Tahu’s Tips to Survival
--Epic Talk Show Hosted by Yours Truly (Shut up Helryx everyone knows that "Yours truly" is just a kiss-up way of saying "I'm so pretty look at me!!")--
EPISODE 1: Public Humiliation
Tahu: Alright, first of all, let me just say something. I never agreed to do this, but Helryx threatened to kill me if I didn’t. She’s obsessed with safety; she’s literally a freak. Don’t tell her I said that, though.
Helryx: Tahu, you’re on the air. I can still hear you.
Tahu: Tip #1 – Don’t EVER say something on television that you would NEVER say in front of someone. It can save you from death, literally.
Helryx: Alright Tahu, I’m going to kill you now.
Tahu: Tip #2 – When someone tells you that they’re going to kill you ahead of time, make sure you tell everyone you know that you’re about to die. Make sure you tell everyone EXACTLY how you felt about them.
Gali: Tahu, I’m sorry it had to come to this. How did you feel about me?
Tahu: You were my best friend, Gali.
Makuta: Look Tahu, you fool, I didn’t get to be the one to kill you, so just tell me now whatever I need to hear.
Tahu: I always loved how you added extra whip topping on my lattes.
Makuta: Yeah, that was pretty fond of me.
Gali: Tahu, you didn’t like MY lattes?
Tahu: I never said that… But since you asked, the answer is no. Sorry; maybe next time.
Makuta: But, you just told us Helryx was going to kill you; where’s the next time in that?
Tahu: There is none. I just needed to make Gali feel better.
Gali: How am I supposed to feel better about that?
Tahu: You’re not, but I’m on TV so I need to have a good self-image before I die a painful death this day.
Makuta: Must you continue to emphasis your death?
Skrall: Tahu! Tahu! Was I a mighty servant to thou?
Tahu: Stop talking like that it’s weird.
Tahu: Tip #3 – When someone refuses to obey you, you then commence violence. It’s the only possible way you could ever resolve any kind of dispute.
Helryx: While Tahu and Skrall literally knock the elemental power out of themselves, I’ll go bring in the guests.
Makuta: Please. The last thing people want is for the Tahu murderer to warmly welcome them into an interview about avoiding death.
Tahu: It’s not an interview. It’s a reality show.
Gali: Shouldn’t you be, like, in pain right now?
Tahu: Skrall aren’t that hard to pin.
Makuta: That’s because that one is a hologram.
Helryx: Hi! Welcome aboard, Lewa! Hi! Welcome, Black Phantom! Hello and welcome to the rest of you whose names I don’t feel like reading.
Tahu: She’s a murderer!
Helryx: I didn’t kill you yet Tahu.
Lewa: Can I watch?
Helryx: I don’t think Lewa was talking to you…
Makuta: Don’t forget who you’re talking to.
Tahu: Tip #4 – If you feel that tension is building up among others, the best thing to do is to add to it. It will build more anger, thus creating a bond between them.
Makuta: I hate you.
Helryx: I know.
Black Phantom: HAHAHAHAHAAHHHA! I WILL TAKE OVER ZE ENTIRE BIONICLE UNIVERZE HAHAAHHAHAH!!!!!!
Helryx: I’m sorry, but who are you?
Tahu: My mom?
Helryx: I do see similarities yes…
Black Phantom: YOU WILZ ALL DIE ALONG WIZ YO HEROES!!!!
Lewa: What if we don’t have any heroes?
Tahu: Tip #5 – If someone is annoying you, inflict pain. One side effect, however, is that it solves absolutely nothing. Use with caution.
Gali: How do you use pain?
Helryx: Easy. I’ll demonstrate.
Black Phantom: YEZZ!!
Helryx: 3-1. I’m demonstrating.
Makuta: But the majority said no.
Helryx: Haven’t you learned by now that I don’t play by the rules?
Tahu: I have!
Helryx: Don’t forget that I have a coupon to kill you 50% off.
Lewa: ( )
Tahu: Sorry, I forgot.
Vezon: I didn’t…
Makuta: At least I’M a responsible villain.
Tahu: I didn’t get my latte this morning…
Makuta: That’s because we all knew that you were going to die. Didn’t you read the script?
Tahu: What script?
Gali: The one that reads: “Helryx’s job: Kill Tahu.”
Tahu: Oh, sorry. I must have missed that part. What’s my job?
Lewa: “Tahu’s job: Let Helryx beat the sugared donuts and warm milk out of you.”
Makuta: I hope my job is as exciting as Tahu’s…
Helryx: Even better. “Makuta’s job: Let Helryx boss you around because she is a boss and you are just a mere specimen that belongs to Helryx.”
Lewa: Who wrote this script exactly?
Gali: I don’t know. But whoever it was is obviously half-retarded.
Helryx: How is it so obvious?
Gali: I don’t know... I must not have thought about that.
Tahu: Tip #6 – If you’re not happy with the position you got, you beat the sugared donuts and warm milk out of whoever assigned it to you until you get your way. It works EVERY time.
Helryx: I think you’re over-using the phrase “beat the sugared donuts and warm milk”.
Tahu: Warm milk is fun to beat though.
Makuta: Well have you ever beat it?
Tahu: Nah, I’m too slow. I did catch up with it on the 3-legged race, however.
Helryx: Well just so we’re clear…
Tahu: Go die.
Helryx: That reminds me…
Makuta: Well folks, that just about wraps up this episode. Be sure to submit your very own tips and Tahu may consider them for the next episode!
Lewa: I thought Tahu was dying today…?
Black Phantom: HAHHAAHAHAHHAAHAA
Vezon: That sentence was grammatically incorrect.
Black Phantom: Fool.
Makuta: At least turn off the camera before you start commotion.
Tahu: Tip #7 – When you’re being chased by your murderer, always run through buildings. That way, at least you can cause chaos well enough to be on the news.
Makuta: Turn off the camera!
Lewa: No! Throw it out the window!
Makuta: We’re not even in a building WITH windows…
Lewa: My point exactly…
Makuta: I don’t get it.
Lewa: You’re stalling.
Vezon: Can someone just kill someone already?!
Makuta: Bye folks. This is Tahu’s Tips of Survival, based heavily around his upcoming death by Helryx. Now, excuse us. We have to go tame Helryx.
Edited by Tech Warrior, Apr 15 2012 - 10:17 PM.