18 replies to this topic

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

I walk.

I do not know why I walk, nor do I know why I don't know that. The recursive reality of my thoughts, stemming from that single point, is mind boggling.

I walk, both towards something and away from it. This is inevitable. It is impossible to run from your past, without meeting the future; it is impossible to leave a land and not come to another. This is logical.

I don't always walk. Sometimes I use my Miru, to glide, other times I run as though I have a Kakama. But no matter. I am still going somewhere, and leaving somewhere. Just as always.

Recently I left Stelt, feeling an urge to continue along. Being a Toa of Ice, I had to do very little but freeze the water beneath my feet as I continued along. I have not stopped walking since, not for any length of time.

I came along to Xia, met some Vortixx, looked over a couple schematics. If my team was still together, they would have been rather useful for restraining other beings we would fight, at times, but that doesn't matter much anymore.

Later I walked past Odina, not daring to step foot in that land--a realm of darkness, treachery, back-stabbing, power-hungry lunatics. A Toa has no place there, and so I do not stop there. That is not my destination.

As I have mentioned, I have yet to learn my destination. I just continue to walk, feeling as though I'll come upon the land where I am needed soon. I feel as though that may be what is tugging me ever onward-a journey, of sorts, to where I need to go. But I am not sure. All I know is that I walk.

Ah, perhaps you might like a bit of backstory on me, before I continue, yes? Why, of course. Most people I've met in my time generally prefer that over my monologue, though truly it just leads to another, and another, and so on and so forth. It is astounding as to how the mind manages to constantly interweave itself into new patterns, is it not? Ah, but I am getting off trek, so to speak.

My name is Grochi, if that would help. Toa of Ice, former leader of a Toa Team, hailing from some odd place deep in the Southern Isles. I do not quite remember the name of our former residence-it has been a while, you see. Though it was lush, a paradisiacal island, jungles, lava, you name it. It had just about everything one would ever need-picturesque, snow-covered mountains, vibrant tropical forests, scalding lakes of liquid flame, and the cool, healing waters which surrounded the island. Ah, how beautiful it was.

Well, we had our good run, as most such teams do. We ended up having to travel around the islands to keep the peace-the Toa around those islands continued to dwindle, the Dark Hunters taking them. In fact, the Dark Hunters resided on Odina, the island I mentioned earlier. See, there's a reason I prefer to avoid that place.

But, yes, anyways, as I said, we had our good run. Though, as it is wont to do, our happy times soon fled from us, as we hunted them with the perverse, and yet very understandable predatory instinct of one hungry, thirsting for such good fortune as we had, unwilling to relinquish it.

Well, we all had quite a few arguments within the team-worse than before, though, and, in hindsight, they were over such petty matters. In fact, it was over one such argument that we felt the need to disband. I was discussing the course we ought to take to get around to our next mission-there was a hive of Zyglak along the main path, you see, and I would much rather have avoided them.

Well, Lesovikk being Lesovikk, felt the need to argue that with me. He said we could easily take the Zyglak, no problem at all. That sparked a large argument among the team, and, sadly, I was my only supporter. So, I decided to do the smart thing, and I left. I didn't want our infighting to progress to any worse levels than they were at, and so I felt that I should take a leave of absence.

I have been walking ever since. I know not what has happened to my former team, whether they progressed safely, or if any of them are still alive. Sometimes, I miss them, as all social creatures are wont to do once excluded from their previous friendships. I, however, divert myself. Sometimes, I meet other Toa, and I will help them with such as they need help with. Other times, I make new allies on the various islands. Life goes on.

Yes, yes, that is where my journey began. I started walking as soon as I left them, feeling the incessant pull. I know not where I go. I know my direction: To the future. To unknown lands, to new people and new friendships. New enemies. All are inevitable.

I walk. I walk and I do not know why.

I simply walk.

* * *

A large, silverish-grey, cylindrical construction, a 'canister,' if you will, washed ashore upon an island. A hiss was heard, air escaping the canister as its top opened, light spilling into it. A tall being stepped out, resplendent in his shining white armour as he looked about himself.

After a moment, he turned.

And he began to walk.

Edited by Kal Grochi, Jun 26 2012 - 09:18 PM.

[Haecceity]

First off, I love the "conversational" style this is presented in. It flows nicely and gives insight into the basic idea of walking the lands forever. One oddity I find in this is that it seems quite odd for a Toa of Ice to talk so much, and to easily jump from topic to topic. This seems odd due to the general solitary nature of Ko-Matoran and their Toa. Other that that, I have to remark that this is a great story, and I enjoyed reading it.

[fishers64]

A bit short on plot, but you nicely covered the philosophical ideals of the Ko-Matoran. I'm going to agree with the poster above me, though - this particular Toa of Ice seems a bit chatty for his kind, but will also add that he otherwise fits the logical demeanor of the Ko-type very well - uncaring, willing to walk forever across the sea for a bit of quiet.

I'd like to see you try a story with him someday - one with a plot. Just a thought of mine.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Some Toa of Ice and Matoran of Ice can be more chatty than others, at least, in the BZPRPG.

But yeah, this more so trying to work on a new style as well. Not too much plot, just explaining what had set him out on his journey. Just the musings of a wandering Toa.

Thanks for the nice comments. ^.^ Hardly anybody posts when I write stories anymore, unlike a few years ago, and we all know I can't improve well without Constructive Criticism. I always need literary critics.

[thebeggerpie]

I like this, it's a very interesting read. I don't think he is that chatty. I think you captured the feelings of a truly solitary Toa of Ice.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Thanks, Pie. I was running off the general seclusion I feel on a day-by-day basis.

[Tehurye]

Too bad you feel such a seclusion, that's such a nasty thing to deal with.

Anyways, you have done yourself proud. I don't think this story asks for more explanation, like a sequel or any such thing. Your "conversational" style was very, very well done, and sounded very believeable. Despite the lack of action, it held my attention very well. You've really got something going here, keep it up!

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Eh, it's more self-imposed than anything.

And thanks, I probably will.

[The Novelist Called Nuile]

To be honest, I have little to critique here. I'm generally not very fond of blatant backstory, but you actually executed it rather well. I prefer my stories to be shown, not told; but this was told with enough flavor to satisfy me.

And your writing style, by the way, is fabulous. There was an effortless flow to it, and it was saturated with character.

There's an interesting story behind this story, but the story itself is immaterial. That's my only complaint. There's this Toa, lost and alone and confused, who used to be a member of Lesovvik's Toa Team before he up and quit. It seems a bit rash, that, but we're given enough information to understand his decision. Any more detail regarding his thoughts behind that sudden measure would have merely weighed the story down, so you made a good choice there. But as I was saying, that's all we know about this Toa. There's no real story here to sink my teeth into. It's more of an adumbration; just a rough sketch. However, I'm impressed that you successfully made this rough sketch truly interesting.

One aside here: you didn't tell us that the Toa Team of which this character was once a part was Lesovikk's, you showed us. Good, very good.

The ending was unclear, but that's a good thing. It leaves the readers a bit of room to play. It leaves them something to think about, allowing them to draw their own conclusions and exert their own imaginations. Are you, perhaps, suggesting that this is Kopaka? But no; the Miru, then, does not make sense. Could it be another canonical Toa? Not that I am aware of. I think it is, in fact, no more than a mere statement of this: he reached his destination.

Grammatically, you did a great job. I only noticed a few mistakes:

It is impossible to run from your past, without meeting the future; It is impossible to leave a land and not come to another.

The first word after a semicolon should not be capitalized--unless, of course, it is a proper noun, which this was not.

Later I walked past Odina, not daring to step foot in that land-a realm of darkness, treachery, back-stabbing, power-hungry lunatics.

You used your em dashes properly, except that they were hyphens, not em dashes. The keyboard was created with the deficiency that is a lack of an em dash key--but you can at least improvise with two dashes rather than one.

Oh, and you used one of my favorite words. Bonus points there.

Ah, perhaps you might like a bit of back story on me, before I continue, yes?

One word: backstory.

I didn't want our infighting to progress to any worse levels than they were at, and so I felt that should take a leave of absence.

"That"--infighting--certainly should have taken a leave of absence, but that was not, in truth, what you intended to convey in that sentence.

A large, silverish-grey, cylindrical construct, a 'canister,' if you will, washed ashore upon an island.

-ion.


I find the story difficult to describe because it was immaterial; the interest, too, is immaterial, and therefore I find it difficult to describe as well. All I can say is that it was your writing that saved what otherwise might have been a dull story. You took an uninteresting plot and wrote it in an interesting manner, and that is a very important ability to possess. That is why I say to you: Excellent work!


On behalf of the Short Stories Critics Club I thank you and wish you a nice day, good sir!

Keep writing,

From the desk of Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Edited by Nuile: The Daft Wordbender, Jun 26 2012 - 02:09 PM.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Ah, thank you, my friend. I'll get to correcting those mistakes, thanks for pointing them out-I barely noticed that afterwards.

And yeah, as I mentioned, this was somewhat trying out a new style, less than writing an actual story. I'm glad it worked so well, though. Haha.

EDIT: If anybody cares to know, I decided to try a style that was similar to how J.R.R. Tolkien wrote The Hobbit, though mine was somewhat different-and in first person format. Still, good to know it worked well.

Edited by Kal Grochi, Jun 26 2012 - 09:19 PM.

[The Snark Knight]

Interesting read.

I like the way that it was all told fluidly, and in character. Nothing about it felt forced or broke the feeling of the story. It drew people in, made them want to know more.

Well done. But curse you for making me even more curious.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Haha.

It's my job.

[Replicant]

After all these posts, I feel like my opinions are worthless.

...

However, I'll still post them anyway, just to spite you all.

This, as everyone before me has said, is an excellent story. It has a morbid, slightly depressed (but mostly calm) tone, and excellent pacing. The beginning grabbed your attention, and then the rest of the story kept it in a firm strangle-hold.

However, in most (good) stories, you feel empty at the end, and want more of the character/characters. With your story, it's a satisfiying ending, leaving it up to the reader in a way not many stories do. I think it has something to do with the tone of the story, but that's just IMO.

All in all, a great story. Looking forward to more of them.

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Thanks, Darkon. Can I ask where you got the morbid and slightly depressed from, though?

Yeah, that ending was the sort of thing I've wanted to do for a while. I'm glad to know it worked out well.

[Mef Man]

Great story, Kal! I liked the ending the best, because after all of this sad story it ends with, what you think to be, a perfect stranger getting out of a canister only for it to be the same Grochi. But, it was very interesting and, yes, the style of writing was great as well. Karz, he's an emo...

And, I wanted to mention that in lines 12 ( Though, as it is wont to do, our happy times soon fled from us,) and 15 (I miss them, as all social creatures are wont to do once excluded from their previous friendships.) Did you mean won't, want, or am I forgetting that wont is a word?

But, great story and very cool writing style!

-Mef

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Nope, Wont is an actual word.


wont3rd person singular present, past participle, past tense of wont

Adjective: (of a person) In the habit of doing something; accustomed. Noun: One's customary behavior in a particular situation: "Constance, as was her wont, left early". Verb: Make or be or become accustomed. Synonyms:
adjective. accustomed - wonted - habitual - usual - used - used to
noun. habit - custom - practice - habitude - way - use - usage
verb. accustom


Credit goes to Google for all of that.

[Nick Silverpen]

Pretty much everything has been said I'm not usually one for grammAr, but itdoes help the story. A few things here and there that could be fixed, as mentioned above.

I like the rambling style, how your character tells it straightforward. A little description here and there to detail where he's going, but not too much- you make it simple for the reader to understand your emotions. Nicely done. It was a suprise to throw In Lessovik, peculiar to see a very quiet character in his team. Ko-matoran-esque was applied.
While I do like how some questions were answered, the end seemed unfullfilling. If he's walking, why bother with the canister? And does he have an intended destination, or an intention further that ridding himself of his past?
Don't let my questions distract from me saying it IS a good story!

[Aderia]

Okay, one question I need to get off my chest. Grochi was the leader of his Toa Team. Grochi's team was Lesovikk's team? Lesovikk was the leader of Lesovikk's team. Did they lead together? Did Lesovikk take over after Grochi left? Am I totally missing something?

But yeah,echoing what others have said, I'm not big on blatant backstories either, but your conversational writing style here made up for that. I have very few nitpicks, I think I'll let them slide this time because I feel like I annoy peole with them.

One thing I definitely did like was the ending, the jump from verb tense and POV was not abrupt or choppy, the transition was just right. I'm not sure exactly how you pulled that off, but you did a good job. Looking back, I think part of that may have been that you didn't lose the conversational tone of your narration, you still address the reader as 'you', it tied the story together nicely.

Anyways, I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. Keep up the good work, Grochi. =)

[Ilyusha Blokfase]

Maybe Lesovikk was slowly taking over the team, even when Grochi was still in charge.

Maybe they did lead together, maybe Lesovikk did take over after they were done.

Maybe you'll just never know because I never decided upon that myself.