35 replies to this topic

[The Renegade Emperor]

So, my writing experience on the BZP forums has just begun. "Team curse" is up now ( it's here ), and here you can tell me if you like it or not, give me advices on how can I refine my writing or how could the plot go on. Feedback is truly welcome!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:35 PM.

[Replicant]

A very good start! First chapters are hardly this well described and fun to read. You made a start that will keep readers wanting to come back for more. Can't wait to read the rest!

[The Renegade Emperor]

Really, really thanks! This will have an effect on me like turbo for an engine: extra power! Thank you Darkon!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:36 PM.

[Tazakk]

I agree with Lord Darkon, the story was quite interesting, especially with the mysterious clouds. The story did a good job of making me want to read more- always a good quality in a story.

Good luck in writing the next part!

[The Renegade Emperor]

Thanks, Tazakk. Chapter 3 is up now!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:36 PM.

[Replicant]

...

Awwww yeah. Now we have another character that's fun to read about, gives an insane amount of story potential, and will be sure to give the story a bit of humor.

I have a feeling that this is going to be one of the few epics I read to the very end.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Seriously? Wow, great! I'm writing this while listening to Halo: Reach OST Tip of the Spear and that totally sounds epic. Many thanks Darkon!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:36 PM.

[Tazakk]

Chapter three was great. I really like introduction of the Vorox as a permanent character, it's very unique idea that seems like it could add a lot to the story.

I feel like I'm just restating what Lord Darkon said again(sorry ), but the idea of the Vorox becoming good was my favorite aspect of the chapter.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Thanks, Tazakk. About the Vorox, he won't be one of the permanent characters, but something even more great will happen to him. Expect some surprise in next chapters ( perhaps the eighth )! Chapter 4 coming very soon!

Sorry for the delay, but chapter 4 is now up!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:36 PM.

[Replicant]

Hmmm... A magical forest that has a plauge-like power over you? That's certianly an interesting idea, and could very well be re-visted later on with some interesting results.

Anyway, the big point of this chapter was the fact that the characters were nearing New Atero, which will undoubtedly be a fun place to read about with your writing skill. Can't wait for the next one!

[The Renegade Emperor]

Thanks, Darkon!
So, to answer your comment, I have to say the forest will probably appear again in the story, but it will be a brief appearance. However, the source of its power will be fundamental for the plot. Then, on New Atero. You'll read more in chapter 5, but I don't know how long it will be featured in the storyline. I think 5,6 and 7 will be surely set there. Now by now I can't tell something more certain. I just hope I'll have the time to write 'em... duh... in time.

Anyways, glad you enjoyed it! Chapter 5 ready and to be posted soon!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:37 PM.

[Cederak]

Hello, Lord of the Rings, here is your official ECC review. I understand that you have a link to your epic and its review topic in your sig, but it probably wouldn't hurt to create a link to your review topic at the start of your epic. Something to think about.

I must admit, you have an interesting style to your writing (which I'll discuss more soon), and I ran across what I believe were minor errors. They may also just be a part of your style. Either way, here's what I found.

The fact is, how could he possibly be back to living world?

back to the living world

Definitely not anyone first desire.

not anyone's

stopping Aetius hand mid-air.

Aetius' or Aetius's - your call.

“I mean, the fact that it” and he pointed a finger to the creature that was yet defending him “ protected me.

Comma between 'it' and quotation mark and comma between 'him' and quotation mark.

I don’t approve it protects you.

that it protects you

I see Toas and Vorox now go side by side, huh?

Plural of Toa is still Toa.

In a week time we should get to the City.

In a week's time

The desert was made of anything but sand - sand everywhere the eye could see.

Sand is everywhere, but the desert is anything but? I'm confused on that.

But no one knows how can they be enough.

how they can be enough

In short, they’re travel was quite quiet, except some events.

their travel

even if that hasn’t been their biggest problem.

hadn't been their biggest problem

“Our pain ends here” said a newly smiling Aetius.

Comma between 'here' and quotation mark.

City of Toas and Glatorians, Matorans and Agori:

Plurals of Toa, Glatorian, and Matoran remain unchanged in spelling.


With the grammatical out of the way, let's look over Team Curse as a story. I have to ask, is the little group you've created supposed to be the "Team Curse" you're referring to, or will they actually be cursed later on? I suppose answering might spoil some of your later revelations, so don't reply if it will ruin the plot later. Back to your characters, there's a nameless Toa, what I assume is a Glatorian named Aetius, and a Vorox heading for a city. Your plot reminds me of the Wizard of Oz a bit, if only slightly. You have travelers headed to a city and the newcomer to Spherus Magna is going there to find answers.

The Toa has some connection to his past, however, seeing how he retains a sense of duty to honoring the Toa code. I'm curious to see what answers he'll receive in New Atero, and what that will mean for him. The forest was a disturbing place in itself, and I'm wondering if you'll explain why it did more harm to the Toa than the Glatorian.

As a I said earlier, though, I wanted to discuss your writing style. There's certainly something outdated about it, but that's not a bad thing necessarily. I've become so accustomed to reading modern work that this is a real throwback to some of the stuff I had to study in high school. There's something ancient about the way you describe your world, but Bionicle is technically set in the "time before time," and I think it works well with your epic thus far. I still had to read it carefully, to not get tripped up on your unique style.

Your chapters are fairly short (I can read each one without scrolling down the page), and with only four completed, there's not a lot more I can say. You've got solid ground to work with in terms of starting this epic, and while your stylization isn't something I encounter much, I can appreciate it all the same. It's too early to say one way or the other, but if my speculation means anything, I think this will turn out to be a great epic.

-Ced

[The Renegade Emperor]

^ Alright, let's start answering. About grammar errors, all I can say is that I'm Italian, so my English isn't so good, and I often forget to give the work a look to find errors. Then, on the writing style. I get inspired by LotR and stuff, but definitely not by the Wizard of Oz, so I think it's obvious it seems outdated. The length of the chapters depends on the fact I'm lazy, I have to admit...
What's next? Ah, the characters. Well, Aetius is a particular type of Glatorian and the Toa is a canon one; as for the curse, it will affect two of them later, together with three other new characters. However, I can't tell more 'coz it would be spoiling.

Oh, yes, 'bout the link to this topic from the epic. I didn't even think about that and I could be doing that, but I think it would ruin the continuity of the text. Anyways, thanks for the tip.

Well, it was nice to see a ECC critic here, who also enjoyed reading my epic! Keep an eye on it if you want to see some twist in the plot!

Many heartfelt thanks for the precious feedback!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:37 PM.

[Tazakk]

Cederak's review is so in-depth that I feel almost silly giving my feedback on chapter four, but regardless I'll continue.

As always, the chapter was good. I think I'm most excited by the your mention of how the source of the forest's power will be critical to the story. It sounds like it will be an interesting plot dynamic!

[The Renegade Emperor]

I hope it will, Tazakk. Thanks for feedback, everyone!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:37 PM.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Do not double post. -B6

Edited by Black Six, Apr 10 2012 - 11:23 AM.

[Replicant]

Hmmm... New Atero's description was almost... lackluster. A brief description is always something I look for when a story's taking place in a city or town, something along these lines;

A towering structure, lined with upwards-curving spikes, marked the center of the gleaming city. Towering buildings of the oddest shapes surrounded it, pressed close together for protection.

Aside from that, I found the chapter very intruiging, and the choice of weapon for your main character was a bit cliche, but the ending made up for any errors. Classic words right there. The next chapter definitely has a high level of quality to reach, thanks to an ending like that.

[The Renegade Emperor]

It surely will, because a new character will be revealed. As for the city, I should have done a better description of it, I agree with you, but I'll fix that in the following chapters. Unfortunately, I think I'll have to delay much more than this time: when I started this epic, the first 5 chapters had already been written in the summer and now, thanks to my laziness, I'll have to do both chapters and homework. Oh well, I'll try to handle that.

Glad you enjoyed it, less or more, Darkon ( why do I always write Drakon? ) and thanks for feedback!


EDIT: I've corrected the errors that Cederak showed me. Now it should be correct. And chapter 6 is on the way!

Edited by Emile A239, May 08 2012 - 12:37 PM.

[Tazakk]

Chapter five was good, but for me, chapter six really stuck out. There was a lot of great word usage that set the mood quite effectively.

The being in the void was interesting - it reminded me a bit of the conclusion to the 2001 Bionicle story, when Makuta (claiming to be the Void) became a swirling mass of parts that attacked the Toa.

[Replicant]

YES! New Atero's description!

Ahem.

Anyway, good chapter! I really liked the wording, the character's thoughts... oh, and a super-secret-not-to-mention-evil-Void-occuping-fiend. That was definitely a plus.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Chapter five was good, but for me, chapter six really stuck out. There was a lot of great word usage that set the mood quite effectively.

The being in the void was interesting - it reminded me a bit of the conclusion to the 2001 Bionicle story, when Makuta (claiming to be the Void) became a swirling mass of parts that attacked the Toa.

YES! New Atero's description!

Ahem.

Anyway, good chapter! I really liked the wording, the character's thoughts... oh, and a super-secret-not-to-mention-evil-Void-occuping-fiend. That was definitely a plus.

Okay guys, let's start. As Tazakk noticed, this chapter was very descriptive, but it also had a new, important character: the thing in the void. We'll know more about it in chapter 8 ( or 9 ). Then, New Atero's description. As Darkon told me in a PM, I've finally put on some details of it, and more is coming in the next chapter. About wording and thoughts, I based it on myself, it's kinda auto-biographical.

I'm happy you're enjoying my epic, but there's news, Darkon should know what I'm talkin' about! In facts, soon I'm going to post the first official MOC of Team Curse, maybe also with a drawing done by me, so keep track of my activities!


EDIT: okay, chapter 7 is ready and will come out tomorrow, the sixth of May. Sorry for the delay, but we must thank the "malicious individual" for that, above all.

Edited by Emile A239, May 05 2012 - 12:55 PM.

[Replicant]

I have no doubt, what so ever, that this is my favorite chapter yet. The description, atmosphere, and dialouge are better than ever, and, well, the flash back was something I've been hoping for a long time.

Certainly getting more excited every chapter!

[The Renegade Emperor]

The flash back is part of the unveiling of the misterious Toa and soon he'll get a name and a body. I'm happy you liked the dialogues, because I really wanted to make them better, to make them feel friendlier and I hope this worked. The atmosphere was inspired by a live-action trailer for Halo 3: ODST, "We are ODST", you should check that to find out how I somewhat imagined the scene of the battle. Chapter 8 is going to be perhaps the longest that I'll post and perhaps even the best, in my opinion. I'm starting it tomorrow and I'll also start taking the photos of Aetius.

Big updates on the way!

[Replicant]

This was a certainly refreshing chapter, giving us readers a bit of history to read and digest before moving the plot along.

While I think that at a few moments, the telling was simply too 'blunt', for the most part this was an excellent chapter.

Found a few errors for you to fix :

In a century years

In a century/in a hundred years

People isn't

People aren't.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Nice to see that you liked this one. I've fixed the errors and, during my short vacation in Switzerland, I'll probably start writing chapter 9. But, due to the same vacation, I won't be able to post Aetius MOC as said. I'm really sorry about the great delays that are occurring and I'll try to improve myself.

[Tazakk]

I enjoyed both chapters eight and nine, it was interesting to see some of the history of the two main characters back to back. I think the most interesting part for me was the Exomyte, and how it apparently never stops burning.

Now I'm wondering if the main character's attacker is somehow related to the people who wiped out the Cuhmeiri...

[The Renegade Emperor]

Thanks for your review, Tazakk! Glad you enjoyed both! Chapter 9 is almost done and has some more big surprises!

[Replicant]

Oh, that was a good one.

The first two parts of the story were my favorites, setting the tone, revealing the characters' thoughts. I really enjoyed this one, and I can't wait to read the next.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Oh, that was a good one.

The first two parts of the story were my favorites, setting the tone, revealing the characters' thoughts. I really enjoyed this one, and I can't wait to read the next.

Well, happy you liked this! But, what do you say about the Vorox-thing? ( I'm asking because it's a thing I've bet much on )

[Tazakk]

The Vorox aquiring the aility to speak was an exciting plot twist! It will be interesting to see how it effects the course of the story.

I have a feeling I may be referring back to this chapter often later on, trying to figure who of the team is who in the prophecy.

[The Renegade Emperor]

The Vorox aquiring the aility to speak was an exciting plot twist! It will be interesting to see how it effects the course of the story.

I have a feeling I may be referring back to this chapter often later on, trying to figure who of the team is who in the prophecy.

Glad it turned out to be exciting!

I don't think you'll have to refer back to this chapter, I was planning on saying it step by step, whenever the prophecy came to reality.

And, I've got the photos of Aetius. I should post them as soon as possible.

[Replicant]

This is getting better and better.

The second point of view is much appreciated, and if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, you should keep it. I'd love to see how the Turaga and the Council react to all the events Aetius & Co are sure to witness/create.

The new character was an interesting addition, and all together, this was a very nice chapter, a brief escape to another being's mind and perspective.

[joev14]

I love this epic, sorry I haven't gotten around to actually posting in the review topic. there are however, a few typos and awkwardly written sentences that could be done better. but you do a fantastic job of describing your characters. I am now certain I know who the Toa is, and I think you kind of gave it away when you mentioned he had golden armor you should reveal his name in the next chapter, since it's getting a little bit boring to have him referred to as simply "the Toa when it's quite obvious who he is now. Just a thought. Keep up the good work, I'm also eager to hear more about the Vorox, he's a nice addition to the team.

[The Renegade Emperor]

This is getting better and better.

The second point of view is much appreciated, and if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion, you should keep it. I'd love to see how the Turaga and the Council react to all the events Aetius & Co are sure to witness/create.

The new character was an interesting addition, and all together, this was a very nice chapter, a brief escape to another being's mind and perspective.

Thanks for the review and glad you liked this one, too. For your information, I should keep that style also in the next Chapter. Big twist next time, beware!

I love this epic, sorry I haven't gotten around to actually posting in the review topic. there are however, a few typos and awkwardly written sentences that could be done better. but you do a fantastic job of describing your characters. I am now certain I know who the Toa is, and I think you kind of gave it away when you mentioned he had golden armor you should reveal his name in the next chapter, since it's getting a little bit boring to have him referred to as simply "the Toa when it's quite obvious who he is now. Just a thought. Keep up the good work, I'm also eager to hear more about the Vorox, he's a nice addition to the team.

Thanks for the review and welcome to the Team Curse Fan club! The golden armor is actually part of his "return". Can't say more, it's gonna be explained soon! I was planning to reveal his name in Chapter 12, so hold tight. It's close, if I won't be slowed a lot due to school. Glad you liked the Vorox, he's something I bet much on.
Would you kindly, if possible, list the errors and awkward sentences you've found? My English still has to be improved a lot. ^^"

Thanks again for the reviews, guys! I'll surely keep up the work and I'll start writing Chapter 11 as soon as I have a decent break, probably this Saturday.

[Tazakk]

It was nice to hear from a familiar character in this chapter - Vakama. I think the way you introduced him was clever; at the moment, we don't know if he is going to be an antagonist or not. As such, even though we are all familiar with Vakama, there is a new dynamic to him that keeps things interesting. It was also nice to see things from a new perspective in general.

Nice work!

[The Renegade Emperor]

It was nice to hear from a familiar character in this chapter - Vakama. I think the way you introduced him was clever; at the moment, we don't know if he is going to be an antagonist or not. As such, even though we are all familiar with Vakama, there is a new dynamic to him that keeps things interesting. It was also nice to see things from a new perspective in general.

Nice work!

Well, thank you for your review, Tazakk! Vakama was actually meant to be put in the plot before this chapter, but that part got changed and he "fell" here. I'm glad this turned out to be well done.

I'm happy this first milestone had a positive reception also from you! A big surprise in the next chapter waits everyone!