7 replies to this topic

[Parazan]

Hello,and welcome to the review topic for my Hunger games review topic*
Note: I will be doing Catching fire and Mockingjay once i'm done with this one
Okay,so i'm remastering the Hunger Games trilogy to make a BIONICLE version.
List of epics:


(That's a Nui-Rama,by the way)
THE HUNGER GAMES: http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=4210
Characters:
Morbuzahk
Grefujah
Zaru
Frida
Random Vahki
Morbuzahk's parents(mentioned only)
Turaga Dume(mentioned only)
Plot:
When his brother is chosen to compete in the Hunger Games,Morbuzahk takes his place,not even knowing what he will go through.

Of course,silly,this is the thread where you get to review the epics;made for you to review this and for future Epics to be better. I can't improve if you just say "Wow,that was awesome,make more!". It lightens up my spirits,but it doesn't help me to improve.

Edited by Parazan, Apr 06 2012 - 10:38 AM.

[Nevermore]

Okay, I'm just focusing on grammar and spelling for this review because bad grammar spelling can distract from a good story.

First of all you seem to not put spaces after semi-colons and commas. This isn't as bad as other stuff I've seen where spaces are randomly missing but it still distracts from the story itself.

I am awaken by my pet light-bug.

That would be "awakened".

A Ga-Matoran named Frida(whom has been physically altered by the capitol so that she's pink instead of her natural shade of blue)

There needs to be a space between words and parenthesis.

I would suggest that you write this on Microsoft Word, it has an automatic spelling and grammar checker that can prevent mistakes like these.

[Parazan]

Alright,i'll do that.

[avmatoran]

The story isn't bad, I would add a little more Bionicle, a little less Hunger Games, but that's just me. Yes, fixing the grammar would be good.

[JiMing]

Having spaces after commas would be great.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I haven't read any of The Hunger Games book (or seen the movie), so I really can't compare this to the work that it is based off of. But I still think that its a good start for an epic. Other members have already talked about spacing between commas and etc., so I won't repeat anything about them. I will say this though; events like 'Naming Day' and 'Reaping Day' should be capitalized.

[Parazan]

Wow,i've even forgotten that this was here! And silly me,I forgot about remastering Gale and Katniss running off into the woods,and Haymitch's head-dive at the reaping(how could I?).
Hopefully a new chapter will be posted by tomorrow.

[Nick Silverpen]

Nick Silverpen here with your ECC Charity Review:

 

Interesting concept, first off, of “Bionicle-izing” Suzanne Collin’s series. Metru Nui seems to be a peculiar setting for this though. It’ll be interesting to see how it plays out, how your character compares to Catniss. Morbuzahk, an interesting name for a Matoran- it must be set sometime far in the future, where the legends have become very faint. I hope this name plot becomes significant to the overall story, because it would make it an even better spin off of the series. Axxon- does he represent the President? You present a varied array of characters here, that could have some rich interaction, influenced by a Makuta legacy.

 

Your narration seems a bit trivial, loaded with little bits. Instead of going into the fluff, such as your statistic for brains falling out, go into description more of what the headache feels like. Also, elaborate more on the relationship between Morbuzahk and his brother. One last thing: the ages of the Matoran vary, and while this is fanfiction, you could elaborate the extended lifespans of Matoran; that could play into the agony and tension of having the named picked more for the reader. 

 

This chapter seems a bit bare, and I encourage you to write more. You have potential with this story, from the interesting cast the strings that encourage the reader. Also, simply writing helps develop skill. Incorporate more Bionicle as well, as the former reviewers have said.The more you write, the better you become. Best of luck with continuing this story!