Assigning Roles For A New Lord Of The Mask MovieSummer Olympics
Posted Jun 28 2012 - 05:05 PM
Everybody: What is it?
Hafu: Well, as we all know, Lego canceled the Bionicle theme, so we’ve all been out of work for a few years. But Lego also just acquired the rights to do a Lord of the Rings theme, and to cut corners, they’re going to use us as the various characters from the three movies.
Hafu: Since I’m the greatest artisan around, they’ve given me the role of Peter Jackson.
Jaller: Hey, he wasn’t a character in the movie.
Hafu: No, but he was the director, and that’s what I’m going to be. Now, the first order of business is to begin assigning roles to everybody. So gather round and listen for your name. I’ll start off with the Fellowship. The role of Frodo will go to the Matoran Takua. He will be the wise and responsible Hobbit who must bear the burden of the One Ring, which we’ll be substituting with the Mask of Light.
Jaller: Wait, Takua isn’t that wise or responsible. Why choose him for the role?
Hafu: Because Takua is like the most popular Matoran. But don’t worry, Jaller, you’ll play the role of Samwise, who is his loyal, if somewhat clumsy, friend. Sure, you’ll be comic relief until the third movie, where you’ll show that you’re more than just a stupid, fat Hobbit.
Jaller: That sounds like a better role for Takua.
Hafu: No way. You’re the loyal friend, so you play Samwise. Now, we need to fill in the roles of Merry and Pippen, the other two Hobbits. Those will go to Kopeke and Taipu.
Jaller: Well, those are some decent choices.
Hafu: Kopeke will be Pippen, and Taipu will be Merry.
Jaller: Hey, wait, you got the personalities mixed up. Merry is supposed to be the down-to-earth one.
Hafu: Which is why Taipu gets the role, since his element is earth.
Jaller: But Taipu is kind of goofy and absentminded.
Taipu: Yeah… wait, what are we talking about again?
Hafu: Well, he’ll like the role.
Jaller: And Pippen is supposed to be the Hobbit who never knows when to shut up, and you assigned the role to Kopeke, the Matoran who never speaks?
Hafu: Well, unless Kopeke objects, I don’t see a reason to change it. What do you say, Kopeke?
Hafu: There, now, let’s move on. The four Hobbits will hang out in the Shire, which will be in the Le-Koro jungle. They will look up to old crazy Bilbo, who will be played by Lhikan, who will then pass on his Mask of Light to Frodo. Then one day, Gandalf will ride in and send the Hobbits on a quest to bring the mask to Rivendell, which will be on the other side of the jungle. Gandalf will be played by Vakama.
Vakama: Woo! I get a major role!
Hafu: Turaga Vakama, to be precise.
Vakama: Boo, that means I’ll have to be old the whole time.
Hafu: The Hobbits will have to travel with the mask even as they are pursued by Sauron’s Black Riders. The Rahkshi will play the role of Black Riders, and Makuta will be Sauron.
Icarax: Which Makuta will be Sauron again?
Hafu: The Makuta, obviously? It’s not like there’s a whole species of Makuta to choose from.
Hafu: At Rivendell, the Hobbits will meet up with the rest of the Fellowship, who will be played by our beloved Toa. First is mighty Aragorn, who is noble and wise. This role will be played by Tahu.
Kopaka: If you don’t mind me saying so, Tahu doesn’t seem like the best fit for the role. He is hot-headed and lacking in nobility and wisdom.
Hafu: Yes, but he’s the best selling set, being red and fiery and all, and since Aragorn is the main character, then he gets the role. But you get to be part of the Fellowship too, Kopaka. You’re Boromir, who is argumentative, has a temper, and ultimately ends up betraying the Fellowship before being brutally killed.
Kopaka: Hey, that doesn’t fit me at all! Tahu should get that role, and I should play Aragorn. I mean, Tahu’s always yelling at people, and he’s even betrayed our Toa team once!
Hafu: Too late to change things now. Next up are Legolas and Gimli. These parts will be played by Lewa and Onua. Lewa will be the dwarf, and Onua will be the elf.
Lewa: Quick-wait! That doesn’t make much sense. I am the tree-bound Toa, who is one with nature and is quick and agile. Onua is the earth-digger, who’s strong in will and muscles. Should not he be the dwarf and I the elf?
Hafu: Nope. Lewa, you already have a hatchet, and that’s Gimli’s iconic weapon.
Lewa: Then what’s the reasoning for Onua being the elf?
Hafu: Um… I’ll get to that.
Hafu: Now, on with the story. In Rivendell, we’ll meet Elrond, played by Dume, and Arwen, played by Tuyet. Tahu and Tuyet will have a lover’s reunion, and Dume will give them their mission to destroy the mask in the fires of the Mangai.
Tahu: Wait, a lover’s reunion with Tuyet? Yuck.
Hafu: The Fellowship will then head down into Onu-Koro, which will substitute for the Mines of Moria. There, they will face the Bohrok swarms and finally the Bahrag, who will be playing the Balrog. See, because the names are so similar and everything. There, Vakama will fall to his death with the Bahrag.
Vakama: But then I get resurrected as a full Toa, right?
Hafu: No, we cut Gandalf the White out of the script. You’ll just remain dead.
Hafu: The rest of the Fellowship will barely escape to Ga-Koro, which will portray Lorien. There they’ll meet Gali, who will play the part of Galadriel. She’ll give them stuff and then kick them out. As they cross Naho Bay, the Fellowship will get attacked and then break apart. Orcs, played by ugly Voya-Nui Matoran, will carry Kopeke and Taipu to Isengard, which will be located at the Kini-Nui. However, they will get lost on the way and stumble upon Tren Krom’s island.
Jaller: To get there they’d have to get very lost.
Hafu: Next, Kopeke and Taipu will convince Tren Krom to attack Saruman, but not before he drives them stark raving mad. Saruman will be played by Roodaka, and she’ll be consumed by Tren Krom, but not before she sends her Uri Kai army of Bohrok Kal to attack Rohan.
Roodaka: Wait, I’m going to get consumed? Hm, anybody up for trading roles?
Jaller: Wait, why is Saruman played by a female?
Hafu: Who else is as evil and traitorous as Roodaka?
Jaller: Fair point.
Hafu: The three travelers will go to Rohan, which will be set in Po-Koro. There they’ll meet Eomer, played by Toa Hewkii, and Eowyn, played by Toa Hahli. Pohatu will be King Theoden, and he will be under the influence of the evil Wormtongue, played by Vultraz.
Vultraz: So by influence, you mean that I get to stab him whenever he doesn’t listen to me, right?
Hafu: No, you just get to whisper words into his ears.
Vultraz: No fun.
Hafu: But then Tahu will scare you off, and you’ll return to Isengard just in time to be stabbed in the back by Roodaka and consumed by Tren Krom.
Vultraz: Even less fun.
Hafu: Rohan will then fight off all the Bohrok Kal in an epic battle at Helms Deep, which we’ll have to build from scratch because it’s such a cool fortress. Then they’ll ride to Gondor, which will be located in Ko-Koro. There they’ll meet Kopaka’s brother, Faramir, who will be played by Toa Matoro, and the mad Steward Denethor, played by Toa Nuju. Makuta will launch an attack against them, using armies of Bohrok, Vahki, Dark Hunters, Barraki, and whatever evil-looking sets are left. Everybody will take place in a mighty battle, and pretty much all of them will die. Nuju, in particular, will get set on fire and thrown off a cliff. But Tahu, Onua, and Lewa will travel to Mahri-Nui and return with an undead army of Zyglak, who will obliterate everybody on the battlefield. Unfortunately, this also includes all the good guys too, so the only survivor is Tahu, because he has to be the king who returns in the third movie.
Kopaka: Wait, that’s not how I remember it from the movie.
Hafu: Meanwhile, Takua and Jaller will be continuing their journey to Mordor, which will be set in Ta-Koro. They will be guided by Gollum, who will be played by Ahkmou. He will lead them into a secret tunnel, where they’ll be attacked by Vezon and Fenrakk. Fenrakk will almost have eaten Takua, when Jaller will sacrifice himself for his friend and get eaten instead. And since Jaller was such a fat Hobbit, Fenrakk will be full, and Takua can leave the tunnel.
Jaller: Hey, I know that’s not how it’s supposed to happen.
Hafu: Then Tahu challenges Makuta to an ultimate duel, to distract him while Takua runs for the volcano. But instead of tossing the mask into the lava, Takua puts it on and becomes Takanuva. Then he goes, beats up Makuta, and he and Tahu sail off towards the undying lands together. The End.
Jaller: Okay, that’s nothing like the original movies.
Hafu: Well, I had to make some changes, but it’ll all be for the best. And finally, at the end of all of this, we can all proudly proclaim one thing.
Jaller: And what would that be?
Hafu: That this movie is… another Hafu original!
Tahu was a Toa of Fire
His surfing career coundn't be higher
But then his luck turned; he fell and got burned
Which caused Toa Tahu to expire
Posted Jun 29 2012 - 02:34 PM
Hafu: That this movie is… another Hafu original!
That was terrific, and it made me laugh - it's a nice play on the MoL comparisons to LoTR.
One you might have wanted to try to cut down on some of the tedious details of the plot, since most of us know the plot of LoTR and don't need to have it told back to us. It could have been worse, granted, but when you went into detail on that I wanted to skim.
Also, the character-swapping jokes kinda got old - first Jaller/Takua, then Tahu/Kopaka, then Lewa/Onua. It might have helped you to come up with just bit more variety.
Posted Jul 20 2012 - 10:26 PM
You've inspired me to possibly write a comedy based on Tolkeins work (NOT Peter's) I can see it now.... Sauron played by Tren Krom and the role of Tom Bombadil going to Lewa ;D
0 user(s) are browsing this forum
0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users