6 replies to this topic

[Jinklemeister]

Review my story The Utopian here! Thanks all!

[Shawn Spencer]

Okay, first off, I have to acknowledge that I am a sucker for dystopian stories that feature near-omnipotent, oppressive governments (e.g. The Giver, 1984, The Hunger Games, etc.) So, you get automatic brownie points for that. Also, I am really intrigued by the Peacekeepers' mechanic of essentially shuffling around the Utopians so that they all are equally unskilled at their occupation. I am not incredibly well-versed in literature, but this seems like a fairly original concept. So, kudos for that. Also, you used the word 'hydroponics' in an epic. I mean, that's pure win right there.

When I began reading, I wasn't thrilled. I prefer epics that have a little more description and really immerse the readers in the setting of the story. I understand that you need to put your exposition somewhere, but perhaps it could have come about more naturally, either through the personal introspection of the Utopian or through some spoken dialogue. Either way, it felt a little clunky to have this chunk of exposition to wade through before I reached the actual narrative. However, your writing style was fun and quirky, so it made the exposition surprisingly enjoyable to read - not a small feat for any piece of literature.

Taking everything into account, it was a surprisingly solid beginning for what will hopefully be a consistently enjoyable epic. I can't wait to read more and explore this world that you have created.

Edited by TheMightyFighty, Mar 19 2012 - 10:50 PM.

[TheSkeletonMan939]

I get the feeling you got some inspiration from The Giver. Ever read that book before?

[Jinklemeister]

Nope, never read that. I've read 1984, Animal Farm, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games. Later on, this will branch off into a unique story of its own .

[TheSkeletonMan939]

Nope, never read that. I've read 1984, Animal Farm, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games. Later on, this will branch off into a unique story of its own .

The Giver's about a Utopia, too, so I couldn't help but wonder.

[Jinklemeister]

Nope, never read that. I've read 1984, Animal Farm, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games. Later on, this will branch off into a unique story of its own .

The Giver's about a Utopia, too, so I couldn't help but wonder.

Yeah, my mom just finished reading it, actually. So it's on my list of things to read.

[Aderia]

Heyy!! ECC review here, and can only apologize that I didn't get to this sooner.

First of all, I really like the atmosphere you've set up. I'm glad you took advantage of the futuristic dystopia trend we're seeing in literary works right now.

One thing. Peacekeepers. I dunno if you've read the Hunger Games, but that made me smile. Also, the fact that the Corrected fight each other to the death in an arena.

Anyways, I only spotted a few grammar/spelling mistakes, so kudos to you there.

It was assigned, but by who, no one knew. Who to whom, in the first paragraph of chapter 1.

Once inside [...] the foreman (who was chosen based on his ability, or lack thereof, to direct or confront people,) stepped up to him.

Comma missing betwen "inside" and "the" in the last chapter.

And other than that, I didn't really spot anything else.

Onto the content of your story. As I've mentioned, I like the setting you've got going. Also, you put a nice twist on your characters and the Bionicle Universe, and it suits the disguised dystopian setting very nicely.

Your dialog flows nicely and is balanced out with good descriptions. The fact that the first few paragraphs introducing the epic were later worked out into the story as a dream was unique.

As for Sel's character, I can't say too much at this point, since the story's only just begun to unfold. But it will definitely be interesting to see what role he plays in the events you've got planned, and the uprising that he already senses is brewing.

If I had to choose the craftiest thing so far about this story is the title, 'The Utopian", implying the utopian soceity, when in fact, it is actually the opposite of that.

Keep up the good work, and I can't wait for the twists and surprises you've got in store for this rebellion that you seem to be setting up.