34 replies to this topic

[The Iron Toa]

<p>This is the review topic for my third epic, <span class="bbc_underline"><a href="http://www.bzpower.c...?showtopic=4219">End of Yrenta</a>.</span><br />
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It is still in progress, and currently at 55 chapters.</p>

Edited by The Iron Toa, Jan 12 2013 - 12:22 AM.

[Toa Sonis]

It is excellently written, especially for a first-time epic. The way you handle fight and travel scenes is well done--there's just enough action, without it being too confusing or to non-descript. All the mysteries in the background of the story help the plot along, and provide some extra excitement for the reader.

My only complaint so far is that you sometimes (presumably accidently) refer to Vilam as a he. This can lead to some confusion as to who's doing what, but other than that it's all good!

[The Iron Toa]

Thanks, Toa Sonis! This is actually not my first epic, it is the last in a series. (See my story collection topic.) Of course, the earlier ones are probably poorer in writing quality, but I recommend you read them in order.

As for your complaint -- d'oh! I haven't noticed that. I reread my chapters before I post them, and never noticed. Can you find an example of that error?

[Toa Sonis]

Sure,

"Vilam woke up and saw the ground moving in a blur under her. Her wrists were tied together and someone was carrying her over her shoulder. He looked and saw it was a white and black-armored being with a crested head."

I assume the "he" part at the beginning of the second sentence is actually referring to Vilam. I have also noticed this error occurs primarily in the later chapters, at least after they become Toa.

Chapter 14 is well done, fits with the rest of the story well. The only part I didn't understand was the Turaga saying he had "given up his Toa power long before". I may just be ignorant, but I was under the impression that Toa immediately turned into Turaga upon giving up their powers. Does this mean Vibrak was a Turaga at the time they fought the titan-beast? Please correct me if I'm wrong...

Edited by Toa Sonis, Apr 15 2012 - 09:33 PM.

[The Iron Toa]

Thanks for catching that, I'll have to go and correct those incorrect pronouns.

As for the Turaga, giving up their Toa power (their Toa energy is what is meant in that context, not elemental power) is one of two prerequisites for becoming a Turaga. The other is completing your special destiny as a Toa. For example, this is the reason Lhikan was still a Toa when he was delivering the Toa stones which he had already imbued with his Toa power -- he was destined as a Toa to bring the Toa Metru into existence. If you read the previous story, you'll see that that character gives up that energy long before his destiny is complete, and so he was destined to be a Toa until that particular time.

[Ptah]

Greetings,

I just finished reading Chapter 1 and wish to add my constructive comments.

First, the backstory. I can see you put a lot of thought into the world and the conflict, but laying out so much in the first chapter seems unwise. I found it hard to follow as goblins and Makuta are tossed in with no real connection to the ongoing battle. I'd recommend writing down the complete history of the land and save it until the story absolutely calls for it. At this point all we need to know is there is a big fight and our protagonists are caught in the middle trying to get out.

Second, faceless casualties. I see you want to convey the death and destruction in this fight. The hero loses a lot of friends in the chapter. I think he loses too many. When I read so many good guys die so quickly, I feel unattached. Imlen and the others don't seem to matter because at any point they will be dead too. I'd recommend keeping the group small like 3 or 4. If someone dies, make it one character so we can measure the impact their passing has. A gang of seven where 3 die in the first few pages many convey danger of the situation, but it also establishes the characters as disposable.


Keep writing

[The Iron Toa]

It is a lot of exposition in the middle of a battle. I guess I wanted to both set the scene and make the beginning exciting. (If you want the full backstory, read my earlier epics.) The later chapters might do that somewhat, but the big block of exposition is something I usually do in the first chapter. I'll try not to let exposition bog down the action too much in the future. As for all the deaths, I wanted to convey how things are becoming more dangerous for Imlen and the others. I didn't consider how, because the reader doesn't know what I do about the plot yet, the deaths can make all the characters look disposable.

[Toa Sonis]

Very consistent writing throughout all twenty chapters. I also like the continued mystery and suspense, it adds to the overall story structure.

My only complaint is the long deviation from the Toa's original purpose. I know it's necessary, but the impatient side of me wants them to get back sooner.

I would also like to discover the identity of the mysterious Dark Hunter Vortixx...but I guess as they're on their way to Xia, maybe something will occur there?

[The Iron Toa]

Thanks for reviewing again, Toa Sonis. I myself felt awkward writing about the Toa leaving for seven years, I wasn't quite sure how to do it right. My intention is to eventually smooth that out by writing short stories about their adventurers in other lands. Also, Iskanemo has a point: with the number of the Toa severely dwindling, three Toa have a bigger responsibility than defending one little place. As for the Dark Hunter Vortixx, I am considering having him appear again soon.

There's another thing I'm worried about, and it would be nice to get a little feedback. I've made this new Toa team kind of, um, quirky, with the wise and cynical Toa of Air, the Hordika with his savagery, and the Toa of Psionics as the straight-woman, countering those two. I'm worried about that upstaging the personalities of the original three Toa, which seem sort of bland to me. Does it seem like that to the readers?

[Toa Sonis]

So far, I think you're doing a good job maintaining the original personalities of the first three (or now, I guess, two) Toa. Paqyar seemed to fade into the background a bit, but the others are just what they were--noble and strong, with slightly less experience and bitterness than the other three. The mix of personalities in the Toa Muktirhith doesn't really bother me much.

Nice comeback for the (Dark Hunter) Vortixx! Your incorporation of him seemed easy enough, yet just as mysterious as all other times.

Edited by Toa Sonis, Apr 26 2012 - 08:41 PM.

[The Iron Toa]

Good. I could probably use some more, um, critical criticism, like what Ptah posted. But it's good to know you think I'm doing well enough. I guess I tried to make Paqyar sort of an Iskanemo-Lite, I mean a little more of a pragmatist and pessimistic than his friends. I guess his most defining traits ended up just being his sharp eyes and use of ranged weapons. Oh well.

I'll try to get the next chapter posted tonight.

[Toa Sonis]

Really the only criticism I can think of is that the story seems a little "sectioned"--like when Imlen, Vilam, and Paqyar are Matoran, when they become Toa, finding the Turaga, their various phases of adventure, and the voyages that bring them there. It flows well within these "sections", but the transitions seem rather abrupt. Things are getting a little closer to home in their current quest (through chap. 25), but it still seems like everything they did before that was--for lack of a better description--in another life.

Found another typo:

Her powers were preventing him from using his Mask of Telepathy, which granted him a great tactical advantage.

I assume the tactical advantage was Vilam's?

Edited by Toa Sonis, May 06 2012 - 08:07 PM.

[The Iron Toa]

Yeah, I do kind of abrupt transitions sometimes. Especially long time skips, I do that a lot for the previous epics, which had timelines spanning millennia, and it'll happen again in this story before it's over. Like I said earlier, I'll see about writing short stories to fill some of the time between the gaps. Besides the time skips, I try to make things flow well enough. But I can see how those chapters can seem to be 'another life' because the first of those were seven years ago, and in the others they were away from home. Is that what you meant? As for the typo, look again. Zima is the one that wears the Mask of Telepathy. It seemed clear when I typed that part.

Thanks for reviewing again.

[Toa Sonis]

Oops, my bad! Sometimes I get briefly dyslexic like that...

Pretty much, yeah. It's not even so much the transitions between chapters as the ones between events. It is hard to write time skips, and I admire your efforts, but the short stories will help a lot.

[The Iron Toa]

Sorry the chapter I just posted took so long, but at least the one before ended suspensefully. Or perhaps not, if you know what to expect. Anyway, what happens in this next chapter might seem random and out of place, but it makes more sense if you read the previous story.

[Toa Sonis]

To critique:

“Imlen the renegade?” one of the other Ga-Matoran spoke up excitedly. “I've heard of you! I knew you had a greater destiny!”
“Oh, I... don't know what to say,” said Imlen. “Just doing what I need to.”

Imlen's sentence here seems a little...strange. Mostly the "just doing what I need to part". Maybe something like,

"Oh, I...don't know what to say," Imlen stuttered. "I guess I'm just...doing what's in front of me."

Also,

“I'm Iskanemo.”
“I am Mozmana, Toa of Psionics.”
“And I'm Vayrag, a Toa Hordika... of Magnetism.”

I assume Iskanemo didn't say his element on purpose? He seems like that kind of guy...


Just consider. Excellent chapter as a whole!

Edited by Toa Sonis, May 15 2012 - 10:03 PM.

[The Iron Toa]

Hmm, what you came up with was a better sentence. My line does sound like 'bad acting' now that I read it again. Oh well, at least he admitted he didn't know what to say. I'll try to make sure the dialogue sounds more natural in the future. I mean, I pay less attention to making sure dialogue is grammatically correct, because people don't always use perfect grammar when they talk, but if it comes out awkward, it has the opposite effect.

When I made Iskanemo neglect to mention he was a Toa of Air, it was not so much his personality as the fact that it was obvious. He's primarily bright green (Lewa Mata green) with some gray and he knows they have Le-Matoran in Yrenta. As for Mozmana, Ce-Matoran don't live in Yrenta, and she could possibly be confused for a Toa of Water with golden armor. And Vayrag isn't immediately recognizable as a Toa, and he wanted to clarify that he's a half-beast, but still one of the five Toa before anyone asked. Hence the emphasis on Hordika, then the pause to let that sink in before he mentions what element he is.

Thanks for reviewing again. I think I'm almost done with my next chapter, but it's been kind of awkward to write (you'll probably be able to guess why when you read it), so I should spend some extra time proofreading it. I think I'll get it done by the end of tomorrow.

[Toa Sonis]

Hmm...in the defense of Ba-Naja, I think you used "undead" to describe the three reanimated Toa a few too many times. By about halfway through, we got the idea that these weren't ordinary "heroes"...online thesauruses are so useful sometimes.

By the way, is Naja actually Matoran for fortress or did you make it up? I really like that term.

[The Iron Toa]

Yeah, that's why it was awkward to write -- two groups of Toa that are very different, but only a few appropriate adjectives to distinguish between them. I use an online thesaurus, but it was not helpful on that subject. I also wasn't sure if it's appropriate to just call them Toa of Fire/Stone/Sonics because they're not really that anymore. Maybe I can arrange a way for the main characters to learn their names.

Naja, as far as I know, is not a canon Matoran word. I made it up, which is why it's supposed to be an archaic term from Yrenta.

[Toa Sonis]

Heh heh heh...sorry about the late reply. Been busy.

Anyway, the descriptions of the undead were much better in the last two chapters--maybe 'cause they appeared less, I don't know. Either way, they seemed more...alive. (Pardon the pun.)

[The Iron Toa]

No problem, thanks for continuing to review at all. Though I do wish some others would tell me what they thought...

Anyway, I hope you like the past couple chapters. It's the climax, or at least a climax -- you may have noticed what the title describes hasn't yet come to pass, and I have a general idea of what I want to happen to Imlen and the others.

[Takanuvainika]

I accidently put a review in the story so I will delete that, anyway here is my post:

This is an interesting story I liked the way people died in this story it didn’t have toa dyeing left and right like they couldn’t fight at all, but you still had Paqyar killed by a stray canon shot, showing that accidents happen and people die, its part of life and sometimes we have to accept it. All in all this is a good story. It is against the toa code to kill your enemies and toa who do kill to save lives are usually frowned but they are still considered toa.
This is an interesting story I liked the way people died in this story it didn’t have toa dyeing left and right like they couldn’t fight at all, but you still had Paqyar killed by a stray canon shot, showing that accidents happen and people die, its part of life and sometimes we have to accept it. All in all this is a good story.

End of Yrenta

Chapter Thirty-five

==Yrenta Region, Northern Continent, Matoran Universe==
~543 AGC~

Iskanemo reminded Imlen. “Remember, it's not a crime to kill an enemy to keep yourself alive. His words were empty, only meant to delay you.”


Review

It is against the toa code to kill your enemies and toa who do kill to save lives are usually frowned but they are still considered toa.

[The Iron Toa]

Thanks for reviewing. I haven't been working on this as much as I used to, but I'll try to get back into it soon. I'm happy you noticed that about Paqyar's death, I indeed wanted to give a character an unexpected and rather anticlimactic death for a change. (And that's also a reason for Imlen to be extra sore about it -- Paqyar didn't get the hero's death he deserved.) As this is a dangerous time, especially for Toa, this story does and will have a lot of characters die, but I'll try to keep it reasonable. I try to keep a balance between having the characters never die (which is alright sometimes, for example the Toa Nuva, but these characters aren't as important) and what you said, having them seem like they can't fight at all. As for the Toa Code and killing, according to BS01, "certain circumstances allow Toa to avoid the Code, like instances where saving one's enemies would potentially cause the death of the Toa." And Iskanemo is a pragmatist in a very dangerous time for Toa, so he follows a less strict interpretation of the Code.

[Takanuvainika]

I like the new chapters but I think Stuhi should survive, he's to brave to die (although that may be a contridiction in terms)

[The Iron Toa]

Sorry for the hiatus. As you can see, I've still been active on BZPower and am still interested in Bionicle. But I've been having trouble concentrating on the story lately. I will do my best to keep posting chapters while balancing it with things like other hobbies and a little bit of school. Sometimes I can get into it and sometimes I can't, you know, but if this keeps up hopefully the next chapter will be done within a week. Maybe even a few days.

And Takanuvainika, I hope you like what I've done with Stuhi. (I also have models of him, and one of Baw, that I will upload pictures of soon.)

Also, thank you to Maganar, rahkshiguurahk, and boston100 for letting me borrow their characters for the current story arc.

[Takanuvainika]

Interesting chapter but I think the toa would combine the powers more often, they would do a lot more damage.

Edited by Takanuvainika, Sep 11 2012 - 10:25 PM.

[The Iron Toa]

Yeah, I had better not forget about that. Sometimes I describe it in vague terms, like 'a storm of elemental powers', but I'll try to keep in mind how these Toa specifically can combine their powers in this next chapter. Sometimes it's hard with the remaining Toa Muktirhith, however -- a Lightning and Plasma combination is an obvious choice, but how could Psionics be used in conjunction with those elements?

[Takanuvainika]

Mental lightning; a chain lightning strike that affects the minds of everyone it hits.

[The Iron Toa]

Like, using her powers to amplify the psychological and sensational effects of her companions' elemental attacks?

[Takanuvainika]

That would work, but I was thinking that the lightning would carry the mental attack.

[The Iron Toa]

I get how that would work. I may not use that particular ability, but I'll keep the concept in mind. Psionic energy hitching a ride on other elemental energy, right?

Anyway -- wow, four chapters of this story arc before they even reach the shores of Destral! I hope this latest direction the story's been going isn't too dark, but war is never pretty. Well, I do hope some of the scenes I depict are pretty, in an epic-dramatic sort of way.

[Takanuvainika]

Great chapter I can't wait to see what happens next. Here is a thought, Waskita saw them die but did she see that they would die in this battle, perhaps the battle she saw was a ways into the future?

[The Iron Toa]

Well, it was my intention that Waskita knew that what she saw would come to pass very soon. In Dwellers in Darkness, Gaaki seems to know that someone's going to die on their upcoming mission, I took inspiration from that for this. But I'll try to address your idea in the next chapter I make.

[Takanuvainika]

Horray another chapter. I like the way you portray the power levels of the makuta, it seems that they are always made either to powerful or to weak but you got it pretty good. What are these 'warriors' that are in the battle, are they just the king's men or are they different species from all around the universe? You probable already said this but I don't remember.

[The Iron Toa]

Sorry about the delay. It's good to see you're still following this, Taka, and that you like it. I hope it's entertaining for others too. The warriors are indeed from all over the universe. Sorry if I didn't make it clear enough. Brenkonin's soldiers made up only a small fraction of the army.

Edited by The Iron Toa, Nov 16 2012 - 09:09 PM.