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~Warm

By: Marcel

At this moment, I’m wrapped up in some blankets with my head slightly leaned upward. I’m fighting the urge to go into this coughing fit once more. I have a cool cloth on my head, but my temperature is still much too high I’m sure. My head hurts, but I’m trying to ignore that while I watch some old sitcom marathon on TV.My sprawled and long hair, well, a little past my shoulders and curly, has been placed up over the couch, so that my neck will cool down. Despite the heated and flushed feeling I have, my hands are very cold.I left the office a good four hours ago, much earlier than usual. As I’m sure you realize, I’m sick.Not in the life and death kind of sick, but sick none the less. It struck me like lightning. I was feeling fine this morning. Really good when I woke up, got out of bed, left my snoring husband there and made myself some breakfast. I had gotten up early, I had felt fresh and was even considering going out for a walk.Unfortunately by the time I ate breakfast and my spouse woke up, time kind of got ahead of me. To the store, get gas, wash our clothes, see him off to work and then get ready myself.It’s my daily routine and I get that that’s the marriage life. But still, it’s a Saturday. Aren’t we supposed to do something fun on days like these? Build those lasting memories the really old people talk about that took place back when they were young people?He and I get off around the same time on Saturdays, and we are young people. So why is it, that almost like every weekend, something gets in the way? Family visits, house troubles, car payments, working an extra shift and now sickness.The remote is in my left hand and without glancing at the button I turn the channel to the weather, tired of sitcoms. I fail to see the humor right now.Like I said, I became sick instantly. I don’t know how it happened. I was fine this morning, answering some calls and typing away some insurance information into the computer – which by the way, I’m one of the greatest employees there and I can type faster than anyone I know – when I suddenly was hit with a sharp ache in my head. I thought it’d go away and pass soon.I ended up requesting the rest of the day off. Fortunately I don’t take many sick days.My throat is killing me, like it's on fire. I know the pool of sweat that’s building up on the couch is making me smell fantastic. To top it all off this terrible headache hasn’t gone away yet and it’s been hours. I’ve been waiting for the aspirin to kick in.Sighing, I have to wonder how long this is going to be a trouble for me.I hear the front door unlock. In my quiet, dark room my eyes have grown adjusted to the darkness. But now with him hom-A light from the kitchen turns on and I wince as the pain in my head increases.“Hey,” he says quietly, walking into our small living room.“Hey,” I reply without turning to look at him.“Feeling any better?”“No. I’ve just been sitting here. Got a headache and a sore throat.” I turn down the TV, but I don’t mute it.“Did you take some Advil? That works fast.”“Yeah. It’s still killing me.”“Alright,” he says nonchalantly and removes his light jacket. It’s stiff looking and I can see from his shaky hands that it’s freezing outside. He walks back into the kitchen.It’s been a few months since we’ve gone out and that we did something together, really together where we could go out for lunch, or take a stroll down at the park, like we used to. But I just don’t get what’s been going on. Boredom maybe or just we’ve run out of things to do. Maybe we have too much time together or not enough time. Sometimes I long to be with him, but other times, like now, I wish he’d just go away.Especially now. He’s moving pots and pans in the kitchen. Every clang and clink sends a ricocheting bullet to the brain. I place my hand to my head and squint.“Dear!” I shout a little too loudly for our small apartment. A pause of the noise, and I pause myself. Calm voice first. “What are you doing in there? If it’s the dishes I’ll do them tomorrow, alright?”“Is there anything to eat in the fridge?” he replies, which somehow completely dodges my silent plea for silence. He doesn’t eat at work, so it’s understandable he’s hungry when he gets home.“Ah, no I don’t think there’s much in there to eat.” Because I couldn’t cook anything, I’m sick.“Hmm.”And that’s all I get from him. Thankfully it goes quiet in the kitchen and though the light is still on in there, I’ve gotten used to it.It’s only a few minutes later that I hear the sizzling of something being cooked, though I can’t smell anything like bacon or ham. My head is pounding once more, and I close my eyes trying to ignoring the Weather Announcement, something about a forty percent chance of snow tomorrow.It’s not like I don’t love him. I love him. More than I feel like I do sometimes, I’ll admit. But I think that’s kinda the humor of it all. The thing about the ups and downs of being with someone for the rest of your life is that there are downs. And for today - and all of last week I’m just going to add because I feel horrible right now - it’s been downs.I notice the digital clock on our DVR Player, and it says nine. I realize he was late coming home.It’s about a few more minutes before he comes back into the living room. I’m not sure what he wants, but if it’s to watch TV, I swear I’m getting up and heading to bed. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I decided to stay up.And oddly I think it was for him, subconsciously waiting for him to get home. I almost laugh aloud at the thought. I’m too good to him sometimes.It’s only when I feel a pressure on the armrest of the couch that I turn to see what he’s doing.Knees on the carpet, the man is leaning over the armrest, holding out a coffee cup in his hands.He was boiling water, I realize. I don’t say anything, but I look in the cup to find a murky and light brown liquid steaming inside. Casually he moves it closer to me, prompting me to take it. I lift my head to look up at him as the damp hand towel falls off and on to the blankets. He’s staring at me with those big eyes of his, a small smile on his face that has a simple “here, please take this” look to it.Wrapping my cool fingers around the cup, I strangely, like I’ve only now just met him and not lived with him for the past six years, feel shy and avoid his stare. I know he continues to watch me.The cup feels warm in my cold hands.I take a sip, and taste the hint of lemon and honey in this green tea. I’m sure we didn’t have any lemon in the fridge, and I know we have no honey. He must have picked some up on the way home. It tastes good and it’s the way I like it; the best way he can make it.I turn to look at him now, and I have a small smile on my face too. Yes. I am very grateful.He’s still leaned forward, eyes shifting from the cup to my face, trying to see if it helped me at all, and I love how he doesn’t know it has, in its own way.I lean forward myself, moving out from the blankets and slowly place my lips to his forehead. We remain like that, still for a moment.“Thanks,” I tell him in a softer voice.His eyes are closed, but he doesn’t simply stay there for long and slowly rises, reopening them. Now I kind of wish he would stay.“Yeah, of course,” he replies, with that edge of concern that I can hear in his voice. It was there before, maybe I wasn’t listening. “If you need anything, let me know. I’ll be right back.”It's not too eventful, nor too important. But I'll remember this moment. It's a memory I think I want to keep.Simply, I nod and he walks back into the kitchen, not too far way. I take another sip of my hot tea before slipping deeper into the couch and blankets, suddenly a little tired and feeling a little better.____Alright don't ask me why I decided to write this. It's a one shot, and yeah it's spring time. I'm feeling a little lovey.In all seriousness I've never written a "love story" before, if that's what this is even called. The story for me, is about trusting in someone even when they become a little too familiar to you; that they are still your friend. I also listened to Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are a few times.And while I feel like a more romantic relationship isn't fit for Bionicle, I've wondered how I'd do toward a personal in real life story where personal relationships are much more meaningful and necessary. So yeah. lol Anyway, if you've gotten this far, why not leave a comment? Much appreciated. ^^

Edited by Quote (Mr. Traveler)
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Although being one-shot, I didn't necessarily think this was corny. It was an enjoyable read - those are the tender moments in life that people take for granted. They don't seem all that special, but they really are.This was rather interesting, the descriptions were well done (as always), and I quite enjoyed the thought process of the wife. I hardly thought this was corny, honestly - perhaps sweet would be the word to use. Sweet as in adorable, sort of, or simply special. ^^Although not a long review, basically what I'm saying is that I liked it quite a bit. I admit, it is an unusually concept (not many COT stories like these, which was probably what made it interesting), but it was sweet. Great job as always, Grant. :)

On the day the wall came down / They threw the locks onto the ground

And with glasses high / We raised a cry / For freedom had arrived

 

On the day the wall came down / The ship of fools had finally run aground

Promises lit up the night / Like paper doves in flight

 

I dreamed you had left my side / No warmth, not even pride remained

And even though you needed me / It was clear that I could not do a thing for you

 

Now life devalues day by day / As friends and neighbors turn away

And there's a change that even with regret / Cannot be undone

 

Now frontiers shift like desert sands / While nations wash their bloodied hands

Of loyalty, of history / In shades of grey

 

I woke to the sound of drums / The music played, the morning sun streamed in

I turned and I looked at you / And all but the bitter residues slipped away

 

slipped away...

 

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

Official SSCC ReviewStarting off with some nitpicking:

Despite the heated and flushed feeling I have, my hands are cool, very cold.

"cool, very cold" seems slightly contradictory. Cool implies that it's not that cold, yet very cold obviously implies differently. =P

“No. I’ve just been sitting here. Got a headache and a sore throat,” I turn down the TV, but I don’t mute it.

Comma after "throat" should be a period.

ignoring the Weather Announcement, something about a forty percent chance of snow tomorrow.

Now this is where it gets iffy...Usually that'd be totally fine, but because this is first person, she wouldn't even know the "something about...tomorrow" if she was ignoring the announcement. So maybe something meaning "not paying much attention to" rather than outright ignoring. But that's not really a big deal, just seemed a little odd to me, lol.And the commentary: To start off, I really liked this. It was well-written, and an interesting look into the lives of this husband and wife. Especially the wife, of course, as it's written from her POV. I agree with Peach that it wasn't corny -- it was very realistic, first of all, and sometimes it's just nice to read an..."every-day-life" story, if you know what I mean. No action, suspense, etc., but just a look into the life of two characters, and I thought you did so well. The title fit well; I liked the reference to it by her being warm, the cold air/etc., then the warming liquid, but of course most importantly: the "warming" of her heart -- her realization that her husband is a sweet guy, or can be at least. And so she warms up to him. The only thing I would've liked is to see more of them...why do they feel that way about each other? Why is she annoyed by him/wishing he would leave? I liked how you touched upon it, especially the whole "she didn't go to bed for him" thing, as it shows she's conflicted, but still, I do have to wonder why she's conflicted in the first place; or rather, expanded upon more. Y'know, why do they not go on walks or whatever any more? Like I said, it was touched upon, but still, I'm one for characterization. =P Though I'm honestly having a hard time thinking of what else to say; as I said, I really enjoyed this story and thought it was just a nice little scene of this couple. Well done, and definitely keep writing, Grant! After reading this and the other story I reviewed I definitely look forward to reading more by you. newso1.png

"As a writer you ask yourself to dream while awake." ~ Aimee Bender

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Awww, cute.It's really good though. I like these kinds of stories. They aren't ones where you have to have a ton of action and movement. Just a little movement, let the moment carry the story because that's what the story is all about, that little moment where he kneels down and gives her a cup of tea.This may be your first attempt, but I think you did very well by playing it in this conservative manner. Nothing hot or heavy, just a lady with a cold being shown this little act of love. Good job, bro.

~~-BS01 Histories-~~
by Zox Tomana, B.A. - Blog

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Not a whole lot that I can say that hasn't already been said- I really liked this story. I liked the protagonist. I asked questions while I read it. I don't usually do that. I half expected, when you mentioned him being late, for there to be some cheating involved, partly because that's all these stories seem to be about, and partly because of the drifting you mentioned. But... no. He was just getting lemons and honey. Honestly, I don't think there is one thing you could change to make this story a better one. It commentates marriages nicely- and by that, I mean by you hardly explaining why they didn't take walks anymore, things like that. It's intelligent in the sense that most married couples probably don't know why they drift, ergo, you couldn't explain this.It's an intelligent piece, and I respect you for it.

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Official SSCC ReviewStarting off with some nitpicking:

Despite the heated and flushed feeling I have, my hands are cool, very cold.

"cool, very cold" seems slightly contradictory. Cool implies that it's not that cold, yet very cold obviously implies differently. =P

“No. I’ve just been sitting here. Got a headache and a sore throat,” I turn down the TV, but I don’t mute it.

Comma after "throat" should be a period.

ignoring the Weather Announcement, something about a forty percent chance of snow tomorrow.

Now this is where it gets iffy...Usually that'd be totally fine, but because this is first person, she wouldn't even know the "something about...tomorrow" if she was ignoring the announcement. So maybe something meaning "not paying much attention to" rather than outright ignoring. But that's not really a big deal, just seemed a little odd to me, lol.And the commentary: To start off, I really liked this. It was well-written, and an interesting look into the lives of this husband and wife. Especially the wife, of course, as it's written from her POV. I agree with Peach that it wasn't corny -- it was very realistic, first of all, and sometimes it's just nice to read an..."every-day-life" story, if you know what I mean. No action, suspense, etc., but just a look into the life of two characters, and I thought you did so well. The title fit well; I liked the reference to it by her being warm, the cold air/etc., then the warming liquid, but of course most importantly: the "warming" of her heart -- her realization that her husband is a sweet guy, or can be at least. And so she warms up to him. The only thing I would've liked is to see more of them...why do they feel that way about each other? Why is she annoyed by him/wishing he would leave? I liked how you touched upon it, especially the whole "she didn't go to bed for him" thing, as it shows she's conflicted, but still, I do have to wonder why she's conflicted in the first place; or rather, expanded upon more. Y'know, why do they not go on walks or whatever any more? Like I said, it was touched upon, but still, I'm one for characterization. =P Though I'm honestly having a hard time thinking of what else to say; as I said, I really enjoyed this story and thought it was just a nice little scene of this couple. Well done, and definitely keep writing, Grant! After reading this and the other story I reviewed I definitely look forward to reading more by you. newso1.png
Hey thanks a lot Velox. Really glad you enjoyed it, and getting reviews like yours makes writing a little more enjoyable. :biggrin: The only reasons I can honestly give for her not wanting him around, was because he was causing a racket in the kitchen and that was making her feel worse. lol But for more characterization I did try to make it vague for the reasons JC mentioned below.

Awww, cute.It's really good though. I like these kinds of stories. They aren't ones where you have to have a ton of action and movement. Just a little movement, let the moment carry the story because that's what the story is all about, that little moment where he kneels down and gives her a cup of tea.This may be your first attempt, but I think you did very well by playing it in this conservative manner. Nothing hot or heavy, just a lady with a cold being shown this little act of love. Good job, bro.

Thanks. :B Well I was hoping this wasn't going to be sappy, but yeah it is. Also I really really was avoiding anything "heavy", and I really wanted to avoid the use of the words "I love you." But I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reviewing man.

Not a whole lot that I can say that hasn't already been said- I really liked this story. I liked the protagonist. I asked questions while I read it. I don't usually do that. I half expected, when you mentioned him being late, for there to be some cheating involved, partly because that's all these stories seem to be about, and partly because of the drifting you mentioned. But... no. He was just getting lemons and honey.Honestly, I don't think there is one thing you could change to make this story a better one. It commentates marriages nicely- and by that, I mean by you hardly explaining why they didn't take walks anymore, things like that. It's intelligent in the sense that most married couples probably don't know why they drift, ergo, you couldn't explain this.It's an intelligent piece, and I respect you for it.

And you really hit what I was going for. I don't think a lot of people or friends know why exactly they split up sometimes, or stop enjoying the things they used to. So for this situation, I tried to make it as realistic as possible. They'd like to spend more time together, but life is usually in the way. So I wanted them to find a way around it, even though she wasn't feeling well. I also wanted a routine to be brought in and the fact that he didn't seem concerned about her at first, because there isn't really anything to be concerned about. She just has a cold.Also YES, I've noticed a lot of the COT stories around here are kind of darker, so I wanted to avoid that. Why not have a happy ending every once in a while? And thank you very much. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! Edited by The Great Grant in the Sky
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  • 1 month later...

Regardless of your dislike for the L-word, I'm going to say it. I love this piece. It's very poignant and well written, encapsulating the tenderness of the little things people do for the one they love. Six years is a long time and often, people feel the magic's gone in a relationship. That's why your piece is so beautiful.The way you've brought out the woman's emotions and thoughts is simply masterly, as it makes the reader nod and smile when she realises what a sweet, caring man she has. It's simple and sweet, cute without being cringeworthy (like too many love stories. >_>) and altogether something I'd definitely show to my friends. That is, if our cowsick friend wasn't so anti-love. :PPlus, it reminds me of a wonderful moment last year. You get plus points for that. :P

~KH~

 

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I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thanks for the review KH! Glad you enjoyed it and yeah I really was trying to avoid "cringeworthy" settings and expressions and dialogue. And thanks, well I tried my best to get those emotions and such the way I felt myself and other people see them, soooo can't say much more except... Thanks a lot :3 Glad I nailed it, or at least got somewhat close.

Edited by The Great Grant in the Sky
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Hoping to see more of this kind of story from you, Grant. I know you hate senti and sappy moments but you're good at them. :P

~KH~

 

wikinuibanner.jpg

 

I'll take your part

When darkness comes

And pain is all around

Like a bridge over troubled water

I will lay me down

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  • 4 months later...

Nuile here, reporting with an official SSCC charity review for you.This is sweet; this is really very sweet. It's simple, there's not much at all to it; it's a trivial scene, and that's the point, after all. I think that, like your protagonist puts it, it was just one of those moments, one of those memories you want to keep. It's hard to place just why, but it's one of those beautiful moments we sometimes take for granted and sometimes take for their true value. And you captured it wonderfully. I could feel with the character each precious moment. The emotions were plain, as they were supposed to be; the descriptions of her illness was almost enough to make me feel as bad as she did; and it was all conveyed perfectly.I'll tell the truth, the style annoyed. There were several instances of improper grammar and I'm not a fan of present tense. I love first person, but it has to be done right, which isn't necessarily easy. Just because you're writing through a character's pen doesn't excuse you from writing well. Formality has its place and in a first person narrative it can be--it isn't always, but it can be--out of place. However, I feel that this was somehow an exception. It was a simple scene with a simple style. So I'll not only let it slide, I'll commend you for setting the tone.That's about it. I don't have much to complain about because there wasn't much wrong. But there were a few grammatical mistakes that I don't think can full under the excuse of style:

It’s my daily route and I get that that’s the marriage life.
I think you meant routine. I admit, though, that I like the way route sounds in its place. It seems to suggest that our daily lives are the paths we follow, the routes we take. That said, the narrator obviously wasn't in a very poetic mood, and all in all I think this was an error.
My throat is killing me, on fire and I know the pool of sweat that’s building up on the couch is making me smell fantastic.
That was too awkward. It was way too awkward. I can't even pinpoint the way to rectify it. It just needs to be reworded.
"No. I’ve just been sitting here. Got a headache and a sore throat," I turn down the TV, but I don’t mute it.
This is one of the most annoying and one of the most common mistakes, one I know I was long guilty of. The rules of quotations are confusing, as I well know. But I digress. A quotation should only end in a comma if it is part of a greater sentence (e.g. "Yes," he said.). In this case, it should end with a period, because it is not a part of the sentence beyond the quotation markes (e.g. "No." His voice was hoarse.)Overall, very nicely done here. It was sweet with an intentional hint of bitterness; rather like her tea. I adore this kind of sappy romantic story, and I think you did it exceptionally well.

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

:smilemirunu:

Edited by My Name is Nuile

When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .



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I know I am ready to start my voyage.



A Musing Author . . . Want to read my books?

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Thanks a lot Nuile. I was going for the most realistic marriage tone I could imagine, mainly from my own parents. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for bringing out those errors. The only thing was the writing style which I'd like to ask you about if that's fine. Did you just not enjoy the present tense cause I know that's annoying sometimes, or did I do it completely wrong? =B Cause I think that was my first time writing it that way and I'd like to get it right.Either way, thank you ton. =)

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  • 2 months later...

Thanks a lot Nuile. I was going for the most realistic marriage tone I could imagine, mainly from my own parents. I'm really glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for bringing out those errors. The only thing was the writing style which I'd like to ask you about if that's fine. Did you just not enjoy the present tense cause I know that's annoying sometimes, or did I do it completely wrong? =B Cause I think that was my first time writing it that way and I'd like to get it right.Either way, thank you ton. =)

 

I'm sorry I missed this, otherwise I would have responded far sooner.Anyway, my problems with the style were two in number. The first I already explained; the informality. This story sounded as if a person were talking rather than telling a story, which I understand is what you were going for and so I can forgive that, and commend you for accomplishing it. My second objection was simply on count of present tense as what it is; you did it right, but I'm not at all a fan of that tense.

Past tense is so traditional that it's inherent in readers and writers to want to change present tense, in their minds, to past; and so present tense feels unnatural and grating, at least in my opinion. And it's absolutely preference here; I know there are those who like present tense, although they're a minority.

 

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith :smilemirunu:

When I know I can't live without a pen and paper, when I know writing is as necessary to me as breathing . . .



tumblr_meb7408mTy1r4ejnio1_1280.gif



I know I am ready to start my voyage.



A Musing Author . . . Want to read my books?

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