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My Crazy Bionicle Adventure


Toa of Space and Fire

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Before I start I must say this is my original story. I am not going to copy stories. CHAPTER ONE : Dawn of the Dumb or Jaller and Hewkii's Zombie Daze Part 1 Characters:Axel /Nova: Represents me in this story. He was in-trusted with the Omega key which can bring Bionicles to life and turn him into a ToaToa Matoro: the scientist of the group.Toa Lhikan: Perhaps Lhikan is the bravest of the bunch.Kiina: try not to mention aliens or act stupid in front of her or face the wrath of the nagging beast.Nokama: Acts like a mom to the two matoran Hewkii and Jaller.Hewkii: Jaller's sidekickJaller: a Ta-matoran who wants to leave all the timeIcarax: a really crazy inventor who won't stop annoying everyoneOnua Nuva : my first bionicle.Narrator: One beautiful morning in Florida Jaller and Hewkii are talking under Axel's beach house. I should probably go see what they're doingJaller: Are you sure this "THING" Icarax gave you won't kill us Hewkii?Hewkii: I am confident that it won't. Quit your worrying man.Narrator: What are you two doing under here?*Jaller hides the device*Jaller: :innocent: Nothing.*At that moment a bottle spilled above the device causing it to hit the matoran and the narrator*In Axel's room*Axel: Has anyone seen Jaller and his pal Hewkii today?All: No, why?Axel: Just wondering. *thinking: I wonder where the Narrator went*Matoro: Come on lets go watch some T.V. I wonder if Ancient Ali-* stopped by everyone*Lhikan: Don't say aliens. remember what happens if you say that in front of Kiina.*Flashback of the main group and other bionicles watching an episode of Ancient Aliens*Kiina: Aliens are real and I know it!!! Whooo YEAAH ALIENS!!!Everyone else: Make it stop!!!* End flashback*Axel: Lets watch the Bionicle movies.Most: Sounds like a plan.Kiina: Aw man. :crying:*one marathon later*Onua Nuva:That was great. Weren't we supposed to be searching for somebody? :shocked: Oh no! We forgot to look for Jaller and Hewkii!Nokama: You guys need to find them NOW!! :burnmad:*zombified Matoran burst in the window*Axel: That's it I just got that window fixed after the Toa Ignika Incident. May he rest in peace. *switches to his toa form Nova (more details later)* Nova: LETS DO THIS! Fire punch!Jaller: Meh *scratches Nova's wrist Zombifying him*Lhikan: That's it nobody turns my friends into zombies on my watch! * attacks with volleys of fire knocking jaller unconscious *Matoro: I'll put an end to this *uses mask of reanimation on Jaller, Nova, and Hewkii* at least it worked on one of them. *freezes Jaller and Hewkii who was walking into the wall repeatedly.*Zombified Narrator: And so trfg duck wrt end of part one. Brains.Onua (hiding behind Matoro): Take him he's the smartest.So ends part one.Sorry if its to short.Anyways the Narrator has become a zombie so his speaking will be messed up for now.As for Axel /Toa Nova he was selected as the guardian of the omega key and transformed into a Toa of space and fire that as a moc is bigger then the Toa Mata Nui set. he is red, silver, and Obsidian with a Silver mask of life.As for the Toa Ignika incident don't ask.

Edited by Toa of Space and Fire

ZOMBIES are awesome, but Bionicle Zombies are cooler

 

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/Ehthak/HFChibis/surge2.0.swf

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I received your PM, so here's my review. Be warned that it's a bit long, but I hope it helps you just the same :) .First off, I think it's neat how you made the Narrator an actual BIONICLE character. In most comedies, the Narrator is usually the author's own orignal character, rather than a canon BIONICLE character. Making Onua Nuva the Narrator is an interesting twist, one I've never seen before in any comedy with a Narrator. Good job.I do caution, however, that you remember that Onua is an actual character, not just a Narrator. Make sure to emphasize some of Onua's personality traits - whether his canon ones or ones you made up for this comedic version of him - otherwise he'll just be the Narrator and not Onua Nuva the Narrator.Also, I like the Ancient Aliens reference. I just finished watching the first season, so I understood the reference. You managed to turn a canon fact about Kiina (her belief in alien worlds) into a joke, which is cool because most comedies don't seem to build off the canon characters' official personalities that much except in a few cases.I do have a few criticisms, though.Firstly, while you definitely don't overuse emoticons, you should still get rid of them. Emoticons are useful for online communication, but in stories they just interrupt the flow of the narrative. You can communicate the characters' emotions through their dialgue or actions or, heck, even just telling us what they are feeling (when appropriate, of course).So in future chapters, try not to use emoticons. They're just not necessary, IMO, even in a comedy. Just my opinion, though, and if you disagree, that's okay.Secondly, I think you should have describe Nova's appearance in the actual story itself, rather than inserting it in the author's notes after the chapter. Unlike canon characters - whose appearances don't need to be described because people already know how they look - original characters like Axel/Nova need descriptions because the reader doesn't know what they look like even if the writer does. There's no need for a long, detailed description; the description in the author's notes at the end would do just fine, IMO, and any other details Axel/Nova has can just be mentioned whenever they need to be.Your spelling and grammar were pretty good overall, though I think you need to work on some formatting, like here:

Onua Nuva : my first bionicleNarrator: One beautiful morning in Florida Jaller and Hewkii are talking under Axel's beach house. I should probably go see what they're doing

The line beginning with "Narrator" should be in the story itself, not fused with the author's notes.That was about the only formatting issue I noticed, though, so good job on that :) .Also, I think you should have explained more about the Omega Key and why Axel was chosen to be its guardian. Even if you plan to delve more deeply into the origins of the Omega Key later, a simple description of it and maybe a throwaway line like "Oh, the Omega Key chose Axel" or something would at least hint that the Omega Key is important to the story. Right now the Omega Key is even less important than the window the Matoran broke (unles that's what you were intending, that is).Despite my fairly long post, I think that with more practice and effort on your part this comedy could go somewhere. I hope you try to be as creative and original as you possibly can, though, because if you're not careful it could end up generic or unoriginal.Keep on writing :) !-TNTOS-

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog

The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness

(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)

{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)

(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)

The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)

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Your spelling and grammar were pretty good overall, though I think you need to work on some formatting, like here:

Onua Nuva : my first bionicleNarrator: One beautiful morning in Florida Jaller and Hewkii are talking under Axel's beach house. I should probably go see what they're doing

The line beginning with "Narrator" should be in the story itself, not fused with the author's notes.
I'll fix that. Also my Narrator is not Onua. the spacebar is messed up on my computer. Edited by Toa of Space and Fire

ZOMBIES are awesome, but Bionicle Zombies are cooler

 

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/Ehthak/HFChibis/surge2.0.swf

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Your spelling and grammar were pretty good overall, though I think you need to work on some formatting, like here:

Onua Nuva : my first bionicleNarrator: One beautiful morning in Florida Jaller and Hewkii are talking under Axel's beach house. I should probably go see what they're doing

The line beginning with "Narrator" should be in the story itself, not fused with the author's notes.
I'll fix that. Also my Narrator is not Onua. the spacebar is messed up on my computer.
Oops. Sorry. Didn't realize that.Guess that's another reason to always double-check what you write before posting it :P .-TNTOS-

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog

The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness

(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)

{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)

(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)

The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Time for a new chapter. Sadly this post has very little humor. MCBA Chapter One Part Two : Dumb Rising or Dawn of the Dumb part twoZombie Narrator: Ut ultimum reliqui Axel et lhikan sunt oppugnare me. (Translation: As we last left off Axel and Lhikan were attacking me.)*zombies speak latin now*Lhikan: The Latin it burns!!!!!!! *falls holding hands over nonexistent ears*Nova: That is it! I've had it to Karzahni's realm and back with these zombies! *Charges at zombie narrator and uses mask power on him*Narrator (back to normal): At last I'm free from the Ancient Latin!!!!(At Matoro's lab)Narrator: As everyone gathered around to listen to the news a strange m.o.c walked in the room.Most of the gang: Who is that?!M.O.C : I am West, I heard you folks have a zombie problem.Axel: You're like character from Dead rising !*Axel receives odd stares from everyone but Lhikan*Axel: How are you even alive I never built or used the key on you?West: Kid, do you seriously think you are the holder of a power key? There are ten others like you. Sure you're the most powerful one,but that doesn't mean you're the smartest.Matoro: How dare you speak to the Great Beings' chosen herald like that, Mr. East!West: Actually my name is West.Turaga Matau: Paradox!Axel: Matau, I said no copyingMatoro: The point still stands. Get out of here East... I mean West!Narrator : As soon as East... I mean West left the house Matoro began his speech.Matoro: We have discovered three ways to stop Icarax's plan. Here they are : One, send in the Hero Factories to attack Icarax, Two , use the combined powers of my mask of reanimation , the mask of life , and the mask of light to destroy Icarax's device and de-animate Icarax, Three is use the Omega Key and de-animate Icarax's device.Rocka: I vote for plan three combined with plan one.Everybody else but Axel: AgreedNarrator: So we split into teams to stop Icarax's dark plot.Ackar: Do I have to work with Kiina and Gresh?Kiina and Gresh: Do we have to work with Ackar?Lhikan: Yes you do. So be nice to the old man.*At Icarax's labyrinth*(Rocka and his team burst in through the door)Icarax: How did you find me?Surge: *throws sign that reads "Icarax's Lair" Icarax: Never mind. I bet you won't survive this! *blasts Rocka and his team with a shadow blast that causes them to fall on the floor into pieces*Narrator: I'll stop you with the power of narration ! At that moment Icarax switched to the side of good for the rest of time.Icarax: What... is ... happening... to.... me?! Would you care for some tea?Narrator: No I'm fine. Could you please turn of the device you made and restore my friends? Although I bet they won't be seen in anymore chapters.*Two hours later*Axel: Great job everyone! Especially Narrator.Narrator: And so ends chapter one.Author's noteSo what did you all think of the conclusion to chapter one ?And yes I know I may lose a few of you do to hero factory's brief cameo..... http://www.bzpower.com/board/public/style_emoticons/default/confusedw.gifNext chapter should feature my friend in the start of the Omega Key saga.

Edited by Toa of Space and Fire

ZOMBIES are awesome, but Bionicle Zombies are cooler

 

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/Ehthak/HFChibis/surge2.0.swf

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This chapter had a few funny moments such as:

*At Icarax's labyrinth*(Rocka and his team burst in through the door)Icarax: How did you find me?Surge: *throws sign that reads "Icarax's Lair"

Pretty funny.I noticed a couple of problems, though:

Matoro: How dare you speak to the Great Beings' chosen herald like that, Mr. East!West: Actually my name is West.Turaga Matau: Paradox!Axel: Matau, I said no copying

There's a big gap between West's line and Turaga Matau's line that I don't think you intended. It should just be spaced once, not twice.

Matoro: We have discovered three ways to stop Icarax's plan. Here they are : One, send in the Hero Factories to attack Icarax, Two , use the combined powers of my mask of reanimation , the mask of life , and the mask of light to destroy Icarax's device and de-animate Icarax, Three is use the Omega Key and de-animate Icarax's device.

There are a lot of spelling, grammar, and punctuation errors in this line, so I'll just show you what you should do to correct it:

Matoro: We have discovered three ways to stop Icarax's plan. Here they are: One, send in the Hero Factories to attack Icarax. Two , use the combined powers of my Mask of Reanimation, the Mask of Life, and the Mask of Light to destroy Icarax's device and de-animate Icarax. Three is use the Omega Key and de-animate Icarax's device.

It is much better that way, IMO, and more correct.So next chapter is going to start the Omega Key Saga? Sounds good. Will read it :) .-TNTOS-

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." - Theodore Roosevelt

A Writerly Blog

The Tasty Library of Sugary Goodness

(My Little BIONICLE: Friendship is Explosive Completed 01/05/14)

{The Shika Trilogy Omnibus Completed 03/31/14) (Review Topic)

(In the End Completed 09/01/14) (Review Topic)

The Biological Chronicle: (2001) (2002) (2003) (2004) (2005) (2006) (2007) (2008) (2009) (2010)

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

My Crazy Bionicle Adventure Time Paradox Chapter ?Narrator: Time for the Omega key saga to begin. One problem, our guest star chickened out. In this Chapter.... I'll let Lesovikk explain. Lesovikk : In this Chapter new powers will be found. Allies will be made. I will replace Lhikan.Lhikan: No. You will not. Will he, Nova?Nova: I am not replacing anyone.Lesovikk: As I was saying, Titans will clash. Our guest star decided he couldn't handle it.(Everyone is gathered at Icarax's former evil lair)Nova: I have called this meeting inorder to tell you more about that one fate-filled night .As you may know I am a bearer of an Omega key. Some of you may want to know about how I got it.It was a cold afternoon at my old house. I was out in the back yard playing with two of my original Bionicle figures, Jaller and Onepu, when a light appeared near the shed. The light then turned into a portal and a Toa... I think his name was Orde, fell out of the portal. He called me over and with his last breath entrusted me with the omega key and task to stop the cracks in time and space...Kopaka Phantoka: You mean a paradox.Nova: Yes, now back to the story. He told me to stop the Cracks and unite the Keys. Then a huge light appeared and he pretty much vanished except for his mask. Then the Omega key's cylinder glowed causing all of you to come to life. But know I would like to tell you something interesting recently a lot of these paradoxes showed up on the radar.Narrator: At that moment a beam of energy hit the wall and turned into a portal leading to Spherus Magna. In return the Omega key turned all the Bionicles present movie style.Lhikan: Whoa! I look awesome!Lesovikk: Speak for yourself. I'm limited to walking now.Nova: No. You're not look again.Narrator: Indeed. The Portal had opened up right along a beach where two familiar looking Glatorian were talking.Kiina: That's Impossible that's Malum and Ackar during the war from Legends of Bara Magna.Narrator: At that moment Malum and Ackar spotted Nova's red and black armor and started to charge at Nova.Nova: No no no I'm a fire tribe member *holds up fire sword*Ackar: Alright your going with us. As well as your captives.Onua: I am nobody's captive.Ackar: So your an ally?Onua: Along with the rest of us. *points at everyone else*Malum: .... ( Oy vey)(later at The fire village)Agori Guard 1: Ackar and Malum have returned with some prisoners.Agori Guard 2: Thats a lot of captives.*gates lower*Nova: Whoa!Jaller Inika: I second that "Whoa!".Lhikan: I third it. * receives odd stares* What? Ackar: We return with allies from many different tribes. Fire tribe elder (looking at matoran) : They seem a little short to be glatorian.Ackar: On your left.Fire tribe elder: What a weird mask.Jaller Inika: Aww man that stings.Narrator: Nope thats a giant Scorpio machine.*Jaller faints. All turn around slowly and take a battle stance*Nova: That is it! * turns into titan mode, and draws his weapon* Take this!Narrator: As he ran at the Scorpio it stuck out its leg tripping Nova. Then Nova got up and trapped the Scorpio in time.Nova: Since when could I do that? Time for What I've been dying to try! *shoots a combined blast of fire,gravity,plasma,and dark energy at the scorpio pushing it into lava, while the pilot jumped onto the roof of the arena, and into a pool of water for soldiers* All: awesome!!Kopaka: *puts on sunglasses* I guess you could say "He's all in."Matau:Yeeeeaaaaah! Narrator: What will happen next?-ENDI will have a guest star contest this week.

ZOMBIES are awesome, but Bionicle Zombies are cooler

 

http://www.brickshelf.com/gallery/Ehthak/HFChibis/surge2.0.swf

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