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[Toa Smoke Monster]

Legend of BZ-Koro

"I would like to thank all of you being here today." Lesovikk said calmly through the microphone to all the citizens. The crowd, which consisted of Toa, Matoran, Makuta, humans, machines, super heroes, and various other kinds of beings, were all sitting chairs in front of the Toa of Air. Lesovikk, who was standing at a podium in front of the crowd, went on with his speech.

"As we all know, this is the ten year anniversary of BZ-Koro." he said. "It is a day of celebration, a day which will never be forgotten in the legends to come. It is a feat that this city would have never reach without all of you, my fellow citizens."

A few of the citizens clapped their hands in response to the Toa's words. Lesovikk paused for a second, allowing those few beings to conclude their applause before going on.

"But before we take our city into the future, let take a moment to remember its past." the Toa continued. "And who better to tell the tale of our history than our City Elder, Turaga Vakama!"

The crowd broke out in applause and cheers as Lesovikk stepped aside and Vakama took the stage. The Toa pulled the microphone out of its holding spot and gave it to the Elder as they passed by each other. The Turaga stood beside the podium. He didn't have a tablet containing his speech in his hand, for he didn't need it. The speech he was about to give would come from his heart.

"Thank you, thank you, to all of you. Seeing you all here brings me great joy." Vakama began as the crowd settled down. "I know that Mata Nui, our city's founder, would be truly proud if he were here with us today."

Vakama paused as he said those words. Thinking about his friend nowadays always brought him a sense of sadness. The Turaga pushed it aside and began to tell the Legend of BZ-Koro.

"As many of you know, Mata Nui proposed the idea of BZ-Koro twelve years ago." the Turaga said. "He said that it would be a city where beings of any kind could live together in peace. It wouldn't matter if you were a human, Toa, Makuta, alien, or whatever you were. Anyone would be welcomed. This is what told to every being he met as traveled through the land."

"Now, Mata Nui wasn't a fool. When he proposed his idea to others, he knew that, sometimes, there would be fights, that there would be disagreements, and that there would be beings who would come there to cause chaos. That was why he came up with many of the rules which we still follow today. 'They would go a long way to help maintain peace,' he stated."

"But many people didn't believe him. They laughed in his face, stating that this city would never survive with so many different beings living in it. They claimed that its citizens, when a conflict between them rose up, would fight each other to the death instead of talking it out. And, truthfully, they did have a point."

Vakama smiled. "But Mata Nui simply said 'The same could be said for every city in the universe'."

Many people in the crowd nodded their heads in agreement as Vakama quoted those words.

"So Mata Nui set out to find the land that would house his city." the Elder went on. "He, along with myself and a few other beings who also believed in his dream, searched for over a year for this land. The land which we currently live in today. Along the way, many other beings heard of his dream and joined with our group. Together, we discovered this very land and claimed it. We built our homes out of stone. We planted gardens for food, built weapons and walls for protection, and in the process, became a community."

Vakama looked out at the crowd for a moment. There wasn't a soul in the crowd that didn't have their full attention on him.

"It was that first night, after all the buildings and walls were completed, after everyone was surrounding a huge campfire, that Mata Nui officially named the new city." Vakama said. "Many of you here were there that night when he stood up among us and suggested that the name of our new home was BZ-Koro. I think I speak for everyone that was there that it was a night that will never be forgotten in history."

"As the years went be, many different beings came to live with us in our city. The majority of them had been seeking out a peaceful place to live, just like the founders of this city. They helped BZ-Koro expand and flourish into the city it is today."

Vakama paused again, trying not to tear up as he told next part of the story. It was the part he wished he could forget. "As Mata Nui had said, fights and disagreements did arise from among us as time went on. And with them came arguments that, sadly, led to unnecessary conflict. It was in one of these conflicts that Mata Nui, a true friend to many of us here today, lost...his life."

The Turaga looked down and let out a sigh, quietly attempting to regain his composure. Though he knew deep down that none of the people present would've blamed him for braking down. All of them either that seen or heard of how Mata Nui and Vakama had been close friends. After a couple seconds of silence, he looked back up at the people, his composure regained.

"But we did not let his passing destroy BZ-Koro, as many predicted would happen. "he said with a sudden confidence." We instead found peaceful resolutions to all the disagreements that arose, which helped the city grow even more. We established rules that kept the majority of future conflicts in check, and thus keep the city as peaceful as it could be. I know that was Mata Nui's dream, and I'm so glad that I've lived to see it come to pass."

The Turaga raised his staff into the air. "So now let us be grateful for this day. For it is a day of a great victory! It is a day that many said would never happen, but were proven wrong! It is a day that we, the citizens of BZ-Koro, celebrate ten years of living in this wonderful city. And may the next ten years be just as great! Thank you."

The crowd once again broke out into applause and cheers, but they were twice as loud as before. Vakama simply nodded his head as he made his way back to his seat.

Thank you, Mata Nui. he thought as he sat down. I know that you were here, you would be proud.

_________________________________________

This is my entry for the Short Story portion of the LSO. I don't think it's my best short story ever, but I still had fun writing it. Any comments and/or criticism would be great.

Edited by Toa Smoke Monster, Sep 19 2012 - 09:48 PM.

[The Novelist Called Nuile]

Well, if you're going to tell a history rather than show it, this is the best way to do it. But personally, I still would have rathered to see it. With a splash of backstory and a little bit of tying up at the end, you might have taken one pivotal, dramatic scene from this history--Mata Nui's death, for example--and made your story more exciting.

My other complaint is your character choices. I don't mind that Mata Nui created BZ-Koro--in fact, I like the suggestion--but why Lesovikk, why Vakama? They don't fit very well into the BZPower realm.

However, I did like the speech, and I thought the origin story you provided here was a good analogy of BZPower.


Grammatically, I think you might have proofread a little more carefully, though besides typos there weren't too many mistakes. Here are a few I chose to point out:

The crowd, which consisted of Toa, Matoran, Makuta, humans, machines, super heroes, and various other kinds of beings, were all sitting chairs in front of the Toa of Air. Lesovikk, who standing at a podium in front of the crowd, went on with his speech.

These beings were . . . sitting chairs? That error conjures an amusing image. Besides that missing in, you need a was in that next sentence.

"As we all know, this is the ten year anniversary of BZ-Koro." He said. "It is a day of celebration, a day which will never be forgotten in the legends to come. It is a feat that this city would have never reach without all of you, my fellow citizens."

This is a confusing rule and a difficult one to explain. Simply put, when a quotation is followed by a he said, she whispered, or et cetera, it should end in a comma, and the first letter of the next word--he in your case--should not be capitalized. Thus what you wrote becomes, ". . . BZ-Koro," he said.

The land which we currently live on today.

Should be in.

"Thank you, Mata Nui." He thought as he sat down. "I know that you were here, you would be proud."

I emboldened another example if improper quoting, but what I'm really addressing here is Vakama's thoughts. I've seen thoughts written in italics, in quote marks, or with an annoying lack of indication; personally, I prefer italics. But whatever your choice, I think you should choose italics or quotation marks, not both.

Th-th-that's all, folks. On the whole, you did a good job, and I enjoyed the story, so thank you for writing it. Good luck in the contest!

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

[Toa Smoke Monster]

Well, if you're going to tell a history rather than show it, this is the best way to do it. But personally, I still would have rathered to see it. With a splash of backstory and a little bit of tying up at the end, you might have taken one pivotal, dramatic scene from this history--Mata Nui's death, for example--and made your story more exciting.

My other complaint is your character choices. I don't mind that Mata Nui created BZ-Koro--in fact, I like the suggestion--but why Lesovikk, why Vakama? They don't fit very well into the BZPower realm.

However, I did like the speech, and I thought the origin story you provided here was a good analogy of BZPower.


Grammatically, I think you might have proofread a little more carefully, though besides typos there weren't too many mistakes. Here are a few I chose to point out:

The crowd, which consisted of Toa, Matoran, Makuta, humans, machines, super heroes, and various other kinds of beings, were all sitting chairs in front of the Toa of Air. Lesovikk, who standing at a podium in front of the crowd, went on with his speech.

These beings were . . . sitting chairs? That error conjures an amusing image. Besides that missing in, you need a was in that next sentence.

"As we all know, this is the ten year anniversary of BZ-Koro." He said. "It is a day of celebration, a day which will never be forgotten in the legends to come. It is a feat that this city would have never reach without all of you, my fellow citizens."

This is a confusing rule and a difficult one to explain. Simply put, when a quotation is followed by a he said, she whispered, or et cetera, it should end in a comma, and the first letter of the next word--he in your case--should not be capitalized. Thus what you wrote becomes, ". . . BZ-Koro," he said.

The land which we currently live on today.

Should be in.

"Thank you, Mata Nui." He thought as he sat down. "I know that you were here, you would be proud."

I emboldened another example if improper quoting, but what I'm really addressing here is Vakama's thoughts. I've seen thoughts written in italics, in quote marks, or with an annoying lack of indication; personally, I prefer italics. But whatever your choice, I think you should choose italics or quotation marks, not both.

Th-th-that's all, folks. On the whole, you did a good job, and I enjoyed the story, so thank you for writing it. Good luck in the contest!

Keep writing,

Sincerely, Nuile: Lunatic Wordsmith

Thanks for the review. I was beginning to think no one would leave a comment.

Anyway, I understand what you mean by showing the story instead of telling it. But I just thought that this would be a unique way of telling BZ-Koro's origin.

As for my character choices, Lesovikk was always one of my favorite Bionicle characters, so I thought it would be fun to include him in my story. I chose Vakama to be in this too because I thought that he was a great storyteller when he told the Nuva the stories of Metru Nui. So I thought that he would be a good choice to tell this tale as well.

I always seem to have grammar mistakes, even after proofreading it. I'll fix those grammar mistakes as soon as the judging part of this contest is over. And thanks for pointing them out.

And again, thanks for the review!

[fishers64]

I thought it was unique that you chose Lesovikk as a character, but Vakama seemed a bit cliche IMO.

This story seemed a bit cliche, because that is kind of obvious way of describing it...Mata Nui made it to do this, etc. It kind of gives a 2001 feel, which is what I think you were going for. Which is fine, maybe the 2001 feel is just getting old to me, but I think it is cliche, kind of.

Anyway, good story... the idea that Mata Nui started it and Lesovikk would be there is definately a unique spin.

[Toa Smoke Monster]

I thought it was unique that you chose Lesovikk as a character, but Vakama seemed a bit cliche IMO.

This story seemed a bit cliche, because that is kind of obvious way of describing it...Mata Nui made it to do this, etc. It kind of gives a 2001 feel, which is what I think you were going for. Which is fine, maybe the 2001 feel is just getting old to me, but I think it is cliche, kind of.

Anyway, good story... the idea that Mata Nui started it and Lesovikk would be there is definately a unique spin.

Well, I guess Vakama was a bit cliche. I was originally going to have Tahu give the speech, but I thought that Vakama fit this position a little better.

And I kind of see how its has a 2001 feel, with everyone honoring Mata Nui and all. (And with Vakama doing most of the honoring.) But I wasn't really thinking of the 2001 storyline when I wrote this. I guess it just coincidence that it did have that feel.

But anyway, thanks for reviewing my story.