10 replies to this topic

[Hurricane iBrow]

I stumble down the broken street, and it feels like I run into every piece of brick or wood that litters the road as I do so.

There’s a dull pain in my temple. I think something hit me, but I can’t remember. My left arm feels fuzzy. My left leg looks like it came out of a pretzel. I think it should be hurting. I think I should be screaming. Should I be screaming?

What would I scream in? Would I scream in fear? Or should I scream in fury? Or perhaps I should let my voice rise to the heavens in remorse, or just pain.

Is it wrong that I’m not screaming?

Is it wrong that I don’t feel anything?

I don’t even understand. I’ve reached my destination, but I don’t know how I know this. I fumble for the keys that have been quietly clinking at my waist and manage to drop them to the ground.

They shatter as though made of glass and not metal.

So I push against the rotten wood of the door and it collapses into a black abyss, as I try to grope my way through the cramped dampness of the dark. I can’t see what I’m doing or where I’m going, but one of my trembling hands catches a wall and, a moment later, a switch that I flick.

Why am I shivering so? Am I weak? Am I scared? Am I cold?

I don’t know. I don’t know anything.

A light flickers on from the centre of the ceiling, allowing me to take in the ruins of a destination I can’t remember knowing. One window has been boarded shut, though the wood has begun to collapse in on itself. There is a hole in the ceiling large enough for someone twice my size to fit through. I don’t think anybody made it though.

There’s another hole, a little bigger, in the floor. In this place I remember but don’t, I can’t recall there having been a basement. Just three simple rooms, though I don’t know what any of them were for.

One of the other rooms has caved in on itself, and I don’t fancy attempting to pick my way through the jagged wreckage. I can see gleaming golden bars barring the way into the third room.

My head hurts now. Like a knife digging into my brain. I think it’s something important, but I don’t know if it’s bad or good.

I can’t see anything in here. Just walls and mold and wreckage and water dripping down a wall- I think there should be something else.

I try to take a step but now my leg suddenly doesn’t let me up and I fall, crashing down onto the floor. I hear several loud cracks that sound deafening in the silence and then the floor disappears.

Why am I falling? Should I scream now? But what would I scream of?

I am confused. I do not know what is happening.

I hit the floor with what I think is a soft thump. I don’t know what that means. I don’t really care. My vision is going blurry. I think it’s going black. Am I going to die? How would I know?

Should I scream now? But why would I scream of death? Why can’t I remember anything?

I see someone. I think I’m going to be gone soon. Who is he? He is green and white. His Kanohi looks familiar. Is he a Toa? I don’t think he was a Toa. How do I know this? I don’t understand....

I recognize him but don’t recognize him. I am so confused. Is this death? Is this life? Is this....

So confused...

A Toa... but...

I have not seen...

It’s so long since the last...

How do I know...?

So confused....

I’m so confused.

Hopefully this is alright; I was going for just a quick, short story here. The main character is a Matoran (most likely male, though it could be a female Matoran too), and the Toa would be important somehow. I'm not really sure how to explain this; I think anything about it that can be explained is explained by the story itself.

C&C Appreciated.

EDIT: Fixed a small spelling error.

Edited by ibrow, Jun 22 2012 - 07:47 PM.

[Plague]

Cool story, very confusing. Oh by the way, VERY creative title. XD

[Hurricane iBrow]

Cool story, very confusing. Oh by the way, VERY creative title. XD

It's not really a title at all; this was the very first time that I actually felt restricted by the requirement to have a topic title, though at the same time I do understand that it's necessary.

It's meant to be confusing, so I'm glad that I got it across.

-ibrow

[Mr. Chicken]

Well, other than the overuse of 'I', it was great. The way you made it confusing was a good move. Having the readers be as confused as the characters, especially in first person narratives, can really help grab interest.

P.S. TO THE NUIMOBILE!!

[Hurricane iBrow]

Well, other than the overuse of 'I', it was great. The way you made it confusing was a good move. Having the readers be as confused as the characters, especially in first person narratives, can really help grab interest.

P.S. TO THE NUIMOBILE!!

Glad you enjoyed it. That "I" looks like a "T", but that's fine. Two for two in the confusion field, so it looks like it worked. Although there's only one character, not two. Glad it caught your interest. =)

-ibrow

[fishers64]

I'm pretty confused. How was this guy injured? Is he hallucinating?

One thing that annoyed me was that you seemed to set this in the real world instead of some Bionicle location, which would have mad more sense. But it just makes it more confusing. If you were going for confusion, you got it. Now I would appreciate it if you would unconfuse me.

[Hurricane iBrow]

I'm pretty confused. How was this guy injured? Is he hallucinating?

One thing that annoyed me was that you seemed to set this in the real world instead of some Bionicle location, which would have mad more sense. But it just makes it more confusing. If you were going for confusion, you got it. Now I would appreciate it if you would unconfuse me.

Unfortunately, I will not unconfuse you. It was intended to be confusing, and thus you will remain as such under its effects. >=D
I felt that having it be a Matoran and Toa made more sense than other creatures, hence why it's Bionicle. I thought about naming it as a certain Bionicle city, but decided that would detract from the feel.

-ibrow

[Haecceity]

I love the descriptive language here, and the sense of confusion that permeates the entire story just adds to the "feel" I get from it. Great job!

[Hurricane iBrow]

I love the descriptive language here, and the sense of confusion that permeates the entire story just adds to the "feel" I get from it. Great job!

Thank you! So far it sounds like I succeeded in what I set out to do, but I'm sure the SSCC will tear this thing apart!

-ibrow

[Tolkien]

Hello iBrow Hearts Rarity. You requested it, and now it’s time—time for an official SSCC review. Brace…yourself?

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I’ll start with what I think works the best in this story: the pace of the narrative and the reactions of your main character. The sense of disorientation and horror is conveyed quite well through the disjointed nature of your character’s thoughts and his/her struggle to understand what is happening. All very effective—description, pacing, etc. Together, these aspects certainly make for an interesting read. I didn’t notice any major typos or grammatical errors either, so I’ll give you high marks for writing structure overall. Nicely done.

The main area where I think this story could be improved is the conclusion. I can understand how the “point” of the story might be to leave the reader in a state of mind similar to that of the main character (namely disoriented), and I think you have accomplished that.

The problem is that there is no “pay-off” for the reader—no real resolution. The tension in the story seems to be building toward something, and yet nothing actually resolves. Instead, we’re left just as mystified as we were at the beginning.

Now, I’m not saying that, in order to improve this, you need to actually reveal anything more about your character or the circumstances that led up to the time of the story (since the absence of these things seems to be an element of what you were trying to convey here). But I do think that there needs to be some kind of closure. Even having the Matoran black out could be effective. There are an infinite number of ways to do it, and it’s up to you how you want to go about it. I simply know that, as a reader, the ending left me quite unsatisfied, especially since the story seems to be slowly leading toward some kind of clarity. The introduction of the Toa at the end made me think there would be a hint of resolution, but it ultimately falls flat.

That is my main suggestion narrative-wise. Again, I think your writing style and sense of description are very good and effective at drawing the reader in. With some finessing, this could make a gripping short story.

As for the title, might I humbly suggest…Confused? That does seem to be a consensus reaction…just kidding.

(or am I?)



JRRT

[Hurricane iBrow]

Thank you for the review- I'll take what you said about the ending into account. Part of it was, as said, to keep the reader confused, but I can see what you mean. Perhaps I'll write another story up detailing what occurs after. =P

-ibrow