6 replies to this topic

[Dallas Winston]

Do you hear the jet plane yawning miles across the sky?
Hear the garbage truck back down the boulevard,
Setting off the car alarms as it passes by?

***********

It’s an odd concept, breathing. One minute, you’re doing it, performing a basic sentient necessity that goes along with being alive, moving, laughing, playing, and the next, the rise and fall attributed to the flow of oxygen in your lungs is gone, and the world goes black and never bothers to fade back into color. And if you’re not able to breathe and you’re still alive, well, you won’t be for much longer.

That, safely to say, is not what the Toa of Fire wanted. Forcing himself from the makeshift coffin that had been created for him by the wreckage of his downed hut, he rubbed his eyes and blinked, as if his eyes were deceiving him, playing a cruel joke on his psyche by superimposing the vicious sight before him.

***********

Do you hear the static of one thousand detuned radios?
Shut the window, love, keep the world outside.
I don’t want to think about anyone.

Matoran, Toa, and Turaga who had been unprepared for the vicious assault lay strewn across the streets, their faces grotesquely trapped by the passage of time in various poses of shock, horror, and anger. He opened his mouth to speak, but his vocal cords, too, appeared to have died in the assault: the most he could utter was a small, wordless whisper of pain.

***********

But the footsteps are getting louder,
Drowning out the sound of the rain as it knocks
On the windowsill.

***********

The Toa of Fire moved towards the hut that had become his Toa Team’s base: surely one of his brothers, or his sister, the love of his life, would walk out from the structure; battered, perhaps, disheartened, definitely. After all, they, too, would have heard the Makuta’s proclamation: he had expelled the Great Spirit Mata Nui from his own body and taken over their world, but surely, they would be willing to fight. Surely, he would find at least one of his teammates, alive and ready to fight the good fight.

He would have no such luck.

***********

I’m not answering the phone, let it ring.
Lately I’ve been feeling like a falling bomb.

***********

The structure was destroyed beyond any comprehension. As the Toa staggered towards the building, tears finally welling in his eyes, his eyes picked up on scattered, multicolored assortments of armor: a white shoulder pad, a green Kanohi Kadin, a sword that belonged to a once-great Toa of Stone…

***********

The ground is getting closer
And the sky is falling
Down…

***********

And there, in the center of the wreckage, lay the motionless body of the team’s Toa of Water, the Toa of Fire's best friend, his first and last love. She wasn’t breathing.

And to top it off, she wasn’t alive, either.

***********

This song has been brought to you…
This song has been brought to you…
By a falling bomb…
By a falling bomb…

***********

The song used in this story was "This Song Brought To You By A Falling Bomb" by Thursday. This was my first story since BZP came back up, so forgive me if it's kind of screwy: I'm still out of practice.

C+C is greatly appreciated. Much love.

-Teezy

Edited by Tyler Durden, Mar 03 2012 - 09:33 PM.

[Grantaire]

Official SSCC review!

The title of this gave me no hint of the story to come, and I'm still not quite sure of its relation to the story.

Next, this story reminds me almost of my own: short, very short. It was overall well written, and I instantly could see the story through the fire toa's eyes. The first paragraphs especially were my favorites. on the negative side however, the story overall seemed to have too little plot, and I found it ending too... Sudden and jerkily. The ending feels incomplete.

It’s an odd concept, breathing. One minute, you’re doing it, performing a basic sentient necessity that goes along with being alive, moving, laughing, playing, and the next, the rise and fall attributed to the flow of oxygen in your lungs is gone, and the world goes black and never bothers to fade back into color.

This sentence seemed rather long to me. Perhaps it would look better if you made it 'playing. The next,'.

The Toa of Fire moved towards the hut that had become his Toa Team’s base: surely one of his brothers, or his sister, the love of his life, would walk out from the structure; battered, perhaps, disheartened, definitely. After all, they, too, would have heard the Makuta’s proclamation: he had expelled the Great Spirit Mata Nui from his own body and taken over their world, but surely, they would be willing to fight. Surely, he would find at least one of his teammates, alive and ready to fight the good fight.

Honestly, this paragraph had a bit too many commas. Perhaps:

The Toa of Fire moved towards the hut that had become his Toa Team’s base: surely one of his brothers, or his sister, the love of his life, would walk out from the structure; battered, perhaps, disheartened, definitely. After all, they too would have heard the Makuta’s proclamation: he had expelled the Great Spirit Mata Nui from his own body and taken over their world, but surely they would be willing to fight. Surely he would find at least one of his teammates, alive and ready to fight the good fight.

Overall, the story, while well written, was a bit too short, and the ending could have been more complete. A decent story, but I must say; it cannot compare to Heartbeats.

[The Novelist Called Nuile]

Even for a short story, this was short; but that's not a bad thing. A story should be as short or as long as necessary to be told. In this case, however, I ratehr agree with Zarayna, that it was too short to tell the story you were trying to tell.

Though I admire your writing style, which was both fluid and evocative, there wasn't enough writing here to truly appreciate it. Moreover, with such a poetic beginning, I was disappointed that it become so quickly prosaic. Toward the end it was a mere statement of fact with little emotion or personality.

And again I agree with Zarayna, in that the ending was precipitate. "He woke up and found out his village was destroyed and his love was dead. The end." What actually happened to the village? Earthquake, Rahkshi? And why did he love the Toa? How long had they known one another? How did he really feel about her? The word love is as vapid and inane as sorry or congrats. Without any real emotion behind it, it sounds perfunctory. I can't feel moved by someone who has no reaction to his love's death. The only emotion he evinced was a light sadness, through his tears; but these were for his team and village, not his Toa of Water. If he had fallen to his knees, torn the Kanohi from his face, and expulsed his heart through his throat in a sonorous ululation, perhaps I would have felt something. But as it was, I didn't.

I'm sorry to be so negative, but there was too little to the story for me to enjoy it. Your writing style, exemplified best in the first paragraph, is all I can commend.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

Being honest I felt like while this story did lack in plot, it made up for it in emotion. You wrote a quick story about a ruined village and a Toa survivor, and while it could have had a lot more to it, what you wrote wasn't bad. So while the guys above have said all the main points, just wanted to throw that out there. Thought it was good and your writing was excellent at least.

[Cederak]

This was definitely more "song" than "fic" and yet they play upon each other very well. It's depressing, certainly, but a reality of what was going on around the Matoran Universe during Teridax's takeover. Despite being short though, you make a point in a very strong way, and I enjoyed this brief look at your writing style. Excellent.

-Ced

[Dallas Winston]

Thanks for all the honest critique, guys! I'll edit this post later responding to certain points from each of you, but for now, since I'm pressed for time, let me just assure you that my normal writing is much, much better than this: I haven't honestly written since BZP went down, and this was my first crack at pulling off another SS.

(Also, Zar, please don't bring up Heartbeats. That was a one-hit wonder and you know it. XD)

Much love!

-Teezy

[Grantaire]

If you think you can't make anything better, then you won't. Now go write a story to rival/beat Heartbeats. NOW! XD