Posted Sep 17 2012 - 06:20 AM
Well, you toned it down on the imagery. =PThere's a lot more I could say about this story, but that was really the main thing I noticed: considering the last story I reviewed of yours was the almost cinematic LSO entry you submitted, and considering all the imagery that almost smothered it in a sense, this felt like a more bare bones approach to writing. Your story flowed well without it; while your character himself didn't feel sympathetic, his backstory sure made him feel believable, more real, as if you could see him on any of a thousand benches in any of a thousand parks.One question, though: why the breakup? Why is he living on this desolate bench in the middle of nowhere? All we really got was one sentence on each, and it felt as though you could have done more with explaining how the main character's life got to this point, and it makes the story feel as though it exists in its own little niche in time, unable to be pinpointed and placed into any specific timeline. It can just fit...anywhere. For a story like this, a story that apparently has a very clear beginning and any number of plausible ends, it just feels incomplete.Other than that, great story; not a very big review, I know, but the parameters your teacher set when it came to word limit didn't give you a lot to write, and it didn't give me a lot to critique. =P Good job, Rising. Good to see you returning to form.-Teezy
"I have seen your soul, and known your touch, years before you or I ever traded gazes. Your life has been a comedy of brash decisions and petty spite. You have besmirched your title. You have fought to wear a name that many would argue you no longer deserve. You have been a prince and a psychopath in equal measure, and whatever your touch turns to gold, your very presence will marr and maim. You have lied, stolen, seduced, tortured, murdered, backstabbed, and if it were not for the fact that you are not the man you pretended to become, you would have been dead long before tonight, Toa Dorian."
"And if you make one more false move, you will be dead long before tomorrow."