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[Excelsior]

For some time, the Toa Ekara of Iron had been standing in the center of the village square, slowly turning from side to side. Passing Matoran glanced at him, but moved on. Toa Tiro on watch was a common site on Mount Kohanga.

Now, deactivating his Mask of Vision, he turned to his teammate. "Nothing, Poro. I checked everything within a kio radius, including the sky and the tunnels in the mountain. All I saw was a Matoran trade caravan that seems to be on the way here." He paused. "Anything to fear from them, do you think?"

The Stone Toa looked uncertain. "I'm... not sure. Where's Matakite?"

"Right here," came a voice behind them. They turned. A tall, ebony-clad Toa of Earth had just come out of the ground. "Something wrong?"

"I had one of my visions," Poro told him. "I only remember glimpses, but it was bad." He shivered.

Matakite looked grave. Poro's teammates had learned, years ago, to listen to his Mask of Clairvoyance. "And what did you say at the time?" he asked. "Tiro, were you there?"

Tiro shook his head. "He told me afterward so I could scan," he replied. "He was alone when it happened." He activated his mask again. "But I sent a messenger to Mahara - I thought she could help. She's coming now."

In a few moments, Mahara, Toa Ekara of Lightning, came into the others' view. She hurried to join the rest of her team.

"I got your note, Tiro," she said. "Did you find anything?"

"Only a Matoran trade caravan," he said again. "Matakite wants to know what Poro said in the trance."

She nodded. "Where were you?" she asked Poro.

"On the wall - alone, unfortunately," he replied. He held out a small, half-formed sculpture. "But I was working on this at the time."

She nodded again, and took it, activating her Mask of Psychometry.

She stood there, searching, straining for that one point in the stone's past.

After several moments, she looked up at her brothers.

"I found it," she said. "'Mercenaries, slaves - darkness...'that was the first thing he said. After 'darkness,' he started shaking, violently." She paused in remembrance. "Then he said 'Darkness... evil... and hidden in...' - he stopped again there - 'in that we have sworn to protect.'"

"'In that we have sworn to protect'?" Matakite repeated. The words had chilled him. "Is this darkness ... is it in the village? Or-"

"Matoran!" Poro exclaimed. The others looked at him. "I still don't remember, no. But think about it - what else could it be but Matoran?"

There was a slight pause.

"Perhaps," Matakite said, "you should take a closer look at that caravan, Tiro."

The Iron Toa was already examining it. "Quite a few guards, all well armed," he reported. "But this is a dangerous area... Six wagons, large, pulled by Ussals... Cargo..." his voice changed slightly. "I think we have a problem."

"What is it?" Matakite demanded.

"The cargo seems to be composed mainly of weapons. And some machines I can't really identify." He paused. "I'd call that evidence enough."

"Perhaps," Matakite replied. "But we have sworn to protect them, and we can't attack - especially on suspicion. Whoever organized this... infiltration may have counted on that."

"But attack is not our only option."

He nodded at his brothers and sister. "I'm going outside. Keep an eye on me, Tiro. You'll know what to do."

A week later, a party of utterly demoralized Matoran raiders found their way out of the mountainous maze they had been trapped in. A maze made of equal parts solid walls - constructed by the Toa of Earth, Iron and Stone - and haunting visions - courtesy of Matakite's Mask of Illusions.

Thanks to the combined visions of the Toa Ekara, the Barraki's plans of conquest had received a slight check.
___

My entry for the first theme of the Flash Fiction Marathon, slightly edited. There were a few things I had no time to fix when I entered, and I've put back some stuff I'd cropped out for space considerations.

It's also my first story on BZP, and my first completed Bionicle fanfic. (I started a story for the last SSC, but was to lazy to take it anywhere.)

My names were all taken directly from Maori, except for Poro and Tiro. Those were shortenings of "poropiti" and "tirohanga" respectively. Maybe they're nicknames or something.

Thanks for reading!

-Excelsior

Edited by Excelsior, Jul 20 2012 - 09:43 PM.

[fishers64]

This story struck me as very inventive - especially the machines hidden in the Matoran trade caravan and the Toa's method of defeating them. I also liked how you allowed each of the other Toa to have a spotlight and use of their mask - you didn't just focus on the Mask of Clairvoyance, but moved around to the other Toa.

The one thing that bothered me just a little bit was the amount of time the Toa spent talking and waiting for the other Toa to arrive. While it was nice to draw attention to Tiro's use of his mask, I felt that his "seeing" of the Matoran caravan was probably enough exposure for him. I would have also have liked more attention drawn to the method the Toa used to trap the Matoran and their reaction, although I assume space constraints are to blame. Less talk, more action.

Still, good job here - nice take on the theme.

[Excelsior]

This story struck me as very inventive - especially the machines hidden in the Matoran trade caravan and the Toa's method of defeating them. I also liked how you allowed each of the other Toa to have a spotlight and use of their mask - you didn't just focus on the Mask of Clairvoyance, but moved around to the other Toa.

First, thanks a lot for the review!

Yeah, I was thinking about the different masks that could qualify as "Masks of Vision." I didn't know whether to do a story about an Akaku, or a Mask of Clairvoyance, or a Mask of Psychometry... so I decided to do one about all of them! So then I assembled a whole team of vision-related Toa.

The one thing that bothered me just a little bit was the amount of time the Toa spent talking and waiting for the other Toa to arrive. While it was nice to draw attention to Tiro's use of his mask, I felt that his "seeing" of the Matoran caravan was probably enough exposure for him.

Interesting. At the time, I saw the conversation I wrote as either necessary to the plot or just sounding natural - what a group of Toa would have been saying in that situation. And I guess Tiro did do more of the talking, beyond his mask use, if that's what you mean - as he was the first to appear, I think I subconsciously thought of him as a more "main" character than the others.

Looking back, I see trimming it, and only keeping any one character in view for as long as they're using their "vision," would make it thematically stronger. I was making it up as I went along, which probably explains it. If I was going to redo it, with the emphasis still on the Vision theme, I would start from a plot summary, and then probably flesh it out as little as possible.

Something like this: Toa team saves mountain village with vision powers. Toa #1 warns of it with Clarvoyance, Toa #2 finds it with Akaku, Toa #3 identifies it with Psychometry, Toa #4 fights it off with Mahiki. All four kinds of vision were necessary to save the day.

That - specifically the last sentence - was what I was trying to do, anyway, although I'm not sure I'm entirely happy with the Mahiki part.

I would have also have liked more attention drawn to the method the Toa used to trap the Matoran and their reaction, although I assume space constraints are to blame. Less talk, more action.

Like I said above, I'm not actually sure how good the ending was. It was a pretty last-minute solution. I'd gotten them into the situation, and then I had to get them out of it - and in a vision-related way!

So I decided that I'd go with "scared them off with Illusions," and tried to make it make sense. That's why I threw in elemental walls, though I don't know now if they were necessary. But due to space (as you say), and time, constrictions, I had to make it work in a couple sentences. Otherwise, it might have been better to have another short scene, describing the illusions and so on from the raiders' point of view.

Of course, I could have elaborated when I posted it here, since the constraints of the contest were removed, but I didn't see any of these things then. I might not have anyway - I'm almost certainly not now, even though I see it might be improved by a re-write. I think most stories get to a point where you just aren't interested enough to re-work them. (Especially if you wrote it in two days, specifically to enter a contest.)

Probably won't come to anything, since I seem to need a spur of some sort to write, but I am wondering if there's any more story material in the Ekara... I would give them at least a cameo, if I wrote more fanfics with non-canon characters.

Still, good job here - nice take on the theme.

Thank you.

In fact, thanks for the whole thing - the criticisms, the compliments, and for taking the trouble of reviewing in the first place!

-Excelsior

[Aderia]

So guess what. I liked this story =) As fishers mentioned above, it was definitely inventive, which I enjoyed. Particularly, the use of the Mask of Psychometry, since we haven't gotten to see a lot of that in the Canon storyline, and I think it's one of the more interesting mask powers.

No nitpicks, props to you for that.

Another thing I really liked:

My names were all taken directly from Maori, except for Poro and Tiro. Those were shortenings of "poropiti" and "tirohanga" respectively. Maybe they're nicknames or something.

I love making names from other languages! It's my favoriteeee!! Do you have the translation for those words? I mean, I could just go consult Google, but I'm trapped in this bubble of laziness so.... yeah XP

Thanks to the combined visions of the Toa Ekara, the Barraki's plans of conquest had received a slight check.

The last line in the story, Ireally liked, it wrapped the entire thing up with a sense of unity. Like, it gave the Toa team unity, but also it tied in/reiterated the theme and also gave us the time period in which the story was set. (League of Six Kingdoms = Win!)

And anyways, for your first Bionicle fanfic, I'm impressed. If I had to pick anything to complain about, it would be the length, but since it was for the Flash Fiction Marathon, I can't. The idea of a maze from stone iron and earth, etc etc is great, and again, too bad you were limited by the flash fiction word count.

TheToa Ekara, it seems like you put a lot of thought behind them, I'd really like to see more of them around the Library!

Keep up the awesome work, I want to read more from you.

Edited by Aderia, Jul 18 2012 - 10:45 AM.

[Excelsior]

Thanks, Aderia! And sorry I didn't answer before.

As a matter of fact, I think my Psychometry use was probably influenced by Toa of Iron's epic, The End of Yrenta, in which one of the Toa has that mask. That epic is certainly where I've seen the most use of it, although I believe I gave my Toa more control over it than he did his.

About the names - I know! Completely made-up names are never as good as the ones with a linguistic background. That's why the Bionicle names from the first years sound cooler (and, incidentally, are spelled more simply), than the later ones. (Tahu? Kopaka? Lewa? All cool.) It's also why all J. R. R. Tolkien's names sound so good - but most of us aren't equipped to invent our own language, so taking words from an already-existing one is the next best thing. (Assuming the original owners don't sue you, of course.)

I just found the translations again. (I use this site, by the way: it seems pretty good, if you ever need one.)

Ekara means 'eagle,' which was inspired by their vision powers. I searched 'sight' or something like that on the translator, actually, and that was one of the results. I said, "Hey, that sounds cool! I think I'll use that," and thus the Eagle Toa were born. (It sounds cool in both languages!)

Tohanga was inspired by Ekara, I believe. It means "nest."

Matakite is defined as:
(verb) (-a) to see into the future, prophesy, prophesies, foresee, foretell.
(adjective) prophetic, visionary, predictive, prophetical.
(noun) prophecy, prophet, seer, clairvoyant, special intuition.

Not actually especially appropriate for that character, but it sounded like a good name for a team leader type, so I just went with it.

Tirohanga is:
(noun) view, sight, aspect.

Poropiti is:
(loan) (verb) (-tia) to prophesy, foretell, predict.
(loan) (adjective) prophetic.
(loan) (noun) prophet, prophecy, prediction.

Mahara is:
(verb) (-tia) to remember, recollect, bear in mind, know.
(noun) recollection, thought, memory.

After writing this story, I am always using Maori for Bionicle names. Always.

As a matter of fact, I wasn't sure about the setting until I reached that line. In the beginning, it was some sort of Makuta-related invasion. I think I decided against that because it was too complicated, and complication = word count.

Yeah, if I'm writing a themed story, I like to use the keyword as often as possible, especially to wrap it up.

Thanks! I do see it could be expanded. Maybe sometime I'll do it.

When I wrote it, I was thinking about maybe doing more with them. The problem is, their mask-powers are all so information-based, it seems like it could limit the plot possibilities. Perhaps team them up with a couple more Toa with more battle-oriented powers?

Thanks a lot. Everything I've written so far is linked in my sig now (except my other Flash Fiction entries, which maybe I should dig up). As you may notice, I've only written for contests so far. I seem to need competition to get myself writing. Of course, that could change. I do have a couple of Bionicle story ideas...

Maybe when the LSO are over? I hope so.

-Excelsior

Edited by Excelsior, Jul 20 2012 - 09:42 PM.