An 'Ask Us' Comedy With A Twist
Posted Sep 24 2012 - 02:14 AM
Posted Sep 25 2012 - 01:31 AM
Posted Sep 28 2012 - 01:17 AM
Posted Oct 09 2012 - 07:28 PM
This isn't necessarily a good thing, as it makes it seem more like one of those old "chose-your-own-adventure" books, instead of an actual comedy. That may not bother other readers, but I prefer more of a prose styled writing.Third off, it's an ASK COMEDY, but the characters didn't really act like they were there to be asked questions.
You enter the dimly lit cave, not sure what to expect.
Even the rahkshi ackowledges this.You need to add questions in there, somewhere, anywhere.If you haven't had any readers submit questions, writers usually make their own untill someone submits a question, and if you do want someone to submit a question or two, you really do need to ask for questions somewhere in the comedy.Though to be honest, I don't really know how this would work as an ask comedy, since the premise seems more of a hostage situation, then an ask comedy. (Somewhat joking there)
Thisss isss not an asssk comedy any more!
It doesn't even seem like much of an ask the people comedy.Although, that actually might work. You could have the characters ask the readers question, then it truly would be an ask comedy with a twist.Fourth, the story just seems like the various ramblings of a rahkshi and bohrok, which isn't funny, and really, really, lacks a plot.All we see is the main character in a cave, and two rahi argueing constantly.
Eventually, you say that this is supposed to be an Ask Tahnok-Kal and Turahk comedy, not Ask The People Reading The Story comedy
It's not funny anyway.I think your cast of characters here needs to expand, and build some personas, to make the story funny.Usually in a comedy, every character has a certain trait about them, and usually it's exagerated, to make it humoris. It's what makes them who they are. But in this, you're characters, Turahk, and Tahnok don't. They don't have anything special about them, which makes the characters, replacable.You could swap the chatacters, and no one would really notice a different. They're like the same person, only one is a rahkshi, the other a bohrok.As for the main character, you haven't really given enough anything about him/her/it for me to really say anything about it.And what is the plot of this story? Is the entire comedy, going to be in a cave, with rambling? I know it's only three chapters, but you haven't shown any progression in the storyline.You could try having a little progression, even walking around in the cave, instead of being in the same place every chapter. But don't become too plot driven, where you forget it's an ask comedy (even though it seems you may have).Fifth, the jokes you tried to put in the story seemed forced
"Well, it wasss a long time ago... We all know that the island of Mata Nui needed to be dessstroyed...""Everyone apart from you, right?" Tahnok interrupted."Yesss, everyone but me... But I was assssleep on the beach of what usssed to be Ga-Koro...""Because you were lazy."Turahk frowned at Tahnok. "Ssstop interrupting.""But otherwise it's not funny."
It just seems random, like most of your other jokes.When you make jokes, you need to lead up to them.
"Do you think that we are boyfriend and girlfriend?" Turahk asks, throwing you off balance."We have already discussed this, Turahk. We are simply friends
That could be considered leading up, but one mention doesn't really feel like leading up to me.What you should of done was keep mentioning it for a few chapters, before making that joke, then it might of been funny.And if they don't seemed forced, they're kind of stale
Snuggling up together by a fake fireplace are Turahk and Tahnok-Kal. A rather odd couple, you think.
There's really nothing humor-like about that. If anything, it's kind of sad that the only way you can eat is through abuse. (I'm joking a little here)Overall, I have to give this comedy a 2/10, due to the forced, stale humor, having no real plot, and the characters being the same.
You sigh, then feel your tummy rumble. You ask for a marshmallow, and Tahnok pulls another pack out from behind his cushion, a much smaller pack than before. He throws the pack, and it hits you in the face."Enjoy!" Tahnok smiles.
Edited by Rarity, Oct 13 2012 - 06:44 PM.
Posted Oct 10 2012 - 05:28 AM
Posted Oct 13 2012 - 10:47 PM
Edited by Rarity, Oct 13 2012 - 10:47 PM.