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[The Renegade Emperor]

MILCOM Transcript N.293-7-840

Transcripts of Military Communications
of day 7, March 61 F.T.G.R., serial
number CKS-7561-A10-X-367432309

Classified as: HIGHCOM - Secrecy Priority 1
Read and approved by: High Council of New Atero
On day 26, June 70 F.T.G.R.


-- Start of transcripts --



“Kilo five-one and Kilo five-two, please respond. I repeat, respond.”
“Echo-Bravo-five, watch out!”

*explosion*

“INCOMING!”

*another explosion*

“Kilo five-one, Kilo five-two! Where’s you? We need ya here immediately!”
“Echo one, Kilo five-one and five-two here. What’s up?”
“ANOTHER ‘NADE! SCATTER!”

*big explosion*

“You’re asking me what’s up, while we’re getting kicked by those foolish demons right on the bottom of our backs, to say the least!”
“Calm down, Echo one, and report.”
“Okay. We need an EVAC now. Echo-Charlie squad is gone, and half of Echo-Bravo has followed ‘em.”
“Roger that. Clear the landing zone and we’ll get ya back to home.”
“SUPPRESSING FIRE!”
“I can’t clear a landin’ zone for you, guys. We’re outnumbered. What the- “

*huge explosion*

“Echo one! You okay? Echo one, report!”
“Aww. Okay. Still here. Go on.”
“FRAG OUT!”

*distant explosion*
*screams*

“You’ll have EVAC and support. Don’t give up.”
“Never done it. By the way, what type of support?”
“We’ve got Team Commando on board. Is that enough?”
“Glad to hear this. We’re waiting for you.”
“Copy that. On our way.”
“Full powered engines, Captain. We need to save those poor soldiers. Commander, you ready?”
“Affirmative.”
“How will you get on the battlefield?”
“Just one moment. Echo one, do you hear me? I’m Commando one.”
“Affirmative, sir.”
“How many enemies are there?”
“More than one and a half hundred.”
“Thanks. Closing communications. Okay, kids, listen up: we’ve got more than one and a half hundred tangos. We’ll get to the ground by parachute. Throw your incendiary grenades while falling. Detach parachutes when you’ve reached safe distance. Got it?”
“SIR, YES, SIR!”
“Good. How long for the drop time, pilot?”
“One minute, sir.”
“Okay. C’mon kids, prepare to drop!”
“I can’t find my parachute, sir!”
“Look above your head, moron.”
“Oh. Whoops. Eh, forgot about that…”
“Like always, Commando five.”

*bombs start exploding near the vehicle*

“We’re above the battlefield, Commander! You better start dropping!”
“Solid copy. Let’s rock them! Five, you go first.”
“Why me?”
“Oh, I forgot why…”
“You’re no fun, boss.”
“Shut up. Get ready. Three…”
“Two…”
“One…”
“HOO-RAH, FIVE!”

*whirling air*
*a parachute opens*

“I’m flying, sir.”
“Good. Two, Three, Four. Drop together.”
“Give us the mark, sir!”
“Whenever you want!”
“HOO-RAH, SIR!”
“Cya later, kids. Okay, pilot. I’m goin’. Stay above the safe distance. Better not see another Spirit downed.”
“Definitely better, sir.”
“Have a good morning, Kilo five-one and five-two.”

*drops*
*opens parachute*

“Okay, Commando. Maneuver your parachutes to let everyone to be at the same distance from the ground.”
“Copy that, Commander. That sounds odd, doesn’t it?”
“What, Five?”
“Well, if you think about it, sir, you should be Commando Commander.”
“Permission to proceed, sir?”
“Go, Three.”
“Yay! Three, two, one… FACEPALM!”
“Hey, would you kindly stop this meme?”
“I forgot to, Five.”
“Oh, I’m shutting up.”
“Yo, kids, stop the jokes and ready your guns. I’ve got tangos in my sight.”
“Kilo five-one and Kilo five-two, where’s Commando?”
“Look over your head, Echo one.”
“What…? Oh. I see ya. Bring the rain, brothers.”
“Sure. Start shooting, kids.”
“HOO-RAH!”

*rifles fire*
*grenades explode*

“Teach ‘em who’s boss!”
“Commando One, you’re approaching objective. You better start detaching your parachute.”
“Got it, AI. Team Commando, detach your parachutes!”

*bodies land onto the battlefield*

“Okay, soldiers, we’re here.”
“I see. Glad you came.”
“We’re in the Army for this, Echo one.”
“WOO-HOO! EAT THIS! HAHAHAHA!”

*HMG firing*

“Is he alright, Commander?”
“Yeah. He may not be good at jokes, but Five’s a good soldier. Perhaps a little bit too enthusiastic…”
“Hmmm, it really looks like so.”
“HAHAHAHA! TASTE IRON!”

*HMG and Assault Rifles firing*
*a few grenades explode*

“Commander, they’re fleeing.”
“Copy that, Three. Keep firin’.”
“C’MON! I’VE GOT ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE!”
“Stop firing, Team Commando. They’re gone.”
“Now that I was starting enjoying it…”
“There’ll be another time, Five. Kilo five-one, Kilo five-two. Do you hear me?”
“We read you. What’s up?”
“EVAC ready.”
“On our way.”
“Team Commando, keep the area safe!”
“Sir, yes, sir.”

*few minutes of silence*
*two Spirits approach the landing zone*

“Okay, jump in, everyone.”
“They’re coming back, Commander. Permission to fire?”
“Affirmative.”
“Present for you, dirty faces.”

*Spirit’s ( maybe Kilo five-one ) HMG firing*

“Everyone’s onboard, let’s go!”
“Solid copy!”
“Okay, Echo one. Now we’re safe, so, report. Two, take notes.”
“Three soldiers WIA, fifteen KIA. They attacked us while we attempted to reach the bunker. We’ve never reached it, as you should have seen.”
“Okay, we’re taking you to a safe place. We all need to take a rest.”





-- End of transcripts --



Written by: Oracle ( New Atero’s AI)
On day 25, June 70 F.T.G.R

























*Folder N. 293, Section “Operation: COUNTERATTACK”, Shelf “War of the Hidden City”*

Edited by Emile A239, Jul 29 2012 - 09:47 AM.

[Replicant]

While this is a very interesting short story, there's a few flaws that prevent it from being as amazing as it could.

First off; It seems like a movie script, not a short story. In a movie, you could see who was saying what, and there would be no confusion. With a movie script-style of writing, you can only guess who's saying what.

Secondly; The action. Just saying *HMG and Assualt Rifles firing* isn't very fascinating. This still has a lot to do with the movie-script style of writing. For example:

Current Style: *HMG and Assualt Rifles firing*

Normal Story writing style: The soliders lifted the weapons, briefly returning fire before seeking cover. Return fire sent bullets screaming through the air.

While all this error-hunting may make it seem like I dislike the story, that is not the case. It's very interesting, but I found it hard to read it.

[The Renegade Emperor]

While this is a very interesting short story, there's a few flaws that prevent it from being as amazing as it could.

First off; It seems like a movie script, not a short story. In a movie, you could see who was saying what, and there would be no confusion. With a movie script-style of writing, you can only guess who's saying what.

Secondly; The action. Just saying *HMG and Assualt Rifles firing* isn't very fascinating. This still has a lot to do with the movie-script style of writing. For example:

Current Style: *HMG and Assualt Rifles firing*

Normal Story writing style: The soliders lifted the weapons, briefly returning fire before seeking cover. Return fire sent bullets screaming through the air.

While all this error-hunting may make it seem like I dislike the story, that is not the case. It's very interesting, but I found it hard to read it.

I'm glad that you liked and reviewed this so early. Now, to explain something:

1) the confusion you mention is something I wanted to represent, like a battlefield scene of loss and desperation, where no one knows where to go nor what to do. And, then, it's a Military Communications' transcript, which means radio communications written on something solid.

2) in consequence of that, I couldn't write something like the one you "translated" into regular short story writing style. Though I wanted to insert some phrases like that, maybe represented like a report from Commando One, I preferred to create something that could look like an official document. ( btw, I find odd that you didn't even ask about F.T.G.R. or else )

Again, I'm glad you gave this a review so prontly and that you liked this, but I'd invite you to read it again with more attention, 'cause I feel like you missed somethin', but, as you told me by PM, you were a little bit busy.

Whatever. Thanks for feedback and expect another SS of the pre-Counterattack series during these months, school's ending here too...

[Cederak]

Hello, Emile A239, here is your official SSCC review. I don't think I've ever encountered a short story here written in script form. And with only a few errors of note.

Perhaps a little bit too enthusiast…”

enthusiastic

“Cya later, kids.

“See you later, kids.

*few grenades explode*

*a few grenades explode*


I read through this story four times and skimmed it a fifth time, because I wanted to feel the action as you intended it. This may actually be one of the least enjoyable short stories I've ever encountered. Not in the whole library, per se, as I'm sure there are plenty of bombs that get posted that I never have time to read, but just in my experience on BZP. So let's run through the faults I encountered and I'll work on the fixing parts later.

First off, why is a Bionicle-based story using Earth months? Or a human word like "kids" that has no place (or definition, really) in a place like Spherus Magna? At least, I assume that's the planet this all takes place on. If not for the mention of "New Atero" in the opening, I would've assumed this was some kind of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare story (with more explosions than a Michael Bay film) that belongs in COT. Actually, because your mention of New Atero is so casual, I had a hard time reminding myself not to picture these were humans in combat, despite how that image kept coming up.

And then there's everything the script fails to explain. Like, who or what are these soldiers fighting? Are the soldiers even Glatorian and/or Agori? What are Spirits and what do they look like? I'm not concerned with the answers to those questions now. I would've liked them to be in your story, not in the inevitable reply this critique is sure to get. As a rule, if you think you'll have to explain something later, just describe it in the story. As a writer, you're only as confined as you think you are.

It's hard to get a sense of your characters in this script. Mostly because they all feel like clichés in a war movie or, as I mentioned prior, a war video game. Either way, I think you wanted them to be more believable than they are. You want me to believe they are the task force for the job, but here's the problem: I believe that you believe you. And that's not enough. They have the military jargon, and some of the classic attitudes (the fearless leader, the trigger happy grunt, the detail-oriented joker, etc.), but just because you can talk the talk, doesn't mean you can walk the walk. And these guys need to learn to crawl first.

A writer is an entertainer of sorts, for several minutes or several days depending on how long it takes to read through the material, it is the job of a writer to connect with the audience. On one hand, we can debate the sanctity of creative freedom and why an artist should stay true to their work, never compromising for what others want, but there's a line. I feel that being adamant about your work is earned, not granted. From the entertainment perspective, you need to develop enough of an audience to be able to earn a style that works. Since you seem to merely be experimenting here, I don't want to outright deter you from doing another script, but at the same time, that's precisely what I want. Again, I'll come back to this.

In my personal list of do's and don'ts as a writer, all caps in words is something I retired a while back. It has been said a good writer doesn't need italics. I'm not there yet, but I've moved beyond all caps words. With the right description, with the right detail, your words will speak for themselves as strongly in lowercase as they would all capitalized. Mainly because caps lock in writing like this just comes off as very, very unprofessional.

So now we get to the fixing part I promised you. I've seen some of your earlier work and for the sake of this critique, let's compare that work to an egg and we'll call this story an egg sandwich. There was a lack of depth in terms of character, detail, and plot there, so it's as if you haven't quite gotten the hang of cooking an egg and now you're trying to jump straight into making an egg sandwich. You still need to know how to make an egg, but now there's a great deal more to be done so that your work is…proficient, shall we say?

I guess what I've been building up to is how you need to slow down, really step back and look at your work and make sure the flow matches how you're imagining it. I saw your previous work, I saw potential there, but I think this script idea is you biting off more than you can chew right now. That's not to say I don’t commend a little experimenting with writing, but you have to be willing to own up and say, "this isn't my best work" when you know it's true. Don't think I haven't been there before, I have. A lot. This writing thing, it's a game of practice makes better, not perfect. Writing isn't about perfect, it's about creating a style that allows you and your audience to synchronize with one another so both sides experience the same thing. So if nothing else, I hope you've gained experience from this, from me, and from yourself. Pace yourself, and keep at it.

-Ced

[fishers64]

I agree with Cederak above me; the script style was a bit disorienting and kept me from imagining it as a Bionicle story. I however, appreciated the slight touch of humor you put in here:

“I can’t find my parachute, sir!”
“Look above your head, moron.”
“Oh. Whoops. Eh, forgot about that…”
“Like always, Commando five.”

But that's very human style. I think this story, if you were going military transcript and all, is probably better for that anyway (I don't know of any formal Bionicle military)- just go with the flow and give it the human characters it needs. Any Bionicle military or intergalactic travel needs a bit more backstory than you have included here. I wouldn't drop the script/military transcript style entirely, if that's what you want, but understand that it works better for humans than Matoran. Keep that in mind and you should be good.

[The Renegade Emperor]

Hello, Emile A239, here is your official SSCC review. I don't think I've ever encountered a short story here written in script form. And with only a few errors of note.

Perhaps a little bit too enthusiast…”

enthusiastic

“Cya later, kids.

“See you later, kids.

*few grenades explode*

*a few grenades explode*


I read through this story four times and skimmed it a fifth time, because I wanted to feel the action as you intended it. This may actually be one of the least enjoyable short stories I've ever encountered. Not in the whole library, per se, as I'm sure there are plenty of bombs that get posted that I never have time to read, but just in my experience on BZP. So let's run through the faults I encountered and I'll work on the fixing parts later.

First off, why is a Bionicle-based story using Earth months? Or a human word like "kids" that has no place (or definition, really) in a place like Spherus Magna? At least, I assume that's the planet this all takes place on. If not for the mention of "New Atero" in the opening, I would've assumed this was some kind of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare story (with more explosions than a Michael Bay film) that belongs in COT. Actually, because your mention of New Atero is so casual, I had a hard time reminding myself not to picture these were humans in combat, despite how that image kept coming up.

And then there's everything the script fails to explain. Like, who or what are these soldiers fighting? Are the soldiers even Glatorian and/or Agori? What are Spirits and what do they look like? I'm not concerned with the answers to those questions now. I would've liked them to be in your story, not in the inevitable reply this critique is sure to get. As a rule, if you think you'll have to explain something later, just describe it in the story. As a writer, you're only as confined as you think you are.

It's hard to get a sense of your characters in this script. Mostly because they all feel like clichés in a war movie or, as I mentioned prior, a war video game. Either way, I think you wanted them to be more believable than they are. You want me to believe they are the task force for the job, but here's the problem: I believe that you believe you. And that's not enough. They have the military jargon, and some of the classic attitudes (the fearless leader, the trigger happy grunt, the detail-oriented joker, etc.), but just because you can talk the talk, doesn't mean you can walk the walk. And these guys need to learn to crawl first.

A writer is an entertainer of sorts, for several minutes or several days depending on how long it takes to read through the material, it is the job of a writer to connect with the audience. On one hand, we can debate the sanctity of creative freedom and why an artist should stay true to their work, never compromising for what others want, but there's a line. I feel that being adamant about your work is earned, not granted. From the entertainment perspective, you need to develop enough of an audience to be able to earn a style that works. Since you seem to merely be experimenting here, I don't want to outright deter you from doing another script, but at the same time, that's precisely what I want. Again, I'll come back to this.

In my personal list of do's and don'ts as a writer, all caps in words is something I retired a while back. It has been said a good writer doesn't need italics. I'm not there yet, but I've moved beyond all caps words. With the right description, with the right detail, your words will speak for themselves as strongly in lowercase as they would all capitalized. Mainly because caps lock in writing like this just comes off as very, very unprofessional.

So now we get to the fixing part I promised you. I've seen some of your earlier work and for the sake of this critique, let's compare that work to an egg and we'll call this story an egg sandwich. There was a lack of depth in terms of character, detail, and plot there, so it's as if you haven't quite gotten the hang of cooking an egg and now you're trying to jump straight into making an egg sandwich. You still need to know how to make an egg, but now there's a great deal more to be done so that your work is…proficient, shall we say?

I guess what I've been building up to is how you need to slow down, really step back and look at your work and make sure the flow matches how you're imagining it. I saw your previous work, I saw potential there, but I think this script idea is you biting off more than you can chew right now. That's not to say I don’t commend a little experimenting with writing, but you have to be willing to own up and say, "this isn't my best work" when you know it's true. Don't think I haven't been there before, I have. A lot. This writing thing, it's a game of practice makes better, not perfect. Writing isn't about perfect, it's about creating a style that allows you and your audience to synchronize with one another so both sides experience the same thing. So if nothing else, I hope you've gained experience from this, from me, and from yourself. Pace yourself, and keep at it.

-Ced

I agree with Cederak above me; the script style was a bit disorienting and kept me from imagining it as a Bionicle story. I however, appreciated the slight touch of humor you put in here:

“I can’t find my parachute, sir!”
“Look above your head, moron.”
“Oh. Whoops. Eh, forgot about that…”
“Like always, Commando five.”

But that's very human style. I think this story, if you were going military transcript and all, is probably better for that anyway (I don't know of any formal Bionicle military)- just go with the flow and give it the human characters it needs. Any Bionicle military or intergalactic travel needs a bit more backstory than you have included here. I wouldn't drop the script/military transcript style entirely, if that's what you want, but understand that it works better for humans than Matoran. Keep that in mind and you should be good.

Thanks to both for your reviews. Now, to explain something.

The military thing was intended to be explained in the future epic, but, well, it seems like I've got to say it here: this was meant to be an alternate universe, where Glatorian and Toa culture is very advanced, both technologically and mentally. Seen the results, I think I should write somehting about it...
I can't correct "Cya" because I wanted to give the characters a friend-like behavior. You see, wars have always been described as dark and unfriendly ( indeed they are ), so I wanted to represent the other side, where people still smile and laugh and joke, yet conscious of death and destruction war brings. I wanted to give a reality-like gradual discovery of what happened, just like an archaelogist who finds a piece of a Roman artifact here and another there, if you get what I mean.
I wouldn't call caps lock unprofessional in this work, it's just a different style of writing, even if it seems I'm not so good at it. I can't cancel them, as it wouldn't be convincing on me, but I'll work a little bit more on this SS to fix these imperfections. However, I guess I'll be going back to classic style.

I'm aware this was something beyond my skills - that's why I called it an experiment - and that I've done a step longer than the leg. Therefore, I'm conscious this isn't my best job. To be honest, I was doubtful about this and I thought this was gonna be sort of a "kamikaze attack". I always had a bad feeling about this and it seems those doubts were confirmed.

I hope I answered everything, but if something is still clear contact me the way you prefer to.

I'm really obliged to both of you for your precious feedback and your important tips.

Because a writer is nothing without readers.

Edited by Emile A239, Jun 12 2012 - 10:14 AM.