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[Peach 00]

To Fly

By Peach 00

The hangar doors opened abruptly, light shining through with a blinding force through at first the small crack into a wide space. The low-pitched creaking of the steel doors echoed and bounced off the walls of the hangar; shortly afterwards the hangar doors closed, and there was nothing but silence.

With the flip of a switch ten dazzling fluorescent lights immediately glowed with a blinding brightness, lightening every single object in the large open room. A shimmering, clean white surface, reflective with the lights was a clear sight in the room and blinded the intruder who had entered the hangar. Without pause, however, this ‘intruder’ continued forward.

At first, he simply stood there, gazing with awe at the beautiful piece of machinery in front of him. So sleek, so meticulous with every detail was this shining white object which he had cared for so long and loved so deeply. Some would think him crazy for how anal he was of its welfare and insides and out, to make sure every spot was clean and that every atom of it was in order. But he did not think it as crazy as others might.

The man – with brown hair and deep brown eyes, clad in an orange shirt with the typical flyboy leather jacket, jeans and brown boots – gawked at its beauty, and finally he rushed forward without hesitation, resting his full lips against the nose of the aircraft.

“You’re beautiful,” he said, breathless and enthralled by the beauty of its white exterior and sleek design.

Every detail of the plane he loved, whether it was the expanded wings stretched outward, the round yet pointed nose, and even the headstrong yet eager and even gentle feeling that emanated from it so subtly. The incredible design of the ship was what enchanted him the most, engrossing him most of all was the smooth, flawless structure of which was engineered into every section. To him, there was nothing more beautiful than the plane which he flew every day.

He outstretched his hands over the right wing of the plane, and he could almost feel the wind blowing so smoothly across its gleaming wing, as if the plane was simply trying to lift upward, like it was straining to fly. So was it the most beautiful of all things, to fly and feel that sense of control. To decide where you could go, like there were no boundaries, no limits. Not even the sky was the limit for a pilot.

He dropped his hands to his waist, and simply smiled. Despite it being a piece of machinery, there was no bond deeper than the connection between a pilot and its plane.

***

A little something I wrote while on hiatus. It's short, and definitely had an abrupt ending, but as it was meant more to be a descriptive piece, I didn't really consider it to actually have a plot. Again, just a small study of emotion, to be honest - reviews, comments, and critique are frequently appreciated.

Edited by Peach 00, Apr 04 2012 - 09:38 AM.

[Velox]

First off, wow; this story is simply amazing. I loved how, from a story only a few paragraphs long, I felt like I knew the character. This just proves how one can accomplish great characterization in just a short amount of time. We didn't need to see this guy progress chapter after chapter -- you gave it all to us in a few paragraphs without it seeming rushed or awkwardly placed in there; it all fit. And this character is quite an interesting one -- I'd love to see more of him, if you do decide to expand on him, but even if you don't this was a lovely story showcasing him and his feelings toward planes.

Which brings me to my next point: this story perfectly "proved" its "thesis" -- that is, your argument that there is no deeper bond between pilot and plane. And that is why I don't think the ending was abrupt. You stated an "argument", and there really is no need to say more, because you definitely proved that statement to be true through your use of characterization and description. Sure, it would have been cool to see him fly, or to see more of a plot, but I really don't think it's necessary.

Speaking of description, that was another thing I loved about this story. You described things excellently, yet not too much so that it was a pain to read; I enjoyed every second of it, and could definitely envision the hanger in my mind. Well done!

I really don't have any criticism in the writing itself. You have a very enjoyable writing style, and I already mentioned the things that make this story great. Maybe it's just me, but I love short little "scenes," if you will, about a character or something -- not really any plot, but just a little piece to showcase description and characterization, something which you did very well here.

I do, however, have just a few things I wanted to point out:

The hangar doors opened abruptly, light shining through with an immensely blinding force through at first the small crack into a wide space.

Not a mistake by any means, but I think "incandescent" sounds better, and fits the context.

Without pause, however, this ‘intruder’ continued forward.

The first time I read it, I didn't really like "intruder" but reading it again I don't dislike it as much...I don't know, I still have mixed feelings about it though, and I think using a synonym for intruder would be better.

and he could almost feel the wind blowing so smoothly across its gleaming wing, almost feeling the plane simply trying to lift upward,

With a story this short, repeated words and phrases really stand out -- I'd change one of them, if possible. There was also a point toward the beginning when you said "room" twice, one sentence after another, but I'm not sure what you'd replace that with and it was only used twice so it's fine.


Don't have anything else to say, really. As I said, this story was extremely well written, and I definitely look forward to reading more from you. Keep it up, Peach!

[Ra's al Ghul]

I didn't like it as much as Mr. Velox.

I disagree that there was a great deal of characterization- I understood that this pilot thought the plane was beautiful, but that's where it ended. We, as a species, appreciate beauty that can apply to sight as well as other senses. In that regard, I understood the pilot was human. You did indeed present an argument but I disagree with it- there are many deeper bonds than between a pilot and the plane he thinks is beautiful. For example, the relationship between two people whom they think are beautiful.

In addition to what Mr. Velox pointed out, I found:

The incredible design of the ship was what enchanted him the most, engrossing him most of all was the smooth, flawless structure of which was engineered into every section.

To be an incredibly awkward sentence. There was a great of polish that could have been applied in this story, but wasn't. Imagery is all fine and good but the biggest problem with this story is there's an incredible opportunity here, one you just didn't capitalize on. You could have, should have, done more with this story. You could've talked about how he felt when flying the plane, how it felt to trust a machine with your life on a daily basis. Instead, you told us how pretty it was.

I don't know; I just didn't like it.

[Velox]

Just wanted to expand upon my reasonings in response to the characterization and "You could've talked about how he felt when flying the plane, how it felt to trust a machine with your life on a daily basis. Instead, you told us how pretty it was."

That was kind of my point by saying the characterization was great -- no, we didn't get all that much about this guy, but what we did get was something unique. Most people don't cherish planes the way this guy does. Most people probably wouldn't go up to a plane, kiss it and be so enthralled by its beauty. Sure, there's a certain amount of respect people may have for the machine, but to love it as much as this guy does? I don't think so -- I know I definitely don't. And that is what makes this character cool -- he's unique. From these few paragraphs, we learn what a unique individual this guy is, and to me he's interesting. Sure, I'd like to see more, but for this story I don't think it was necessary. The fact is, she didn't have to show him flying the plane or how he felt when flying the plane. We know. He loves the plane so much, that it's quite obvious how trusting he is of it. Sure, more could be added, but again I don't think it's necessary. And, well, I don't think the point was that all pilots are this way, but that this pilot is this way.

Anyway, I know we disagree (which is totally fine -- you do make good points), but I just wanted to explain my reasoning to liking the characterization a little more. I do agree that a few of the sentences were awkward and could have been polished, but for some reason they didn't bother me when things like that usually do. Probably just because I really did like the uniqueness of the character and how he and the hanger and plane were portrayed.

[Ra's al Ghul]

Don't get me wrong I wasn't calling you out, we'll take from the story what we will. I just didn't get a sense that the character was very unique.

[55555]

Velox and I were talking about this over AIM, and I was saying how my main problem is the awkward wording at times, though I agree with his points about characterization and how the story length is fine how it is. Forgive me for dissecting your story like this, and feel free to ignore my post, but basically I think this is a story worth dissecting, as it was very enjoyable but there were a few things that distracted from that enjoyability:

The hangar doors opened abruptly, light shining through with an immensely blinding force through at first the small crack into a wide space.

An awkward sentence, and somewhat difficult to smooth out. Possibly: "The hangar doors opened abruptly, and a sliver of light shone through with incandescently blinding force. It angled through the crack into the vast interior." Or something like that.

With the flip of a switch ten dazzling fluorescent lights immediately glowed with a blinding brightness, lightening every single object in the large open room.

Should really be "shedding light on". Love this sentence BTW, always good to describe the lighting and stuff.

So sleek, so meticulous with every detail was this shining white object which he had cared for so long and loved so deeply.

I think this should be "meticulous in every detail". I think that any sentence beginning with "so" has to continue into 'that (he couldn't take his eyes off it)". Aagh, I wish I had more knowledge of grammar, I feel like I could do this much better.

Some would think him crazy for how anal he was of its welfare and insides and out, to make sure every spot was clean and that every atom of it was in order.

Probably should be: "Some would think him crazy for how anal he was of its welfare, inside and out, his drive to make sure every spot was clean and that every atom of it was in order."

Every detail of the plane he loved, whether it was the expanded wings stretched outward, the round yet pointed nose, and even the headstrong yet eager and even gentle feeling that emanated from it so subtly.

This sentence is really long, and you say 'and even" twice in a row.

The incredible design of the ship was what enchanted him the most, engrossing him most of all was the smooth, flawless structure of which was engineered into every section.

You say two things in a row that he liked most about the plane in the same sentence. Your use of the word engineered is kind of odd too, I don't think features or design principles can be engineered into something... The sentence is really long, it should probably be split into two.

He outstretched his hands over the right wing of the plane, and he could almost feel the wind blowing so smoothly across its gleaming wing, almost feeling the plane simply trying to lift upward, like it was straining to fly.

Maybe "he stretched out his hands" and "the wind blowing oh so smoothly", and the word "simply" simply should not be there.

Anyway good story.

- 55555

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

So I had read this story when it had first came out. Unfortunately I was on the fly at the time (if you'll pardon the pun) so I hadn't reviewed it. Then honestly I forgot too. Horrible I know. ._.

Good thing we had Velox bring this back up. The story's detail, description of the plane and character were excellent, to the point where the Plane itself is a character. Also if you've seen the Aviator, that's what this slightly reminded me of. Anyway, the story is a good one, very very short, which is somewhat disappointing but the point you got across was there.

And that's the point of short stories, to just get the meaning behind what you're trying to say, there. So while you could say that it needed more detail or go our further, I would have liked to have seen this guy fly the plane for example, it was great for what it was. Think we just wanted more. :B

Where did you come up with the idea for this? Did you check out some pictures of planes to get the descriptions right, cause they were pretty darn awesome.

[Peach 00]

First off, wow; this story is simply amazing. I loved how, from a story only a few paragraphs long, I felt like I knew the character. This just proves how one can accomplish great characterization in just a short amount of time. We didn't need to see this guy progress chapter after chapter -- you gave it all to us in a few paragraphs without it seeming rushed or awkwardly placed in there; it all fit. And this character is quite an interesting one -- I'd love to see more of him, if you do decide to expand on him, but even if you don't this was a lovely story showcasing him and his feelings toward planes.

Which brings me to my next point: this story perfectly "proved" its "thesis" -- that is, your argument that there is no deeper bond between pilot and plane. And that is why I don't think the ending was abrupt. You stated an "argument", and there really is no need to say more, because you definitely proved that statement to be true through your use of characterization and description. Sure, it would have been cool to see him fly, or to see more of a plot, but I really don't think it's necessary.

Speaking of description, that was another thing I loved about this story. You described things excellently, yet not too much so that it was a pain to read; I enjoyed every second of it, and could definitely envision the hanger in my mind. Well done!

I really don't have any criticism in the writing itself. You have a very enjoyable writing style, and I already mentioned the things that make this story great. Maybe it's just me, but I love short little "scenes," if you will, about a character or something -- not really any plot, but just a little piece to showcase description and characterization, something which you did very well here.

I do, however, have just a few things I wanted to point out:

The hangar doors opened abruptly, light shining through with an immensely blinding force through at first the small crack into a wide space.

Not a mistake by any means, but I think "incandescent" sounds better, and fits the context.

Without pause, however, this ‘intruder’ continued forward.

The first time I read it, I didn't really like "intruder" but reading it again I don't dislike it as much...I don't know, I still have mixed feelings about it though, and I think using a synonym for intruder would be better.

and he could almost feel the wind blowing so smoothly across its gleaming wing, almost feeling the plane simply trying to lift upward,

With a story this short, repeated words and phrases really stand out -- I'd change one of them, if possible. There was also a point toward the beginning when you said "room" twice, one sentence after another, but I'm not sure what you'd replace that with and it was only used twice so it's fine.


Don't have anything else to say, really. As I said, this story was extremely well written, and I definitely look forward to reading more from you. Keep it up, Peach!

---

Just wanted to expand upon my reasonings in response to the characterization and "You could've talked about how he felt when flying the plane, how it felt to trust a machine with your life on a daily basis. Instead, you told us how pretty it was."

That was kind of my point by saying the characterization was great -- no, we didn't get all that much about this guy, but what we did get was something unique. Most people don't cherish planes the way this guy does. Most people probably wouldn't go up to a plane, kiss it and be so enthralled by its beauty. Sure, there's a certain amount of respect people may have for the machine, but to love it as much as this guy does? I don't think so -- I know I definitely don't. And that is what makes this character cool -- he's unique. From these few paragraphs, we learn what a unique individual this guy is, and to me he's interesting. Sure, I'd like to see more, but for this story I don't think it was necessary. The fact is, she didn't have to show him flying the plane or how he felt when flying the plane. We know. He loves the plane so much, that it's quite obvious how trusting he is of it. Sure, more could be added, but again I don't think it's necessary. And, well, I don't think the point was that all pilots are this way, but that this pilot is this way.

Anyway, I know we disagree (which is totally fine -- you do make good points), but I just wanted to explain my reasoning to liking the characterization a little more. I do agree that a few of the sentences were awkward and could have been polished, but for some reason they didn't bother me when things like that usually do. Probably just because I really did like the uniqueness of the character and how he and the hanger and plane were portrayed.

I'm happy that I did that correctly. I wanted the reader to feel like they already knew the character well and were comfortable reading about them instead of being confused. Thank you so much - and, I'll be honest, I didn't consider expanding on the character at first, but I've been thinking about writing a sequel to this with a similar amount of description, perhaps him flying. It doesn't seem necessary, however, but I'm glad that you feel that his character was showcased well in the story without needing to expand further. =)

Again, thanks. I love doing miniature scenes on characters, because it's a small informative paragraph or two about the character that fills the mind. Not much explanation is necessary for the character's apperance - you simply accept it.

Also, yes, I saw you mention those and I've already edited them now that you have. Moving onto 5 5's edits next.

Indeed, you noticed what I did. Some pilots are passionate about their planes, so passionate in fact that they will kiss them, love them as they would a family member or special someone. They are responsible for taking care of their plane - some don't care as much for them as others, but this specific pilot is unique in that fact that he would treat it like that. I showcased that when he kissed it specifically. I'm happy that was noticed. ^^

Thanks again for the review, Velox, I appreciate the time you took to review this, and I'm rather happy you did review this because it attracted several others. Soon enough you'll see that I'll return the favor. ; )

I didn't like it as much as Mr. Velox.

I disagree that there was a great deal of characterization- I understood that this pilot thought the plane was beautiful, but that's where it ended. We, as a species, appreciate beauty that can apply to sight as well as other senses. In that regard, I understood the pilot was human. You did indeed present an argument but I disagree with it- there are many deeper bonds than between a pilot and the plane he thinks is beautiful. For example, the relationship between two people whom they think are beautiful.

In addition to what Mr. Velox pointed out, I found:

The incredible design of the ship was what enchanted him the most, engrossing him most of all was the smooth, flawless structure of which was engineered into every section.

To be an incredibly awkward sentence. There was a great of polish that could have been applied in this story, but wasn't. Imagery is all fine and good but the biggest problem with this story is there's an incredible opportunity here, one you just didn't capitalize on. You could have, should have, done more with this story. You could've talked about how he felt when flying the plane, how it felt to trust a machine with your life on a daily basis. Instead, you told us how pretty it was.

I don't know; I just didn't like it.

That was the point though - he treated the plane as a person that would be special in that type of relationship. It was a bond deeper than even that because he treated it like that. I believe Velox summed it up much better than I could, but by kissing it and feeling it in a way that he could sense how it felt, he trusted it and cared for it. And the prettiness of it described how careful he was with it, as if it was the return of how much it cared for him when in the air. I'll be honest when I say that I didn't feel like it was too necessary to describe his in-flight travels, although I considered adding that in. It would have lengthened the story too much, though, so I kept it as it was.

And I'll have to edit that, thank-you for pointing that out. Although your comments weren't particularly favorable, thank you for the comments nonetheless.

Velox and I were talking about this over AIM, and I was saying how my main problem is the awkward wording at times, though I agree with his points about characterization and how the story length is fine how it is. Forgive me for dissecting your story like this, and feel free to ignore my post, but basically I think this is a story worth dissecting, as it was very enjoyable but there were a few things that distracted from that enjoyability:

The hangar doors opened abruptly, light shining through with an immensely blinding force through at first the small crack into a wide space.

An awkward sentence, and somewhat difficult to smooth out. Possibly: "The hangar doors opened abruptly, and a sliver of light shone through with incandescently blinding force. It angled through the crack into the vast interior." Or something like that.

With the flip of a switch ten dazzling fluorescent lights immediately glowed with a blinding brightness, lightening every single object in the large open room.

Should really be "shedding light on". Love this sentence BTW, always good to describe the lighting and stuff.

So sleek, so meticulous with every detail was this shining white object which he had cared for so long and loved so deeply.

I think this should be "meticulous in every detail". I think that any sentence beginning with "so" has to continue into 'that (he couldn't take his eyes off it)". Aagh, I wish I had more knowledge of grammar, I feel like I could do this much better.

Some would think him crazy for how anal he was of its welfare and insides and out, to make sure every spot was clean and that every atom of it was in order.

Probably should be: "Some would think him crazy for how anal he was of its welfare, inside and out, his drive to make sure every spot was clean and that every atom of it was in order."

Every detail of the plane he loved, whether it was the expanded wings stretched outward, the round yet pointed nose, and even the headstrong yet eager and even gentle feeling that emanated from it so subtly.

This sentence is really long, and you say 'and even" twice in a row.

The incredible design of the ship was what enchanted him the most, engrossing him most of all was the smooth, flawless structure of which was engineered into every section.

You say two things in a row that he liked most about the plane in the same sentence. Your use of the word engineered is kind of odd too, I don't think features or design principles can be engineered into something... The sentence is really long, it should probably be split into two.

He outstretched his hands over the right wing of the plane, and he could almost feel the wind blowing so smoothly across its gleaming wing, almost feeling the plane simply trying to lift upward, like it was straining to fly.

Maybe "he stretched out his hands" and "the wind blowing oh so smoothly", and the word "simply" simply should not be there.

Anyway good story.

- 55555

Ignore it? Certainly not - I always appreciate people pointing out edits.

Wow, a lot of mistakes there, but I appreciate your pointing them out. I'm going to read over it real quick and make those edits, thanks for quoting them for me. Thank you guys again for the reviews, I really appreciate it. Means a lot to me, honestly - thanks again.

So I had read this story when it had first came out. Unfortunately I was on the fly at the time (if you'll pardon the pun) so I hadn't reviewed it. Then honestly I forgot too. Horrible I know. ._.

Good thing we had Velox bring this back up. The story's detail, description of the plane and character were excellent, to the point where the Plane itself is a character. Also if you've seen the Aviator, that's what this slightly reminded me of. Anyway, the story is a good one, very very short, which is somewhat disappointing but the point you got across was there.

And that's the point of short stories, to just get the meaning behind what you're trying to say, there. So while you could say that it needed more detail or go our further, I would have liked to have seen this guy fly the plane for example, it was great for what it was. Think we just wanted more. :B

Where did you come up with the idea for this? Did you check out some pictures of planes to get the descriptions right, cause they were pretty darn awesome.

Nah, it's okay. I've told you that don't feel obligated to reply to anything right away - not forcing you to review/reply, so don't worry about it. It's more horrible that I haven't reviewed Second Chance yet, so don't worry.

The Aviator as in the movie about Howard Hughes with Leonardo DiCaprio? If that's the movie your referring to (I'd figure it would be), then yes, I have. It was a good movie, been awhile since I've seen it, though.

I felt it might have needed more, but I was still comfortable with the result and felt I probably put enough in. Although I can see it needed a little more, I think it's pretty good as it is. Still would have been cool to have a flying scene, maybe I'll write a sequel with that. :3

I actually didn't, although the plane in the story that inspired the descriptions was supposed to be based off a Sesna. Being interested in the plane, I wanted to describe it in very close detail, so I was happy that the details were very correct. If you search for an image of the plane, you'll see the correlation between the plane and the details of the story. Thanks for the review, Grant.

Thanks for the comments, critique, and wonderfully motivating comments. I haven't written any stories or chapters for my epic in awhile, but the comments you guys made here have motivated me to try and write more. Thanks again, guys, I'm glad y'all loved it and I'm really, really thankful for the comments.

[Samhain]

This is an SSCC Charity Review of To Fly by Peach 00 (review by Samhain).

When it comes to grammar, the BZP spell check did not detect anything, and neither did I, flow was no problem either, but then again, this is hardly ever a problem for me. I will say that the level of detail put into this was very good, it really gives you a clear picture.

Now to my favorite aspect of the reviews, the story examinations. Now I did read the ending with the intention of the story, it being that it was more to capture the emotions of the protagonist in here rather then having all that much of a plot, so I will keep that in mind here. I will say that it was quite detailed and you did give us great insight as to what the protagonist was experiencing as he was examining his plane.

What is cool about these stories is that the mind of the reader fills in the blanks when it comes to the general plot and such. It can effect the mood of the story based on these and they are all based on the reader's interpretation, it is this open ended-ness that I like to see in stories. Personally, in my reading I was imagining the protagonist as a war vet who was viewing the plane he used during his service (as one would imagine, real military service men can form strong attachments to their planes and ships and such). While this was probably not your intended meaning, I may guess, it is still a good thing in my book to be able to form these sorts of "back stories" in stories where the plot is not the main focus.

Anyway, to abridge all of that, I liked the level of detail and the sort of freedom I had as a reader with the plot not being the main focus. I hope to have the pleasure of reviewing your work again in the future.

Edited by Samhain, Oct 18 2012 - 01:34 PM.

[Jean Valjean]

Your use of sentence flow to create ideas works well. I'm glad that you decided to fill the paragraphs with actual relevant content rather than big words. I like that. However, the scene is too brief to really count as a Short Story in my mind. This is what I would call a brief scene, something that gives an impression in just a moment. Granted, there are works like "The Pit and the Pendulum" that are essentially the same thing, describing a brief scene and what it feels like, but on the other hand that took considerably longer, and I suppose there was a sequence of events with a beginning and an end that constituted for a story (he ended up in prison, avoided the pit, wormed his way out of the pendulum, and finally got freed just in time to avoid getting squished by folding walls). So I would compare it more to a poem, except it's in prose. The impact is still similar, though.

Anyway, I know this is nitpicking, but I think there are to many propositions in the first sentence. You did a wonderful job giving it character and giving the reader a reason to maintain interest in the story, although at the same time I think you tried to put just a little too much in there. I just wish it was over a beat sooner.

Just skimming over have said, I saw mention to the use of the word "intruder." Personally, I disagree with it. I can see a word like this being used on someone who enters a space, but given that the person was initially anonymous and I didn't know what to think of him at first, it gave me the wrong impression until later on.

Then halfway through you describe what he looks like. Given that you were descriptive throughout and at first my interest was looking for a character to carry the story along, I would have described his physical presence sooner, such as in the second or third paragraph. It just seemed to come out of nowhere when you mentioned it halfway through, and at that point I no longer cared because by then you had shifted into the emotion of the story.

Otherwise, I think this really works. I think you'll find that I'm not easy to get a critical acclamation from. Thematically, I think the only idea that could be introduced to a story like this is a hint of something a little more universal. The title does some of the lifting here, since the verb form of "light" is very aspiring, although I don't specically relate to the aviator's love nor to I draw any immediate parallels. Maybe it would have been different if I got the sense that you as the author personally had a love for planes and specifically feel the same way s this unnamed character. As it stands, I certainly see this as a work of fiction and not necessarily as a means for you to express yourself. Confessional stories tend to hold some real power for me, and if you had found a way of incorporating your own emotions into the work it really would have stood out. However, it is still certainly good, and I appreciate a story based on more elemental aspects of humanity.

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