7 replies to this topic

[Zo'Tomana]

So I am going to post the end story, and then fill in the middle between my first few stories and this one, and then move ahead in time past this. It'll be fun, and I hope you all enjoy the ride as much as I do building it!

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Twelve Steps

- Twelve more steps. That is all I have to take. Twelve steps until I can finally rest in peace once more.
- I am the Ringmaster. I run the largest crime ring on Wiki Nui. It was a masterpiece if I do say so myself. I once had rings within rings going, and wheels spinning within wheels. I was the center spike, the engine, the bottom line. I kept it all going, in order, and out of sight. Wiki Nui was my fiddle, and when I scraped my bow across its strings, my organization, the whole of it would sing to my tune.
- My personal playing never happened often. To do so would cause far too much notice to be drawn to my quarter. A cog here or there lost to the impotent police of Wiki Nui was replaceable. A wheel taken out by the Toa Effigia or their legal counterparts, the self styled Detectives, was repairable, but if I was to be removed the whole mechanism would be shattered.
- Eleven more steps.
- I am the most powerful person in Wiki Nui. More powerful than Swert even, as some of the Sectra are on my payroll. Of course I didn't start out in this position. No, no. Faber est suae quisque fortunae. For those of you who don't pay attention to dimensional science, that's Latin, the dead language of some dimension an associate of mine discovered in a freak accident. It means "Every man is the artisan of his own fortune".
- Ten more steps, ten more until I can embrace my future.
- I won't bore you with the details of my life before I turned to crime. I will only tell you that I made masks. I had an idea one day, and from that idea blossomed my first heist. The Mask of Travel, a Kanohi dedicated solely to my purposes and my genius. I contacted a partner of mine, and he placed special crystals I created into the doorframes of my apartment, a bank, and a bathroom at the bank. We bled that bank dry, took the crystals back, and slowly used our newfound funds to begin building our crime ring. A few thousand here, a few thousand there and suddenly I had my own gang going, though I didn't tell anyone besides my inner ring about my Masks.
- Nine more, eternal steps.
- One day we did a job for a bigger crime ring, but found I didn't like the pay. I am more brilliant than their boss ever was, so why should he have been ordering me around? I killed him, the Agori piece of slime. His own people don't know that he is dead, even today. I can do it because he was paranoid, and only I was able to figure out who he was. Hehe, he ran his operation from the dark and there he died. Even my closest partner doesn't know I did it, he just knows I took control of that ring, and that from there we have grown more and more.
- Eight left. I have worked it all out. Eight more steps and I will be done. The beginning of the end starts in eight steps.
- I killed my original partner, and blamed it on a street thief. Slowly, I got rid of the first inner ring I had carried with me. I was in charge, and they were baggage. I crafted a new group of cunning people like myself, but only two know the secret of my Masks.
- Seven slow, soft, stealthy, sovereign steps.
- And so I am now the protosteel spike holding the Wiki Nui underground together, the cog that turns the wheels of the machine that is crime in this city. I am the target of every crime-fighter in the city, the target without a face, without a name. It was the press that gave me my name, the Ringmaster. I like it. My rings within rings attached to rings and wheels turning wheels within wheels.
- Six steps to destiny. My goal is not far away.
- It was like conducting an orchestra. With a mere wave of my hand the screams of the murdered would chorus out as a delicate, haunting melody to my ears, the scrape of steel would ring the harmony, the Ringmaster's Requiem in D minor. The wheels turn, the rings spin, and so my plans fall into place in dissonant chords that work so well to the advantage of my ears. Bliss.
- Five steps more.
- Until that Agori Agram was caught. A mere spoke for a wheel on the outer rings of my criminal empire, but nonetheless the investigation into him was dangerous to me. I personally oversaw getting his appeals through, the result of my Toa Sectra allies, and by the time he was convicted and the evidence had to be handed over, I had my plan in place, but bringing Tomana into my web did not suit in the end. The Agram evidence has been burned; I had a pair of officers paid off. I thought I had been safe, but the famous Detective Toa Tomana never stopped sniffing.
- Four final, fatal steps.
- That Toa thought he could bring me down, and he nearly has. But he is not me. I will solve this problem tonight. I will end the nuisance. I am not far from being able to do so with ease.
- Three steps to serenity.
- I have a network of crystals in doorways throughout the city, and I can use my mask to travel between them all. My genius will prevail.
- Two steps.
- And now I am here, in Tomana's quarters, knife in hand. I shall sleep with in peace, his death on my hands.
- One more step.
- The Effigia after the Detectives. I can finally be free.
- No more steps. I have arrived. The time is–
- Pain. Exquisite pain. The feeling of ice penetrating my armor.
- I have been tricked.
- I am....
- I....
- ....
- I hear the Detective Toa speaking. I am under arrest. I hear ambulance sirens, and police sirens.
- I will not be captured. No. Faber est suae quisque fortunae. I will escape.
- Morior invictus.

[Toa Nidhiki05]

So many things to say about this story. The prose is excellent. The thoughts of the Ringmaster are clear, but eloquently written. The writing itself is unique, with each step revealing more and more until the final revelation of the end. The story is excellent, and even though I've read it before, it still feels fresh.

You've really outdone yourself on this one, Tomana; excellent job.

-TN05

[Zo'Tomana]

Thanks Nid! =D I wasn't sure how it would be received, even though I was really happy with it, because it is so different from what I usually write.

[Toa Nidhiki05]

Thanks Nid! =D I wasn't sure how it would be received, even though I was really happy with it, because it is so different from what I usually write.

This is a great story, no matter how you wrote it. The style is unique, yet accessible.

-TN05

[Quote (Mr. Traveler)]

Oooh yes this story feels fresh. Wonderfully told and heights the interests of exactly what happens before this. I'm wondering how Tomana knew the Ringmaster was coming, so that'll probably be explained in the middle or beginning story. But anyway it's written very well, not as suspenseful as you would think, since you don't know that he's trying to kill someone, and I was personally more captivated by the back-story. Then I get to the end and I'm like "What he's gonna kill the detective!?" And after learning what a genius he is, I think it's awesome "Tomana" found out he was coming.

Really want to know why so write the next story.

Also an alternate ending to be honest could have been Tomana not stopping the Ringmaster, and making it a cliffhanger. That would have been torture though. (hehe)

And a ring within a ring. Ringception? :3

[Yukiko]

I like the premise of this story. It's a new style that I have certainly never seen before, and I'm glad that you had the courage to experiment. Short stories are good for doing this.

However, I'm not sure the effect was quite as dramatic as I had anticipated. Most of your story ended up being a bunch background information on the main character. While it is interesting, it doesn't read as suspenseful. I did not feel in the moment, in the characters head, even though I was privy to his thoughts. I understand that you wanted to inform the audience about your character, and considering that this story begins at the end it is kind of necessary. I would suggest making your characters thoughts more vague, closer to what he would actually be thinking as he is about to assassinate someone. Unless he's schizophrenic, he is not trying to inform anyone specific of his life story. A vaguer train of thought would also make the reader more eager to read your other stories detailing his past, in order to fill in the "holes" that he or she is curious about.

And the Latin...well, that's just me. I don't like latin. <<

Overall this is a really interest idea. Keep writing. ^^

[Zo'Tomana]

...I'm not sure the effect was quite as dramatic as I had anticipated. Most of your story ended up being a bunch background information on the main character. While it is interesting, it doesn't read as suspenseful. I did not feel in the moment, in the characters head, even though I was privy to his thoughts. I understand that you wanted to inform the audience about your character, and considering that this story begins at the end it is kind of necessary. I would suggest making your characters thoughts more vague, closer to what he would actually be thinking as he is about to assassinate someone. Unless he's schizophrenic, he is not trying to inform anyone specific of his life story. A vaguer train of thought would also make the reader more eager to read your other stories detailing his past, in order to fill in the "holes" that he or she is curious about

The Ringmaster is really supposed to be not entirely sane just by nature. Look at the word images he uses. I don't know many sane people who speak like that, even to themselves. The goal was to provide information about him in a way that would be unique, and would preclude the necessary condemnation if it was told by a different character, like Tomana.

Besides, the fill in stories will be focused on the Detective's Company and Toa Effigia as they solve other mysteries and dig up things on the Ringmaster. This is all that will be provided of the Ringmaster's background prior to his becoming who he was, all else will be done in stories where he most likely will not make a physical appearance.

[55555]

That was a great read, I like the way you did that character, he hung together well. Ha, no pun intended.

KUTGW

- 55555