9 replies to this topic

[MayFall]

Click the pic for the link to topic. Let me know what you think!

-MayFall

Edited by MayFall, Mar 23 2012 - 02:35 PM.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

Hm, with such little revealed in the prologue, I'm unsure just what to say. But, of course, that's clearly the point of a prologue, to set mystery, to intrigue the reader, to get them to want to keep going with the story, and I think it's fair to say that you've achieved your goals. I'm left curious as to what's occurring and just what's being put at risk. Clearly, time shall tell, sooner or later.

Now, the one thing I am unsure about is your paragraphs. I'm not sure what's going on, but the way they keep breaking up randomly is a little distracting. I'm unsure if that's intentional or an accident but it makes reading a little awkward.

But of course, besides that and how I found it a little short, I'm liking where this is going and look forward to reading more of this. =)

[MayFall]

Yeah, that was definitely the tone I was trying to set, I'm glad I succeeded. By the breaking up of paragraphs, are you referring to the switches between the description and dialogue, or all of them as a whole? Thanks for the reply and C&C.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

I mean how, if a paragraph extends to a third line, it will break off about a quarter of the way through the second line and continue on underneath. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I definitely find it to break the flow a little, unfortunately.

[MayFall]

Ah, no, that was unintentional. Thanks for pointing it out.

[Maganar]

I must say, I'm interested to see where this is headed. It seems you were clearly going for a 2001-type feel with the awakening on Nasch and it worked well. Looking beyond just the similar circumstances, his spontaneity upon awakening specifically reminds me of Lewa or Tahu back then. Adding myself to the follow list now...

[MayFall]

Thanks, glad you liked it.

[Nick Silverpen]

It's certainly interesting, I must say. The whole 2001 ish feel to it gives it an attractive vibe, and while it's short, the story is interesting. I hope the chapters get longer as they progress, but if they do not, it's still moving along well. I'm curious as to see where the Turaga and the Toa meet, if ever, and how they connect.

[The Marlfox]

hey, this epic is cool! the title caught my eye a while back, actually, but i'm only just now dropping my appreciation. anyways, i like how the prologue was short and sweet, and it didn't give us an overload of info. finding out about this Toa of Fire's past will be interesting, and this battle your'e setting up too. keep up the good work!

[GSR]

Hey MayFall! As part of the ECC's charity review initiative, I've been asked to review this story. Now, recently the ECC got some feedback from author's on the charity reviews we'd been doing, so this'll be a bit different from my norm. Coupled with the fairly brief length you have so far, I apologize ahead of time if this review's a little short.

So anyways, let's start with prose and style. I should first off commend you that by and large, the prose flowed well in what you have here; I never hit any sentences that felt really out of place or that were jolting to the narration - this is a big plus. I'm of the opinion that (unless you're trying to mess with them) a story's writing should carry the reader along smoothly, which you've done here quite well. You've also got a nice balance between the narration and Nasch's thoughts - we've got a good look at how he's reacting while still getting a view of the situation. Similarly, you've got a good variety in how you deal with dialogue - you don't fall into one single kind of sentence. There were a few minor punctuation or capitalization errors, but nothing serious.

As for plot - well, unfortunately, there's not too much to talk about here yet, eh? We've got an original Bionicle setting, which is always a plus, since you're branching out and making your own stuff. The protagonist is playing the role of the amnesiac Toa, and the story gives me a little bit of an early 2001 vibe. You've done a bit of setup with the prologue, which is always nice - it gives the reader something to tuck away in the back of their mind to look for later. You've piqued my interest, which is really what needs to get done this early one, and introduced a few possible future plot hooks. Nasch could use a little more definition other than 'amnesiac Toa', but it's hard to quickly give a strong personality to someone without memories.

So yeah, I'm afraid I haven't got too much more to offer right now. This was a good start, and I wish I had more to say, but... well, there's only so much to offer this early on. If you ever come back to finish this, I'd be interested in seeing where it goes.