Posted Jul 04 2012 - 02:47 PM
Official ECC review!
Well, I seem to be assigned to a lot of your stories these days. This one isn’t about the T/DH war like the last few, but I certainly enjoyed it.
I’ve said this before, in previous reviews, but I enjoy reading your stories because, while the writing isn’t exceptionally amazing, it’s very easy and enjoyable to read, and very easy to follow. It has good grammar as well, with only a few errors I could spot, minor ones at that. If I had to pick at one repeating problem, I’d say spacing and indenting, they seem to be a little inconsistent.
A major thing that stood out to me was your switch between first and third person; it can be jarring, but you handled it smoothly enough to the point where it flowed nicely. The problem I did see however, was when you wrote FP from Cenolb. It was confusing, considering that before we only saw FP from one person’s point of view. I’d suggest changing that to third person, honestly.
I like the plot and concept a lot, honestly. The AU world you used was a good one, and the idea of the element lord of water worked well. The whole story gave me an air that was a combination of Voya Nui and Mata Nui, and it was a feel I really liked.
When it comes to characters, I’ll admit that they aren’t the most appealing. The three aren’t 2D, but I didn’t find their characters very appealing, especially Tiri as a toa. Solek also seemed a little two dimensional and Kopaka ever so slightly OOC. Overall, the characters aren’t terrible, but they aren’t wonderful either; they’re averagely decent, which works well.
If I had to give my favorite part, I would say the first chapters; they set a nice setting, and I greatly enjoyed how they were written. For least favorite, the lighthouse part, mostly because Solek did not appeal to me, at all.
As we grew closer to the island, currents pulled our boat back to sea. Tiri and I fought them, our oars bending as dug in. Soon enough our strength beat the ocean’s, and we rolled onto the beach. Nireta threw a pack on the sand and climbed out as the Ta-Matoran and I guided our boat to shore, small waves knocking it back and forth.
‘as they dug in.’
On a stone bench set against the wall sat Nireta and Tiribomba, whom quietly exchanged words. The Toa of Fire caressed his wrist, but otherwise the two looked none the worse for wear.
I think ‘quietly exchanging words’ would sound better, as they’d been talking before Boar arrived.
So I trained. I pushed my Toa power to its limits, and I was finally able to transform into pure light. I figured that was my destiny, to search for those lost at sea.” The three of us stood there, appalled and touched by his story.
You need a quotation mark at the start of that.
“Exactly,” Peck chuckled darkly. “I may not be a Toa, but I understand this stuff a little. Kopaka and Solek have been Toa for far longer than a week. They’re known for whom they are, and they don’t try to be like Tahu or anyone else. Give yourself time, be yourself, and eventually you’ll be known for that.
Since you’re talking about two people, shouldn’t it be who instead of whom?
Kopaka struck this time, swooping upward toward the struggling Ruru. His opponent cut down to intercept the blow, and the steel twirled as Kopaka fluidly flicked his wrists. With one hand he slashed at Kopaka, who met with a dozen parries. The novice struck wildly from all angles, and still was met with the opposing blade omnipresent. The Toa of Fire fiercely attacked, making a step’s advance with every swipe, until he separated Kopaka’s hand and blade. Feeling a burning in his arms, Tiribomba made the vital mistake of lowering his sword; Kopaka’s tip was at his neck in a flash.
First, minor nitpick I had was that you’d think for the setup the swords were there for, they’d be straight blades, not sabers.
Second, the bolded line makes it sound like he cut off Kopaka’s hand. What happened? You might want to clarify a bit more.
Overall, this was an excellent story, with relatively few flaws, or other problems. I certainly enjoyed reading and reviewing this, and hope to see more of it.
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