14 replies to this topic

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Here you can review my epic.
If you read it, please comment and let me know what you think. I'm hoping to have a future career as a writer, and so any input from you would be most appreciated. Hope you enjoy it!

Topic link: When The Month Ends

[~The 1st Shadow~]

When the Month Ends has now been updated with Chapter 2. Sorry it's been so long.

[Ultimate Sybre]

Okay, I think this is pretty good! I happen to be a great writer myself, but I have a few dream jobs before trying out writing.

[Ultimate Sybre]

When do you plan to release Chapter 3?

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Hopefully by the end of the week. It's almost done, and I want to have the usual "opening banner" that I did for previous chapters.

[Ultimate Sybre]

Your writing is very exquisite! I look forward to chapter 4 when it comes around!

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Sorry about the long wait, guys. I've been really busy this past year, and it kinda slipped my mind.

Your writing is very exquisite! I look forward to chapter 4 when it comes around!

Thanks! My friends and teachers have all told me I have real potential, so I'm using this epic as my "test run."

[Ultimate Sybre]

Two more Toa, I see. But they're more trouble than I thought. They must be evil.

And does someone die in Chapter 5?

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Two more Toa, I see. But they're more trouble than I thought. They must be evil.

And does someone die in Chapter 5?

For the purposes of this story, most of Chirox's Toa Hagah disbanded or were killed. Korahn gathered up three of the remaining ones. Of the four, you've only seen three. The last one comes into play much later, around the time of Teridax's takeover of the universe. As for them being evil, I wouldn't quite say that. They just have a darker sense of justice than most Toa. And to top that off, they don't understand who or what it is they're after. So, I wouldn't call them "evil," just a bit misguided.
As for your final question... Just give me a couple hours, and I'll have your answer

[Toa Smoke Monster]

Okay, so I've read the prologue and first chapter of your epic. I'm going to review them separately.

Prologue: This sets up for a very interesting story with the winged character. I guess the Great Beings really didn't want him to become self-aware. Overall, I enjoy it. I did find a couple grammar mistakes though. And they are:

angonce ran over to one of the other Great Beings

Angonce should be capitalized.

But he was wrong. So very, very wrong!

The bolded part looks kind of out of place. I think that it should be omitted.

First Chapter: The 1st Shadow and Demrus seem to have an interesting friendship. Especially since the latter didn't check on his friend when his ship crashed. But anyway, the pacing of the story is good. I would've liked to know exactly what The 1st Shadow is. Is he a Toa, the winged creature from the prologue, or something else? I don't know if you answered this in the following chapters, since I haven't read them yet, but I think it would've been good to at least mention what he is here. But this is just my opinion. I did find one sentence that confused me, and it is:

If it had been lost to the waters, then he wouldn't be able to find it for another seven months!

How did he know that it would take seven months to retrieve the box if it fell into the ocean? Maybe saying something like "He wouldn't be able to find it for months!" would be better.

Anyway, this is a good start for your epic. I'll try to review the other chapters when I get some more free time.

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Okay, so I've read the prologue and first chapter of your epic. I'm going to review them separately.

Prologue: This sets up for a very interesting story with the winged character. I guess the Great Beings really didn't want him to become self-aware. Overall, I enjoy it. I did find a couple grammar mistakes though. And they are:

angonce ran over to one of the other Great Beings

Angonce should be capitalized.

But he was wrong. So very, very wrong!

The bolded part looks kind of out of place. I think that it should be omitted.

First Chapter: The 1st Shadow and Demrus seem to have an interesting friendship. Especially since the latter didn't check on his friend when his ship crashed. But anyway, the pacing of the story is good. I would've liked to know exactly what The 1st Shadow is. Is he a Toa, the winged creature from the prologue, or something else? I don't know if you answered this in the following chapters, since I haven't read them yet, but I think it would've been good to at least mention what he is here. But this is just my opinion. I did find one sentence that confused me, and it is:

If it had been lost to the waters, then he wouldn't be able to find it for another seven months!

How did he know that it would take seven months to retrieve the box if it fell into the ocean? Maybe saying something like "He wouldn't be able to find it for months!" would be better.

Anyway, this is a good start for your epic. I'll try to review the other chapters when I get some more free time.

I hadn't noticed the captialization error on Angonce. My mistake. As for the bolded part, I don't know what I did that for. Probably just emphasis.
As for what The 1st Shadow is, he's both of those. He's the green/black Matoran AND the winged Toa. Both forms were some of the Great Beings' prototypes, and during his creation, he somehow absorbed the information on some of the various species the GBs had been working on. As such, he switches forms every once in a while As the story progresses, I'll go into more detail on how and why that happens. Sorry if I wasn't clear on his form. The prologue starts at the beginning of one of his "cycles," so he's just been switched back to the green/black Matoran.
As for the "seven months" thing, that's supposed to be a little foreshadowing on my part. He knows the capabilities of his forms, and he has to wait for the right one to come around to use its powers. You'll understand as the story progresses. I'm much more into it now, and I plan to update the story as often as I can.
Thanks for the comments! I'll be sure to fix some of those things for the benefit of everyone else.

EDIT: I just found an answer for one of your questions. The very first sentence of Chapter 1 states which form he's in. I don't like to think of him as a Matoran, because he really isn't, and that's probably why it was a little confusing. Because he's a prototype, he has many similarities to the final Matoran species, but not enough for either him or myself to really be considered a Matoran.

Edited by ~The 1st Shadow~, Aug 16 2012 - 01:42 AM.

[christo1096]

Great bro! very like the story, so interesting. can't wait for the next chapter

[~The 1st Shadow~]

My week seems a little cluttered, but I should have the next chapter ready and posted by Friday. Thanks for giving my work a read, guys!

[light Laser]

Seems okay to me. not the best I've ever read, but I don't read that fast so I only read certain things.

[~The 1st Shadow~]

Seems okay to me. not the best I've ever read, but I don't read that fast so I only read certain things.

I'm getting better at it. A while ago, I went back and re-did the entire first two chapters just because I realized how terrible they were. My last two or three chapters felt like significant improvements on my part, after all the feedback and pointers from others on here. It's a work in progress, after all. I guess some of the transitions between chapters might seem a little rough, but that's because I only have so much time to sit down and write a full chapter these days. Stuff piles up, and I fall behind in my writing. But thanks, though!