Edited by toatitan, Apr 15 2012 - 06:29 PM.
In The Name Of Science-Review Topic
Posted Apr 12 2012 - 06:46 PM
Posted Apr 17 2012 - 02:02 PM
Posted Feb 23 2013 - 06:26 PM
Nick Silverpen here with an ECC Charity Review:
The concept of this story is pretty interesting. The title ties in pretty well, a good basis, stating and reinforcing what you intend to write about. It sticks to the bare concept pretty rigidly, with your description and the narrator’s intentions. The structure you’ve been writing as well... It’s not traditional, and while I’ve been against that in the past, my creative writing class has taught me to look at this in a new way.
And because of that, I like it. Being untraditional leaves a reader looking at text walls, whereas you break it up here differently, and it’s cool to look at. Journal entries are good way to capture a character’s thoughts, and while they do leave out many external influences to show why characters think the way they do,
Enough about format =D. Onto your story:
Your character seems to be all about progress in basic scientific discovery. A little basic, but it helps in the fact that he’s all about what’s happening around him, and not himself, so the story is more external and progressive. What made Mata Nui so fascinating was the knowledge of the land and the Rahi that the Matoran had, and a character persuing a fleshing out of Spherus Magna seems kind of nostalgic. Vastus, it would be good to see him as more than an escort and informer. The two seem like they would make a good pair, since they are very outdoors-y, and all for not being cooped up in the society. “You give a groping in the dark” feel for Jafu, which makes the story sweet and fun to read, because he’s always finding stuff.
You describe alot about this world. You do connect it, just keep pursuing it. Write more on what you have. The descriptions of these Rahi are interesting, just make sure it is just more than a description- like in entry 3; you find an external situation to apply a description to. Keep developing these “entries” like this.
I’m looking for a snag in this story- you clearly have something more planned for this story than mere exploration, with Jafu being stuck in the cave. Keep going into that cave, develop this plot further. I want to see this snag develop, and see the story through the end.
Good job in hooking a reader!
PM me if you're a Temple Owl!
New Forum Writings: The Water Stays the Same Through the Mirror Unpopular A Cry Ignored Solid Ground Slipping Through One People Tahu's Nightmare/Dreams of Darkness
Part Element, Part Legend, Review- Newest Chapter- "Through the Storm" Posted 9/16
Archived Stories: Island of Danger Karzahni's Escape Battle of the Manas Shut Up and Drive Matoro and the Land of the Dead Matoro and the Camp of the Living Mistika Rap Across the Galaxy The Theif The Last Horcrux A Day in the Dark Misplaced in the Hamper Fall Night Lighthouse for the Lost Step of the Tides
0 user(s) are reading this topic
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users