders."

Tahu: Ma'am, you can overrule that, right?

Gali: Yes. Mops are in the closet right there, take one out and we'll begin.

Tahu: But--

Gali: "Ma'am, yes Ma'am!"

Tahu: Hmph.

Gali: Hurry up, or I'll increase your training allotment.

Tahu: What?

~~~Gali dumps several buckets of murky sea water and liquid protodermis on the office floor.~~~

Gali: That's what you start with.

Tahu: Now listen here Gali. This is terrible training. Under what circumstances would I possibly need to clear sea water from the floor of the office, several decks below the one on top?

Gali: These circumstances. Good luck. *begins to leave*

Tahu: But what about my training?

Gali: We believe in hands-on instruction.

Tahu: We?

Gali: Just get to work.

~~~Gali leaves.~~~

Tahu: *Standing in several inches of water and staring at the floor* Well isn't this grand. "Mark 7, highly explosive," eh. Sneaky pirate. ... That's it! Heh heh.

~~~Tahu uses an explosive fire blast to create a hole in the floor.~~~

Tahu: Instant drain! Bet she didn't think of that ingenious solution.

~~~Tahu leaves the room and shuts the door.~~~

Tahu: *Taking the punch card from his pocket* Let's see here, what does this say...

NEW RECRUITS DAY

[-O-] Initial Briefing
[-O-] Equipment Drop Off
[-O-] Meeting With Gali Nuva
[----] Lunch
[----] Special Live Video of Speech by Admiral Arktinen
[----] Begin Bootcamp

Tahu: *Walking down the hallway* Food time and then a speech by an Admiral! And then bootcamp... Well, at least I got the meeting over with quick--

Gali: *From back at the office* TAHU! What's this leaking out from under the door?

Tahu: *Running back to the office and noticing the gray sludge oozing out from underneath the floor* Well I don't know ma'am, I'm new to the ship!

Gali: You obviously didn't finish your cleaning. *she opens the door*

~~~Way more than "several buckets" of liquid come splashing out of the office, which is full of several feet of it.~~~

Gali: TAHU!! What have you done?!

Tahu: Hey, why are you blaming me? What did I do?

Gali: That's what I'm asking!

Tahu: I drained the whole thing!

Gali: What do you mean, "drained"? There's no drain!

Tahu: There is now!

~~~Gali slams the door to the office shut again and turns a wheel on the door to seal it shut.~~~

Gali: TAHU! *she sniffs* ... Do you know what is right below us under this deck?

Tahu: I don't know, the movie theater?

Gali: No, the waste tanks for the ship's sewer system, you visorak!

Tahu: Well how was I supposed to know that?

Gali: You do realize that was my office?!

Tahu: Oh. ... Sorry. ... ... Just please don't tell the captain, okay?

Gali: Tahu, I am the captain!

Tahu: WHA-- I mean, that's really impressive, Gali!

...

Tahu: But if you're the captain, why are you training recruits and pouring buckets of sea water on your office floor?

Gali: Because I care about your education, Tahu!

Tahu: Do you make everybody else do this?

Gali: No.

Tahu: Then why did you make me--

Gali: Just go.

Tahu: Okay. *he starts walking away*

Gali: Wait!

Tahu: What?

Gali: I... I forgot your punishment. Let me see your punch card.

~~~Tahu hands his punch card to Gali.~~~

Gali: Looks like after lunch, you're going to be skipping the live speech to the incoming officers, by Admiral Arktinen, straight from the deck of M.N.S. Best Flagship Ever.

Tahu: WHAT?! That's not fair! I don't get to hear the admiral speak just because I misplaced a drain?! A drain mind you, that I made in less than five seconds?

Gali: Yep.

Tahu: FINE.

Gali: Bye.

Tahu: Bye. ... ...Wait. If they're on the "Best Flagship Ever," what's the name of this ship? "Gali is Queen"?

Gali: The name is on your punch card.

Tahu: *Looking at the punch card* No it's not!

Gali: Oh... it was on all the other copies, but I must have left it off when I made yours.

Tahu: Huh? Well--

Gali: Just go.

Tahu: Okay fine. Bye.

Gali: Bye.