30 replies to this topic

[Aderia]

Setting the Stage: A mission of infiltration, a plan twisted enough for Karzahni himself, and a manipulated son of Makuta at its center. Borrowing from the dead to steal from the living, this sinister plot aims to destroy an entire Stronghold of Toa, and at the same time, put Metru Nui itself at the mercy of the Makuta. And as we know, Makuta have no mercy.

• Prologue/Preview: Perfectionist
• Part 1
• Part 2
• Part 3
• Part 4
• Part 5
• Part 6
• Part 7
• Part 8
• Part 9

Okay, so I've been working on this epic for a while, and I'm honestly pretty excited for people to read it,so feeback is especially appreciated I don't really have a set schedule for posting new chapters, so the best I can say is keep your eyes peeled.

As always, written for you.

Enjoy!

Edited by Aderia, Aug 09 2012 - 07:29 PM.

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

So we got an experimental living Makuta weapon, a group of assassins targeting an island of Toa, Metru Nui: Dark Hunter/Toa War to keep in mind, and two Toa, one who's older and one who's younger, gravity and psionics in type respectively.

Wow.

The first chapter packed a truck load of information and still had plenty of time to give these characters life. And it's not too long or anything so people have no excuse to not read it all the way through. Your detail was done very well including locations and character design which I know from your previous works that those were going to be good.

I can't say too much, because we're only on the first chapter. But you've really hooked a reader here. I'm interested in Ineha as much as (maybe more than) Evior to be honest. Her back story is interesting and leaves a lot to be discovered. For Evior I'm really wondering what kind of personality he has. He seems to be content with just following Makuta orders, but I feel like he's an open book, so still open to outside influences. Or maybe he is solid in the Makuta reasoning, and that's going to be a major plotline with the Toa he's probably going to eventually fight... either way, I'm excited and can't wait for the next chapter. So until then keep up the good work!

(I didn't write that review with a single emote )

[Aderia]

So we got an experimental living Makuta weapon, a group of assassins targeting an island of Toa, Metru Nui: Dark Hunter/Toa War to keep in mind, and two Toa, one who's older and one who's younger, gravity and psionics in type respectively.

Wow.

The first chapter packed a truck load of information and still had plenty of time to give these characters life. And it's not too long or anything so people have no excuse to not read it all the way through. Your detail was done very well including locations and character design which I know from your previous works that those were going to be good.

I can't say too much, because we're only on the first chapter. But you've really hooked a reader here. I'm interested in Ineha as much as (maybe more than) Evior to be honest. Her back story is interesting and leaves a lot to be discovered. For Evior I'm really wondering what kind of personality he has. He seems to be content with just following Makuta orders, but I feel like he's an open book, so still open to outside influences. Or maybe he is solid in the Makuta reasoning, and that's going to be a major plotline with the Toa he's probably going to eventually fight... either way, I'm excited and can't wait for the next chapter. So until then keep up the good work!

(I didn't write that review with a single emote )

Ahaha, well I'm glad I've hooked at least one reader

Initially, yes, I was worried that the first chapter (and possibly the next few) would dump too much information at once on readers. But I'm not planning a super long epic here, and I'm really itching for the action to pick up. But at this point, jus as you can't say too much, neither can I, since I would hate to ruin the plotline.

[The Marlfox]

haha, so i really like Evior's social awkwardness. it kinda reminded me of me, ya know? i really like this so far and all, but i'm still wondering where the heck this plot is going, i can't wait for more!

also, not that you've done this, but just be careful not to add too many characters, because i've read epics before where the whole cast is pretty much OC's, and the author dumps them all on you at once, and it's really hard to keep track of them. like i said, you haven't done that, but keep it that way.

anyways, really good work here, i'll be keeping my eye out for updates!

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

BB has a good point, becareful of dumping too many OCs over the course of this epic, though I don't see that problem now, I'm just saying. Anyway it's interesting about Toa Ducha. I'm wondering if her old personality is seeping through, if so that'd be kinda awesome.

Edited by The Great Grant in the Sky, Mar 05 2012 - 01:24 PM.

[The Marlfox]

sheesh, keep us waiting long enough? i had to go re-read the previous chapters, b/c i couldn't remember everything, it's been so long since the last update. if there's one thing you can work on, it's updating quicker.

but it's okay, because it was totally worth it!!

not that your other chapters weren't the same, but this one especially i liked your attention to detail. except, sometimes the details seemed a bit random. not really in a negative way, though. more like 'what does that really have to do with anything?'

anyways, this chapter was also pretty cool, because i really loved the sense of suspense (heh, rhyme) you built up towards the end of the chapter. i really hope you'll give us the interrogation soon!

i really am excited for where you seem to be taking this epic. like Grant said, you've got me hooked!

KUTGW

[Aderia]

sheesh, keep us waiting long enough? i had to go re-read the previous chapters, b/c i couldn't remember everything, it's been so long since the last update. if there's one thing you can work on, it's updating quicker.

but it's okay, because it was totally worth it!!

not that your other chapters weren't the same, but this one especially i liked your attention to detail. except, sometimes the details seemed a bit random. not really in a negative way, though. more like 'what does that really have to do with anything?'

anyways, this chapter was also pretty cool, because i really loved the sense of suspense (heh, rhyme) you built up towards the end of the chapter. i really hope you'll give us the interrogation soon!

i really am excited for where you seem to be taking this epic. like Grant said, you've got me hooked!

KUTGW

Hey, thanks! i didn't expect a review so soon!

Eheh, yeah... and about that update-lag. Yeah, sorry. Real life's been keeping me pretty busy. That and procrastination, as usual. Aha, and i'm glad you thought the wait was worth it. I'm not sure others would say the same.

And yeah, from now on, I'll pay more attention to the relevence of certain details. But could you possibly pinpoint where some of those more irrelevent ones are? it'd be nice to have a basis to spin off of.

Again, thankyou, and I'll try not to keep you waiting so long next time!

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

This next chapter is going to be done very well. Man I'm really loving the details, like how Ineha doesn't trust her own powers to be able to detect that the body of the Toa of Water is just dead. Also a conversation between Ineha and Evior was something I could guess was destined to happen since both characters were introduced. I'm really looking forward to it, those kind of meetings are always stuff you don't want to forget. Anyway, great detail as always and can't wait for the next chapter!

[The Marlfox]

sheesh, keep us waiting long enough? i had to go re-read the previous chapters, b/c i couldn't remember everything, it's been so long since the last update. if there's one thing you can work on, it's updating quicker.

but it's okay, because it was totally worth it!!

not that your other chapters weren't the same, but this one especially i liked your attention to detail. except, sometimes the details seemed a bit random. not really in a negative way, though. more like 'what does that really have to do with anything?'

anyways, this chapter was also pretty cool, because i really loved the sense of suspense (heh, rhyme) you built up towards the end of the chapter. i really hope you'll give us the interrogation soon!

i really am excited for where you seem to be taking this epic. like Grant said, you've got me hooked!

KUTGW

Hey, thanks! i didn't expect a review so soon!

Eheh, yeah... and about that update-lag. Yeah, sorry. Real life's been keeping me pretty busy. That and procrastination, as usual. Aha, and i'm glad you thought the wait was worth it. I'm not sure others would say the same.

And yeah, from now on, I'll pay more attention to the relevence of certain details. But could you possibly pinpoint where some of those more irrelevent ones are? it'd be nice to have a basis to spin off of.

Again, thankyou, and I'll try not to keep you waiting so long next time!

haha, procrastination, you and me both. xcept its mostly homework in my case. sorry i didn't see your reply sooner, but i can't really remember enough detail to pinpoint those detail things.

off topic, will you ever update your other epic, second to none, again? i really liked that one.

[Aderia]

This next chapter is going to be done very well. Man I'm really loving the details, like how Ineha doesn't trust her own powers to be able to detect that the body of the Toa of Water is just dead. Also a conversation between Ineha and Evior was something I could guess was destined to happen since both characters were introduced. I'm really looking forward to it, those kind of meetings are always stuff you don't want to forget. Anyway, great detail as always and can't wait for the next chapter!

Thanks Grant! I've written the next chapter, but I'm working to make it shine.

haha, procrastination, you and me both. xcept its mostly homework in my case. sorry i didn't see your reply sooner, but i can't really remember enough detail to pinpoint those detail things.

off topic, will you ever update your other epic, second to none, again? i really liked that one.

Ahh, don't get me wrong, I procrastinate on schoolwork too (what do you think I'm doing now?), not that I'm proud of it though. And about Second to None. That's kind of hard to say. I actually wrote it a while ago, and I'm considering a rewrite. I'll keep you posted, though.

[The Marlfox]

i dunno why this epic doesn't have more reviews. i know i really like it, for one.

in part 4 [no chapter titles? ], at first, Evior's sudden change of personality threw me off during his first interrogation. he never seemed to be cocky or smug on purpose before. but i like how you described it later on, like he was acting his part or something.

anyways, i like how ineha's character is coming out, and i hope evior's character isn't going to permanently be cocky, because i liked how you were playing his social ineptness angle.

i spotted a few formatting typoes, but taht's about it. keep up the good work, and i'm really excited to see where you're taking this epic. you're keeping me guessing

[Aderia]

i dunno why this epic doesn't have more reviews. i know i really like it, for one.

in part 4 [no chapter titles? ], at first, Evior's sudden change of personality threw me off during his first interrogation. he never seemed to be cocky or smug on purpose before. but i like how you described it later on, like he was acting his part or something.

anyways, i like how ineha's character is coming out, and i hope evior's character isn't going to permanently be cocky, because i liked how you were playing his social ineptness angle.

i spotted a few formatting typoes, but taht's about it. keep up the good work, and i'm really excited to see where you're taking this epic. you're keeping me guessing

Aha, yeahh, no chapter titles sorry.

Ehe, I didn't even think about how much Evior's acting would require his character to change, thanks for pointing that out. I'll try to smooth it out. But no, it's not permanent. thanks again for your faithful reviews Also, nice new sig. Its adorable

[Steelsheen]

Zosia,

You always manage to surprise me with the depth and scope of your creations. One thing no one can accuse you of is two-dimensional characters! Evior, in particular, has an aura something like a trained psychopath... of which he is aware, therefore making him not a psychopath. Ok, so call him a highly functioning sociopath with security issues. And a penchant for nicknaming girls. Whatever.

Inéha clearly has some issues with her Toa powers - which is actually the reason I like her. You have managed to make what I always considered a deus ex machina element not only acceptable but interesting. As a lone personality, she has not had that much showtime, but what we have seen is not exactly a "nice girl". She strikes me as the sort of person who would get a tattoo just because it was against regulations. Not an original type of character, but one that provides a lot of room for growth.

Scuro and Kalott have simply not had enough "time off" (that is, time not spent playing a Toa) for us to have a good grasp of their characters or even to guess who and what they are. I like a little mystery in my stories, and you never write too much until absolutely neccessary. Less is more, for these two.

The general tone of your epic is pretty dark, right up until we see Evior confronted by the conflicting worldviews of Gorast and Inéha. at that point, it switches for a moment to philosophical. "What are the basic motivations of the universe?" you make us wonder. "What is the actual meaning of light and dark?" My favorite moment in what has otherwise been an action story.

All in all, you have a very solid start to what will no doubt become a great story. I do have one criticism, though: even if Ducha lived in the Toa fortress prior to her death, Toa who just drop off the map are suspicious (think Nidhiki here). And judging by the high-security measures of the Toa, they should have screened her a little more before letting her and her unknown companion loose. It's like the FBI welcoming back an agent who disappeared for years... And letting him bring his new friend back to work. Just a thought.

-HH

Edited by Hahli Historian, May 29 2012 - 10:35 PM.

[Aderia]

Hey, Hahli, thank you so much for your in-depth review. It's awesome to be working on the ECC with you.

Anyways, you've given me a lot to keep in mind and add and watch for when I finish out this epic, thank you for that. I also really appreciate your character analyses, since it's something I've been working on lately.

Again, thanks so much! (do I sound like a broken record yet?)

[Grantaire]

“The wind and rain are going to blow straight in here. You’re lucky we don’t have a real fire to feed.” A scowl darkened her Kanohi Iden.

Rather ambiguous, and a little confusing. Perhaps 'continued Kalott, a scowl darkened her Kanohi Iden.'

Ducha, Toa of Water, or at least, she used to be. A Brotherhood operative had come across her body, crushed by a rockslide, about a year ago. Sources identified her, and traced her back to the Stronghold. Makuta Mutran had formulated the plan from that point. Evior didn’t know how to feel about this job. While it was genius, the immorality of it haunted him continuously.

'Ducha was a Toa of Water' might look better; otherwise it just appears to be a half finished sentence

As Scuro and Kalott milled around, trying to settle down, Evior closed his eyes and focused. Invisible energy pulsed out of Evior, and the two of his companions dropped immediately into a Kraata-power induced slumber. “Sweet dreams.” He murmured, drifting off in his

turn..

Looks like you hit enter by accident.

“I know it’s true,” her companion answered, eyes not wavering from his path. “They talk about it in the Control meetings every week."

Added a quotation mark there.

“Consider it another obstacle for your training,” He replied. “Besides, you were expending too much energy, maintaining that illusion. You would have exhausted yourself. You see, when it comes o making your illusions realistic, it really helps to have a first-hand knowledge of what you’re trying to replicate.”

*to

“You see, contrary to popular belief, we Ba-Toa are quite capable of more than just picking things up and putting them down without touching them. Before you knew me, I’d trained with a Kanohi Mahiki, a Mask of Illusions. And before that, a Kanohi Suletu, a Mask of Telepathy. And on top of that, I’ve had limited
experiences with the Kanohi Komau, Mask of Mind Control, the Kanohi Matatu, Mask of Telekinesis, and-“

Another enter problem.

A blast of Chain Lightning from Evior sent the Rahi flying. Cat's always land on their feet, and by this time, both Evior and Ducha were ready for it when it rounded on them again. Evior took advantage of the Rahi's indecision of target, and his whip wrapped around the animal's neck, and a powerful twist of Evior's arm, and the Rahi was flailing on its back. Another yank of the whip, and the choking wheeze of the Muaka's breath was the only sound it could make. The flailing of limbs subsided, giving Evior the opportunity to move in, with his boot to the Rahi's windpipe.

Cats.

Should he feel pity for himself, because he had nobody to break his heart? He didn't know. He had been taught that society, more specifically, the individuals that made up society, were dangerous. They were dangerous because they could make you weak. They could make you care about them just with their words and simple actions. And caring led to vulnerability. Vulnerability mean weakness, and weakness ultimately resulted in error, and too many errors led to failure. Failure was unacceptable.

Meant.

---

Okay, now that I've crushed your spirit with my nitpicks, onto the main review.

Wow. That's overall my impression. This story is really, really good. For some reason it reminds me of Inferna's Heroes and Halflings although it's certainly unique.

Evior had me, even from the start. Heck, even from the preview SS you wrote about him. He's a villain, but he's just a person you instinctively like. I hope you'll forgive me for wholeheartedly rooting for him now.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Halhi Historian: no one can accuse you of making 2D characters. Evior is the most depthful, being the main character, but the other characters certainly came to life in my mind; they fit a lot of standards such as the mentor figure (Valeron), sure, but they stood on their own. I can raise no problems whatsoever here.

The setting is during one of my favorites, pre-cataclysm, and pre-T/DH war. I greatly enjoyed the toa stronghold theme, and the infiltrating mission was interesting. But I can tell that all this isn't the main theme; Evior is. I loved the 'you were made to be perfect/if everything was perfect/anything less is unacceptable/life would be boring.' Very nice contrast (incidentally, I would advise removing the dots and aligning the text to the right for those italiced lines in the story). I was interested at Evior's internal struggle in the SS, and I still am. Honestly, he's the best part of this story. The interrogation scene was especially good.

I think I'll end this review with one simple statement: this story has to be one of my favorites on BZP right now, update it already!

ZARAYNA

As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous

[Aderia]

“The wind and rain are going to blow straight in here. You’re lucky we don’t have a real fire to feed.” A scowl darkened her Kanohi Iden.

Rather ambiguous, and a little confusing. Perhaps 'continued Kalott, a scowl darkened her Kanohi Iden.'

Ducha, Toa of Water, or at least, she used to be. A Brotherhood operative had come across her body, crushed by a rockslide, about a year ago. Sources identified her, and traced her back to the Stronghold. Makuta Mutran had formulated the plan from that point. Evior didn’t know how to feel about this job. While it was genius, the immorality of it haunted him continuously.

'Ducha was a Toa of Water' might look better; otherwise it just appears to be a half finished sentence

As Scuro and Kalott milled around, trying to settle down, Evior closed his eyes and focused. Invisible energy pulsed out of Evior, and the two of his companions dropped immediately into a Kraata-power induced slumber. “Sweet dreams.” He murmured, drifting off in his

turn..

Looks like you hit enter by accident.

“I know it’s true,” her companion answered, eyes not wavering from his path. “They talk about it in the Control meetings every week."

Added a quotation mark there.

“Consider it another obstacle for your training,” He replied. “Besides, you were expending too much energy, maintaining that illusion. You would have exhausted yourself. You see, when it comes o making your illusions realistic, it really helps to have a first-hand knowledge of what you’re trying to replicate.”

*to

“You see, contrary to popular belief, we Ba-Toa are quite capable of more than just picking things up and putting them down without touching them. Before you knew me, I’d trained with a Kanohi Mahiki, a Mask of Illusions. And before that, a Kanohi Suletu, a Mask of Telepathy. And on top of that, I’ve had limited
experiences with the Kanohi Komau, Mask of Mind Control, the Kanohi Matatu, Mask of Telekinesis, and-“

Another enter problem.

A blast of Chain Lightning from Evior sent the Rahi flying. Cat's always land on their feet, and by this time, both Evior and Ducha were ready for it when it rounded on them again. Evior took advantage of the Rahi's indecision of target, and his whip wrapped around the animal's neck, and a powerful twist of Evior's arm, and the Rahi was flailing on its back. Another yank of the whip, and the choking wheeze of the Muaka's breath was the only sound it could make. The flailing of limbs subsided, giving Evior the opportunity to move in, with his boot to the Rahi's windpipe.

Cats.

Should he feel pity for himself, because he had nobody to break his heart? He didn't know. He had been taught that society, more specifically, the individuals that made up society, were dangerous. They were dangerous because they could make you weak. They could make you care about them just with their words and simple actions. And caring led to vulnerability. Vulnerability mean weakness, and weakness ultimately resulted in error, and too many errors led to failure. Failure was unacceptable.

Meant.

---

Okay, now that I've crushed your spirit with my nitpicks, onto the main review.

Wow. That's overall my impression. This story is really, really good. For some reason it reminds me of Inferna's Heroes and Halflings although it's certainly unique.

Evior had me, even from the start. Heck, even from the preview SS you wrote about him. He's a villain, but he's just a person you instinctively like. I hope you'll forgive me for wholeheartedly rooting for him now.

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Halhi Historian: no one can accuse you of making 2D characters. Evior is the most depthful, being the main character, but the other characters certainly came to life in my mind; they fit a lot of standards such as the mentor figure (Valeron), sure, but they stood on their own. I can raise no problems whatsoever here.

The setting is during one of my favorites, pre-cataclysm, and pre-T/DH war. I greatly enjoyed the toa stronghold theme, and the infiltrating mission was interesting. But I can tell that all this isn't the main theme; Evior is. I loved the 'you were made to be perfect/if everything was perfect/anything less is unacceptable/life would be boring.' Very nice contrast (incidentally, I would advise removing the dots and aligning the text to the right for those italiced lines in the story). I was interested at Evior's internal struggle in the SS, and I still am. Honestly, he's the best part of this story. The interrogation scene was especially good.

I think I'll end this review with one simple statement: this story has to be one of my favorites on BZP right now, update it already!

ZARAYNA

As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous

Darnit, Zar, those dots were supposed to be invisible

Anyways, thanks so much for the review! And I think being compared to Inferna is one of the best compliments I've ever recieved. Also, don't worry about your nitpicks. You know I'd do the same for you, probly worse. I'll probly go in and fix those nitpicks, sooner rather than later. And you can glare at the Flash Fiction Warm Up for lack of updates. Don't worry, I don't plan on keeping you hanging too long.

Nice sign off, by the way. How long has it been there? "As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous" Very Zar-esque.

Edited by Aderia, Jun 15 2012 - 10:10 PM.

[Cederak]

I can't tell you how long I've been meaning to read this. And I mean that literally - I've completely lost track of how many times I've loaded up the epic's page and found myself busy with/distracted by something else before I could even begin. You'd be surprised how mesmerizing shiny objects can be. Anyway, it looks like Zarayna and I caught some of the same mistakes while reading, so I'll just run through the ones he missed. Nothing too serious, I assure you.


Part 1

“And when I became I toa, I promised myself that wouldn’t be me.

“And when I became a Toa, I promised myself that wouldn’t be me.

Part 5

She threw hr elbow up,

She threw her elbow up,

Part 6

The location of Arthaka?

The location of Artakha?

His companions words bit into him sharply.

His companion's words bit into him sharply.


From your description of Faux's current events, this epic would appear to take place approximately three millennia before the Great Cataclysm, if memory serves correct. Which means, canon-wise, the location of Artakha (as mentioned in the minor error above) is still knowledge to some, even if they don't know its exact position. Or if the location of Artakha has truly been lost already, then the Dark Hunter conflict in Metru Nui is one entirely concocted by you. I'm not sure how close you follow canon and I suppose it doesn't matter much since we're all free to build our own versions and variants, it was just something I noticed. I used to frequent S&T quite a bit before becoming the writer I am now, so some of that instinct still follows me around.

At first, I was very curious if Evior could create Kraata, being similar to the Makuta. After seeing the toll using small amounts of their power take on him, combined with the fact that Makuta had a hard enough time making Kraata before becoming pure energy, I would assume Evior would die before completing the process if it were even possible. Evior is an interesting character, to say the least. Deprivation of interaction with society can really mess with someone's psyche when they're finally thrown into the "outside world," and that certainly shows in him.

What really struck a chord was the first mention of "Faux Ducha." Suddenly, not only did the title make sense, but my tendency to read into things excessively suddenly lit up. My "Writing Spidey-Sense," if you will. Much like how Ducha is a shell of a Toa being handled by others, the same could be said of Evior (in a sense) being a shell of a Makuta, directed by his superiors. The mantra, nay, the demand and expectation of perfection is an instrument, and Evior is it's player. From a physical aspect, Ducha and Evior exist, but they are merely artificial in their own ways.

I enjoyed the interactions of your characters overall though. Through the interrogations, the dialogue between the stronghold Toa (did the stronghold have a name?), and the dialogue between Evior and the other agents, the characters all retain a sense of realism to their speech. I've seen enough of your work by this point to know your descriptive prowess is excellent. As your boss, that's actually my job in a way.

The overarching idea that a large-scale plot all relies on the success of maintaining the Ducha façade really interests me, and I'm relieved to see the action shifts between characters. I don't think Evior alone at the helm would seem quite as exciting to read about. It's not something I can fault you for, Evior's story makes him almost intrinsically a shell, as I stated before. He works well in that role, even going so far as to have a moment of crisis to debate the premise of perfection with himself and suffering an internal conflict over a nihilistic view of the world because of how he lives his life. Meanwhile, the Toa are full of character, full of a wide range of emotions that, though limited in Evior by his choosing, they are unafraid to show. This is epitomized in Inéha and she seems like the most dynamic character of the bunch. Which is my way of saying I really like her.

I think it's fair to say you just got an ECC-sized review without the official seal of approval at the top. That wasn't my intention at the start, but since I'm presently involved in two separate critic clubs, it's clear that I am a product of my environment in that respect. It's been a little over seven months since I last read an epic from you and while I truly liked that one, I can safely say your writing abilities have improved in that interim. Wonderful work, Aderia.

-Ced

[Grantaire]

Darnit, Zar, those dots were supposed to be invisible

Ads, I've been using invisible dots for ages; give me some credit for recognizing their mark.

Also, as you can tell, there's a way to avoid dots and still get indents.

Anyways, thanks so much for the review! And I think being compared to Inferna is one of the best compliments I've ever recieved.

The best would be being compared to Grant, right?

Also, don't worry about your nitpicks. You know I'd do the same for you, probly worse. I'll probly go in and fix those nitpicks, sooner rather than later. And you can glare at the Flash Fiction Warm Up for lack of updates. Don't worry, I don't plan on keeping you hanging too long.

*Glares balefully at the Flash Fiction contest*

Nice sign off, by the way. How long has it been there? "As the opposite of what you say is true, your statement must be erroneous" Very Zar-esque.

Aquinasistic, actually, It was from The Quiet Light a book about St. Thomas Aquinas. It was in my sig for the last few months, but since I filled said sig with banners...

From your description of Faux's current events, this epic would appear to take place approximately three millennia before the Great Cataclysm, if memory serves correct.

You're off about 501 years; Toa/Dark Hunter war was 3,500 BGC, and this is just before it.

[Cederak]

You're off about 501 years; Toa/Dark Hunter war was 3,500 BGC, and this is just before it.

Decided to glance at the BS01 MU timeline. The Toa/DH War events are placed at 3,000. This is further supported by Hakann's account of the war during Legacy of Evil being mentioned as "roughly 3,000 years ago."

-Ced

[Grantaire]

*Facepalms* My apologies, I was thinking of the Tuyet incident. However, we don't know how long ago this story is, besides the fact that it takes place between 4,000-3,000 BGC; the anchor for date is the mention that turaga Dume had just almost been captured, and there's no specificdate for when that happened. However, it's probably closer to 3,000 than 4,000.

Edited by Zarayna: The Quiet Light, Jun 16 2012 - 01:23 PM.

[Aderia]

@Ced - Haha, Zar reviewed your review. Didn't see that coming Oh well.

And yes, this is the Toa/Dark Hunter War, and I try to follow the general concept of canon that I have floating around in my head. I find that if I try to follow as exactly as I can, though, I end up lost and annoyed because timings never work out etc. etc. I might take a leaf out of your book and drop by S&T with some questions.

To answer your other question, no the stronghold does not have a name as of yet, but now that you mention it, I may have to come up with one.

Thanks for digging up all those nitpicks, boss, I'll go in and get those. I'm really glad you like it so far.



@Zar: The fact that you reviewed a review just to be proven wrong made me laugh, and now my life is that much better. Thanks

Edited by Aderia, Jun 19 2012 - 07:27 PM.

[Grantaire]

Indeed, I am greatly pleased that my failage has caused such humor, for such a reaction redeems the embarrassment natural to it.

Edited by Zarayna: The Quiet Light, Jun 19 2012 - 09:21 PM.

[Steelsheen]

Ah, another chapter well done, Aderia! Your scenery and people described so well, with just the right amount of adjectives. As Inéha progresses, I like her more and more - she's less abrasive and more understandably tough. Evior is getting a little hard to understand, though; having been brainwashed all his life and being self-acknowledged "Makuta spawn", his attraction to Inéha is strong enough after a few days to make him risk his life for her? He's either very love-sick, or he's just never met anyone who made him think before. Or maybe he's tired of being "perfect". At any rate, I like the pace this is going at and can't wait to read more.

-HH

[Aderia]

@Hahli: This time around, I'm focusing on character development. Hopefully, by the end of things, Evior will make sense. I'm really glad you pointed out those things, so I know specifically what to work on with him. Thanks for rolling with the punches with me, I got hit with a nasty case of writer's block at the beginning of the chapter, I had no clue how it would turn out. =)

[Cederak]

I was feeling similar to Hahli Historian's view on Evior with this chapter, but after I went back to read the chapter a second time (since you mentioned working on character development), I changed my mind. I'm sure I'm reading into things again here, but Evior continually refers to Inéha as "angel." Angels are often regarded as messengers, delivering words of significance in place of something more powerful than themselves. In this case, it would almost seem there's an underlying importance to Inéha's role as an unwitting messenger for the Great Spirit to inform Evior that there is so much more to life than perfection. She wished to open his eyes to that reality and it certainly seems to be working. Anyway, that's just my take on it. I'm probably way out in left field with that, but I love to analyze little symbolisms that seem to stand out when I read something.

Only stumbled upon one error.

From her vantage point, she launched barbs of Psionic energy were launched at the animal’s mind.

Other than that, no problems in sight. Keep it up, Aderia.

-Ced

[Aderia]

Aha, thank you Ced. What would I do without you to read depth and hidden meanigns into my ramblings? XD

Anywhoo, it's long in coming but new chapter, so ta da! Character expansion, or at least my writing-spree 2AM version of it. Enjoy!

[Grantaire]

Habemus capite! We have a chapter!

Err, that aside, I'm glad to see another chapter up. You said you wrote it at 2 AM, and you did an excellent job at it. I've always enjoyed your writing, honestly. It's not in depth in wordiness, but its best part is that it well-tells a story. This epic gets its place in my top 10 precisely because of that; it portrays characters, dialogue, and suchlike very well.

Evior is a simply epic character, and the dilemma he's found himself in makes him even better; we all knew this had to happen sooner or later, and you wrote it out well. His interaction with Ineha is also funny; they seem to be quite in contrast, but they seem to fit well as a team. I somehow have a feeling that they'll end up as a team; the dynamic is too good to waste.

“Are you mocking me?” She demanded.

'S' should not be capitalized. Only error I could find though.


Now, get to work on the next chapter.

[The Marlfox]

hey its been a while since i posted here. i'm still keeping up with your story, just to let you know. it just keeps getting better, imo. there's not much i can say past that, other than keep up the awesome work. one thing, though. did evior ever make it to the cave with his two friends after that fake patrol thing? i'm a bit confused about what happened there.

[Aderia]

Habemus capite! We have a chapter!

Err, that aside, I'm glad to see another chapter up. You said you wrote it at 2 AM, and you did an excellent job at it. I've always enjoyed your writing, honestly. It's not in depth in wordiness, but its best part is that it well-tells a story. This epic gets its place in my top 10 precisely because of that; it portrays characters, dialogue, and suchlike very well.

Evior is a simply epic character, and the dilemma he's found himself in makes him even better; we all knew this had to happen sooner or later, and you wrote it out well. His interaction with Ineha is also funny; they seem to be quite in contrast, but they seem to fit well as a team. I somehow have a feeling that they'll end up as a team; the dynamic is too good to waste.

“Are you mocking me?” She demanded.

'S' should not be capitalized. Only error I could find though.


Now, get to work on the next chapter.

Aha, thank you, Zar. I'll get on that next chapter sooner rather than later, hopefully. XD I'm glad you like Evior's character so much, I've been putting a lot of thought into it.

hey its been a while since i posted here. i'm still keeping up with your story, just to let you know. it just keeps getting better, imo. there's not much i can say past that, other than keep up the awesome work. one thing, though. did evior ever make it to the cave with his two friends after that fake patrol thing? i'm a bit confused about what happened there.

Ah, yes. That. I'm glad you reminded me of that, I'll have to do something about that. ...I mean, what? No, I deliberately forgot about that scene, it's a specific plot device called- Yeah no nevermind, I forgot. But again, thank you for reminding me, plus dropping in to say hi. It's nice to hear from you again =)

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

Haven't dropped in here in a while. But I wanted to share some comments about the epic thus far and I've reached all the way to part 8, which was the current chapter.

There are quite a few details here that keep reaching out to me. First off the Characters, and the first character I'll talk about is Evior.

It's interesting about Evior, because despite his purpose to be perfect and a lethal assassin, it's shown he has some serious flaws. He's already double checking his standards and morality, and his powers while various, aren't unlimited in supply and lack quality. To be honest, I'm rethinking about the reasons Evior was made in the first place, and somehow I feel like once we reach the end of this epic it's going to reveal that Evior has been being used by the Makuta since day one.

As far as his character development goes (maybe not his character back story and the character himself), it's solid. I thought he was a an okay character at first, but he's raising the bar. His change is really believable considering he's not anywhere near the perfect "Faux Makuta" he was made to be (or that I thought he was at the beginning of the epic). It's obvious why he's doubting himself. The being has been given complete freewill and has never seen anything outside shadows all his life, so I feel like a new scenery should surprise him. I'm interested in where he's going to end up, and though I believe he's going to be joining the good team at the end, his reasons for doing so will be a principle part of this epic. I look oh so forward to it!

For the next, my favorite character is Ineha so far, and by far. She has a clear view on things, on what she wants to become and what should happen. Constantly reading her frustrations about her not reaching her goals, really relates to the reader. She has great skills, but having misfortune continue to plague her is realistic. She's tough and straight forward, but very caring toward her friends and even Evior to a degree or as much as she'll allow. She's not annoyingly powerful or all knowing and stereotypical like a LOT of rougher characters can be. And her dialogue with her mentor and Evior is good, which often isn't very deep or symbolic and just real conversations with a hint of heart in them that drive the story forward. (Do not change those conversations! <3)

If I have anything bad to say, I think it's the pace of the plot... I like the story, but I'm wondering what the Makuta are going to think once they find out that Evior has saved Ineha. And also now that she's hurt, I'm wondering how long it'll take for her to heal. And will her journey continue to dwell in the fortress or will she make it to Metru Nui? And another person I'm wondering about is Faux Ducha, who I hoped would get a little more time and back story. :/ It's going a little slow, or I'm totally wrong and maybe I'm just really anxious. Either way, the quality of the writing matters, and it's fantastic!

And that's all I really have, since this epic is more character driven I thought I'd give my thoughts. =D I'm really enjoying the epic so far, and I think you're doing a wonderful job, which knowing your stuff, that's to be expected! Evior has my attention, Ineha has me hooked, and both are continuing to get better.

[CeeCee]

I use a traffic light code fir final scores of my sections:

Gold: Excellent

Green: Very Good

Amber: Acceptable

Red: Needs improvement 

 

If bellow gold I give a little tip on how to progress to the next level

 

Okay, where do I begin(I mean that in a good way). I always try and be more positive when I review, and just see critisms as "little things we can change". Please, however, dont mistake me as easlity pleased. I think Ill get the few critisms out the way before we move on to the good bits so:

 

As far as I could see there were no grammar or spelling errors so that's all good stuff. I think my main little grip is something thats at the start and is not hard to fix and thats this part:

 

 

 

He had begun to review in his mind the lessons of his own youth when quiet laughter caught his attention instead. “What’s so funny?” He asked.

“You’ve been my teacher for so long now, almost a full decade. And it’s taken me this long to figure out that the old ones really are the
wiser ones. Whenever you want to begin this new training, I’m ready.”

 

Nothing wrong with the wording its self, just that it feels so sudden for me as the reader as Ineha is so against using her powers. A good way to fix this would be for us to have an insight and conflict of Ineha when she makes up her mind. It feels like you wasted a good opportunity to have a good old internal debate to flesh out the character a little bit more for further in the book. 

 

Another thing I would like to say is that you could use with some more description. The description that you use is very good and you're by no means dangerously low on it. I just feel the image pained in my mind could be more vivid. For example, when you start a new scene in a new location, explain what it looks like around it. Its much easier to get engrossed in the action when you have a good vision.

 

"Badness" Level Severity: Green (For gold do the steps above)

 

Anyway that all the bad stuff out the way. Lets get on to the good parts. 

 

Writing: Your writing is short but sweet. Its easy to read but I dont feel like Im reading a kiddy book.You use some very good imagery and like I said, some of the description you use is really amazing. Youve got it in you! I never feel lost as to what is going on so I can tell you have enough description in your writing and its very clear. 

 

So Writing Gets a comfortable green Green. You can make it a Gold by just adding a little more description.

 

Characters: I think its safe to say you connect very well with this characters, because you get inside their head and this allows us to know who they are and what they are like. Youve kept it simple with two main characters and one supporting character each for the two of them. As for the main characters you have done a really good job in fleshing them out and making the 3D. In my opinion, great characters > good writing. You make me actually care about them and what happened to them which is a really great thing. As for my favorite character, it has to be  Kalott. I just really like here and she seems like a fun character to write. Shes not exactly minor but I would like to see more of her for definite. Evior isnt far behind and I defintly connect with him the most. You have very good verbal sparing and fun dialouge with all of them which is really nice to read. I also love it when the dialog seems fluent and non-static and you didnt fail to deliver. 

 

Characters gets a very nice Gold

 

The Story: I am defintly engrossed in the story and am very eager to find out what happends next. You havent made things simple which I like and youve gone for the good old complicated romance. I like it. Obviously with your great characters and very good writing, its backed up in a good trio of wonderfulness. I dont know how far you actually are to finishing but with Evior possible just about to confess I dont know. Defintly eager to see more from this and I dont say that lightly.

 

Story gets a Gold

 

Final Score Gold/Green border. Just improve green stuff to progress to gold.

Hope this review helped