Posted Nov 26 2012 - 10:47 AM
ECC Charity Review:
(NOTE: I have no idea why the quote boxes are messing up, so I'm using quotation marks rather than quote boxes).
First off, I'd like to say that you do a good job of describing things. I could imagine the characters and setting pretty well, which is what description is supposed to help a reader do. So keep that up.
Your spelling and grammar are mostly okay, although you made a few mistakes I'd like to point out:
"Even mere hours ago, he would have given anything to be out of his school, even here, in this hospital waiting room."
The bolded part seems to imply that the hospital waiting room is a part of the school, although obviously that the case. I'd get rid of the bolded party entirely, as it is unnecessary and just confuses the sentence rather than clarifies.
"The nurse led him around a corner, and into an office."
The bolded comma is unnecessary and awkward. Get rid of it.
" "Daniel... Danny, Dan... what do people usually call you?" she asked tentivally, trying to be friendly."
I believe you meant "tentatively" here. "Tentivally" isn't a word, as far as I know.
" "Lenny" he responded, not really caring for the formalities. When she gave him a questionative look, he continued. "It's my middle name; I always liked it better than Daniel." "
First, put a comma after "Lenny" but inside the dialogue tags. It makes the sentence look less awkward.
"Questionative" is not a word. I think you meant "questioning" here, which is a word and which does work here, unless you meant something else, although based on the context "questioning" is the appropriate word here.
" "What's your name?'
Taking her completely by surprise, she replied rather shyly "J-Janet... why?"
Again, and almost completely out of character, Lenny gave her a smile he usually reserved for girls, which she actually giggled at a bit. After a moment of rather awkwardly looking at each other, she continued."
Was this supposed to be setting up some kind of romance between Lenny and Janet? If so, it doesn't make any sense because Lenny just lost his parents. I'm not sure if romance would be on the mind of someone who just lost their parents, even if a good-looking person was the one who delivered that news to them.
Also, the bolded apostrophe should be replaced with another quotation mark.
Another problem I noticed is how you jumped from Lenny's point of view (POV) to Janet's POV without any real transition. As best as I can determine, the transition started here:
"His heart sunk at the words. His worst fear alive, realizing he was alone in this world, he uttered only one sentence.
"They... they didn't make it then, did they?"
The nurses gaze became rather much one of sadness, watching him piece it all together. If watching Lenny was depressing, she tried not to think of the rush of emotions he must have been feeling at the moment. Trying to think of some sort of explanation, she began again,"
The rest of the chapter is then told from Janet's POV, which wouldn't have been so annoying if you had made the transition smoother. Personally, I suggest rewriting the second half in Lenny's POV because it's more consistent that way, not to mention he appears to be the protagonist. There's not much you learn from Janet's POV anyway except that she might/might not like Lenny, which is something you could easily show through Lenny's POV anyway.
As for the plot of the story, I can't say anything about it because you're only posted one chapter that takes place ten years before the main plot, apparently. All I can say is that I don't see how the title, "The Lego Wars," has anything to do with what you've posted so far. Indeed, I have no idea what Lego has to do with this at all, for as it currently is it reads like normal original fiction, something maybe you'd read in COT but not in the Epics forum.
All in all, I think if you fixed the errors I pointed out above (as well as the few I neglected to mention due to brevity), rewrote the chapter entirely from Lenny's POV, and posted some more chapters, this story could be good. It's just really hard to say because you've posted so little. Hard to accurately judge an epic by only one chapter, IMO, so please post more.
Keep on writing!