Edited by Tekulo: Toa of Wind, Oct 24 2011 - 11:59 AM.
Review: Dare To Dreamreview dare to dream matoran
Posted Oct 14 2011 - 04:34 PM
Posted Oct 15 2011 - 07:29 PM
Dynamics - my new epic. Chapter 1 up. "I am sorry for that, though I have never heard a smell called rude."
Posted Oct 15 2011 - 08:54 PM
Posted Oct 17 2011 - 07:09 PM
Posted Oct 17 2011 - 08:17 PM
Posted Oct 24 2011 - 07:30 PM
Edited by Hahli Historian, Oct 25 2011 - 07:27 AM.
My Library: The Esoteric Athenaeum
Member of the Epic Critics' Club
Posted Oct 26 2011 - 10:54 AM
Posted Feb 17 2012 - 02:20 PM
The phrase "back home in her village" is a bit redundant, I think. Either adding a comma (Back home, in her vilage...) or editing out either of the two parts might make it sound better.
Back home in her village, Laza remembered elevators, apartments and narrow hallways.
Hehe, there’s nothing wrong with this here, I just really liked the imagery used here.
...she could feel Nia and Tetak being washed from her future.
It took me a few times, reading over this sentence, to decide just what made it hiccup. Can someone really think of irrational fear? Perhaps it would be more like “In his mind, all he could feel was irrational fear and the need to find her.” Does that make sense?
In his mind, all he could think of was irrational fear and the need to find her.
Parallel structure here is a bit off with your verb tenses, if I don’t sound nerdy and nitpicky enough yet. But I do feel that the sentence would read more smoothly if all your verbs were in the same tense. (Ex: “grasping” and “digging”, or “grasped” and “dug”)Now, as for your actual story. I've enjoyed it thus far. I do see what your other reviewers are saying, about Tetak and Co. being flat and 2-D, but I can also see them fleshing out steadily and it's good. The part I really liked in Chapter 14 was Tetak arguing with himself in his head and realizing it. I think the two Matoran have tremendous potential and am looking forwards to see how they continue to develop.The introduction of Jet was a bit abrupt, a few chapters back, in my opinion, but I'm hoping we'll get to see more of him soon, and exactly what he's doing in the story. This Nia Glatorian is a different story. When we first saw her, walking with a floating vase, I thought she was some Toa with a Mask of Telekinesis or something. Also, I'm wondering how Jet and Nia know each other. I'm sure it will be a good story. When Nia first encountered Tetak, and vice versa, their observations of one another were very well done and realistic. However, Nia being a Glatorian, I would think she would be more wary and maybe even hostile towards a strange being that showed up in an alien transfer pod in the middle of the woods. I could be wrong, but maybe this has something to do with this madness of hers? This latest twist in her character really has me guessing, and added many layers and possibilities for her. Again, I can't wait to see what you have in store for her. Overall, I like what I've read, and have high hopes for what I will read later on.Keep up the good work!
One hand grasping her forehead, the other dug into her wall, leaving marks as she slid closer to the floor.
"Pip, Flitter, and Flap landed gracefully on a branch.
Stellaluna tried to do the same. But she was not as graceful. How embarrassing!
"I will fly all day, Then no one will see how clumsy I am." ~Janelle Cannon
Posted Feb 19 2012 - 11:13 PM
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