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The Herald of Darkness - Review Topic


ZOMBI3S

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Welcome to the review topic for my epic, The Herald of Darkness!

 

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This is the place where I will post my personal comments, thoughts, updates, and whatever else may come across my mind, so long as it pertains to the epic itself. And it is also where you can post your own thoughts, which is pretty neat. So please don’t be shy, feedback is always welcome, and I would absolutely love to know that you think of my story.

 

I would like to take a moment to say that this piece is a large number of years in the making, and is in essence my love letter to Bionicle, the franchise/story/toy line that I owe a solid chunk of my childhood too. That being said, however — I have taken some artistic liberties with the Bionicle canon, but not so much that it feels off-putting (I hope). I followed Bionicle’s story a lot less after the 2001-2003 era, and so a lot of what you’ll find in this epic will stay true to the common beliefs/canon of that time (Mata Nui is a great spirit, not a giant robot, and Makuta is his brother, not a wispy cloud of antidermis). Also, I’ve written the Matoran to seem a bit more human (both genders in all tribes, with the ability to eat, sleep, drink, and, you guessed it — love), as I think this allows for more relatable characters. But aside from those changes, I do try to ground this story as recognizably ‘Bionicle,’ with familiar characters, settings, and themes. This is fanfiction, after all.

 

But moving on to the story itself! The Herald of Darkness mostly takes place on the island of Mata Nui, many years after the Mask of Light saga. With Mata Nui awakened and their destiny fulfilled, our famous Toa Mata have long since disappeared, and the Matoran have lived happily for years under the guidance of their respective Turaga. The land is at peace, the Koro have grown into cities, smaller villages have appeared in the countryside, and seemingly everywhere, our lovable, mask-wearing villagers have prospered.

 

But as time marches relentlessly forward, the events of history have faded, lingering into legend, morphing into myth as the Turaga grow ever older. Only they now whisper of Makuta’s darkness, seemingly rising again in the corners of their vision. Only they now speak of plans and prophesies, the knowledge of the stars, the secrets of Mata Nui that remain — after all this time — uncovered. Only they still remember the dark times of the past, and what they must do to prevent them in the future. And, beginning in the quiet, isolated village of Le-Koro, this is the world that we find ourselves in.

 

…So yeah. I really tried to capture the smallness of the 2001 saga in my writing, when the island of Mata Nui was a grand, wild place, full of mystery. I wanted to create my own Bionicle story, one that tells its own tale, while still relating back to the canon in interesting (Exciting? Surprising?) ways. But, being the person that I am, there will be some dark moments, darker than most of what exists in the lore. It is called The Herald of Darkness for a reason, after all.

 

So in short, this story will follow a group of Matoran as they travel across the land, on a quest to… save the world? Something like that. There’re bad guys, good guys, monsters, explosions, battles, adventure, and more stuff that I hope you’ll find — at the very least — interesting.

 

And again, feedback is always welcome, so let me know what you think! I have a linked Table of Contents below, and you can find the story here, as well as in my signature (click the picture for the epic, and ‘Review Topic’ for… yup, this review topic).

 

Thank you so much for reading, and as always, I do hope you enjoy it.

 

 

Spoiler

Side note that I couldn’t seem to fit anywhere else: the Kryll are based off the Vahki, at least in appearance.  When I was little I saw promotional material for them and thought they were the absolute coolest thing ever, but then I learned they were basically just robot servants, which was kind of a let-down for young me. I’ve thought for a long time about making up my own race for this story, as that’s kind of a big, jarring, non-canon thing to do, but no other existing Bionicle villain seemed to fit the bill. So here we are. Hope you’re not too put-off by that, but I like to think I’ve written them well enough to fit within this world :)

 

 

~Table of Contents~

Prologue

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - The Spring Solstice

Chapter 2 - The Tale of Atouri

Chapter 3 - Learning of the Stars

Chapter 4 - Approaching Shadows

Chapter 5 - Unanswered Questions

Chapter 6 - Visions

Chapter 7 - Just In Case

Chapter 8 - Blood on the Leaves

Chapter 9 - The Burning Tree

Chapter 10 - Air and Shadow

Chapter 11 - Tears

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - The Cold, Hard, World

Chapter 2 - A New Beginning

Chapter 3 - Brutality and Guilt

Chapter 4 - The Wastes

Chapter 5 - Into the Abyss

Chapter 6 - Lost

Chapter 7 - Hope from Shadow

Chapter 8 - Duty

Chapter 9 - Reunion

Chapter 10 - Council and Uncertainty

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - Misfits

Chapter 2 - The Great Takea

Chapter 3 - Decisions and Distrust

Chapter 4 - A Terrible Discovery

Chapter 5 - Descent Into Madness

Chapter 6 - Echos of Home

Chapter 7 - The Coming Storm

Chapter 8 - The Drums of War

Chapter 9 - Heroes

Chapter 10 - The Way of Battle

Chapter 11 - The Last Stand

Chapter 12 - Return

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - Looking Through Ice

Chapter 2 - Catching Up

Chapter 3 - The Shrouded City

Chapter 4 - A New Turaga

Chapter 5 - Answers and Questions

Chapter 6 - The Tale of Saku

Chapter 7 - The Horrors of the Dark

Chapter 8 - An Old Friend

Chapter 9 - A Turn for the Worse

Chapter 10 - Revelations

Chapter 11 - Boiling Blood

Chapter 12 - Shadow's Fall

Chapter 13 - Silence

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - Moving Forward

Chapter 2 - The Wild

Chapter 3 - Legendary Circumstance

Chapter 4 - A Night to Remember

Chapter 5 - The Beast Within

Chapter 6 - On the Rocks

Chapter 7 - Connections

Chapter 8 - Matoran and Monsters

Chapter 9 - The Sounds of Night

Chapter 10 - Arrival

Chapter 11 - Preparation

Chapter 12 - Plans

Chapter 13 - Through the Gauntlet

Chapter 14 - Unity

Chapter 15 - Illusions

 

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Spoiler

Chapter 1 - Promises

Chapter 2 - Introductions

Chapter 3 - Water and Wind

Chapter 4 - Change

Chapter 5 - Gathered Friends

Chapter 6 - Friends and Enemies

Chapter 7 - Resolve

Chapter 8 - Perseverance

Chapter 9 - Hushed Voices

Chapter 10 - Power and Protodermis

Chapter 11 - Leverage

Chapter 12 - Dancing with Danger

Chapter 13 - Muted Meetings

Chapter 14 - Trial by Darkness

Chapter 15 - Understanding

Chapter 16 - Through Time and Space

Chapter 17 - To the Brink of Madness

Chapter 18 - Acceptance

Chapter 19 - Clarity

 

Edited by ZOMBI3S

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello, ZOMBI3S, here is your official ECC review. I must say, after reading the small bit of an epic you've posted thus far, The Herald of Darkness as a title is very cryptic. I like that - among a number of other things I'll be discussing later. I really want to address the errors beforehand, mostly for the sake of ending on a high note.I noticed throughout your writing that the words Matoran, Toa, and Turaga would sometimes be capitalized and sometimes they wouldn't. There ought to be some consistency in that department, and a Ctrl+F hunt should expedite the process of capitalizing each word (as in the canon), or not.

It a typical day in the city of Le-koro.

It was a typical day

Le-Koro was the best place to hide it,

Semicolon rather than a comma

“The butcher won’t let me play in his kitchen…” She said sadly.

she said sadly

watching the clouds slowly roll across the sky above them,

Semicolon rather than a comma

The middle one wore an Akakau,

Spelled Akaku

shops began to start closing for the night.

This seems awkwardly written. "began to close" or "started closing" would both work fine.

all the way pas the outskirts,

Did you mean "past the outskirts"?

“Look! Look what I found!”

Your first quotation mark being a line above is probably just a posting thing.

The matoran shied away from him.

You wanted "shyed".

“Too early…” He mumbled as he reached over smacked the glass pane of his window.

Lowercase the first "He" and add an "and" before "smacked."

“Alright, I’m up.”

All right

“You moron, it’s the spring solstice!” Replied Jaka

Lowercase "Replied"

“Takua, will you please come up?” The Turaga said.

Lowercase "The"

In fact, I believe she is here today, are you here Talim?”

Period after today, capitalize "are"

Even though Takua was considered a somewhat of a misfit,

Remove the first "a"

“You were supposed to work today, Takua.” He said.

Lowercase "He"

As the afternoon waned, and people had started to gather

The "and" here really suggests more is coming in the sentence. Get rid of the "and"17 errors can seem like a lot more when they're spaced out, but these are all quick fixes. My recommendation is to scan your chapters more carefully before posting. Enough grammar and spelling though, let's get down to the story at hand. We're dealing with a non-canon Mata Nui island with some strong overtones that really tie it to the 2001 feel. Of course, you were kind enough to mention that the age of the Toa Nuva was a while ago, and you seem to have quite literally left behind the "time before time" by introducing clocks into your universe. Ironic, if not amusing.I understand now why your review topic mentions the "smallness of the 2001 saga," because the story hasn't even ventured beyond Le-Wahi yet. Each region, in its scope, is vast without the knowledge or idea of a Matoran Universe below it. It is a shame that you came for a request before I got a glimpse of the kryll you mention. My mind drifted to Gears of War at the very name, but something tells me they're entirely different creatures. Moving on…I loved the storyteller in Chapter 2. Despite not being a Turaga, the wisdom of the elderly returns to the stage and really sells me on your non-canon Mata Nui. I was rather skeptical up until then, which may or may not be justified. It was left to my assumption that your Matoran are actually born. If I'm wrong, please tell me. That aside, you have Takua. Not the Takua, but a Takua nonetheless. I feel like the name was an attempt at symbolism and maybe even foreshadowing (again, you asked for a review with little to work with) but I can only speculate. Also, if Talim was ever mentioned by a type (female Le-Matoran? Out-of-place Ga-Matoran) I must've missed it. Definitely wouldn't have hurt to paint a picture in my head. Back to my earlier point though, your callback to the deep mythology of Mata Nui's inhabitants was very much appreciated by this critic and your execution of the legend is perfect. Your Mata Nui and Makuta are two sides of the same coin, and they echo similar thoughts for opposing reasons. They're not the main characters by any means, but by returning to Makuta being the antithesis to all that is good and true, only adds to the sinister nature of his being. It reminds me that sometimes, what lurks in the dark is far more terrifying than what you can see.Now, you brought up putting 2001 in your own style, and that was accomplished here. I should say this now. You're not Greg, and I can tell. And I don't mean that because of the errors or anything. Moreover, I want to stress that your reimagining, as it were, drives the same highway, but in a different vehicle. And that's important. You have a legendary object like the Atouri that has become a part of ancient Matoran lore and carries a sense of danger and intrigue, much like the Mask of Light once did.I find myself a tad disappointed that I'm reviewing this too early to catch the conflict between the Matoran and the Kryll that will apparently work its way into your story later on. I didn't feel very connected to this epic at first, but the story starts to grow, and you certainly played upon nostalgia a bit to reel me in. I'll probably be following this epic further now that I'm legitimately curious about where it will go. You said this is your first epic, but I feel like you have some writing history under your belt already. I wouldn't say this epic is mind-blowing or anything, but you have a grasp of story structure and making solid characters. Beyond that, you seem to realize that story is a means to an end. The end is managing to draw in my attention to the point that I want more. In that sense, you've done a remarkable job. If this truly is your last epic, I hope you take anything and everything you learn while posting it and continue writing elsewhere. Because if you've taught me anything in three chapters, it's that you have a lot of potential. Keep at it, ZOMBI3S.-Ced
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Thanks so much for the review! Wow, I thought I did proofread, but I guess not enough. Oops. As for the capitalization problems (at least for Toa and Turaga), I tried to capitalize when the word was used as a title, but not when it was used to describe a being. Looking back, I'll probably just capitalize everything, just to simplify things.In terms of the smallness, I'm glad you could feel it! The story takes place in seven parts (kind of a lot, i know), one for each region of the island, plus an extra one. As for the kryll, they'll show up later in part one. I named them a long time ago, before i even knew about Gears of War, so that's just bad luck I suppose.I'm really glad you liked the storyteller and the legend! I am really happy by how it turned out, and I feel it accurately portrays the mood I was going for. I have had some experience as a writer, as I wrote a couple of short stories a few years ago, but other than that my only experience is what I've learned in high school and college.Oh and before I forget: yes, it is assumed that matoran are born, although I never delve much into family lives. Also, Talim is in fact a female Le-matoran. As a kid I always pictured that all kinds of matoran had equal populations of both sexes, and was somewhat confused when I was told otherwise. Sorry for the confusion!Thanks again for the review! I hope I can keep you interested!

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  • 1 month later...

Still no other reviews? Man, people are missing out. This is becoming as engaging as I initally expected. If I had a blog on this site (which may happen soon), I'll definitely be recommending this epic to others. Great stuff, ZOMBI3S!-Ced

Wow thanks, that means a lot! I prefer to think that people are intimidated by my beautiful storytelling and are too shy to post...but you know how it is. I've just revamped the epic and the this topic to make it look more professional.....hopefully that'll get the kids to come!

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  • 2 months later...

Congrats! You get a second ECC review at absolutely no charge, because us interns have to have something to do. I'm not much of one for tracking down every little awkward phrasing or typo, so instead I'll be giving some general guidelines throughout this review based on select examples. I'll also be doing my usual sort of split here and discussing the prose and the plot/characters/setting separately, starting with the prose. So let's get this show on the road!First off, orthographically speaking you need to take a little more care with your capitalization and the like. The one that really stuck out to me was your inconsistent capitalization of "Le-Koro" - it really is "Le-Koro", with the capital K. Be on the lookout also for other Bionicle proper nouns - the Kraahkan is the Mask of Shadows, the kraahkan is not the mask of shadows. You also could be a little more liberal with commas in your dialogue. Here's a quick example:

Frantically he said, “What is this Kokani? Tell me.”“No tell me!” Takua interrupted. He needed answers. “Why is he saying my name? I’ve never met this guy in my life let alone done anything to him. What do you know about this?”
Think about how this sounds when read aloud; it's not really natural for the characters to be talking completely rapid-fire, even if they are shaken. It would probably be a little more natural if you wrote it as so:
Frantically he said, “What is this, Kokani? Tell me.”“No, tell me!” Takua interrupted. He needed answers. “Why is he saying my name? I’ve never met this guy in my life, let alone done anything to him. What do you know about this?”
Another point about comma use: they're used for small separations of similar ideas in a sentence. When there's a larger change in subject, or a larger pause, consider using a semicolon, period, or dash. An example:
“I don't know, maybe he knew Takua has the stone and was trying to warn him. This has happened before up north, once someone is attacked, their mind shuts down and only works to keep the body alive." Kokani said as they climbed the ladder up to the Turaga's house.
You might be able to better rewrite this as:
“I don't know - maybe he knew Takua has the stone and was trying to warn him. This has happened before up north; once someone is attacked, their mind shuts down and only works to keep the body alive," Kokani said as they climbed the ladder up to the Turaga's house.
I also took the liberty of making another change in this excerpt; namely, I adjusted the period ending the dialogue to a comma. Ending dialogue with a period is fine if the following text is a separate action, but if you're qualifying the dialogue with description (in this case, "Kokani said"), you should end it with a comma rather than a period. (Exclamation marks and question marks are fine.) This is something I noticed a lot, so keep an eye out for it. Switching gears, I've also noticed you've got a proclivity towards unnecessary repetition. Here's an example:
"Takua, I'm sorry, we just don't know yet. I promise we will tell you everything that we learn." He fingered the chain of Takua's stone in his hands as he spoke. "I can understand that you're worried, but we can't help you yet." He stared at the black stone. "There are..."He trailed off as he stared at the black stone. That black stone that stood for eternity. Never dying eternity. The corners of his mouth slid into a scowl as he held the stone and looked back at Takua.
Repeating the phrase "he stared at the black stone" so quickly feels sort of clunky and redundant. The simplest fix in this case would be to reword the second usage to a similar phrase, such as "He trailed off, continuing to stare at the stone in his hand." I've also noticed that you're very insistent on Saku's mask being shaped like a serpent's head, which is fine when Takua describes the character to others, but starts to get a little redundant in the narration. The instance of that that really grated on me was the end of chapter 9, where the character is established as Saku first, and then his mask described as if it's meant to reveal the identity of the character.Next, I'd like to drop a favorite adage of mine on you here: describe, don't transcribe. Sounds rarely translate well to written word. Here's an example:
"Brriiiing!""Aah!" Takua screamed as he jolted up, smacking his head on the notorious shelf. "Mata Nui!" he cried out as he began to spout various curses.
It's probably better to provide the "Aah!" in narration rather than attempting to transcribe it; just saying "Takua yelped as he jolted out of bed" or something like that would serve the same purpose and feel a little more natural. The "Brriiing!" is also a little iffy to me, though in this case it works a bit better due to acting as a way to jolt the audience from the previous scene. Still, I'd maybe consider putting it in italics rather than quotation marks to emphasize it's a sudden sound, and as with the "Aah!" it's always an option to rewrite it as narration (perhaps as something like "The shrill of his alarm clock ripped through the scene.")And one piece of general advice: it always helps to re-read. On a few occasions you've got small errors, like a missing or extra word, that can sometimes be caught by an extra do-over. What can be really helpful is to read the sentence aloud - that'll help you spot any syntactical issues, and it has the added bonus of making it easier to decide if the sentence sounds natural.Before we move on to plot, setting, and the like: I would like to say I rather liked your style for the tale of Atouri. It meshed well with the content and context of the tale (something I'll mention again in a bit) and was quite enjoyable. The fight scene in chapter 10 between Matau and Saku was also quite well done.Now, onto the content of the story. My first objection to you here is how you've established the setting. You see, I'm 11 chapters in, and I'm still not 100% sure on a mental picture of Le-Koro. It's clearly some sort of AU taking place well after the Toa Mata/Nuva (who seem to have vanished), but I'm a little lost on the characters themselves. Are they standard Matoran? The references to flesh and blood, romance (which I guess is still canon going by the early years, so that's not really that big a deal), and even the occasional bit of not-so-subtextual-subtext (“They’re big where it matters") suggests not, yet the masks and the like suggest this isn't 100% "human Bionicle", either. I can overlook these bits and pieces, but it's still a little jarring. You've also got some unexpected elements, such as clocks and taverns, which also blur the line on what exactly the setting is. With regards to the plot, there's quite a few pieces here that I've seen before - the amnesiac protagonist, the One Ring-esque talisman, the 'girl next door'. But you know what? That's not necessarily a bad thing. A story can be like a Lego set, if you'll pardon this horrible analogy: it's not what the individual pieces are, it's how you put them together. Granted, the fact that the pieces are 'visible', so to speak, is a sign that things aren't gelling quite as perfectly as they could be - but I am a critic, and looking for the pieces is part of my job. Let me get to the point here: it may not be 100% original, but it's still quite entertaining. The fact you mentioned in your intro to the story in the review topic that you're going for a 2001-2003ish feel in the first place means that the elements of the story being familiar actually sort of helps the effect. And this isn't to say you're being entirely unoriginal here or anything like that - Saku seems like he could be an interesting villain, apparently a Toa of Shadow, and I will admit I wasn't expecting Talim to bite the dust (or at least not that early). And, of course, focusing on characters named Takua and Jaka certainly gets the reader ready for some parallels to the early days of the story. At the moment, Takua and Jaka seem fairly static, but it has only been the first part of what I presume is to be several; I expect you'll flesh them out more as the story goes on. As I said above, Saku could be interesting - Takua never had a direct rival, after all, if that's what you're aiming for - and it's good to see old Makuta as Makuta and not Teridax, if that makes sense.I'd also like to say, I very much enjoy the backstory you're putting together here. The story in chapter 2, while simple, was very well-told, and reinforces the idea that this really is the Mata Nui of the early years, the land of legends and magic rather than grand science and biological engineering. To sum things up, then, it's been enjoyable so far, but I think there's room for improvement. Your prose is a little clunky - something that will improve with practice - and the setting is a bit muddled at times, but the plot has a certain traditional charm to it. So here's your homework: keep just one eye out while you're writing and ask yourself how your work is coming off tonally, for lack of a better term. The story's parallels to the early years are some of its stronger points, but the aforementioned blemishes can keep that strength from shining through as well as it could. Obviously, it doesn't have to be a complete lift of 2001-2003 - you said yourself you wanted some of your own style in it, and good on you for that, as you'd be rather letting yourself down as a writer if you didn't - but just make sure the sense of adventure you'd like to portray is coming through as well as possible. You mentioned in your review topic that the story will eventually open up with a war and a journey, and to that I say - carpe diem. Grab the reader by the throat and drag 'em into your world. They'll thank you for it. Edited by GSR

Hey: I'm not very active around BZP right now.  However, you can always contact me through PM (I have email notifications set up) and I will reply as soon as I can.


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Still no other reviews? Man, people are missing out. This is becoming as engaging as I initally expected. If I had a blog on this site (which may happen soon), I'll definitely be recommending this epic to others. Great stuff, ZOMBI3S!-Ced
Wow thanks, that means a lot! I prefer to think that people are intimidated by my beautiful storytelling and are too shy to post...but you know how it is. I've just revamped the epic and the this topic to make it look more professional.....hopefully that'll get the kids to come!
Yes, the chapters have names now! Nice addition. Part One ended on a very exciting note and I'm interested to see where things will go from here. You're doing great.
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  • 1 month later...

Of all the cliffhangery chapters for me to catch back up on this story at, it had to be the cliffhanger ending to Chapter 7. :lol: Act 2 is looking good thus far, with Takua handling the aftermath of losing his home and friends - you're exploring that rather nicely. Your Ko-Wahi is excellently described throughout too, hearkening back to that early Bionicle feel you were aiming for. Keep it up, ZOMBI3S.-Ced

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  • 1 month later...
  • 1 year later...

It has come to my attention that the formatting for The Herald of Darkness is, quite frankly, messed up. Many chapters have lost all form of paragraphs, and others have lost all their quotation marks. I am not sure why this is or how it happened, but I am in the process of fixing it. It just might take a while.

 

I would also like to address how bad I am at posting chapters. Yes, I am aware that it is very infrequent, and I apologize for that. I just have a lot of real life responsibilities (ew, responsibilities). However, if I go a very long time without posting, feel free to post here or PM me and tell me to get my life together, as I will never abandon this epic. Its my baby.

 

So sorry for any inconvenience, and as always, thanks for reading!

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I'm new here, but I've been following this epic for quite a while. I have to say, this isn't just good fan fiction, it's a good story period.

I seriously don't know where to begin. This story brings me back to the time when Mata Nui was an incredible place of mystic wonder, with something to discover under every rock. It really made me love what made Bionicle, for me, originally so great when it first dropped from the sky in canisters. Namely, it's esoteric mystery and mythical adventure. The legend of the Atouri was quite a nice touch, and the powerful dueling forces that were Mata Nui and Makuta brought back that sense of mythology that I appreciate.

Story wise, I was gradually hooked and reeled in, and now I can see a clear picture of what might be and is. I'm impressed by your ability to take Bionicle and make a story that I find not lacking and easy to understand.

Probably the most intense moment for me was the battle of Le-Koro where Talim and Matau…died. Gasp! He's actually killed a memorable character from the original story! What madness! :OMG: :P It was truly a…surreal moment. And I don't say that lightly.

All your characters are definable and as far as I can tell, none are abstract. You make all the characters come to life, which brings me to your writing.

Your latest chapter was just as good as the rest that came before. I like this character Kokani. The battle of Po-Koro had a very Lord of The Rings Battle for Minas Tirith feel…I thought it was a nice touch.

You write quite well. In fact, I was first interested in this epic at first because of the very impressive way it was written. It wasn't all "She said he said they went their something happened". You took a lot of attention to detail, and you quite simple just write well.

I can't really point out anything you could do better. Maybe I see through rose-colored glasses, but whatever. I enjoy this story.

I look forward to your future chapters. I like to write myself, and this epic was an inspiration. Keep up the good work! :bowdown: :thumbsup:

…It has been a while since I originally read it from the beginning, and I simply must do so again.

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I'm glad you like it! That really means a lot, and its definitely nice to know someone is reading! :D

Kokani is one of the more complex characters in the story, so its good to know that he comes off as at least a little likeable! I'm in the process of wrapping up part III right now, and I hope to get it out sometime in the near future. I tried to make it as epic as possible, so with any luck it won't disappoint. ;)

 

Thanks again for reading!

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  • 6 months later...

Ayo Zombi3s! I've been reading your story for several months now, and now that you've hit page 2, I finally decided to take a small step above measly lurking. I'm not one to create a wall of analytical text, but I will say that I have sincerely enjoyed the journey so far. I love the 'cryptic' sense, as other have eloquently put it, that laces the whole story, along with how well you draw the reader into the characters.

 

Anyway, I really just wanted to post to let you know that I am reading and wholeheartedly savoring each chapter. Keep up the awesomeness.

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Ayo Zombi3s! I've been reading your story for several months now, and now that you've hit page 2, I finally decided to take a small step above measly lurking. I'm not one to create a wall of analytical text, but I will say that I have sincerely enjoyed the journey so far. I love the 'cryptic' sense, as other have eloquently put it, that laces the whole story, along with how well you draw the reader into the characters.

 

Anyway, I really just wanted to post to let you know that I am reading and wholeheartedly savoring each chapter. Keep up the awesomeness.

 

Hey thanks! It always means a lot to know that people are reading, especially if they enjoy it. It's hard to believe that its been two years since I started posting, and finally I reach page 2!! Not many epics last that long. I've still got a lot of writing to do until this story wraps up, but for now I'm off to go celebrate.

 

Cheers!

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Wow, I read the first 8 or so chapters until finishing the one where Takua first meets Saku. A month or two later and I'm here thinking, "Where did these other 50 chapters come from!?"

 

This has definitely shaped up to be one of my favorite epics so far. Keep up the amazing work!

Every hero is born from his enemy; every leader, his followers; and every father, his children.

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Wow, I read the first 8 or so chapters until finishing the one where Takua first meets Saku. A month or two later and I'm here thinking, "Where did these other 50 chapters come from!?"

 

This has definitely shaped up to be one of my favorite epics so far. Keep up the amazing work!

 

haha what can I say I've been hard at work! And thanks so much for the praise, I hope I can keep you interested. Much much more on the way!

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Wow, this is your first Zombi3s? I would say your a natural but then again, I'm no expert.

I have throughly enjoyed reading this. I don't give a Kraz how many mistakes there are. There minor and I probably will never notice them until I re-read this a dozen times. I will keep reading till the very end.

~Just call me Shadow_Ignited~

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  • 1 month later...

Wow, this is your first Zombi3s? I would say your a natural but then again, I'm no expert.

I have throughly enjoyed reading this. I don't give a Kraz how many mistakes there are. There minor and I probably will never notice them until I re-read this a dozen times. I will keep reading till the very end.

 

Wow thank you! Great to have you along for the ride  B-)

 

If you find mistakes, feel free to post here or message me about them. I do proofread, but I find its quite hard to catch mistakes when you're the one who wrote it :/

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I would say, "out of the frying pan, and..." But I can no longer tell what's a frying pan and what's a fire in this story. Haha.

 

In the way of mistakes, I noticed the archer Krill kept "knocking" his arrows in his bow rather than "notching" them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I would say, "out of the frying pan, and..." But I can no longer tell what's a frying pan and what's a fire in this story. Haha.

 

In the way of mistakes, I noticed the archer Krill kept "knocking" his arrows in his bow rather than "notching" them.

 

Fixed! I looked it up: apparently you 'nock' an arrow into a nock, which is in itself a small notch. Well that's confusing.

 

And don't worry! The fire comes with the next chapter  B-)

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  • 1 year later...

Happy 4th birthday to The Herald of Darkness!

 

Oh god has it really been that long?

 

I need to get my life together

Wooo! Happy birthday, haha. Nah, I see no problem there. Means you've got your priorities straight, and enjoy writing a truly epic story on the side. As always, amazing few chapters those latest ones.

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  • 10 months later...

I said the L-word in this latest chapter....!

 

 

Slightly relevant:

 

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This would be hilarious if it weren't so sad.

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Voicing your opinions with tact is the best way to keep a discussion from becoming an argument.
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That past 10 or so chapters have been even more emotionally powerful. You continue to do an amazing job of delivering on the high fantasy of Bionicle in a way that feels perfectly relatable.

 

Also, 10/10 on the MNOG II easter egg. Hilarious tie in, and played off well enough to still fit.

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That past 10 or so chapters have been even more emotionally powerful. You continue to do an amazing job of delivering on the high fantasy of Bionicle in a way that feels perfectly relatable.

 

Also, 10/10 on the MNOG II easter egg. Hilarious tie in, and played off well enough to still fit.

 

Hahaha I am so glad that you caught that. And as always, thanks for the praise! I'm pretty sure it physically sustains me at this point.

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I had my eye on this epic for a while now, but I've only recently managed to read it all the way through. I'll review it in its entirety.

 

The first part is probably the best one. We're introduced to a Le-Koro that is similar to the original one, yet at the same time so much more realistic. For a start, both genders are represented and the concept of age is introduced, with old and young Matoran and even children present, as opposed to the original storyline, where almost everyone was practically ageless. The whole range of human emotions is available to the Matoran, with no taboos over romance. The village is also far more detailed than the screenshots we saw in MNOG and MNOG2, with all the locations that characterize a real urban centre.

Yet the similarities with the official story are there as well: we are still on the island of Mata Nui, there are the Great Spirit and his evil brother, the Matoran are still divided into tribes, each led by an old and wise Turaga, and a great deal of emphasis is placed on legends, prophecies and storytelling.

 

Then there's the plot itself. The reason the first part is the best is because you've managed to create a perfect crescendo. At first Takua leads an ordinary, if somewhat undisciplined, life. Then he receives from Matau a gift, whose worth is revealed only gradually, through stories and visions, which grow increasingly darker. At the same time Kokani's words and the attack on the storyteller give hints that evil forces are on the move and will soon strike. And then there is Saku, whose appearances become more and more concrete and frightening until at last the Toa of Shadow reveals himself. The climax is captivating in its sense of tragedy and inevitability, as Le-Koro is attacked, Matau and Talim die (even though Talim is later revealed not to be lost forever) and in general Takua's life is completely destroyed. The appearance of Makuta, with an aura of utter dread surrounding him, is the apex of all this.

 

By contrast, the second part is possibly the weakest. Of note are the timescales: for the first time, we actually get to see how long it takes to move across Mata Nui, and in a real mountain environment, instead of an endless and always identical blizzard.

This section is clearly dominated by Kokani's figure, who can now demonstrate all his experience and his survival and fighting skills. But to be honest Kokani doesn't particularly inspire me as a character: he is a teacher, a protector, an amazingly talented fighter and he has a dark and mysterious past, a combination that isn't particularly original.

In addition, the appearance of Saku, while important for the revelation that Talim can be saved, seems a bit thrown in, as is the presence of the Rahi Nui. Takua's escape seems also extremely confused.

Finally, the encouter with Nuju is a bit rushed. He gives them their task and they are on their way. Of course, mystery is part of the story, but it seems to me Takua and his companions should have more questions, even though it may not be possible for them to receive answers.

 

The third part doesn't take off very well. The encounter with Krosis seems a bit too coincidential; the same can be said, even more strongly, for the scene where Takua's party just happens to overhear the plan to attack Po-Koro.

However, apart from that, there is little I can criticize. To begin with, we see for the first time a settlement on Mata Nui that isn't situated in one of the villages. There are also hints to an uneasy coexistence between Matoran and Kryll, which I would have liked some more information on. Following that, there is the crossing to Po-Koro. Once again, you describe a realistic desert journey, with all the difficulties involved. Plus there's Raipu's Madness, which is wonderfully described and adds a further element of danger. The interplay of compassion and fear between the members of the group, which nearly leads to them killing each other and doesn't disappear once Raipu is cured, is also very realistic.

Finally, the battle. It is a real battle, with fighters battling with ordinary (and chemical) weapons, but without special powers, being wounded and slaughtered, capable both of confronting the enemy bravely and of fleeing. The only element that clashes with this is Pohatu's arrival. I suppose it was necessary, but still, the fact of Pohatu getting out of the canister, knowing exactly what to do, killing Kryll without a second thought (seeing people killed in war is realistic, but seeing someone starting to kill just after appearing out of nowhere isn't), is a bit odd. You might have exaggerated a bit, at least in this scene, the characterization of the Toa as powerful but distant heroes, which was how they were first conceived (and how we see most of them in MNOG).

 

The Onu-Koro plot is the second best. Once again, we start with a long, not instantaneous, journey. Then we arrive in the village and here social issues, virtually absent in the original story, are clearly dealt with, with a rich aristocracy leaving in luxurious central palaces and a periphery inhabited by poor, excluded and angry lower class which is clearly victim of economic exploitation. One does wonder how Turaga Whenua allowed this to happen, but apart from that there is no disputing the realism. Illum is given here his most complete portrayal, a charismatic politician who clearly knows how to move in the circles that count to gainpower and influence. Yet at the same time there is also a deeper layer to his personality; it is difficult to understand if he says something just for appearances' sake or if he really means it. This doesn't change when his complicity with Makuta is revealed; it is very difficult to understand his motivations and I do hope we'll have some more information on that.

Then there is the scene of the infection, with great descriptions of Takua's fear and confusion, of his visions and of his touching rescue by Talim. This is followed by the second appearance of the strange Matoran (I think I've figured out who he is) there is the battle and the appearance of Saku: the duel between him and Takua is amazing, with Takua's power and bloodlust as fascinating as inexplicable. Once again, you manage to create a great crescendo, with Saku going from amusement to irritation to fear and the climax of Takua using shadow powers on him. The final scene, with Nika's terrible death, gives a fittingly tragic conclusion to this section.

 

The Ga-Koro portion starts off a bit slowly. The encounter with Gali is interesting, but once again not enough questions are asked. The party that follows is something the characters clearly need, yet it still seems somewhat unnecessary for the plot's sake. Things start to get interesting when Takua and Jaka are kidnapped and we see the Kryll village. The Kryll here are definitely humanized, not just villains but a people with their elderly and their children. Krosis may be determined to wipe out the Matoran, but he is a protector for his people, for whom he cares deeply. When Aya exploits this, we're left wondering who's right and who's wrong, who's good and who's evil. Of course, none of this is particularly original, but you've managed to build it into your story very well nevertheless. Krosis's allusions to Makuta are also fascinating.

Ga-Koro is also a bit slow, but I liked the description of the city nevertheless, so much more complex than the lilypad village which is just a portion of it, a clear sign that this world is not changeless and economic prosperity is an important factor in its development. I also liked Nokama's character. The battle scene isn't as good as Po-Koro's, but it works nevertheless and the Rahi Nui fits in well here. The only thing that doesn't quite work are the hints to Makuta's presence, which do not fit into the scene as well as they do elsewhere.

 

Having reached the end of the plot, at least so far, let me say something about the characters. The best ones are the antagonists. Takua and his companions are mostly ordinary and not too interesting. This is fine, of course, you clearly want to show that they are ordinary people flung out of their lives and into this amazing and terrible adventure. Kokani is an exception, but I've already voiced my doubts on him. Of course, I'm waiting to see Takua's true nature be revealed, but so far we've seen hints to it only in Onu-Koro. On the other hand, the antagonists are great. I've already spoken about Krosis, but Saku is absolutely the best. He is clearly represented as an evil and frightening figure, yet there are hints to that not being the only aspect of his personality, there is some humanity shining through. Illum's tale confirms this (it also raises the questions of why Saku is still on Mata Nui and Takanuva is gone), as does his final duel with Takua. I do hope we haven't seen the last of him; given that his soul is in the Void, like Talim's, I guess it's not impossible we might see him again.

 

My overall judgement is overwhelmingly positive. You have truly managed to recover the spirit of the first three years, yet at the same time you've managed to create a far more realistic, complex and original world. I'm looking forward to see how this develops (will there be a portion set in Ta-Wahi? And will we see the Eastern Continent, to which Takua seems to be led by this visions?) and I hope we'll get a new chapter soon.

Edited by Toa of Italy
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I had my eye on this epic for a while now, but I've only recently managed to read it all the way through. I'll review it in its entirety.

 

The first part is probably the best one. We're introduced to a Le-Koro that is similar to the original one, yet at the same time so much more realistic. For a start, both genders are represented and the concept of age is introduced, with old and young Matoran and even children present, as opposed to the original storyline, where almost everyone was practically ageless. The whole range of human emotions is available to the Matoran, with no taboos over romance. The village is also far more detailed than the screenshots we saw in MNOG and MNOG2, with all the locations that characterize a real urban centre.

Yet the similarities with the official story are there as well: we are still on the island of Mata Nui, there are the Great Spirit and his evil brother, the Matoran are still divided into tribes, each led by an old and wise Turaga, and a great deal of emphasis is placed on legends, prophecies and storytelling.

 

Then there's the plot itself. The reason the first part is the best is because you've managed to create a perfect crescendo. At first Takua leads an ordinary, if somewhat undisciplined, life. Then he receives from Matau a gift, whose worth is revealed only gradually, through stories and visions, which grow increasingly darker. At the same time Kokani's words and the attack on the storyteller give hints that evil forces are on the move and will soon strike. And then there is Saku, whose appearances become more and more concrete and frightening until at last the Toa of Shadow reveals himself. The climax is captivating in its sense of tragedy and inevitability, as Le-Koro is attacked, Matau and Talim die (even though Talim is later revealed not to be lost forever) and in general Takua's life is completely destroyed. The appearance of Makuta, with an aura of utter dread surrounding him, is the apex of all this.

 

By contrast, the second part is possibly the weakest. Of note are the timescales: for the first time, we actually get to see how long it takes to move across Mata Nui, and in a real mountain environment, instead of an endless and always identical blizzard.

This section is clearly dominated by Kokani's figure, who can now demonstrate all his experience and his survival and fighting skills. But to be honest Kokani doesn't particularly inspire me as a character: he is a teacher, a protector, an amazingly talented fighter and he has a dark and mysterious past, a combination that isn't particularly original.

In addition, the appearance of Saku, while important for the revelation that Talim can be saved, seems a bit thrown in, as is the presence of the Rahi Nui. Takua's escape seems also extremely confused.

Finally, the encouter with Nuju is a bit rushed. He gives them their task and they are on their way. Of course, mystery is part of the story, but it seems to me Takua and his companions should have more questions, even though it may not be possible for them to receive answers.

 

The third part doesn't take off very well. The encounter with Krosis seems a bit too coincidential; the same can be said, even more strongly, for the scene where Takua's party just happens to overhear the plan to attack Po-Koro.

However, apart from that, there is little I can criticize. To begin with, we see for the first time a settlement on Mata Nui that isn't situated in one of the villages. There are also hints to an uneasy coexistence between Matoran and Kryll, which I would have liked some more information on. Following that, there is the crossing to Po-Koro. Once again, you describe a realistic desert journey, with all the difficulties involved. Plus there's Raipu's Madness, which is wonderfully described and adds a further element of danger. The interplay of compassion and fear between the members of the group, which nearly leads to them killing each other and doesn't disappear once Raipu is cured, is also very realistic.

Finally, the battle. It is a real battle, with fighters battling with ordinary (and chemical) weapons, but without special powers, being wounded and slaughtered, capable both of confronting the enemy bravely and of fleeing. The only element that clashes with this is Pohatu's arrival. I suppose it was necessary, but still, the fact of Pohatu getting out of the canister, knowing exactly what to do, killing Kryll without a second thought (seeing people killed in war is realistic, but seeing someone starting to kill just after appearing out of nowhere isn't), is a bit odd. You might have exaggerated a bit, at least in this scene, the characterization of the Toa as powerful but distant heroes, which was how they were first conceived (and how we see most of them in MNOG).

 

The Onu-Koro plot is the second best. Once again, we start with a long, not instantaneous, journey. Then we arrive in the village and here social issues, virtually absent in the original story, are clearly dealt with, with a rich aristocracy leaving in luxurious central palaces and a periphery inhabited by poor, excluded and angry lower class which is clearly victim of economic exploitation. One does wonder how Turaga Whenua allowed this to happen, but apart from that there is no disputing the realism. Illum is given here his most complete portrayal, a charismatic politician who clearly knows how to move in the circles that count to gainpower and influence. Yet at the same time there is also a deeper layer to his personality; it is difficult to understand if he says something just for appearances' sake or if he really means it. This doesn't change when his complicity with Makuta is revealed; it is very difficult to understand his motivations and I do hope we'll have some more information on that.

Then there is the scene of the infection, with great descriptions of Takua's fear and confusion, of his visions and of his touching rescue by Talim. This is followed by the second appearance of the strange Matoran (I think I've figured out who he is) there is the battle and the appearance of Saku: the duel between him and Takua is amazing, with Takua's power and bloodlust as fascinating as inexplicable. Once again, you manage to create a great crescendo, with Saku going from amusement to irritation to fear and the climax of Takua using shadow powers on him. The final scene, with Nika's terrible death, gives a fittingly tragic conclusion to this section.

 

The Ga-Koro portion starts off a bit slowly. The encounter with Gali is interesting, but once again not enough questions are asked. The party that follows is something the characters clearly need, yet it still seems somewhat unnecessary for the plot's sake. Things start to get interesting when Takua and Jaka are kidnapped and we see the Kryll village. The Kryll here are definitely humanized, not just villains but a people with their elderly and their children. Krosis may be determined to wipe out the Matoran, but he is a protector for his people, for whom he cares deeply. When Aya exploits this, we're left wondering who's right and who's wrong, who's good and who's evil. Of course, none of this is particularly original, but you've managed to build it into your story very well nevertheless. Krosis's allusions to Makuta are also fascinating.

Ga-Koro is also a bit slow, but I liked the description of the city nevertheless, so much more complex than the lilypad village which is just a portion of it, a clear sign that this world is not changeless and economic prosperity is an important factor in its development. I also liked Nokama's character. The battle scene isn't as good as Po-Koro's, but it works nevertheless and the Rahi Nui fits in well here. The only thing that doesn't quite work are the hints to Makuta's presence, which do not fit into the scene as well as they do elsewhere.

 

Having reached the end of the plot, at least so far, let me say something about the characters. The best ones are the antagonists. Takua and his companions are mostly ordinary and not too interesting. This is fine, of course, you clearly want to show that they are ordinary people flung out of their lives and into this amazing and terrible adventure. Kokani is an exception, but I've already voiced my doubts on him. Of course, I'm waiting to see Takua's true nature be revealed, but so far we've seen hints to it only in Onu-Koro. On the other hand, the antagonists are great. I've already spoken about Krosis, but Saku is absolutely the best. He is clearly represented as an evil and frightening figure, yet there are hints to that not being the only aspect of his personality, there is some humanity shining through. Illum's tale confirms this (it also raises the questions of why Saku is still on Mata Nui and Takanuva is gone), as does his final duel with Takua. I do hope we haven't seen the last of him; given that his soul is in the Void, like Talim's, I guess it's not impossible we might see him again.

 

My overall judgement is overwhelmingly positive. You have truly managed to recover the spirit of the first three years, yet at the same time you've managed to create a far more realistic, complex and original world. I'm looking forward to see how this develops (will there be a portion set in Ta-Wahi? And will we see the Eastern Continent, to which Takua seems to be led by this visions?) and I hope we'll get a new chapter soon.

 

Thank you so much for the review!! It's always great to hear what people think about your writing, especially if they enjoy it! You make a lot of good points, and looking back on some of my earlier chapters there are a lot of things I'd like to fix, but in the interest of finishing this story before I turn 90, I might have to put that on the back burner for now.

 

But I really want to say that I am so glad you like my antagonists!! I really think having strong bad guys is one of the most important aspects a story can have, and to be honest I was a bit worried I hadn't portrayed them as well as I wanted to. I basically had Aya sum up my thoughts in Part V, when she says "There's no such thing as villains, only heroes on the other side." I just can't do one-dimensional villains. They all have to be fighting for something, and you have to be able to relate to them, at least on some level. Otherwise, (at least for me) the whole thing feels...'meh.' 

 

I'm almost finished with the last chapter of Part V (finally!!), and I think its safe to say that big things are coming. It's great to have you aboard, and I hope you enjoy the ride!

 

As always, thanks for reading :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well guys, I did it. It only took me two years, but I finally finished Part V.

 

It was definitely the hardest to write so far, and by far the longest. When I started this whole thing my chapters were about three pages long, but by the end of Part V it was hard to keep them below ten. Ugh. Maybe I've like, grown as a writer or something weird.

 

Anyway, I hope you liked it, because yes, there's still more to come! But for now, I'm going to melt into my couch and eat nachos.

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Hahaha, yeah must be something crazy like "personal growth."

 

By this point of the story, the helplessness of Takua feels frustrating and tiresome. Yet at the same time, it seems like that's supposed to be the feeling as it builds up to part VI.

 

Along with that, props to you for not cashing out on the usual Bionicle trope of "weak hero finds the prophesy thing to solve problems and becomes the ultimate-form Toa to save the day." I would have been fine with it, and the ensuing battle would have been epic I'm sure, but it also felt awesome to see you say, "Nah, now isn't the time for that. Maybe later. Maybe."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hahaha, yeah must be something crazy like "personal growth."

 

By this point of the story, the helplessness of Takua feels frustrating and tiresome. Yet at the same time, it seems like that's supposed to be the feeling as it builds up to part VI.

 

Along with that, props to you for not cashing out on the usual Bionicle trope of "weak hero finds the prophesy thing to solve problems and becomes the ultimate-form Toa to save the day." I would have been fine with it, and the ensuing battle would have been epic I'm sure, but it also felt awesome to see you say, "Nah, now isn't the time for that. Maybe later. Maybe."

 

 

Yes haha I understand, but I'm actually very glad you feel that way. The more I write the more the more I am tempted to name chapters "Takua Ruins Everything. Again." Let's just say he has some trials go through before everything is said and done.

 

And thank you! I try to include a decent amount of Bionicle themes to keep The Herald of Darkness at least somewhat grounded in the original universe, but only so long as they fit within the story I'm trying to tell. And...well, you put it better than I probably could: now isn't the time for that. Maybe later. Just....maybe.

 

Cheers!

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  • 2 months later...

Sup homies.

 

Just wanted to say thanks for being patient. I realized after Part V that the coming chapters needed massive reworks in order to fit what I've made thus far...so yeah. Between that and a move and getting licensed for jobs and just me being a trash monster in general, things are going slower than I'd hoped.

 

But!  A new chapter will be coming soon. I promise :)

 

Love y'all.

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AT LAST! I've been waiting for this (not that I'm complaining: I'm in the middle of posting a very long epic myself and I'm realizing that it can be very time-consuming if you want to do the job well).

 

Let me first say something about the final Part V chapter. It was a bit of a let-down, which was probably the effect you were aiming for. Takua's disappointment is absolutely understandable and here more than ever he seems to question some fundamental aspects of Matoran society (the wisdom of the Turaga, the value of prophecy) and, by extension, of the original BIONICLE storyline.

 

I didn't like Jaka's speech about Talim much, but immediately after that the Kryll appear and a tragedy suddenly unfolds. It was unexpected, to say the least: to see both Kokani and Aya cut down so swiftly after having survived so much (Kokani at least seemed done for; I still haven't completely given up on Aya) is terrible, yet realistic in a way. Takua's desperation at this point is masterfully described. The only doubt I have at this point is whether all the visions of Talim that Takua had were deceptions, or just this last one.

 

The new chapter is very promising. We open with Krosis, who is once again confirmed to be a very complex antagonist. The scene of the dead Kryll once again emphasizes his attachment to his people and also serves to remind us that in this war distinguishinrg the side of good from that of evil is difficult, if at all possible. Krosis's impending attempt to take down a Toa and his journey to the Eastern Continent both seem interesting developments and I'm curious to see how they'll play out (as well as the hint that Saku might still be alive in some form).

Takua's part is less important. We meet this new Kryll character, though we'll have to wait to see how her role will develop. In any case I'll be waiting eagerly for a new chapter.

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Loving the empathy swap in the chapter especially. I can tell you're really trying to hammer home the idea that maybe the beloved and flawless Matoran aren't so perfect after all. The scene with Krosis seemed a *little* bit like a trope, but still hit me in the feels by the end.

 

Takua especially is beginning to sound like a real villain, if someone were to read this chapter on its own.

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  • 2 weeks later...

So great to hear you guys are still around and enjoying the story! Your comments always manage to push back the existential dread (jk jk... but seriously I do appreciate them).

 

I should let you all know that due to the rewrites that I had to do to the upcoming chapters/parts, I needed to go back and make a few edits to what I've already posted. Nothing substantial and nothing that will change the story at all, but I have gone back through everything and, well, edited it. Punctuation and capitalization for the most part (why did it take me so long to realize that I should capitalize 'Kryll??'), but also the occasional line of descriptive detail.

 

Again, very minor stuff, but if you re-read some older chapters you may notice a different sentence here or there. I realize this probably doesn't matter, but I thought I should let you know anyways 'cause I like to be real with you all. So... yeah.

 

Thanks for reading guys, and new chapters are coming soon!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Let's see, it's been two chapters since I've written anything, so I'll write a small review of those.

 

I was glad to see that, as I suspected, Aya is still alive and seems to be recovering swiftly. The journey to Ta-Koro is a promising development, considering the possibility of a new confrontation with Illum (which might bring with it some new revelations) and remembering Krosis's plan in Chapter 1.

 

Chapter 2 is dominated by the figure of Sithrak. He is portrayed very well, clearly mad but nonetheless dangerous. The interplay between him and Rashi will clearly lead to something, though it's too early to say what.

 

Chapter 3 is less memorable, I must say. I'm curious as to the meaning of the scene with the Toa, but no doubt we'll learn about that soon. I must say, I wasn't expecting Kokani to be still alive and to be honest I'm not sure I like this choice of yours: true, Kokani seems the ultimate survivor, but this time his survival seems a bit of a stretch.

 

I anxiously await a new chapter. Oh, and congratulations, by the way!

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My collection of epics: The Sanctum of Writing

 

 

 

 

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  • 3 months later...

Let's see, it's been two chapters since I've written anything, so I'll write a small review of those.

 

I was glad to see that, as I suspected, Aya is still alive and seems to be recovering swiftly. The journey to Ta-Koro is a promising development, considering the possibility of a new confrontation with Illum (which might bring with it some new revelations) and remembering Krosis's plan in Chapter 1.

 

Chapter 2 is dominated by the figure of Sithrak. He is portrayed very well, clearly mad but nonetheless dangerous. The interplay between him and Rashi will clearly lead to something, though it's too early to say what.

 

Chapter 3 is less memorable, I must say. I'm curious as to the meaning of the scene with the Toa, but no doubt we'll learn about that soon. I must say, I wasn't expecting Kokani to be still alive and to be honest I'm not sure I like this choice of yours: true, Kokani seems the ultimate survivor, but this time his survival seems a bit of a stretch.

 

I anxiously await a new chapter. Oh, and congratulations, by the way!

 

Thank you so much!! Your thoughts are always appreciated. I hear what you're saying about Kokani, and that's totally valid, but I've done a lot of thought on the matter and... well, i guess his story just isn't over quite yet :)

 

 

Another note I'd like to add: I didn't trip or pass out at the altar, so I'd say the wedding was a huge success! And now all that time spent on wedding planning gets to go right into writing! So... yeah! Excite.

 

Gracias for reading as always, amigos.

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