9 replies to this topic

[The Xinlo]

EDIT: Just so you know, this is a re-post from old BZP. I have 7 chapters written, which I'll be posting within the next few days before any new material.

Right, well, I seriously doubt anyone here remembers the old DQ... it was almost a year ago now. Anyway, I only finished five chapters of it, and to be frank; it sucked. So I tried to re-write the chapters with better grammar and story, but I only ever got the prologue re-written, which still wasn't all that great. My previous epic, before DQ, I also never finished. So, I'm determined to finish this one.

I really don't expect anyone to read it, but it's more for my piece of mind athan anything. I'm not a very strong writer, so I'm trying extra hard for these. Hope someone enjoys it.

Anyway, the basic plot is centered around a De-Matoran named Xinlo, and his adventures throughout Murtua (a planet me, Iro, and venom created. This is in the same continuity as Iro's Fractures, Shattering, and Forgotten epics). Of course, he becomes a Toa, but I haven't worked all that out yet, so yeah. No details.

Here's the epic.

Oh, and credit to Cicle/Tahu(Onua)~Of~The~Swamp for the name. He came up with it ages ago. =/ ALSO credit to Zokau, who coined the name 'Deax-Nui'.

Hope whoever reads this enjoys it.

Characters: (I'll post pics as they are introduced)

Xinlo (Zinn-loh)
Kara (Kay-rah)
Teltus (Tell-tuhs)
Nari (Nah-ree)/Oteyla (Ah-tay-lah)
Volskith (Vahl-skith)
Zarzoz (Zahr-zohs)

Edited by Xinlo: Spirit Of Sonics, Oct 21 2011 - 05:09 PM.

[Venomcus]

You have some good writing skills. Some good dialogue too. I think it needs to be more descriptive though, what do Eek and Touran look like? Scars, masks, etc.

It's a good start.

[Zokau]

I'm disappointed that you took the name Deax Nui, and I'm no longer a part of this epic

[Cederak]

Trees are seldom an engaging topic for me, but I like this epic so far. There's no real sense of urgency to it, its just a day in the life. Interesting way to start. Details and descriptions are pretty good too, though as Venomcus said, Xinlo's colleagues could use some color. Linking to images of characters is no excuse for skimping on their look in the story. Remember that. Spelling is fine, and as for grammar - just these two stood out.

It was a the perfect day.

Either "a" or "the" should go. Your call.

but the job was extremely high paying

high-paying

I have no idea where this epic is going, and I like that. Too many epics here are played out. I know who the good guys are, and why they fight the bad guys. And the bad guys are just that, bad guys. Environmentalism crept into your story a few times, and that can definitely skew whose intentions are really "good." The Vortixx robberies suggest what could come, but that might be a stepping stone to something even greater. Keep at it, you're on the right track.

-Ced

[The Xinlo]

I'm disappointed that you took the name Deax Nui, and I'm no longer a part of this epic

Oh carp. Sorry dude, really. I completely forgot that you made the name... as for you not being in it, I really did want to keep you guys in there, but you're hardly ever online anywhere, and it's really hard for me to have yo in when I can't ask you things about your own character. I've really only started, i can still fit you in if you give me a shout. Also will give you credit for Deax.

And thanks alot, Cederak! I hadn't noticed either of those grammar problems. And yes, in the later chapters I've got better character descriptions. I'll see if I can get some more posted today.

Edited by Xinlo: Spirit Of Sonics, Oct 21 2011 - 05:00 PM.

[The Xinlo]

I am posting this because a member requires it - she has some computer glitch that does not allow her to post unless there is a recent post or something. Sorry for the rule break, but if I could ask that this not be deleted until Peach00 has posted?

Thank you.

[Frank Zappa]

Nice epic so far, but I wonder why the character known as Haru isn't included in this edition...?

[The Xinlo]

Thanks. And I can fit him in if you wish, at least for a cameo. Same with Zokau, at some point. But the main reason neither character's involved is because this rewrite was part of the Fractures series originally, in which you two sort of... disappeared.

[Peach 00]

I feel absolutely awful. You asked for a review, and because I was away for so long, I basically forgot about it. Excuses aren't enough to explain my actions, but I repaid you by giving you the review below. I am so sorry.

So far, this is gripping. It is quite interesting, and you should be happy with it. Considering your last update was last year, I'm not sure if you've neglected to write more and have had writer's block or have simply stopped writing it and don't want to continue writing it. Nonetheless, it is an enthralling read. There are a few spelling errors here and there, although they aren't anything to actually tear away from the read itself.

The characters are thoroughly intriguing - Volskith is a strange demented being from what I've read, and I see him as the insane villain who's just so evil you either hate him and find him slightly annoying or you love him. I'm in the middle of the road in this case. Kara is my favorite character so far, and the character Xinlo is pretty amusing at some points.

My favorite section you've written was probably the whole thing about the many questions in the world - the best question stated was, "How does one get along with a woman?" It made me laugh, and the small amounts of humor injected into the story like this bit make it an enjoyable read.

Although this is slightly a short review, I've read up to the fifth chapter, and so far I'm impressed by it. I am so sorry I did not review it earlier, I don't think I can come up with any excuse for not reviewing. I hope this was satisfactory for my not reviewing the story - I promised a lot of people and ended up neglecting to review their stories, but I'm slowly going back and viewing them. You've done a great job on this so far, and I hope you keep up the good work - I'll continue to read if you post more chapters.

[The Inquisitive Automaton]

  Hey there, Xinlo! Automaton here on behalf of the Epic Critics Club, to offer you one freshly baked charity review for this story. (And also hopefully allay any fears that we might actually be demons in disguise. )

 

  I guess we’ll start off by getting the simple formality of prose out of the way. For the most I liked your style. It was flowing and to the point, offering a fine description of the narrative itself. One area where I might suggest could do with a tad more room for improvement is in the imagery. As it is the depiction of this world is fine but with more comparisons (i.e, metaphors, similes and personification) it can make every little detail seem so much more alive. I also noticed that the further down the epic goes, the more frequent slight spelling errors and word misuses appear. While this obviously isn’t avoidable, I would recommend more thorough proofreads before submission.

 

  Now, as for the plot itself, it seems interesting enough. It’s moderately difficult to comment given we’re seven chapters in and yet there seems to be plenty of promise for the future. From what I can gather there’s a fair amount of potential that I would look forward to seeing carried out. The curious purpose for “Nari”’s rebirth, Volskith and his mysterious clients, all those interesting plotlines.

 

  One thing that I quite enjoyed was seeing the way that your characters responded to seeing themselves changed from Matoran into Toa. It’s a fairly dramatic transformation so to get inside each of their hands in turn when they were finally alone and watch their unique insight was something of a treat.

 

  Another (minor) suggestion I have is to forewarn early on that the world itself is something of a reimagining of the typical Bionicle universe that we’re used to. While there obviously isn’t anything wrong with this, it can come as a bit of a jarring surprise to some of the readers when they see a character using a printer, dealing with their hair or getting well and truly “hammered”.

 

  On that note, I would like to air my doubts on one matter. I think that the structure of chapter 7 could have probably done with some reorganisation, because as it is there’s something a lot less tense about it than it ought to be, given the issue at hand. Their response to being informed that their mentor had just been kidnapped was surprisingly light-hearted. It might be testament to their inexperience but I get the idea that it might have been better to have the scene where Xinlo handles his hangover occur before receiving the alert. That way they might have been able to react a little more accurately and still kept the same scenes.

 

  So in conclusion I did find myself enjoying the story and should you ever pick it back up again I would be quite interested to see where you go with it. There’s room for improvement, as there is in anything, but for now you have a fair product on your hands. Good work and I wish you the best of luck.