It is finished at 24 chapters.
Edited by The Iron Toa, Jan 16 2013 - 01:47 AM.
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Posted Mar 27 2012 - 11:06 PM
Edited by The Iron Toa, Jan 16 2013 - 01:47 AM.
Latest Update: RPG: Character Creation and Stats
My Story Collection
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End of Yrenta (Review Topic) (Currently at 55 Chapters)
I realize I haven't updated my stories or posted much for quite a while. I will get back it it sometime, and I am still checking the site daily for any interesting topics.
Posted Jan 18 2013 - 07:47 PM
At the helm, Vesai, Toa of Water, gestured apologetically at Tanu. She had moved the boat into a current more suddenly than she had meant, with no warning, causing the jolt. But the Toa of Plasma wasn't paying attention. Apparently he had spaced out again, lost in memories of the war. He wasn't the only one. Toa Vesai had made the slight miscalculation because she was deep in thought, too. Vesai had always been gentle and peaceful at heart. She had been a merchant, however, and sometimes had to travel to dangerous places. One day, she was badly injured. After recovering, she had taken to carrying a shield and a Rhotuka launcher to protect herself. But she never killed anything. Even after becoming a Toa, she still tried to act as gently as she could.In this example, you're being very staccato in how you narrate, with a lot of short, disconnected sentences. Consider "He wasn't the only one. Toa Vesai had[...]" - although this is supposed to link naturally from the previous event of Tanu spacing out, it feels disjointed due to the idea being divided by that period. What would seem more natural is combining the two sentences there as, for example, "He wasn't the only one; in truth, Toa Vesai had[...]". However, the following discussion of Vesai's background would still feel a little out-of-place, in my opinion, since the context of these thoughts is the war; it would make more sense to immediately discuss the war, and then work the backstory into her reflections on that. As it is now, it feels very sudden, as though we're just getting a random anecdote dropped in our lap. What's more, the final three sentences could be combined into two; consider "[...]to protect herself - but she never killed anything." This use of a dash provides a brief 'pause' in the narration while still allowing the ideas to be linked.
Lidon and his brothers had had similar successes since then, although the lands were far from safe. The goblins prowled plains, jungles, valleys, and mountains still. And most alarming of all was the report that the edges of Metaku's realm, long haunted by cave-goblins and other deadly subterranean creatures, were being mysteriously melted. The Onu-Matoran were baffled. They had first attributed it to seismic activity, but further examination disproved that idea. Rightfully worried, Metaku had called on the Toa to investigate. Due to the death of Kryaju and Lidon's nearly disastrous encounter with the aquatic people, Vibrak decided it would be best if his entire team investigated. Whatever threatened the underground realm, it might have been far too dangerous for one or two Toa alone.Again, you're splitting ideas here that don't need to be split; the first two sentences could easily be combined through a semicolon or dash and flow a good deal more naturally. Furthermore, I've noticed that when you do use transitions between sentences, you don't always pick an appropriate one; here the phrase "And most alarming of all" mostly works - it's the most alarming thing, after all - but to really show the trouble here, you might want to use something like "But most alarming of all" or "Yet more concerning than that". I'd aim for the latter, myself, as you've only provided one issue before using "and most alarming of all" - which would ordinarily be used after providing a pretty long list of issues. I'm also finding your word choice for some of the later sentences a little off; "Rightfully worried" feels like you're unnecessarily telegraphing the fact that this is a real crisis, and "due to the death of" feels overly clinical - it feels more natural to me to use something less formal, like "Still wary after the death[...]". And once more (since you do it a lot, I'll emphasize it a lot ) - you're splitting sentences that don't need to be split. The final two sentences could be easily joined with a dash or semicolon, or even by writing it as "if his entire team investigated, as whatever threatened the underground realm could very well be too dangerous for one or two Toa alone."
This is not over! You and your friends will die! And you will be the one who kills you and your friends! was heard from the shadows. At that, what was left of the structure's ceiling fell, burying the Toa. He quickly burst out, unharmed, but his attacker was gone. That his bedroom was destroyed did not trouble him, he had no possessions of value in it. In fact, his only possessions not on his person were his few secondary masks, safely stored elsewhere. His attacker's appearance, escape, and parting words troubled everyone greatly.First, you've opted to use the passive voice for the Shadow Toa's parting taunt ("was heard"), which creates a bit of a sense of detachment. Immediately after that, you note the ceiling falls and Spiileus quickly escapes, but you do it in about two sentences with a minimum of description - the result is that the reader doesn't really feel like they're seeing the scene, but rather reading a summary. This sense of detachment is furthered by the aside about Spiileus' possessions; given the situation, you'd expect the focus to be more on the Shadow Toa that just escaped, rather than the state of the bedroom and how Spiileus stored his other masks elsewhere. Finally, the last sentence is a pretty textbook example of telling and not showing; by simply saying that the parting words "troubled everyone greatly", it feels almost mundane and even a little unnecessary - it would feel more natural to perhaps narrate the group taking in the words, and let the reader rightfully infer that they were troubling indeed.
Soon after the Battle of the Pass of Iron, they had become disillusioned with themselves, and considered giving up their status as Toa. But in the end they had regained their confidence and chosen to continue as Toa, mainly because the young Matoran needed protectors and mentors.That's a pretty big internal struggle there, but we've skipped over it entirely. It's a piece of character development, true, but this is a pretty bad case of telling and not showing. Not only that, but the following chapters deal with the Shadow Toa, bringing us into what should be an important source of conflict - but the Shadow Toa threat manifests itself mostly as a series of action sequences, and though Vibrak's encounter with the 'ghosts' provides an interesting perspective on the morality of Yrenta's nigh-endless war, it gets glossed over by Vibrak going berserk and killing the Matoran. While that's a pretty big source of conflict for him, it's also one that could've been caused by any number of tricks in the Bionicle universe. Even Vibrak's Shadow Toa ultimately focuses on that rampage, rather than the questions posed by the Matoran beforehand, and Vibrak accepts it after that. It feels like you've passed over a much more interesting question for him to grapple with.
Edited by GSR, Jan 18 2013 - 07:50 PM.
Notice: I may be difficult to reach from May 25th to 27th.
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